My Boyfriend Isn't My Soul Mate—And I'm Glad

My Boyfriend Isn't My Soul Mate—And I'm Glad

It seems counter intuitive to say that: why wouldn't you want your other half? And granted if I had met my "soul mate" before Stephen, I would have probably been happy. But if I met him right now, I wouldn't change anything. Stephen is my one.

I guess it is because I don't really believe in soul mates. I believe that two people can either be perfect, or near perfect, in compatibility. But I do not believe God creates people for people. I believe God creates people for himself. And creating soul mates that we are supposed to find would be distracting/maddening.

I believe that some people are meant to find their "soul mate". Others, I don't think it's significant enough in the grand scheme of life. The person they are supposed to leave a legacy with isn't supposed to be their "soul mate". I guess the real question is: can you live a happy, satisfactory life without finding your soul mate? Can someone who is extremely compatible with you be enough?

For me, the answer is yes. For years, I have questioned when I would find the person I am supposed to be with. And it was maddening to date, not knowing if they would be "the one" or not. I did not want to get trapped in a relationship, and "the one" show up while I was unavailable. Or worse—I would have already been married. It sounds terrible when you say it out loud, but a lot of us function like that. We are often called hopeless romantics. I established a new name for it: perfectionists.

I envisioned myself meeting my partner spontaneously, in a random setting. We would cross paths and strike up conversation that would accidentally last for hours. We would just "click". Then he would ask me out, and we'd go on a few dates and confess how amazing the other was to us, and we would both know that we were meant to be. We would date a couple of years, then get engaged, married, and have children a few years later.

That isn't what happened at all.

Stephen and I went to school together for years and never talked much. We were friends of friends. We had one class together where I sat next to him, and I hardly remember it. Stephen was tall and nerdy, thin as a rail, and never said much. He wore an oversized Mountain Dew hoody every single day. In fact, I cannot remember a day in high school that he did NOT wear it.

Fast forward to 2016. I break up with a guy I'd been with for a year and a half. We had planned on getting married, but it just wasn't working. I call a friend suicidal. Try dating another guy in college. Send racy photos and cyber sex to some G@G guys. And end up at Stephen's house on Halloween, have a little alcohol, and end up in his bed. Wasn't even drunk.

This was 2 months after the break up. Things didn't go the way I wanted them at all. In fact, it went the complete opposite. And I wouldn't change a thing.

After Stephen and I talked the next night, it hit me like a train the following shift at work: I loved him. I couldn't believe it, but I recognized that mixture of emotion, intimacy, and trust instantly. And I hadn't felt it in nearly a decade.

I told Stephen I loved him after sleeping with him for 3 days. Yes, I know this is fucking insane, but this is legitimately what happened. We tell old peers we run into that we are together, and their eyes grow twice their size. Our friends still wonder how this happened. One of them actually accused Stephen of lying when he told them. We still look at each other sometimes and think "how the hell did this happen". It's a year later.

Ironically, I think the shock and audacity of the whole situation is why it worked. I didn't go in with expectations. I didn't go in hoping to fall in love. Nothing about this experience was preplanned or convoluted or anything. It went against every grain of my perfectionistic personality, and I loved it.

And strangely enough, we get along really well. We had a lot of things in common we never knew about, and he is one of the only guys I've dated that actually puts me first more than I put him first. He has his flaws and there are beliefs we don't agree on, but none of them are worth giving him up over. We're also different in a lot of regards. He's a gamer; I'm more athletic. He's super into politics; I buff in religion. He's a reclusive jack of all trades; I'm a people person. And yet, we complement each other great, and I can legitimately play "I love you more" with him, and mean it. We don't argue very often and hardly ever fight. We talk about everything, even if it's hard. And we always work things out. I guess one of the things I like most about Stephen is... he is living proof that I don't need something perfect to be happy.

I have never been this happy in my life. So why would I give this up for a supposed "soul mate"? It's not that I think Stephen is my soul mate—I know he's not. I guess the truth is, I've just become so happy that...

