What does it mean when a guy says he doesn't want to date you because he doesn't want to hurt you?

[justclaire]

So me and this guy have been wanting each other for 6 months. Around a month ago he told me he wanted to be with me. The reason why we haven't made it official before was because we started dating when we both lived in the same town and then he moved away (this was all previously planned and I knew about it when I got into this relationship). So then we tried doing the lets just be friends thing but clearly it didn't work because we have feelings for each other. I am moving back to Brisbane (where he is) at the end of the year - not for him - this had been planned since the beginning of this year. So there is opportunity for us to be together properly. So we discussed all of this and came to the conclusion that we would wait for each other until I moved. Now he is telling me he doesn't want to date me because he doesn't want to hurt me. I find this really stupid and lame and self sacrificial bullsh*t and I think it is just a cliché he is using rather than telling me the truth about what he really thinks. However, he is denying tooth and nail that this is the case. I'm seeing him this weekend as I had already planned a trip and he really wants me to stay with him but insists that he sleep in the spare room. Like wtf? Please tell me what your opinion of all of this is. My gut is telling me he is bullsh*tting me but my heart wants to believe there is a way I can convince him that we should try in spite of the fact that one of us could get hurt. I'd also like to add that he is a sensitive, self conscious guy and he isn't an a**hole so don't go assuming that and base your answers off of it. Opinions please...

Updates

+1 y

Ok lets get this straight the problem is not sexual. We have had sex, many times. And he is extremely sexually attracted to me. I know that for a fact and am in no way up myself LOL He is not a player or an a**hole or a guy pretending to be the bad boy. He has NEVER treated me poorly.

[toulouse]

I think it is just a cliché he is using rather than telling me the truth about what he really thinks.

i think its bullsh*t/. there's no guarantees in a relationship. both people usually end up getting hurt. that's not why people get into or don't get into relationships. they do it because they want to be together.

hes also got some huge ego. for all he knows you could hurt him.

id say he's playing hard to get or is actually afraid of getting hurt himself and is projecting. or doesn't actually care about you the way you think he does and is just keeping you around in case nothing better shows up. and is keeping you at bay with that lone< I don't think it'd this but I'm throwing it in there because I'm sure itll come up. and I don't think its this.

i defdont think what he's saying means he doesn't want a rel.

when people know what they want they don't qualify it. they just tell yu. they don't say I don't want this bc-then talk about you.

if he was serious he'd talk about himself. I don't want to be in a relationship because I can't handle the commitment. or w/e. because even he thinks he'd hurt i. there's a reason. and its not about you its about him. and that's what he's not mentioning. because there's no reason because he's full of sh*t. imo.

[justclaire]

Thanks. You're response is the same as my best friends LOL I feel the same that he is most likely projecting because he has been hurt in relationships before so it is a definite possibility that he is scare of getting hurt. But like you say its the risk of all relationships.

[toulouse]

I believe sprhn dude had the reason he said.

However, in my experience more often guys say it to give that impression, when in reality its just a bunch of hard to get testing your limits emotionally seeing how much you care etc etc.

people wouldn't bullsh*t with familiar platitudes unless they thought theyd cause a particular inference. doesn't mean its genuine.

imo its reasonable believable less ambiguous to explain yourself through yourself-not via your supposed assumptions about others.

[toulouse]

it won't help to keep insisting you don't believe him. hell feel foolish defensive even more protective of his feelings.

all you can do is ell him genuinely clearly with no tricks what you want, exactly what you want, how you feel.

if he doesn't come around, you were wrong but there's nothing you can do. he has to come through because he chooses to of his own volition. not because you made him admit it.

until then. stop doing girlfriend things with him. he has no reason to be honest if he gets you either way.

[justclaire]

Thankyou to the most useful person on this website :)

[toulouse]

Thank You. Such a nice thing to hear and its only 7 am lol

I really hope things work out or at least you get to make honest effort knowing you are doing the right thing. I hope he gets his sh*t together.

Good Luck. ;-)

[Anonymous]

let him alone...be happy don't contact him..he will wonder soon enough...

if he comes back..great...if not...then you are still a happy girl doing great stuff for yourself..

never never fall into these silly traps

don't talk to him more...jsut respect his wishes regardless of his reasons ... lol those reasons are really not important...

whats clear is he now wants to be single...

[big_poppa_pump]

"don't contact him..he will wonder soon enough"

this thing never works especially with guys like him

[Pedantic]

This question is actually something of a gem since you are not any of these link

Allow me to look into my magic crystal ball *hmmmm*...

Ah yes! The reason is: He has other plans he doesn't want to tell you about. What kind of plans... hmmm, the crystal ball does not show.

Does he intend to leave Brisbane in a couple of years after you just moved there?

[justclaire]

No he is planning on buying a house there at the end of the year.

[Anonymous]

He's pretending he's a badboy, hoping that is what attracts girls - a sense of danger and the belief that even if he says he will hurt you, that you'll be able to tame him and not get hurt.

He'll treat you like sh*t if you let him, and then tell you it's your own fault because he warned you.

[toulouse]

Agreed.

[justclaire]

Hahha yeah no he definitely is not trying to be the bad boy. He is the total opposite of a bad boy. He is basically the chick in the relationship.

[superdudeman]

Hes not that attracted to you physically. He's only a little attracted to you and not ready to jump into a full on relationship.

He knows that if you have sex and take a step further that he will eventually break up with you because he's just not at that level of attraction.

He likes you a little or he wouldn't have done those things.

Its a little but not enough to commit too.

Ive said that before and that's what I mean.

[justclaire]

We have had sex many times and he is very very sexually attracted to me. Like can't keep his hands off me type of deal. Look he is an amazing guy and has never treated me poorly.

[superdudeman]

Just because a man can't keep his hands off you or has sex with you doesn't mean that he's all that into you as a person.

He might just love your body.

[kheserthorpe]

Usually this means 'I am not going to be monogamous'.

[big_poppa_pump]

best answer

[Anonymous]

He doesn't like you. He will hurt you because he doesn't like you. DUH.