Personality or Appearance: What Really Matters?

[LittleFinch]

Hello all! I wanted to address a recent poll I posted anonymously, which dealt with the controversial battle of personality versus appearance. I provided two girls, one (Girl A) with a thin "perfect" body with few flaws, the other (Girl B) with average imperfections (some stretch marks, a little chubbier, smaller breasts, etc.). Both were imagined to have awesome personalities-kind, loving, friendly, and generally good people. However, the major difference came with one flaw: insecurity.

I wanted to test the theory that men are more attracted to confidence in women. So, although Girl A had few physical imperfections, she had a crippling self-esteem issue. When I say crippling, I mean she had almost zero self-confidence. Her activities were dictated by her obsession with her appearance. She would not wear certain clothes if they made her look a certain way, and would even refuse to go out if she felt totally down.

It affected her daily life, and any compliments given to her would be most often refused (or, rarely, accepted with a false smile as she refused to believe them). Girl B, on the other hand, loved herself. She was healthy by medical standards (though did not have a model-perfect body) and pursued a healthy, active lifestyle-as in, she tried to maintain a stable, healthy weight, eat right, exercise when possible, etc. However, she felt confident in her skin, and did not care what others thought about her. She believed she was beautiful, and loved her life, and that was all that mattered to her. She refused to let her confidence be dictated by what others thought of her looks.

These girls are completely hypothetical, though in all honesty I have seen similar personalities in girls I have been acquainted or friends with. I included all of the details in the question, which is linked below. I wanted to see if men would choose a confident, healthy woman with a little more meat (so to speak), or a woman who was perfect on the exterior but hated herself, to the point it affected her daily life. I was, to say the least, a bit shocked by the results. The question explicitly asked: which woman would you prefer as a quick fling/short-term dating, and which would you prefer for long-term dating/marriage. Poll results provided A and B for either scenario. Here are the results.

37 people took the poll, 24 men and 13 women. Of those numbers, 17 men (and 4 women) said they prefered Girl B as a short-term fling, and wanted Girl A as a potential mate. That made up 57% of the overall voters. Only 7 men (and 9 women) preferred Girl B long-term, at 43% votes. 71% of men (31% women) preferred girl A to Girl B, and only 29% men (69% women) preferred Girl B to Girl A.

I was fascinated. Now, I said the poll was for a sociology project, and it is. However, I felt it too interesting not to write a take on it, so here we go.

I always was told that men preferred personality to appearance (despite appearance being an initial factor, of course), and that overall they wanted a girl who had confidence in herself over one who was completely insecure. Obviously these results do not speak for all men, only those on this site. Still, it was surprising to say the least. Some of the reasons given made a bit of sense, somewhat-such as how men would want to be a "protector" to their woman, and thus would try to reassure someone like Girl A by proving how attractive and loved she is.

Others were shallower, and simply believed Girl A wouldn't let herself go (even though it was mentioned that she might go to extreme lengths to make herself look good). Other men wanted Girl B, based on either a preference for "thicker" women or, primarily, because they wanted a woman who believed and was confident in herself as opposed to someone who hated herself. The comments seemed to be more mixed than the poll results, honestly. For my sociology project, I would love to take this poll into the real world and see how many men would answer differently, or if the results would remain the same. It's something fun to look into, as our society preaches self-acceptance yet at the same time is obsessed with exterior beauty to the point of excessive vanity.

Now, I'll ask those who read this myTake, just to see: do you agree with the majority of voters? Why do you think the results were as they were? I'd love to hear your feedback.

Thanks to those who participated in the original poll!

Original Poll:

https://www.girlsaskguys.com/relationships/q2014593-what-do-you-prefer-confidence-or

[PrincessofNohr]

I think some people think the "personality matters" idea is a myth, but I think it really is true. A great personality can make someone exponentially more attractive. However, it's also true that looks matter to a degree, and to say otherwise is probably a bit naive. A healthy relationship has both physical and emotional compatibility. Of course, people on both sides are often way too selective and shallow, but it will just lead to a disaster if there is no physical chemistry at all between two partners.

[Fearless_banana]

cf.girlsaskguys.com/.../...c-be8d-456a3af002e6.jpg

[bobbyxx]

Typical of women that is, but if we do the same back we are sexist, shallow and the rest.

