Relationships

The ABC's of an LTR: Chapter 3

The ABC's of an LTR: Chapter 3


The ingredients of a successful LTR are:


L = Love


T =Trust


R = Respect


Chapter 1 was about love. Writing about love is like having fresh pastries for breakfast: sweet, light, delectable, wonderful! That was an easy topic to cover. Chapter 2 was about trust. That was not so easy. Trust is something that many people assume they should have in a relationship and it often is taken for granted . . . until it goes missing.


Today, I am going to talk about respect. This is another not so exciting topic. Nobody comes home from a hot date and tells their roommate, "Wow, I think he really respects me!" No guy tells his buddy, "Dude! She's SO respectful I can't stand it!"


It's not exciting, but respect is a necessary ingredient in a successful long term relationship. Let's look at a few examples of how respect failed in a relationship. These are real examples from my former marriage of 4 years.


Two days in advance, I made plans with my (now ex-) wife to meet her for dinner after work. I had an evening event to attend so we agreed to meet at a restaurant convenient to her work and my meeting. While I was en route, close to our chosen restaurant, she called me. "Brian just called and I'm going over to his house, so I can't meet you for dinner."


"Is everything okay?" I asked.


"Yeah. He and Jen just wanted to go out to dinner so I'm going to babysit."


"What about our plans?" I asked somewhat incredulously.


"Sorry," was her meager reply.


Lynn requently told me that she loved me but she obviously didn't respect me, not on this occasion. There was no emergency in progress, nothing that should have trumped our plans for dinner. She was simply invited, at the last minute, to do something that she preferred and her commitment to me meant nothing. The aborted dinner was an insignificant event but the lack of respect was fatal. She could have called me and said, "I know that we have plans but Brian called and asked about me babysitting. How about you pickup a pizza and meet me over at his house?" That would have shown respect for me, for her commitment, and I would have agreed to it. Instead, I got angry, I felt sad, and I felt betrayed.


On another occasion, her daughter - who lived with us - got angry with me and threatened me with violence. Her daughter owns a 9mm pistol which she keeps in her purse, loaded and ready for action. Her daughter has a lifelong problem with controlling her anger and a pistol is something she shouldn't own.


"You need to make her leave this house," I pleaded with my wife. "You can't allow anyone to stay in your home if they threaten you." We were living in a house that my wife owned before we were married. "If I threatened her, you'd make me leave."


"She doesn't have any place to go," she unconvincingly replied. We both knew that statement was not true, it was merely an excuse.


"Then you must make her give you that gun until she moves out," I insisted, knowing that my words would fall on deaf ears.


"She won't agree to give it up," my wife softly said, apparently embarrassed by her own lack of will for dealing with the situation.


She didn't ask, didn't bother to inquire about or discuss alternate solutions that would address my concerns. I would have paid her daughter's apartment rent for 6 months . . . if that had really been the problem. A simple apology from her daughter would have mended most of the fences. Talking about about ways to address my concerns and not simply allowing her daughter to disrespect me would have been the appropriate thing to do . . . if she respected me.


Our marriage continued for another 9 months but, on that day, I knew it was over. I had been disrespected beyond the point of reconciliation. Again, I felt hurt and betrayed. How could anyone say that they love me and then treat me in such a manner?


Respecting a partner means that we accord our partner esteem; we admire, think highly of, have a high opinion of, hold in high regard, look up to, revere, and honor him or her. We are proud of our partner and believe they should be given respect by others. Experience has shown me that it is possible for someone to say that they love you without also respecting you. My wife wanted me in her life and enjoyed the benefits of all that I did for her, but she did not deem me worthy of protecting, defending, honoring, and she did not insist that her daughter (or anyone else) respect me.


There are many versions of love. Puppy love, physical love, rebound love, selfish love, and above all others, there is true love. When you truly love someone, respecting your partner is a natural result. You want to honor them and you think they should be respected by others. This respect signals to your partner the sincerity of your love.


If you say you love your partner and you believe that you sinceely love them, ask yourself if you are respecting your partner in all that you do. If you have failed to honor your partner, try harder . . . or be honest with yourself about the strength and sincerity of your love.


There is one final point that must be made about the ABC's of a LTR. Feeling love for your partner, trusting your partner, respecting your partner - these are all essential ingredients for a successful long term relationship, but they are not enough. Your partner must love you, trust you, and respect you. Don't settle for less!

The ABC's of an LTR: Chapter 3
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