Relationship Mistake #2: What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate...

[Anonymous]

So this is something I have learned the hard way and now when something my boyfriend does bothers me, I tell him.

Now I realise that it can feel very scary sometimes to tell your bf/gf about something that's bothering you, I mean:

What if it makes you sound needy? What if it makes you sound controlling? Or nosey? Or creepy? What if they get mad for some reason? Or don't want to do what you want them too? What if you have an argument or something? What if it makes them think any less of you? What if you drive them away?

Or perhaps you just find it embarrassing to say.

But whatever it is, if it's bothering you that much? I can tell you that it is almost always best to just have a word with them about it. There's no need to say it in an argumentative way though, for example:

Let's say they've liked a picture on Facebook of another guy/girl and that's upsetting you, you can simply ask something like "Why did you like that picture of that guy/girl?" and perhaps tell them it just made you a bit upset or worried, rather than lashing out at them about it straight away. Or if you feel upset that they didn't come to meet your family last week, just talk to them about it, say something like "Hey, how come you couldn't meet my family last week? I just feel a bit upset that you can never seem to meet them. Is everything okay with us or am I just overthinking this?"

Sometimes the answer is much more comforting than you would think. Or if it was how you'd feared, you would then know for sure and could make a decision what to do from there.

Now I have actually had a few situations where I have not communicated how I feel to my boyfriend and in the end I'd wished I had. Here is one of those situations which has probably been the worst:

Now I'd like to start off by saying that I am currently struggling with some kind of mental issue/s and often get anxious, depressed, and sometimes very angry. I also have trust issues and get quite insecure at times and thus am easily jealous.

Anyways, here's what happened:

I was being nosy one day, looking at my bf's profile since I missed him or something and clicked on his list of "liked" pages. Some of them were of women, which I obviously didn't like but upon checking their profiles, they looked to be Youtubers from gaming channels which made sense, given that he was into gaming. He'd "liked" the pages of some male gamers too in fairness. The woman gamers had posted loads of selfies on their profiles but he hadn't liked anything.. Apart from this one photo I came across of a woman in a batman dress

Anyways, I felt horrible upon finding that, really angry and upset. I knew he had a thing for me in dresses so he must've found this woman really attractive. He hadn't "liked" any of my photo's or even changed his relationship status at the time either (although has since). I stopped myself for a moment to check when it was posted as it may have been before we were going out so I had a look: December 5th, yup, we would've been going out by then. I got upset then stopped myself again, I remembered how I'd read or watched something once where they said when a guy likes your photo it doesn't necessarily mean he likes you, but because sometimes guys like photos when there is something in the background they like, or you're wearing a t-shirt with a character they like on or something. "Well it has got batman logo's on it" I thought to myself "He likes batman, maybe he just liked it because of that."

I would still go back and check the page from time-to-time though, in case he'd liked anything else of hers since but he hadn't so I just thought "Yeah, batman logo's.." or "Maybe he just liked it by mistake, I think he mentioned he had trouble with his old phone like that. He hasn't liked any other of her selfies so.."

One day though, when I was talking to him on fb and getting along well.. I was thinking of how sweet he was when I stopped myself from getting too attached "Better check his loyalty before I make a fool of myself" I thought (though there were other factors to my thinking this too), and so I clicked on his profile and found the page again.

No. He hadn't liked anything else of hers but it'd been a little while since I'd checked so I had to remember where I was up to last time or I knew if I'd saw the picture he'd liked again, it'd wind me up. Whoops! Too late! Found the pic!

I had another look at it and realised the dress came up high enough to see her thighs. "Oh, of course! He liked it because of the batman logo's! suuuure, yeah right! He liked it because you could see up to her thighs in it!"

I felt terrible again, worst than before. It bugged me so much, I felt angry at him for not thinking about how I felt at the time, and angry at myself for all the bad traits I have, looks wise and personality wise. I was thinking about how she was prettier than me and how I was never going to look like that and all the bad physical traits about myself, thinking my boyfriend was just embarrassed to be with me, thinking how I get angry and jealous and insecure and all the bad things about me, thinking I was a bad person and ignoring all the good things about me, thinking about all the ways this woman who I didn't even know was better than me, at least looks wise anyway.

