Relationships

On Overcoming Your Difficulty to Trust Him

On overcoming your difficulty to trust him

Will you stop getting paranoid? No, his closed phone doesn't mean he's doing something shady. Phone batteries get uncharged sometimes. Phones break. He might be somewhere with no signal. And what if he was in facebook or viber and didn't answer to your messages? Or if you saw he was online while he was supposed to sleep or work? Or if he was online instead of giving you a call? He might have forgotten it open. He might be taking a break. He might have wanted to check something. He might have had an important conversation. It happens. And then happened to hit the like button on some posts, including a pretty girl. So what? No need to worry if she wasn't openly sexual or if it was someone you know. You should stop obsessing over it, close off social media before you say something you'll regret, go do something else and give him the chance to contact you back and explain himself, before you begin accusing him of being unfaithful to you. Put that phone down, don't bombard him, take a deep breath and don't work yourself up. Don't start a fight out of nowhere. Yes, you have other things to do than wait obsessively over the phone or the laptop. Show him that you aren't dependent on him and you are your own person. And let him be his own person too.

He has a need to be independent and be himself, like you do and maybe more. His whole life doesn't revolve around you, he has hobbies, interests, dreams, work, a social life. He can't put it all aside for you. You can't forbid him to do things, or get in his way of fulfilling his dreams. Would you like it if he was ordering you around? The mature way is to talk about the things he does that make you upset or worried without being confrontational. Present your thoughts as a problem and work together to solve it. Let him choose what to do. Then, he can choose to explain his thoughts behind his actions. If he believes you are willing to listen and care for him, he will share his life more with you or he can even choose to include you more in his life and his dreams. If you explain yourself clearly, he might realize the distress his actions brought to you, and choose to be considerate and change up his ways or you might come in an agreement and both compromise. That way, he might share his unhappiness with his boss, or introduce you to his friends, or find more time for you, or choose to unfriend certain people (women) if you are willing to do the same.

You need to acknowledge where this constant worry and fear comes from. If this mistrust you feel is because of past events, you have to realize that your current boyfriend has nothing to do with it. If past wounds make your life unbearable, talk with him about it, but also find a psychologist to help you cope, accept the past and move on with the future. Or maybe is it your own fears and issues that you project to him? If you feel insecure and you need him to reassure you at all times that you are pretty and worthy and show you that he wants you. If you are afraid of abandonment and loneliness, or have no interests and no job and need him to put his life aside to be with you all the time. In that case, you need to admit that your distrust comes from feeling inadequate or worthless of the person you're with. Then, you have to inform your boyfriend about it to see if he's willing to put up with it or support you on overcoming it. Afterwards, you have to be wary of what you say, and stop yourself each time you feel like sprouting accusations for no reason. But most importantly, focus on improving yourself, so that you have no reason to feel inferior. If the jealousy is something you've experienced only in your current relationship, think about what triggered it. Did he gave you a reason to get jealous by doing something bad? How bad was it? Was it your interpretation of his behavior that made you feel like that? Did you let him explain his motives? Ask him and not operate on your assumptions. Is he generally not trustworthy, heating or dishonest, even in his previous relationships? Furthermore, are you able to go past what happened and forgive him or you have the need to accuse him of it again and again? Bad actions and feelings should be discussed and not remain unsolved, pile up and create resentment.