[Jessicocoa]

@bobbyxx Nah, y'all can do it too.

[bcromartie]

There is nothing to be learned from lose/lose gestures. It isn't a question of "personality versus physicality" to choose between two people, one who has a lot of personality, and one who has a lot of physical attractiveness, but instead a mock question of just personal perceived tolerance.

"I provided two girls, one (Girl A) with a thin "perfect" body with few flaws, the other (Girl B) with average imperfections (some stretch marks, a little chubbier, smaller breasts, etc.). Both were imagined to have awesome personalities-kind, loving, friendly, and generally good people. However, the major difference came with one flaw: insecurity."

I looked at your question and this was not true. Ignoring the picture problem let us look at the "depth" of Girl A:

"She will rarely accept compliments you give her, and even she almost never believes you if you say positive things about the way she looks. She is always genuinely down about her looks, not for attention but simply because she does not believe herself to be beautiful. This impacts her daily routine (i. e. she won't wear certain clothes because she immediately hates how they look, won't go out if she doesn't look good/thinks she looks fat, etc.)"

This is completely average human behavior. This isn't abnormal. So what you've done is you've posed a beautiful woman, model no less, with average behavior and average traits relatively common to all women regardless of their exteriors and then compared it to this:

"This girl is confident in herself, and does not care what other people think. She accepts herself and her body, and lives her life as she chooses. She is healthy but has weaknesses to sweets every so often like most. She won't let what people say about her get her down."

The first thing a person is going to do is note how very different the two models are. This woman is "confident", no, she is lackadaisical. Being healthy isn't meaningful because A, ("She's thin, but not incredibly skinny. Modest breasts, attractive exterior, few outer flaws.") is described as healthy! So the advantage had by the fatter woman is lost instantly because neither is unhealthy so then we have the model that cares about her appearance versus the one that doesn't give a shit.

The outcome was obvious. The voting models after social expectation, personal attraction and perhaps some sympathy but not realistic circumstances; the question went from insecurity to simple maintenance.

[Ratiocinative]

Personality is more important, but your physical appearance says a lot about your personality.

For example:
Dressing well make you look like you're a person of high status and income.
Clear complexion and nice hair make you look healthy.
Being overweight makes you look like you're not happy with you're life.
Big muscles make you look strong and hard working.
Having a great smile makes you appear more friendly.
Gang tattoo makes you look aggressive and violent.
Submissive body language makes you look weak.
If you wear skinny jeans and open toed shoes you look like a hipster.

Of course, not all assumptions made about a person's personality because of their appearance are accurate about an individual, but most are true for the population as a whole and thus you will likely be judged on them whether your like it or not. You shouldn't judge a person based on a single thing about their apperance either, but if many different things about their appearance suggest they're not someone you'd want to talk to then odds are you're probably right.

[AllThatSweetJazz]

I don't know if confidence is the right word. Whenever I hear something like men like confidence in women it just sounds wrong to me. It sounds more like they're projecting their own attraction to confidence more than anything else. But yes personality is the clincher. The word confident just sounds gross, especially with women that like to self-identify as that, it makes me think obnoxious and pretentious.

I didn't see the original poll but looking at this comparison now, Girl B sounded fine until you get to "She believed she was beautiful" honestly that just makes her sound a bit cunty. I think girl A might actually read better in the poll, her insecurity doesn't seem like this horrid, insurmountable thing. You had to add updates before she really sounded *that* bad. B seems fine but "confident" and "She believed she was beautiful" have negative connotations for me. To me, it's basically code for being an annoying dick of a woman. Even putting aside their looks neither sound all that engaging, given the limited options I suppose B would be the preference, but eh.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Disregarding the number of responses you got, you should be comparing it to a poll with the pictures/appearance reversed, or with basically the same picture/appearance and see if it makes a difference. What you have here isn't really measuring an appearance vs personality hypothesis if that was your goal.

We can't really draw any inferences from this.

[0112358]

I believe you're wildly overestimating the extent to which men care about confidence in women. Some like it, some love shy and insecure women, to be honest (and not just manipulative guys, plenty of guys like to feel like they are protecting a woman).

