Introduction: So it is that time a year again, Feb 14th St. Valentine's day. Each year as it comes around, it is classically represented as an occasion for happy couples to celebrate their love for each other and for singles because of a variety of reasons to morosely look on. For the purpose of this take, I want to look outside this box and examine our connection/relationship with romantic love. I want to put forward my theory that Valentine's day can be much more than this narrow focused vision.
Disclaimer: It is the 2nd of February today and I am single. I am 99.9% sure I will be single on the 14th as well, that will make it my 5th Valentine's in a row single, it is probably a mixture of involuntary and voluntary singledom but to be perfectly frank I am not sure how much of the mix each side takes up.
Note: Each year around Valentine's, I am struck by the thought how commercial it has become like Christmas and I feel myself turning against it especially at the times when I am single, I find myself reverting to the joke that Valentine's was invented by Hallmark to fill the gap between Christmas and Easter. This time I find myself taking a step back and reflecting that it could also be a time to show someone how deeply you care for them. It doesn't have to be the most expensive present ever often a thoughtful gift is as endearing if not more to a person. If you are a happy couple, have a great time, enjoy it in whatever form you wish to celebrate it. I don't know why but I find my mind drifting to others like
- Someone whose loved one has passed
- Someone whose loved one is very ill
- A couple who can't be together for whatever reason
- A troubled couple
- A troubled person within a relationship
- A couple not in a loving relationship
- A person in an abusive relationship
These people should be in our thoughts and while everyday is a hard for them, days like Valentine's must be an extra hardship. I hope they find some peace and contentment within their lives.
(1) Being Single At Valentine's
In this take I want to look at what it means to be single at Valentines. Within this group there are many sub groups, people still not over their last breakup who may be pining for old love, new love, bitter about love, cutting themselves off. There may be people single for a long time unsure of what romantic path awaits them. Then there is a group who have decided to stay single for chaste reasons or just don't want to commit to a relationship. I am supposing that the last group in their own mind are happy with their choice and this take won't interest them at all.
So this brings us to the target group of the take, we will call them the "Unsettled Singles" for want of a better term, they are single but there is a very good chance they would take a loving relationship if offered to them.
Here on GaG we see so many posts about "How do I look?", "How do I change?", "How do I become more appealing?" and "How do I attract?" etc in order to find someone. You always see two kinds of advice, helpful views on what steps to take but also the view of "Be yourself", "Don't change" and "Wait for right person to see real you" etc.
Which is the right answer to these posts, I don't know quite possibly they both are. My own personal view is to change by becoming the best possible person you can then if someone is attracted to that they are seeing the best you have to offer.
(2) Self Doubt, Self Esteem And Insecurity Issues
It is my view that everybody has self doubt, self esteem and insecurity issues just some are better at hiding it than others. The so called confident people who tells us how confident they are are often the most insecure of us all having to resort to self affirmation and almost latent societal bullying. I have a much greater admiration for the quietly confident person who admits that nobody is perfect and they too have flaws so this leads me to my next point "How can I expect someone to love me when I don't even love myself?"
(3) Love Yourself
I often refer to other posts and answers I have given on GaG to these questions in my takes. The posts that interest me in this point are the "How can I have more self confidence?". I nearly always say it is not an outer change like new clothes or hanging around with new people, it is more likely about finding something hidden within yourself. I say as each day comes, have a little more faith in yourself, an extra little confidence in yourself. You are a totally unique person like me, good at somethings, crap at other things but there is one thing that you are better at than everyone else and that is being you. So therefore maybe the way forward is to appreciate being you. Have a look at yourself and think is this the best impression I can give of myself, am I at my healthiest, clear thinking, invovled in my interests self. Look at the positives and negatives you can control in your life and see what you can do about them maybe moving forwards to a time when .....
(4) If I Feel Good, I Look Good
Ever wonder when sometimes you are trying so hard to do something and it is not working out then other times when you are not thinking about it, it seems so easy. It can be like that with people, try too hard and you put them off then relax a bit, dare I say it have a bit of self confidence then the innate ability to interact with people seems to come more naturally. So we have a seemingly more confident you and you know what I have noticed, it leads to a quiet upward moving circle. A little confidence, feel better leading to more confidence which in turn leads to more confidence like a rising tide.
(5) Yes, It Will Be A Rocky Road
Like all things in life, it sounds so simple on paper so I will agree it won't be plain sailing but we have to start somewhere by believing totally in ourselves. There will be pitfalls, wrong turns, distractions and moments where it seems too much but I feel it will be very much worth it in the end. I suppose I should throw in a partial disclaimer and say I am still travelling this road myself trying to get more confidence sometimes straying into too much confidence but that is all part of the process on one side building yourself up and on the other side reigning yourself in, it is up to you to decide where you think the perfect balance for your life and personality is.
(6) In Conclusion
Going back to the title of my take if you are one of the "Unsettled Singles", make yourself your valentine this year, appreciate the great person you are and what an amazing person you can be. If you show that side of yourself to the world maybe somebody will be fortunate enough to be your valentine next year. That said whatever life offers you in the future, I wish you all the best in your life.
Happy Valentine's to you all, those in and out of relationships, always remember you are loved by someone even if it is only yourself sometimes.
Best Wishes, KDA20
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