I think I'm asexual and don't want to be in a relationship, but I also get jealous when others date?

[Anonymous]

Hi, so I have a problem that I've been dealing with for a long time. I was wondering if I could get some opinions about this, or if anyone can relate to my experience.

I don't have the desire to date or be in a relationship. I've never been into romance, rarely develop crushes and have a low sex drive. I don't mind watching sex scenes or anything of that sort but could care less. The idea of me getting married doesn't interest me; I enjoy my solitude and just rather have a place to myself. Though, I wouldn't mind becoming a mom one day only if I'm prepared financially and mentally to be one. I think about adopting a baby or young child, or even going through artificial insemination since growing my own child inside of me would be wonderful too. Being a mom was something I always thought I'd like to do, but not becoming a wife.

However, whenever one of my friends goes on a date or gets asked out, I start to get slightly jealous. For someone who doesn't care to be in a relationship, it makes me insecure for whatever reason. Now, I tend to be more reserved with people I don't know that well, and I've been told because of this is the reason why people don't approach me that easily. Yet they don't even need to try anything, and they automatically get asked out by randoms. I'm not going to change who I am and become more outgoing in this extroverted world we're all forced to live in just so I can get approached.

I've had a few guys in the past that liked me, and I've been taken out before. Of course, it didn't work out with them due to their immaturity or perverted mannerisms. I've never had any bad experiences or been abused of some sort, so I'm not exactly sure why my mind is like this.

Would you call this asexuality or something on the grey ace spectrum? Why do I get jealous when my friends go on dates even though I don't intend to be with anyone? Have you felt a similar way before or someone who has? Let me know below, thanks!

[caring__1]

If you're comfortable being asexual, there is no problem with that. Never disregard your true feelings in order to conform to fit to other people's expectations.

As far as the jealousy, jealousy is about personal insecurity, having nothing to do with the others we focus on. It's hard living in a society and feeling good about ourselves if we are different from societal norms. Gay people can experience this, too, even if they have no desire to be straight. You're not wanting to date or do other things you see others do; you're just uncomfortable being confronted with something that doesn't fit you, making you more aware of your differences. I'm sensing you aren't uncomfortable being asexual, but you are uncomfortable with others noticing you are different. This could either be due to a fear of being judged by others or an inner wish you weren't different.

If you choose to be a mom, I'd suggest significant therapy before you make that choice. It's one thing to make personal choices, but it's another thing to influence or control the choices of others. I wouldn't suggest you be a parent unless you can truly be happy for what works for the child and not plant hangups and self-doubt for being different from you. You know you struggle with your differences; do you want your child to do the same? For instance, how many 10-year-olds do you know who have a different religion than their parents? Kids just accept things as irrefutable facts unless they are taught to think for themselves from a young age, knowing they will be totally safe when they do so. The ideal parent facilitates the child's exploration and discovery, in order to discover what truly makes sense to him or her, yet most parents promote their own agenda over the child's exploration and discovery. Being a parent isn't about you; it's about helping another to have quality self-esteem, feeling capable of meeting one's own needs, feeling good about what one brings to any situation and is productive, worthwhile and functional in society.

[Oliverlogan263]

This sounds tricky. On one hand it sounds like you don't really have much interest in relationships or sex, so asexual or grey-asexual could fit. Nothing wrong with that.

But I can understand the jealousy thing too - even if you're not into it yourself, it's still natural to want to feel desirable sometimes. And seeing friends get attention when you don't can punch below the belt.

A few thoughts - maybe you just like the idea of relationships in theory? Or maybe you're more anxious about intimacy than you realize. Either way, comparing yourself isn't healthy.

My advice would be try not to overthink the "label" too much. Focus on doing what feels right for YOU - whether that's staying solo or trying something new someday. And try reminding yourself that everyone moves at their own pace. You'll get there!

As for jealousy, next time it strikes just take a breath. Your value isn't based on how many ask you out. You seem like a cool girl - own that confidence instead of doubting yourself, yeah? It'll pass, luv. Keep doin' you!