People do slip up sometimes, and you have to judge if you are willing and able to forgive him. Sometimes, you discuss about it, or have a nice big fight to get the bad feelings out of your system, and then everything is as it was before. No resentment or sadness at all. Sometimes, you want to maintain your relationship, despite the fact that you are hurt by him, but you find it hard to forgive and move on. In that case, you need time to see how it's going, to restore your trust to him and to stop feeling hurt and deeply sad every time you remember what happened. A relationship doesn't depend on just one person. He should be considerate of the distress he caused to you with what he did and be remorseful. He should explain why he did what he did. He should put up with an amount of distrust and endless questioning for a while, and offer reassurance to you, because your distrust is based on his recent actions. He should be willing to make amends with his words and behavior, and show an actual change. On the other hand, you should remain as open as possible and keep the communication up. Don't become distant and hostile. Give him the chance to explain himself, show him empathy, by understanding what made him do what he did. Let him make amends and show to him you 've noticed the changes he's made and the ways he's improved, and you appreciate it. Don't try to hurt him back with petty revenges. It might make you feel better, but it will ruin your relationship even further by starting a cycle of revenge and reciprocation. He gave his phone number to a girl, so you chatted up a stranger, so he commented on that girl's hot body, so you refused to go out with him, and so on.... Also, don't device difficult tests and obstacles he has to overcome. For example, if he always goes out with his friends every Friday, don't make him cancel it to go on a date with you. Don't make absurd demands. You know what I mean. Such as, he has to unlike this photo because the girl is prettier than you, or get up if a woman sits next to him on the bus.

Well, let's say a lot of time has passed. You still feel that the wound is too deep and you find yourself unable to forgive him. You yell at him for his past mistakes again and again. You feel bitter and your fear he'll do it again is causing you a permanent anxiety. You might even notice all this has an impact on your grades, or your performance or your health. In that case, it's clear you should break up for your sake and his as well, unless you want to get therapy or help from someone about your feelings, such as a priest, a psychologist or a close friend. Another possibility is that you'd be willing to forgive him, but he's not admitting that what he did is bad and doesn't apologize to you. Maybe what he did wasn't that bad after all, seen objectively, but you also observe that he remains unmoved, cold, distant and uncaring, or even mocking in front of your distress and sadness. Maybe he promised he'd change his behavior and quit certain actions, but doesn't seem to follow through his promises or even make an effort towards it, and keeps repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Then, you should proceed to break up with him. If not so, what does that say about your choice to be with him? If he's a known, unrepentant, unabashed unfaithful man and you are with him anyway, you know what you're getting. If he's abusive, then apologizes, promises he'll change, and in the next argument forgets about it and hits you again, run. If you feel hurt because he doesn't want to delete his dating apps and porn subscriptions, or because he keeps being friends with that certain woman who's known to give sex easily to everyone, or because he keeps getting wasted every so often and he doesn't give a damn about the turmoil those actions cause to you, dumb him.If you value yourself, you should leave. Even though you love him, even though you really want the relationship to work, you can't keep it standing alone, if he doesn't make an effort. You both have to want to be together. You have to be important to each other, and have respect to each other as well.

Alternatively, you let time pass, and you see improvement in your relationship. Sometimes improvement comes quickly, and sometimes it takes months and years. You might have gradually understood his reasons behind his actions, and helped him overcome those reasons, so he doesn't need to act that way again. For example, if you caught him trying to cheated on you and he explained it was because you didn't make time for him, and then you arranged your program so that you'll be able to meet up more often. Or he admitted that he cheated on you, showed true remorse and actively tried to make your relationship better. Or if he followed through on his promises, such as he really didn't hit you ever again. Or if he showed concern about your sadness or anger, even if it was irrational according to him. If he showed willingness to make compromises.

In that case, you 've just overcome your difficulty to trust him, and you earned a wonderful reationship! You are both feeling good being together, and you are positive that whatever happened is in the past. You both feel happiness and fulfillment through the relationship, despite the occasional fights that occur. You both have room to grow and support on your dreams from your other half, and mutual trust and respect. You still feel desire, love and passion for each other. You plan for a common future together. You want to make a good impression on each other's parents and friends, you both want to find a job and be independent financially to be able to talk about living together in the future. You both plan nice dates, such as going to the cinema, to the beach, to the club etc. You want to share new experiences together, such as traveling together, trying out new sports, learning to dance etc. Overall, you deem your relationship good and relatively drama free.

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On Overcoming Your Difficulty to Trust Him
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