How to deal with PTSD attack's?

[Anonymous]

So I'd gone out a little while with some friends to try and have a good time. Though the place we went to was closing soon so there weren't many other people there at that time. There were a lot of guys though and most of the workers were men and I've been sold to men before for less than 10 bucks sometimes. All of those were people I knew in some way or another, friends relatives relationships but they didn't care. But the thing is I have some serious trauma from it because I was being sold from one guy to the next or back and fourth for 4 almost 5 years. I just started panicking not because there were a lot of male customers and workers. But only after one of the workers cat called me then pointed his finger at me then said come here. It totally disgusted me and scared me at the same time because I'd finally found a place to call home I didn't wanna be dragged back to that. I started panicking but it got worse when they would all stare at me and I went to the bathroom to cry and hide because I couldn't eat. I felt so disgusting and dirty and scared I just felt sick thinking of food. Back when I was a sex slave in other words, food was a luxury I couldn't have so was sleep clothes and a bed. I just need someone anyone to give me advice on how I can stop the next PTSD attack because my panic attack escalated. Also I knew it wasn't a panic attack anymore because I started seeing things. Like the place I was sold to last I thought I was back there for a second and panicked so much I started feeling sick. If anyone understands in any way, help me please I don't wanna go back there and I hate the memories even more because they won't go away. Also no I don't see a therapist I can't afford it and it's not so much that their not exactly helpful cuz I've gone a few times it's more so that they didn't care any of the times I had gone. I know I have PTSD cuz I was diagnosed with it along with MDD, slight psychotic feature's and recurrent episode's and anxiety.

Updates

1 y

I asked this anonymously because I have trust issues, also I hope you don't judge me, but also because I'm scared.

[Sixgunsound]

Is there anyone that could protect you now or did protect you when you got out? What makes you feel safe? When students have had panic attacks in the past I sit with them and let them get it out if they have to scream or cry or whatever so long as it isn’t self harm. I stop anyone from getting in their way until it passes.

[Asker]

No, I have me myself and I soon enough in a few months I'll have a baby, I mean I never had any family they sold me first after I lived with them and was abused by them they decided I was useless after I turned 8 so they sold me, my brothers bought me back but turns out it wasn't because they loved me they used me to them sold me to their friends and so on, and after I finally got out I still only have myself I don't really have anyone and I agree crying screaming and just letting it out helps but well it's not that it doesn't help me it's just, I'm so tired of being strong so tired of fighting back and being on the defensive protecting myself saving myself. I'm just exhausted I mean yay I finally got out but I'm not treated any differently the only thing that's different is I don't have to have sex with anyone but I still get hurt I get taken for granted no matter how nice I am or how much I simply wanna help I just want to be useful so that way may I'll believe I deserve to be here among the living cuz before I left when I became useless to my parents at the age of 8 my mother said I shouldn't have been born she didn't want me so I was hurt but then guys would say worse things to me and I took it all to heart I believed it all because I was strong I'm still strong I just have these moments where I believe I can finally be vulnerable and be open then I get stabbed all over again in a sense and I just kinda wanna stop fighting I wanna give up but my heart won't let me even though my heads given up already because I heard once from some kids my age depression is like the head trying to die and the heart fighting to live life sucks sure there are good parts but I don't have enough fight left in me physically to make it that far

[Asker]

I have no protector and if I had to say I did I'd say it's myself, and I know I should live for my baby but see that's the thing I'm surviving for my baby I don't know how to live and no one shows me how they only give me reasons to die.

[Sixgunsound]

Nobody can be strong all the time every time. Anybody who has never cried never lived anything worth crying over. Are you getting government services for you and your future baby? So the people who gave birth to you clearly aren’t your family, and neither are their other children. At least you know there is nothing left to look back for. Have you thought about doing volunteer work until the baby comes, to build up work experience to get a paying job? How will you live and where will you sleep once the baby comes?

[Asker]

Yes, I'm currently with someone I met while I was there she's been letting me sleep on her families couch I mean I don't get much sleep not used to it but it's nice, I don't feel that safe here but safe enough to try and live but never let my guard down. Also I'm gathering work experience while I'm here with her help. And me and the baby are doing and no the government turned me down when I applied for support and help but I'm getting by. And I understand what you mean and I'm living sorta I think, not to sure but I'm trying to share my emotions and I do cry when I need to especially when I get to frustrated or overwhelmed because it helps me think after ya know. And I guess I'm kinda already living the good parts of life but I'm scared to completely let go and give in for the fear that it'll all be taken away once I do.

[Asker]

I don't really know what makes me feel safe because I've met let my guard down enough or let myself be vulnerable enough to truly find out.