Am I depressed or just apathetic?

[Anonymous]

I never understood what it means when another person says they're depressed... I'm like "how can someone be sad and want to kill theirself? Sad about what? Nothing matters"

All my life I've felt nothing, completely blank, never been happy, never been sad, never cared about anything... Life to me is just a game where I gotta pass through time each day by entertaining myself some how... And a lot of things I do in life I feel dull and get no excitement or enjoyment from and it seems boring... And after years of this... I've started to get bored of absolutely everything now, every day seems like a real drag and I can't wait for the end of the day to come so I can sleep, recently I thought about buying cyanide pills to end my life, not because I'm sad or want to kill myself, I just want to sleep for a long time because nothings fun anymore... But I did some research and a lot of sites are saying that's a sign of depression not getting enjoyment from things, but I don't think I am depressed because that's associated with a sad feeling but I don't even feel slightly sad, I feel nothing, I've never cried in my life (apart from childhood) and I don't think I ever will again

Updates

+1 y

Also I have nothing to be sad about. I'm ugly a ugly virgin who's never had a girlfriend and probably never will... But that doesn't matter and I don't care about that

[mxcix]

Bro just hang in there, never surrender, just because you can't enjoy the life right now doesn't mean the you never will, I have been in your place till something came and changed my life (I lost it and got depressed again tbh) but that means that there is still hope for us, going to a therapist might be helpful, and if you ever need a friend I can be there for you bro.