I think what is true is that women with low confidence often find dating difficult. It's not because men don't like insecure women, it's because men can't tell that the insecure woman likes them, so they move on. In this hypothetical situation, that's a non issue.

I'd suggest that for most men, as long as she has enough confidence to be able to show reciprocating interest, and enough confidence to remove clothing when the time comes, many men will be fine with low confidence.

[Grungenoreos]

Now that makes sense. I always wondered about this

[orphanedmind]

I think the answer depends on what the men want out of life. For the men that truly want relationships, not just long term casual sex, they are going to take personality every time. The problem with the survey on this site might be that not many people here have had truly long-term relationships (six years or more), and almost certainly not relationships of that length with different partners. Whatever the men who answered that they would take the appearance-driven woman might think, in the long run, personality is key to a *relationship*.

[Beaver19]

Both matter. My physical musts are; very slender and petite, small guy here I need a small in shape girl. Paper complexion (just what I've noticed I like) also gorgeous face. Think like Lindsey Stirling. Mental musts; she has to take things very seriously about relationships be loyal and believe in God. I would not date a model with a bad personality, I also would never date a guy who was average or plain or who had chub unless etc even if she was bursting with confidence and was perfect match personality wise. Looks are step one, then personality is step two. Without either of those it's not worth it to me. You got one life it pays to be picky on what matters. You can call me shallow if you want but I'm not (don't care about breasts etc) I want something real and need her to be above average attractive at least 7 I'd say, just to give an idea. That's my honest take on it that I enforce and will always expect in my life. Others may agree or disagree I don't care.

[DarkHumorRUs]

Eh, girls (and all people) have much more depth than you can describe in a poll.
I don't even think I could tell you which of my female friends is insecure or confident. Well, besides my crush, who wore Crocs to prom (which she won as prom queen), and other things that you need to give zero fucks to do.

Here's how we start to like a girl
1) See her appearance--she's cute.
2) Talk to her--she's nice and fun to talk to and be around.
3) We like her.

It's not ONLY because she's attractive, but that's just who we end up "approaching" most of the time.

[JRICHARDS1996]

To be honest, it is a solid 50-50 to me. Those who pursue appearance alone at the expense of personality are shallow morons. But similarly those who tell you that caring about appearance is shallow are unrealistic and do not understand male sexuality which is visual oriented. That said, I would need to be at least compatible with a woman so personality is important in that regard. We do not have to necessarily be 'soulmates' but compatibility is required. Similarly I at least need to be attracted to her, so appearance is important in that regard. She does not have to look like a supermodel, but pretty and fit enough to keep me attracted. This is especially important to me since I am waiting until marriage, and so I am only going to get one sexual partner in my life. It has to be worth it.

[Gommers]

The short answer?

If someone doesn't know you already, they're not going to be cold approaching you if you're not attractive.

Long answer: Attraction is inherently subjective. What I find attractive is probably not seen as attractive by hyper athletic guys. What a neck beard is able to convince himself to settle for is not going to be what I consider attractive. Nobody is going to look at you and see the personality you truly have, just the one you're either successfully or just trying to present. Looks open the door, personality seals the deal.

Peace

[Dingsbums]

When they say that they prefer confident girls this most of the time means that they are insecure themselves and would prefer the girl to take the guys role in the relationship (girl asks guy out, girl initiates sex the first time etc.) A cofident guy doesn't consider insecurities as a bad personality trait. An insecure girl can still have a good personality. Many guys will even find it cute as long as the girl is also good-looking and that's the sad truth.

That's my opinion and it's also a bit generalized. That doesn't mean that it isn't true in most cases

[WalterRadio]

"men preferred personality to appearance"
There is a limit to that.

I cannot be attracted to a woman that is overweight, has huge boobs, or a fat butt. It is just not going to happen.

On the flip side, if a woman is very good looking, but bitchy or uneducated, it isn't going to happen either.

[BubbleBoy69]

You know what's even more interesting. How every single person gets fooled and used by a good looking person when they have the looks you want in a partner and fake the personality of being a good person.

