I recently stumbled onto the TV Show, Catfish, on Netflix and watched a string of episodes. I expected to find people behind these phony online personas who were selfish, crafty players looking to score and keep a tally with scratches on their bedpost. Certainly there were a few with cruel intentions but mostly I saw men and women who were lonely because of their circumstances, longing for attention and driven to extremes by desperation. What surprised me most was that they were often very sincere apart from misrepresenting their appearance.
The show begins by outlining the affair. Two people meet over the internet and grow close to each other. They gradually exchange intimacies and endearments, then professions of love---even proposals of marriage. Their messages are littered with “I adore you” and “you are the only one for me.” Months, sometimes years go by but for one reason or another they never meet, until one day one of them realizes something is wrong. They contact Nev Schulman, the show’s creator, and he helps find the truth.
When the person finally meets their “dream” lover and discovers they do not match their picture, the romance completely dissolves and the digital darling is promptly scorned outright or relegated to the “friendship zone.” It does not matter how much the pretender pleads that their FEELINGS were real even though their image wasn’t. It makes no difference that they told secrets they had never told before and gave themselves completely. They were already doomed from the moment the two locked eyes for the first time and the audience can see it plainly.
Nev takes the hapless patsy aside and listens to their woes. “I just feel so betrayed. I don’t know what to believe now.” And on that premise they reject the former object of their affections. This would be entirely understandable were it not for one small detail. Anyone looking closely can tell that the poser is not lying about their feelings. They are in love—as much as anyone can be from a distance. In most cases, the only ruse is a photo and a name.
Two hundred years ago, people were sometimes separated by distance or situation and fell in love by letters. When they finally overcame obstacles and met, acceptance was assured by the depth of their emotions. They married and spent their lives together. But times have changed. We have TV and movies, romance novels and billboard ads telling us that true love only happens when beauty abides. In the age of jetliners and video conferencing, what sort of person stays in the dark while they carry on a remote romance? Maybe one who wants to believe that all the magic of Hollywood and the Romance Writers of America is true. It is just as Steve Martin’s character says in Roxane, a modern adaptation of Cyrano de Bergerac. “Because you wanted to believe it. All that romance wrapped up in a cute nose and a cute ass.”
Certainly I am not defending deception but in our haste to condemn the poser for their falsehood, I think a more important lesson is lost. Are we really so shallow that all of our commitment hinges on mere appearance? If that is true, then maybe we have as much of a hand in the illusion as the Catfish. Maybe we are equally to blame when love falls short of our fantasies.
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My question to you is this. What if you fell in love with someone on line and when you met, they were not what you expected. Their face might be irregular but kind. Maybe their teeth aren’t straight but they have a smile as genuine as a flower. Perhaps they are overweight but have glowing skin. Everyone has beauty if you know how to see it.
Suppose they did not look at all as they had described or presented but had been otherwise honest about whom they were and how they felt and you could tell that deep in their soul they yearned for you. What would you do?
No double talk now! Give us a straight answer.
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