I don't really care.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I agree that God is our soulmate.

    However, when people say soulmate, they usually mean the person that God intended them to be with here on Earth.

    I think Stephen is that guy. You help each other grow in Love, and through Life.

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    • I take the word soul mate literally, I guess. I perceive it as people who believe they were either created for each other, or are literally two halves to one soul.

      I feel like soul mate is just something you know when it happens. I think Stephen is close, but I wouldn't say he is technically my soul mate.

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    • why you think that he isn't your soul mate?
      you feel comfortable together. you work for your happiness.
      having a soul mate doesn't means you have everything for granted.

      that's what i think, after my experiences

    • by the way a soul mate not necessarily is meant to be your partner.
      sometimes they just come into your life to teach something. and when you meet it's always devastating / making a big effect in your life

Most Helpful Girl

  • I've got news for you, everything you've described is essentially what a "soul mate" is. So call it what you want but you two being together in spite of your perfectionist instincts
    = soul mate.

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    • People have different definitions. I was going by what I'd consider the most extreme definition: people who feel like they are literally two halves to the same soul, or a "perfect" match. I don't personally feel like we are either of these. I like Vyxzuw's definition: lifemate. Someone who isn't the same soul, but you are meant to spend life with for some specific reason.

      Whether we are or not is up to debate. I don't really care anymore. I just thought it'd be good food for thought. I'm glad you think so, though! It makes me happy that other people see us as soul mates! I wonder if other people can see how much we mean to each other in public sometimes ☺️

    • Thanks for the MHO and good luck with him💟

Join the discussion

What Guys Said 13

  • I agree with your point. It makes it too much of a project to find people, if you finding your soulmate. It is no longer dating, but rather searching. Searching won't let you enjoy what you have here and now.

    However, I do believe that Stephen is your soulmate, but not in the way you expect. If he allows you to live a fulfilled life, and distracts you from the stresses that involve finding someone, then he is your soulmate. Soulmates do not need to be compatible to be a soulmate.

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    • I guess the reason I don't consider him my soul mate is because I don't feel like I could say he is, compared to how other soul mates feel.

      I've heard other people talk about soul mates, and they say they could never be with anyone else if their partner was gone. I think I could. They say they nobody else could make them this happy. I think I could be happy with another person. Compared to them, I don't really feel like what I am feeling is quite the same. There have also been other guys I have dated that I felt like could have been my soul mate, but I blew it. I was young and insecure, and they got married. I feel like I had more chemistry with them.

      I guess my deal is, I am so content, that I just don't care. I don't feel like he is my perfect match; but I also don't see that as a requirement to be happy. I see soul mate compatibility and "the one" I am supposed to be with as two separate things, because I think if they were the same thing, God would make sure we find each other.

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    • Fulfilled-mate?

    • @Direction I liked what @Vyxzuw used: lifemate

      A person you are supposed to go through life with. Not necessarily a soul mate, but someone who will make life the most fulfilling.

  • Interesting mytake

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  • Interesting take...

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  • I'm pretty sure he'd be fine with you not being his soulmate.
    This relationship will probably not work out.
    Stop being so dramatic. 'Soul mate' is just a fucking word, It literally means "a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner", it doesn't mean a bond is created between two people in the eternal heavens.
    Oh and by the way you sound like a clingy & mentally screwed up kid anyway, like sending 'racy pics' to GAG guys? Falling in love after three days of getting railed? Yeah no thanks, he'd be fine with you not being his 'soul mate, any man would be.

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    • Thanks for your opinion. I appreciate that you didn't post anon. Lol, I just posted an entry about that 😅 Yeah, things have been pretty rough... The last guy I dated told me to get off my antidepressants because they were "brain washing" me. When I stopped taking them, things just didn't work out. I think that's why Stephen is such a good boyfriend. He is really supportive and patient. I've recently gotten back on my meds and started seeing another doctor. He says it is possible that I have bipolar II. Stephen doesn't think I do, but my mom's questioned it for a while.