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a28180-a-good-looking-person-who-acts-nice-be-careful

[Proof_Striker55]

Truth about life :
Men says that I don't like to date with a ugly girl. I want a beautiful girl. ( in the social media )
Reality : Men date with ugly girls.
Women says that Appearance is not so important for me. I can love a ugly guy. ( in the social media )
Reality : Women date with handsome men.

[JuicyBrain]

I think confidence in a girl is vastly overrated. I just want her to not give a fuck too much. I just want to not have her constantly complaining about how horrible or useless she is. I just want a normal girl. I certainly don't want a woman who thinks she is the shit and every men should be kissing her feet. I just don't want her confidence to be a problem. I would be fine with her accepting she has flaws and accept that I want her anyway. It's all I want.

[lilac_flowers]

If you want a quality (not the best, only decent) guy, which most girls do, looks is a MUST. A must to even be considered. Personality keeps him around, but looks is unavoidable part of it all.

If you want low quality guy with little confidence of his own, then you can be confident with wonderful personality and fat.

That's the essence of what women really need to know about partner picking in this regard.

[pnl86]

I found a very interesting video on this subject, which carefully examines years of research onto this subject, and draws upon the conclusions of millions of peer-reviews:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQvpETLd3Cw

[MrShinyPants]

Personality, because i can't become attracted to a scag, no matter how pleasent her looks, i just can't, I've tried and failed, she has to have a good personality and key traits, ie honor, honesty, kindness, strength, caring, a good heart, humbleness, morals etc.. I expect those traits from them like i expect myself to have those. They dont have to be perfect, which is impossible, they just have to be a good person to catch my eye and heart. Looks are nice but a good person is a becon of beauty.

[MrShinyPants]

As for her imperfections i wouldn't mind them, if i loved hervid find her imperfections perfect imperfections. If asked id help her be more comfortable with herself, i want to protect her and care for her but i want her to have inner strength and the ability to do those herself but allow me the honor to help her do those things.

[John_Doesnt]

The point of sociology (and all science) is to find the truth not manipulate it to fit what you think is morally acceptable. Men have been biologically programmed for over a million years to be attracted to the most beautiful and aesthetically pleasing women. Personality has very little to do with producing better offspring, so personality is just a bonus to us.

I'm so SORRY (sarcastic boo-hoo) that we are doing what we've been programmed to do.

[LittleFinch]

Your sarcasm just rips my heart out, doesn't it. I never tried to manipulate anything. I based my knowledge of ad campaigns and common banter that claim "all women are beautiful" and that "personality matters most". I wanted to see how many men actually believe that idea when given two women. Personally I could care less. This isn't a personal matter.

Also, the fact that you believed you had to write in your own sarcasm to ensure others understood is rather pitiful.

[John_Doesnt]

You base your knowledge on ad campaigns and common banter? And you're calling me pathetic.

[LittleFinch]

Wow, you just read what you want to, don't you? How ignorant of you.

You cannot look at television or magazines today without seeing movements pushing for body positivity. Dove is a perfect example, what with commercials and advertisements promoting healthy self esteem for women by loving who they are on the inside and out. Additionally, if you continued to READ my statement properly, you'd see I said I based that knowledge on the CLAIM that personality matters more than appearance. It's something promoted all the time in our world, and if I'd a nickel every time I'd heard someone say it, I'd be quite wealthy.

I merely wanted to TEST THAT CLAIM. It's ONLY a claim, and I wanted to see how many people on this site would agree or disagree with it. That's all. Oh, and sweetie, I never called YOU pathetic. I said your use of sarcasm is pitiful. Maybe READ my response next time, okay?

[John_Doesnt]

You're 18 and ranting because I disagreed with your post. You can't post something argumentative and expect that everyone will disagree with you. It comes with the territory of writing a myTake. Take a chill pill, a Midol or eat some comfort food then calm down.

[Kuraj]

I don't care what you believe about yourself if I don't find you attractive.
I didn't find the second woman attractive, simple.

Also, you say men are supposed to like women with better personality then suggest a lazy "confident" slob with no desire to better herself is the one who is supposed to be better off in that department.
Uhhh?

[fueledbythc]

Personality for me will always beat a perfect exterior. I can't stand negativity and being with a girl who is like that despite being beautiful will clash with my personality. Plus it's not hard for me to be attracted to all kinds of women except morbidly obese and anorexic