I can't even tell you how horrible I felt and it may seem like I'm overreacting, but I honestly could not help it, I wished so much I could. I never wanted to feel that way, it made me so uncomfortable. I was feeling like I was never good enough for anyone and wanted to hurt myself since I felt I deserved it, and I indeed did hurt myself a bit. I'd woke up in the night a few times thinking about it, feeling so awful, tears flooding, not being able to relax, not being able to sleep much, not being able to eat much when I thought about it. It felt so, so bad. So angry, sad, and worked up.

So.. Why didn't I just speak to my boyfriend about it? Why didn't I just ask?

Well it was a few things - I felt embarrassed, what if I seemed needy? Or creepy for stalking his fb? What if he got annoyed at me for getting so worked up about it? What if I seemed controlling? What if it was being controlling to say? What if it was being manipulative?

That's why I didn't say anything - Plus this was months after he'd liked it that I was still getting upset over it. So no, I decided not to say anything and just keep quiet about it. I'd keep it a secret. I didn't want to tell anyone else other - they'd only judge me for it and have a go at me for being so insecure, so jealous, so "dramatic" etc... No.. I wouldn't say anything about it..

Anyway I knew I needed to get help about my mental state in general as I'd kept feeling bad about other things too and eventually got counselling at my college (though currently have no support for it and have to wait for help again since my sessions got cut short due to half term and have now more a less finished college - just waiting for a phone call from some other people to help).

Anyway, on one of my counselling sessions I was embarrassed, but told the woman all about this worry and other things that worried me too. I just let out all the stuff about this batman dress picture thing that had bothered me that I had kept bottled up for so long. We spoke and she showed me how to do a CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) paper thing for another of my worries and had suggested I speak to my boyfriend about some of my worries regarding him.

I listened to what she said and realised maybe she was right. I was scared but decided I had to be brave: I had to tell my boyfriend about the things that were bothering me so much.

Later in the day while I was messaging him, I told him I'd decided to tell him when something bothers me and finally bought up about the picture thing. He kept apologizing and said he didn't know and that he was an idiot when I'd asked why he'd liked it. He assured me I was the only girl he loved but I didn't believe him, I told him to just be honest and that I thought he'd probably liked it because she was pretty and in a dress though he told me I was prettier, I still didn't believe him. He couldn't seem to remember why he'd liked it when I asked, though I wondered if he was just making that up but he promised on my life and his that he honestly didn't remember and that he just loved me and would truthfully tell me why when and if he did remember.

He kept on apologizing and saying he'd do anything to make it up to me, and that he felt bad, and when I told him it was okay he told me it wasn't, and that he felt like crying. He told me why when he eventually did remember though - Turns out he was with a (so called) "mate" at the time, who told him that he was a wimp if he didn't "like" that photo.

I still didn't believe this story at first until he promised on mine and his life this was the case. My boyfriend does have confidence issues too tbf and also says he used to get bullied so he was probably just scared of his mate winding him up. I still wasn't happy that he hadn't thought of my feelings at the time and hadn't stood up to his friend for me (I mean if one of my friends tried to get me to like a pic of another guy I wouldn't give in because I'd have thought of my boyfriend feelings), but at least it wasn't as bad as I feared, and he agreed to let me teach him how to stand up for himself too which we are still working on.

I just wish I'd have found out sooner - It would have saved me so much emotional trauma, so much anger, so much self-hate, so much crying, so much anxiety and comfortableness. It would have saved me all that at the time had I just bloody said something about it.

Well I learned the hard way but I now know in future: If something bothers me, I just need to talk to him about it.

I would advise others to do the same with their bf/gf too: Sometimes the answer is not as bad as you fear and can ease your worrying. If the answer is as bad as you fear however, you would at least know the truth and so could decide what you wanted to do from there.

As always, thanks for reading and hope this was helpful! Sorry for any grammar errors.

[Anonymous]

communication