Parents don't want to meet my boyfriend and its hurting him

[Anonymous]

So I'm Indian and my parents believe in the whole arranged marriage stuff (I do not however). My boyfriend of 2 months (who is white) wants to meet my parents and I really want him to meet them too but my parents said no, they don't want to meet him until we're serious aka getting married.

I told him this but he thinks I'm embarrassed by him (not true at all) and now he thinks that I think my parents will hate him that's why they haven't met. Again, this is not true.

My parents stubbornness to not meet him and his parents is kind of creating this wall between us. I mean, I don't think it'll break us apart, but still its creating this drift that I don't like. Last night he asked me in this sort of sad voice "doesn't any one in your family want to meet me?" :'(

What should I do?

[john52461]

I'm half Indian/pak so I can relate to your question, all desi parents are stubborn, they left their country for the USA for us but don't intend to change/adopt the culture. They are unable to assimilate into society, I think no other immigrants should be allowed here especially from the middle east and india/pak for that reason.

Anyway, my cousin married a black guy for a while and she was basically "outcast" from the family, eventually she divorced him (after getting her citizenship, she came from canada) then she married this Indian doctor guy (that her parents helped her "find") and now everything is back to "normal" it's as if she never married the black guy in the first place.

Maybe you're as Americanized as I am, and I also like white girls, but it's hard for other people to fit into our culture. You can marry this white boy but don't expect a big wedding or for the families to sit together and sip beer...I mean chai together...10 years from now.

It's probably not the answer you wanted to hear but the fact that they don't want to meet him probably means you've disappointed them! They don't have much respect for white boys/girls because they sleep around. Also they know that you and him are f-cking, what father would want to meet the guy that's nailing his unmarried daughter every night, especially a desi father!

What will you name the kids? What religion will they be (or will you have the sense to let them choose rather than indoctrinating them)? How will they look? Do you really think your Indian genes will mix well with a white guy? Do your features even match up well with his? Is he a doctor/engineer? If not Indian people will not respect him.

My advice...just find some hairy desi fob that your parents want you to marry, it's easier in the long run for you than your romantic fantasy of running away with a white boy.

I feel bad for him, it must be tough to feel "rejected" especially being white and so used to fitting in so well. You don't want to force anything, just tell him the truth and hope he understands, he will most likely leave you because of how rejected he feels because of your family. It will bring out in his mind how different the both of you really are, and that despite the similarities that it probably won't work out in the long run for you or him. If he really loves you and cares about you he'll end it sooner rather than later it'll be less painful that way. Plus it gives you time to move on and find someone else.

Good luck! Hang out outside a med school, you'll find someone ;)

[Asker]

Well my dad told me its okay if he's white and whatever religion (he's an atheist) but they will not even consider meeting him or his family unless we're getting married. That part pisses me off because how could any parent, especially a father, not want to meet the man his oldest daughter is dating? Doesn't he want to confirm that my boyfriend is a good guy and not some slob? Don't they want to meet his family and see what a great family guy he is? It just baffles me!

[john52461]

No, who would want to meet a guy who's nailing their un-wed daughter? Desi people don't always mix well with white people because the cultures are so different plus a language barrier, that's probably why they don't want to meet him or his family until you're sure you're gonna marry him against their will.

[Asker]

There isn't a language barrier in my family. My parents moved here 30 years ago and before that, my dad lived in Germany for most if his teen life so they can't use that as an excuse. But it's whatever. My plan is to just trick them into meeting his family. Maybe throw a party or something and invite both sides.

[john52461]

That's a stupid idea, what if they trick you into meeting a hairy fob that you don't like? How would you feel? Plus if you don't stick with him it'll be pointless to have had them meet when you look back at it 5yrs from now. But I know...you think you and him will be together forever because it's true love or something...

[1234vp]

Dont listen to that stupid comment please. I am in a relationship where my parents dont want to meet my boyfriend and it would absolutely not be easier for me to just dump him and go with someone they approve of! Screw them! At the end of the day its up to you. But personally I wasn't going to side with my family because they wanted me to choose him or them. My boyfriend just wants to be with me and would never even ask me to choose because he loves me more than that. Sometimes your family are wrong. And the way they are treating you is wrong. I know often enough abuse happens in romantic relationships but it also happens within families. If they are trying to make you miserable and emotionally blackmail you then they are using a form of abuse to try and get what they want. Giving into them will give them more power and you will never be free. Please choose wisely, sometimes people leave your life because you do not need them anymore. Its sad and hard but necessary for you to be free :/

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he is worried your family will sabotage your relationship. To be honest, I think your boyfriend is right. Your family does want to break you up. I would suggest not mentioning your family much, and maybe try to spend more time with his family. If he thinks you consider his family, your family, then he might not worry so much about your parents trying to break you up.

Your boyfriend needs to accept that your family doesn't approve of him, and that it isn't his fault. You need to understand that this is likely to remain a sensitive issue for him, and be as tactful as you can on this subject. If you talk about your family a lot around him it might serve as a reminder that your family is out there, still trying to get you to break up with him.

Other than that all you can do is keep explaining it to him, and ease his concerns that your parents are not going to influence your decision in who you are in a relationship with.

I don't think he is being immature for feeling this way. Any woman would be upset, if her boyfriends parents hated her and didn't give her a chance. Also I would not talk to your parents and tell them about how they are hurting your relationship, because that is exactly what your parents want to hear. It will only encourage them. Your parents are trying to manipulate you in any way they can, to get you to do what they want.