[SueShe]

First, let me ask you a personal question. You don't need to answer if you don't feel like it because there are a lot of perverts here on GaG that will make fun out of anyone's situation or misery.

So, the question is: Do you manipulate your body or did you manipulate your body at any time since reaching puberty? If you did, then you are not asexual since you are taking pleasure out this manipulation.

A true asexual would not be interested in those trivial things and would leave anything sexual on the side.

As for jealousy, this is something that, in your particular case, you would experience when you force yourself into asexuality because deep inside, you know that you would have liked to be in the person's position.

Finally, if you have this maternal instinct, then you are probably not a true asexual because you know that it would involve having to copulate at one time or another in your life. Unless you adopt as you state but then you would remain a single mom and not have a partner by your side. I don't know of many men that would agree to raise a child without being able to fornicate from time to time.

[Asker]

I don't recall doing anything like manipulating my body; I just knew it wasn't normal since I rarely found interest in someone, or even if they took an interest in me, it didn't work. However, still seeing my friends get more approached or asked out made it feel as if I was missing out on a milestone or they had something I didn't. It's absurd since I've mentioned being more reserved and closed off with strangers, so I'm sure people can sense that from me and my lack of interest in a relationship.

I have to disagree with the last paragraph stating that if I possess a maternal instinct, it's unlikely to be asexual. Even though I know I would need to have intercourse in order to have my own kid, it still doesn't change my low sex drive nor wanting to be a mom at the same time. There are stories I've read from people who were in a similar situation, claiming to be ace and still wanting to be parents. It's complicated because some of them would like their own biological children too, even though sex is the only natural way to get them. That's why medical procedures such as ici, iui or ivf are beneficial in a way to skip the sex part/ not wanting a partner and just raising a child on your own. That or adoption would be nice since I could help a child in need of a home who doesn't have parents.

Since I don't care for a partner, I'm unconcerned of what men would think about me as a single mom and fear that they would have to raise my kid. My child would come first before a man, and I wouldn't expect anyone to raise them; that's my job and the purpose of me being a single mom. If things don't go as planned, I'll be fine just remaining childfree.

[SueShe]

I do understand your point of view.

It is a very rocky road you are heading for if you decide to go for IVF because of the lower rate of success and the costs associated with it. That is not an issue if you can afford it but lacking a partner that has a steady income to help you with that endeavor or not having the necessary financial padding or perhaps parents and family willing to disburse or share the costs.

Also, you would need to find a suitable sperm donor and that is also a challenge in itself. You basically know nothing about that person and it is as if you are driving 100 mph against the flow, blindfolded on a highway/motorway at peak hours.

Whatever your decision is, I am sure you will do a good job and I wish you the best of luck.

[Asker]

Thank you! I appreciate your advice and for taking the time to give me your opinion on my situation.

[petitedollbabee]

I’d still call that asexuality. What you’re experiencing with the jealousy just sounds like FOMO. I can’t relate in the exact same way that you’re experiencing it, but personally I get FOMO with things that other women my age are doing. Like drinking, partying, clubbing, having big social lives etc - “normal” 22 year old stuff. But I don’t actually want those things, I love staying home and I’m introverted and hate being in groups of people. I just feel that these women are doing awesome things that I’ll never get to do, because I don’t want to. Does that make sense? I think that it’s normal for you to feel jealousy even though you’re asexual. My best friend is asexual aswell and she sometimes gets jealous of my long term relationship, but she’s explained to me that she doesn’t actually want what I have, she just feels like she’s missing out in a way?

[Asker]

Yes, and I believe that's close to how I'm feeling due to social pressures and thinking something's wrong with me for not having certain normal experiences like most people my age do. Even though I don't want it, still seeing them have it does make it feel like I'm missing out in a way, which is a bit embarrassing. Thanks for the reply!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you want the companionship. I'm asexual and love my husband and kids. The best thing about having a partner is having someone who loves you and is always there for you, that and the cuddles.

[Anonymous]

If you were really asexual, you wouldn't care.

[Wise4myage]

Well, the jealousy part is normal in my opinion.