Most users on this site are hoping to eventually find themselves in a successful long term relationship. A minority of users don't want that and it's okay; not everyone is suited for long term monogamy. Some users will deny that they want an LTR but they are not being honest with themselves; they have been hurt and now want to complain about the sour grapes. Hopefully, their wounds will heal and they will get back on track.
I am 60 years old and I have had 10 long term relationships in my life. Each of them lasted at least 6 months and the longest lasted 17 years. My current relationship has lasted 6 months and it seems to be strong. Some of the previous relationships were ended by me, some of them were ended by my partner, and some were ended by a mutual decision.
Experience is a wonderfully effective teacher and I have discovered a few things about relationships. There is a saying about learning more from failures than from successes so perhaps I am qualified to render some advice on this subject. However, for some of my relationships, the fact that they came to an end doesn't mean that they were failures; they provided months or years of happiness although we eventually decided that we were not intended to be together indefinitely.
So . . . here are the ingredients of a successful LTR:
L = Love
T =Trust
R = Respect
I intend to write three myTakes in which I will discuss each of these ingredients. Today, I am going to talk about love.
I see questions occasionally asking about love at first sight. That concept really sets me off. How could you possibly love someone who you have never met? What is it that you love about them? When people talk about "love" at first sight, they are not really talking about love. Maybe these folks are thinking about lust and using the wrong word. When they get older, they will discover the difference between being in love and being in heat.
Love is a feeling. It is not a thought. It is not logcal and it defies explanation in rational terms, but . . . in the words of one modern poet, "Love's the finest thing around!" What is love? Well . . .
Love is not simply lust. When you feel romantic love for someone, you do feel a passionate desire for a physical relationship with them, but it is more than a desire of the flesh.
If your desire for a relationship with a person is based upon what that person can do for you, that is probably not love. It sounds like need. Love includes need: I love my girlfriend and I feel that I need her in my life. But it is more than just need.
When I think about the love I feel for my girlfriend, I think about what I can do for her. I think about what I can do to help her have a good life, to be a better person, and to find peace and happiness. Yes, if I do that for her, I will benefit. Hopefully, she will feel love for me - and gratitude - and she will want to help me to have a good life, be a better person, find peace and happiness, etc.
When you truly love someone, you make their needs as important as your own. If you have a conflict and you think the issue is more important to them that it is to you, you yield. You let them have things their way . . . and you know that when the roles are reversed, they will do the same for you. In a good LTR, love is reciprocal. It must be reciprocal. One person being in love doesn't make a relationship; at most, it makes a bad country-western song.
True love will lead you to want what is best for your partner, even if that means your partner no longer being with you. If you truly love someone and they are not happy with you, then you thank them for the good times, you say goodbye, and you don't stand in their way as they are leaving. But hopefully, when you sincerely tell your partner "I love you," they tell you that they love you, and it is sincere . . . and that mean you have one of the three ingredients necessary for a successful long term relationship.
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