[Asker]

This is so spot on its not even funny. My mom has told me to my face she doesn't want me dating him because its "against" our culture -___- My dad told me he's okay with it but he doesn't want any part in our relationship unless we get married. I try not mentioning them but since its bugging him, the thought won't leave him alone. Last night he said it was odd that his parents and I are like best friends but he's never even met mine.

[Hannah591]

This wouldn't be as big a problem if your own boyfriend believed you when you say your parents only want to see him when you're serious. You should make it clear to him that it's not because you're embarrassed by him, but it's purely your parents who have the problem and you should explain the problem to him again. Make sure he fully understands that so he's not feeling hurt by the whole thing.

Then you should speak to your parents. You should sit them down and tell them how you feel. Tell them that although you've been together for 2 months, your feelings are just as serious as if you were getting married. That you love each other dearly and it's really hurting him that he's being pushed away by your family. Also tell them that you feel it's making you guys drift apart which is really hurting you. If they have a heart, they'd consider your side of the story, they'd feel your pain and hopefully, they'd stop being stubborn and meet him. Try accentuating who he is; say he's kind, friendly and a family man and that they're missing out on meeting such a great guy! :)

[Girl1991]

1. You both are very young so why the rush? Just enjoy being with each other and don't worry about parents.

2. Your boyfriend sounds a little immature for not understanding your parents' side of things and blaming you.

Those being said, I understand. My parents were immigrants and my dad freaked out about my first boyfriend because he thought I was too young (19) and too good for the guy. Luckily I was in college so there was no face-to-face confrontation. My current boyfriend wants our parents to meet each other which according to the old rule book is a HUGE deal. We've only date a little over a month so my dad was a little hesitant but now that I am old enough (22), he gave in and trusts my judgment.

My advice, wait a few years. Once your parents see that you two are really serious, then they'll change their minds. As for your boyfriend, try to get him to understand cultural differences or he's no good for you.

[harveykinkle]

(Off topic but wow, you are absolutely beautiful!)

[Asker]

Haha thanks :)

[insightful]

I think it is sad that they don't value your happiness as the most important thing. If he treats you good and is not someone who makes you worse in any way than they should be happy for you no matter what race he is. The arranged marriage idea may have been fine for them, but your happiness is important!

[Asker]

I agree its a shame and honestly, its created this wall btwn them and I that I feel like will always be there from now on. After I graduate from college in about a year, we're planning on moving in and getting married. By then, my parents will have to meet him and his family, but I know it'll be from the "need" and not because they actually care about how I feel.

[kia58]

Explain your culture to him. That is the sole problem here. Get him to see things trough your parents' eyes. Explain and explain until you are out of breath. Try to compare to some cultural standards in the US. Try to get him to see this is not personal.

If you did and he still doesn't believe.. No one can help you. Give up and hope he changes his mind before he sabotages your relationship.

[Gawesome]

Your parents may think it's too fast considering he's your boyfriend for only two months even though you've been friends for a lot longer. Just give it more time or explain to your parents you've been seeing him A LOT longer than that. I think your parents may be processing the fact that her daughter ain't marrying an Indian boy through an arranged marriage the traditional way.

[Hamburgers]

Tell your boyfriend to grow some balls. He sounds sensitive, your parents approval shouldn't affect how he feels emotionally..

Also, your parents don't "have" to approve of your relationship. You just have to do what you do, and hope your parents grow through time to accept it.

[blackjaro]

You should wait I think. Tell him that he is real man, so You believe that he will fight for this relationship - give him hope. I think that Your parents have a point in what they say (a bit). And just look on that theese walls You have told about aren't eternal. I think You both should show parents that You respect their words, and You respect mutually. I think that this is the only way!

[QueenBeatris]

tell him he is with you ,not them and the fact that your parents have an old school menta;ity should not be affecting him like it is,he needs to be YOUR man and stand by you,u are not responsible for your familes behavior

[Mary92]

Relax! I know what that feels like..as long as your parents know your dating him leave it at that! Probably what they want to see is how serious you are about this guy..give it time..trust it! they should come around. Besides your they baby girl..i don't think they are ready to let you go yet ;p just don't push them to take a decision about this guy..TIME is all you need!

[Anonymous]

You should keep your relationship a secret from your parents until the two of you are considering to get married. You're really in a tough situation, and I just want to tell you that you should try to fight this relationship out.

[Asker]

I am fighting for this relationship cause I really do love him! I even lost 2 "friends" because they didn't want me dating him (jealously issues) and at first I felt bad choosing him over them but now, I know I made the right decision. And I know I'm making the right decision by staying with him despite what my parents think.

[beastman88]

2 months an he already wants to meet the parents? wtf

[Asker]

Well we've been friends for 2 years, dated "unofficially" for 5 months, but officially we've been together for 2 :)

[ksysoup]

whats his problem ? he has to earn your parents respect. le him go steady with you and be honest and grow your relationship. then I am sure your parents ill want to meet him...

[Asker]

They said they don't want to meet him or his family until we decide to get married :(

[Anonymous]

I'm having a hard time even telling my parents that I've met a girl that they would never believe I've met...if I can do that, you can certainly tell them about your Indian boyfriend...just do it!

[Asker]

He's not Indian, he's white. And they do know about him, they just don't want to have anything to do with him and his great family unless we get married. It's f***ing pissing me off to be quite honest with you because they are such great people and my parents backwards way of thinking is hurting us.

[Opinion Owner]

Well you know what I meant

[Anonymous]

u go girl! I come from Asian country too and I believe in interracial marriage.

[calialltheway1993]

Well now is not the right time. He can wait.