      Stephen and I both have our own problems, but as long as we know the other person is worth more than the struggle, we know we'll be okay.

    • Oh and by the way soul mates do exist. Your new 'hoodie boy' as a rebound is just a pathetic attempt at trying to forget about your ex. You're still all about your ex, the guy who actually was your soul mate.
      God didn't create people for himself, God doesn't need anyone. God created man for woman and woman for man.

    • I would disagree with that... I broke up with my ex because I got tired of him using me... It gets exhausting giving to another person, waiting for them to care about you as much as you care about them. I don't think he intentionally used me. But his parent model at home wasn't the best. His parents got a divorce, and his dad wasn't very emotionally present. I think I tried to be patient and believe that he would eventually change, but sometimes people need to sort things out on their own.

      As for soul mates, they might exist. I don't know, but that's not my personal opinion. There are some people that claim they are real, and that they have found theirs. I totally respect that, and think it's really special. But Stephen is really special to me, so I'm not really inclined to worry about it for myself :)

  • I'm glad my current girlfriend doesn't have my herpes.

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  • Congratulations

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  • You're happy that's all that matters in my opinion

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  • More happy horseshit. :)
    There's no such thing as a 'soul mate' and there is no 'ONE'. Many suitors, compatible for a mate - and the reason one dates so they can discern whether they're worth it and whether it's a match.

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  • There are different schools of thought on this opposites attract or you connect with someone most like you but as you say the true indicator is just who you connect with.

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  • It all depends on the supposed existence of a 'creator' and on the definition of 'soulmate'

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    • I agree. Personally, I believe there is a creator. As for the definition of soul mate, I am using the most extreme definition there is: two people that are literally the same soul cut in half, or a perfect match.

      My point is, you don't need a perfect partner to be happy :)

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    • Cool beans :) People like you are what add flavor to the site.

    • An internet site needs all kinds of people, provided they show good will.

  • So confusing

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  • Ever considered the person you end up with is your soul mate?

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    • I consider them different things. Some people consider your soul mate somebody you were literally created to be with. The most extreme view is that two people were created from the same soul, and cut separate when they were born, destined to find one another.

      I consider a soul mate someone you are perfectly compatible with. But no, I don't generally consider them the same thing. I feel like soul mate is a very special term, and I'd prefer not to use it unless I feel like this person is, down to my soul and spirit, undeniably. Other people use it very sacredly.

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    • Hmm i don't really understand it then.

    • Eh. It doesn't really matter. Just some food for thought for some perfectionists out there.

  • Soul mate is.. eh.. something i won't be finding anytime soon.

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What Girls Said 6

  • I think if your boyfriend is the person you want to be with, and he makes you happy, and your relationships works, then he IS your soul mate. I'm not clear on what makes him not your soul mate.

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    • Lol petty definitions. If you fish through some old comments I've made, you'll find out what I mean.

  • People define things differently I guess. I don't think soul mates are necessarily always romantic and I do think you meet more than one in your life.

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    • Interesting perspective. Never thought of it that way :)

    • There's more than one soul mate. A friend can be a soul mate, a pet can be a soul mate, a relative. I don't think things have to be romantic. There's more to love than just romantic love.

    • Very true. Thanks for sharing!

  • Interesting Take

    I believe in soulmates too but I think people mistake their soul mates to be perfect, like described in novels

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    • Yeah, that's kinda the definition I am going off of. Again, I don't exactly believe in soul mates, so I'm kinda using someone else's definition. Some people see it as two halves to one soul, or a perfect fit. I think it's cool that you don't see it that way! You sound well balanced. I'm not so much :/ I tend to feel OCD about the whole thing sometimes...

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    • Totally agree.

  • As long as you and Stephen are happy together and have a good relationship. 👍

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  • Whatever works for you guys :)

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  • I hope I find that one day.

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