So this should already be obvious to most people, but looking at my own relationship, it seems not everyone gets this idea.
Me and my boyfriend first met when he was 12 and I was 14, but only recently got to know each other that well when we became best friends last year, by talking on Facebook and Skype a lot. Boy was he a sweetheart! - Reassuring me and giving me advice when I broke up with my cheating ex, being more concerned about me than himself, seemingly truly regretful of mistakes he'd made in the past with people, always reminding me that he was there if I needed him, and sharing a similar humour to me, too! With how sweet and great he seemed to me, paired with the fact I already found him physically attractive, I couldn't help but get a HUGE crush on him.
I was so happy when I found out he liked me too and apparently always had done, I was probably the happiest I'd ever been. Plus, it was my 19th birthday at the time, so I was so happy I can't even explain, my family thought I was drunk! (granted, I did have a few drinks and was a little tipsy, but no where near as much as they thought).
We hadn't seen each other in a few years so I said we should meet up if we were to start going out, and he agreed. I remember once we arranged a day he was teasing me and saying he was going to hug and kiss me and make my face go red when he saw me, and though I was shy, I was really excited about that and looking forward to it so much. "Finally, this guy I've had a crush on for ages is going to kiss me!" I thought. I was very excited as well as nervous on the day. My boyfriend asked me if we could just act like friends in front of his parents for now though, since he'd had a bad experience before with his last girlfriend, I was a bit offended given that I wanted to tell EVERYBODY of our relationship and was nothing like his ex, but agreed anyway.
His Dad was driving us to broad walk so I acted like I was just friends with my boyfriend in the car, but expected him to hug and kiss me once we'd got out and his Dad drove away. Instead however, he didn't do any of those things and was just in a very grumpy mood. I didn't understand, he'd never been that grumpy when I'd spoke to him before. He looked a bit different to how he did on Skype but I realized I still liked him when I started worrying if he still liked me.
We looked in a few shops and he kept complaining about being bored, so I suggested we take a walk in the park or something though he thought parks were boring. We walked through anyway and he didn't even hold my hand, I thought about maybe reaching for his or jokingly calling him a "Mr Grumpy Pants" and kissing him on the cheek but decided against it. "Maybe he's like this because he thinks I looked different on Skype too," I thought. "Maybe he actually doesn't like me that way in person and he'd probably just get annoyed if I kissed him or grabbed his hand, I don't want to embarrass myself if he doesn't like me."
He continued acting grumpy and complaining about being bored because there wasn't much to do there and asked if I wanted to go home. I think I said I didn't mind or that I was okay, mainly because I was hoping for him to hug or kiss me or something before I went home. No such luck though, since he wanted to go home, I ended up going home early too. I was very disappointed and confused, my brother pointed out how quick I'd been on my "date" too. I was genuinely expecting my boyfriend to message me saying he didn't like me after all and that we should just stick to being friends; instead however, he apologized for sending me home early, explained he was just tired, and told me he loved me and that he'd make it up to me. He ended up telling his parents about us too.
My Mum was concerned about my relationship with him from the start, but I overlooked it. It just carried on going downhill from there - he didn't kiss me for months because of his confidence issues, I always had to go to his house and he wouldn't come to mine for ages because of his confidence issues, he wouldn't always get back to my messages for hours because he was on Xbox, he never got me anything for Christmas until he found out I got him something, didn't bother doing anything for me on Valentines day because it's "too sappy" and in December we didn't even see each other for a whole month because he was having family problems and wouldn't come to my house because he was scared.
I overlooked everything though, I mean he always assured me he loved me, I'm his one true love, he'd do anything for me, he thinks I'm cute, would compliment my personality as well as my looks and kept saying he wanted to marry me when we're older. He knows I don't believe in sex before marriage and respects that too so he can't just be with me for that.
I always made up excuses for him. "It's his confidence issues", "He has a lot of problems, maybe he doesn't know how to act in a relationship", "We don't meet up that often because he has family problems."
Even after those family problems were dealt with, we still didn't see each other that often. Many a time it would get to the day we were meant to meet up, I'd be getting ready and then it'd be
"Sorry I can't meet up today, I didn't sleep good" or "Can we leave it for tomorrow please?" or I hurt my back on that Alton Towers ride in sixth form yesterday" the day prior to when we were meeting up.
There I would be, always making up excuses for him, writing him love letters, putting him on a pedestal, always getting back to his messages when I saw them, always eager and looking forward to seeing him even if I was in pain with my stomach or something, telling all my friends about him, buying him the odd present like a pack of chocolate "just because" and making sure other guys knew I was taken, and all for what?
To only ever get anything back in return when I asked, for a little effort to be put in on his side.
He always assures me he really does love me and doesn't like showing his feelings, but he doesn't make me feel loved. As I say, I used to overlook everything just because I liked him that much. Besides, who else will be as tolerant as he is with my problems? What other guy would be as loyal as to promise on his and my life I am the only girl for him and mean it? What other guy would put up with my insecurities and jealousy? My craziness? What other guy would be that understanding as well as honest & sensitive about things as he is?
Those are rare kind of guys, and so I stuck with him. The thought of marrying him however, scares me, I know I can't live like this the rest of my life, as it has made me very upset.
So why, oh why don't I just break up with him? Well there's what I've already said about other elements of his personality being rare, plus he always tends to get very upset whenever I hint at having second thoughts about this, to the point where I notice him crying and tells me he has that "sinking feeling".
So I will give him another chance, I have told him he needs to put more effort in and show more eagerness to see me without me constantly having to say it, and that things need to change and soon.
