Relationships

A Good Girl's Guide to Madness!

So, I think all of us have been there! Haunted by a guy or a girl from the past, someone that made a significant change in our lives without even meaning to. Mine started at 16 and I had no idea it would continue till today...

A Good Girl's Guide to Madness!

For the purpose of the story I'll name my guy Alpha, just because I feel he would appreciate first and foremost, that I didn't name him and second, just because I think he'd find it funny... Plus, I always thought he carried himself with an "alpha male" attitude throughout his life.

For me, it all started at a senior's party... throughout the years that I and Alpha were classmates, I honestly felt no attraction whatsoever, hell I've been on the complete opposite lane of almost hating on his cocky attitude, but something happened at that party, something major and the next school day Alpha was not cocky, he was not trying to be funny and he was not talking to anyone. I knew what had happened, pretty much the entire school, students and faculty alike, knew what had happened and all eyes were on him. I won't go into detail on what happened that night, I'll just say this; Two parties were at fault, but only Alpha took the heat of the big high school scandal. He was alone and sad with his head down for the entirety of the day, till I called out to him with my group of friends and invited him to chill with us afterschool. That was the start of a long friendship that for me evolved to my biggest crush ever.

Fast forward one and a half year later, the scandal of Alpha is long forgotten by everyone, things returned to normal but one thing changed and that was Alpha's attitude. I appreciated it, it was what made the awkward, teenage me fall for him. I would give so much thought and plan even the smallest of interactions with him it always felt like I was walking on eggsells around him, but at the smallest hint that I had a chance with him, I'd grab on that hope so tight... I was desperate. So after a long time, I finally mastered the courage to tell him how I felt. Obviously, he rejected me, later on I overheard him talk about me with a friend. "She's a good girl, but that's not enough, girls need to have a little something, something more." I'll admit it, I was a good girl, I tried to be flawless around people, I didn't want to be mean and I rarely expressed my emotions openly. He had read me like an open book, I had nothing going for me and he knew it and that was what hurt me the most.

A Good Girl's Guide to Madness!
We stayed friends and I'll admit it was difficult. A day after my confession he updated his facebook status stating he was in a relationship. It was shocking, because it clearly felt like an indirect message to me. Alpha was hardly the type of guy that posted things on facebook, let alone making it facebook official with a girl. It hurt my already cracked ego, but as a good girl, I pretended I was ok, that nothing had fazed me. It's summer, school is over and we decide to go on a vacation together with our friends. He'd flirt with me every chance he got, he even initiated a kiss in the disguise of "drinking games" and even asked me to have a walk and talk in which conveniently he brought up my confession. "I'm wondering how you're holding up after your confession, I know it's important to you-"

My self-confidence might have been zero, but my ego couldn't let him continue, so I cut him off.

"It was just a small crush, it meant nothing to me!" I saw it for a split second in his eyes, he was hurt by my response and then his wall was back up. It felt good... I had hurt his flared up ego, just the way he had hurt me... At least that's what it felt like.

Years passed by, we went off to university in different cities and we would keep and lose touch. We had both moved on from our highschool selves, I grew into my skin, I found who I was and wanted to become, I was passionate for my interests and was more outspoken, we were in and out of relationships with different people and gained experiences. I hadn't seen him in so long, I hadn't talked to him in so long... So when we ended up in the same outing, you could see the surpsrise on his face. I was a late bloomer, no doubt about that, but in the last 4 years, I grew confident in my own skin (the 25 pound weightloss didn't hurt either). he was shocked and flirty, but I was not interested. For me he was a small piece of my past, a person that I thanked just because he made me realize how people perceived me and what I did wrong in my interpersonal relationships, but he was long behind me... or was he?

A Good Girl's Guide to Madness!

A few weeks pass by and we end up going to a friend's party... and he is all over me, he looks straight to my eyes and he's hugging me and planting kisses on my head and I find it creepy as hell at first, but as the day passes by and the drinks add up and we talk and he expresses how much respect he has for me and he actually describes to me, how happy he felt that very first moment I invited him to hang out with my friends the very first day after his "scandal" (something I never expected he'd remember) and then he proceeds to talk about my confession when we were 17 and I finally admit to him, that he hurt me just because it didn't matter anymore and with our heartfelt talk we have a few more drinks and the hours pass by and we end up making out and it feels intense and oddly weird because it feels like it's the first time he sees me as a woman, a desirable woman... And we have to call it a night, and he asks me to spoon and I'm like ok... and things kind of grow out of control and I stop him... because it's the right thing to do. And I realize, that I'm still the same old good girl! Even with little to no control I did, I stopped. And I didn't regret it, because the next day Alpha made a 180, no flirting, no touching no nothing except an awkward talk about our friendship in which I agreed gladly, that we are friends and nothing can change that.

A Good Girl's Guide to Madness!
In all honesty and transparency, I felt nothing for him, no magical feelings, no fireworks, no regret after the fact, I felt α carnal desire, that's the truth, but still no feelings were there. So why did I let it go on as far as it did? Why did I kiss him back? Years later I'm still wondering the same things, about the same person... so at the end of the day am I still the little girl I was at 16? Am I the young woman of today? Funny how the same person of the past still makes me wonder about who I am as a person...

Alpha I owe you a heartfelt thank you if not for a very pleasureable make-out session, then for your constant influence over me, as far as exploring who I actually am goes! Because still I have no idea, but I'm very excited to find out!

A Good Girl's Guide to Madness!
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