We see each other more than we used to (twice a week now) but it is still not enough effort for the relationship to keep going. It is in badly need of repair and things really need to change soon, or maybe it would be better to go back to being friends with him. He says he will do all he can to keep me, but I will judge on his actions.
I've written this take as a warning both to people who don't put in enough effort to their relationship, as well as people who put in all the effort in their relationship.
So if you're the person who puts in very little effort because despite liking someone, you're just scared to or something: Brave up. Put in your share of the effort and show your feelings before you hurt the person you love and risk losing them.
If you're the person who ends up putting in all the effort in your relationship: Don't stand for it, have a word with your boyfriend/girlfriend about how their lack of effort is affecting you and the relationship before it eats away at you and starts making you depressed and questioning everything like it did to me.
And if you're the person who puts in an equal amount of effort in your relationship to your partner and you're both happy: Well done (and can you teach me please? Because I want my relationship to be that consistent too).
Anyway I'm sorry if this was long and hope you enjoyed reading and can take something useful away from this take.
Thanks for reading.
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
1Opinion
This doesn't sound like an issue with both parties putting in equal amounts of effort. Based on a lot of the instances you've told us about above, it sounds more like he's either not equally interested, or interested enough. Which, in addition to using you and keeping you around as his emotional crutch (assumedly around his 20's and chalking up lack of knowledge of basic texting/general etiquette to being too self-conscious?), is a recipe for disaster in my opinion.
I mean, I realize that we're all only human and will have down days where we go on a date and feel grumpy af. However, that usually will end in a discussion regarding it. Either the grumpy one asking if the date can be postponed/changed into something more low-key like watching a movie at home, or the other one telling the grump that they understand they're not feeling 100% but they're appreciate if the grump didn't bring everyone else down with 'em.
Best of luck with whatever happens between you two. :)
Thanks, I mean he was grumpy the first couple times but now it's just the odd time when he is, usually when he's tired.
He is 18 now but does have a lot of problems (learning disabilities, ADHD, anger issues, trust issues, confidence issues, anxiety, etc.), I have a lot of problems too but different ones (low in vitamins, don't know how to get many places on my own or how to cook since I was never taught, have emotional problems I'm still waiting to get help for, often feel insecure, overreact to things and show severe symptoms of anxiety).
Thing is, he'll say he loves me and goes on about wanting to marry me and looks like he's crying whenever I hint at having 2nd thoughts and it makes me feel bad since he thinks he breaks everything he touches.
He says he's not good at showing his feelings but will try more for me, I hope he does because it is getting upsetting & causing me to rethink things an awful lot, not 100% sure what to do
Hmm.. I see. How would you feel if things with him were to stay exactly the same, not improve in any way? Can you see yourself remaining with him for several years and being happy in such circumstances?
Just ask yourself that and answer honestly. Every relationship has different dynamics that end up working for both parties but yeah. Just be careful that you don't end up staying with him out of pity. You stay with him because you know that without you there for support and whatnot, he'd crumble.
Good point. I know I can't remain with him like this the way it's going. Perhaps I'll decide a time limit and if things don't change for the better by then, I'll go back to just being his friend
My advice is to move on. It just sounds like you're trying to drag him kicking and screaming into this relationship, and he keeps resisting. It also sounds like like has a LOT of growing up to do.
Yes, equal effort is essential but this sounds like 99% you and 1% him and I seriously doubt it'll ever come close to 50/50. You'd be surprised at just how much some guys WILL do for you and not only that, they're happy to do it, and you're not constantly fighting with them to make it happen.
Good relationships don't feel like a chore to either party. If it does, it's rotten.
Sorry, I meant to type "like HE has a lot of growing up to do."
It's okay, I get what you're saying. He does want to try and make it work though and gets very upset when he worries about me having second thoughts. Like today we were kinda joking about and he was like "Cuz you love me, don't you?" I wasn't sure how to answer since last time I'd honestly answered with a "I think" he gotten quite upset. I was kind of avoiding answering the question but he kept asking so I just said "Well you got upset last time when I said 'I think'", he asked me if that was the answer again or something and then turned away and looked like he was crying. He looked like he was crying a few times today when he was worrying about our relationship so I think he does care, he's gotta put more work in really soon though or we're going back to being friends. I don't want to hurt him but I can't be with him like this if it carries on the way it's going
Sorry, he just sounds... well, like a little boy. Wildly insecure and just completely at a loss as to how to make a relationship work.
Like I said, he has to grow up and frankly, he's not even close to maturity, in my honest opinion. I think it's great how you're sticking by him and trying to help (lots of girls wouldn't do that) but don't let his lagging drag you down. It's YOUR life, too. ;)
Thank you :) I know he has a lot of problems but like you say he does need to grow up, I mean he is 18 now. I feel really bad that I made him cry though :/ I guess maybe I'll give a time limit to see if things change but otherwise? Maybe it's best to just go back to being friends, or perhaps go back to being friends for a few days and see how I feel. It can be difficult what to do in these situations, I literally woke up around 5 today and started crying because I just don't know what to do though I know the best thing might actually be to break up with him, but then I fell back asleep and thought "I'll give him one last chance to work this out first" when I woke up. It's very confusing so I appreciate you talking to me about this since most don't bother since it's confusing
I know this will sound stupid but both of you are very young. All of this seems like the end of the world right now but trust me, in a year or two, life will have moved so quickly I doubt either of you will even remember it much. ;)
The less you agonize over this, the easier it will be.