They say that problems that arise in adulthood are actually deep rooted in childhood and to overcome your weakness you should trace it back in childhood and try to understand what makes you act the way you act.
So that's what I tried, returned back in my hidden past and tried to make it clear where it started. I had a few events that might have caused it but I remember one of them the most clearly.
- I am probably 6 or 7, my little brother lays in the corner of the room crying loudly and asking her (The person I don't want to name) to stop, I am crying too. Then she comes to me, hitting as strong as she can and the more I cry the more excited she seems to get and the stronger she hits. At one moment I feel like my mind and body are in different places and since I am fixed on the wall and can't get out of her claws I do what I think will make her stop. She overpowers me today, but I can still defeat her if I stop giving her what she wants - my tears. So I try to stop crying as much as I can, single tear falls on my cheek, I look at her ecstatic eyes with insensible empty teary eyes, raise my chin up and smile. She stopped.
I think that's when it started, the day when I stopped crying and the day when I stopped asking for help.
Soon I became aloof, trusted no one, over protected my brother and failed at expressing my feelings. From a very affectionate kid I turned into the kid who could hardly ever say "I love you". Sometimes I would want to express my feelings but something inside made me stop, I didn't hug or say sweet words to my family members anymore. The only close person to me was my brother, the only person who could see me crying and the person I could rest my head on.
I was the same outside, as cheerful and lighthearted as I've always been. So people loved being around me but I would only develop superficial bonds with them and lived two lives. One - at home and another - outside. Everyone thought I had a very happy life, they thought I was a lucky one to have a life I had, barely knowing the real me they all wanted to befriend me and honestly, I liked it. I could enjoy life outside and forget what waited for me at home in the evening. But I never ever talked about my problems, conversely, I was the one they addressed once they needed a help or support and I always tried to inspire them and help but my side of coin was my secret that I refused to share with anyone. I hid all my weaknesses so deep that sometimes I used to forget that I was a human too and I was allowed to be weak sometimes.
I would continue living like that and being happy until someday I fell in love.
LUCAS
When I first met Lucas (not the real name) I was 9 or 10, having holidays in the village of my grandparents. He was the boy every girl liked, including my cousin. There was something free and wild about him, he was a young judoist and champion in his age. That day when I realized I fell in love with him he promised me to win for me before he would go on the tatami, another judoist he had to fight with also had a crush on me and confessed me, so I felt like they fought for me and I wanted Lucas to win. He won and soon after confessed me his feelings and asked me again what I felt for him. I was excited and overcame my fear of expressing feelings and told him "I love you too". And he was the first and the last guy I have ever told these words to.
I felt surprised I said it and had a feeling that now that I told him I loved him too, I was weak and defenceless, so I needed to escape from him immediately. That's what I did.
The other day I was so panicked and afraid to meet him that immediately asked my parents to take me back in my home city. So the next day when he went at my home to see me I wasn't there but 100 km away from him. I have not returned there for a year.
And after a year when I returned I hid every time when my cousins told me he was out and searched for me. I know It's immature just that was the only way I could handle my feelings.
ALEX
I am going to skip some of my love stories because pattern is the same everywhere and I ended things the same way in all cases.
Alex (Not the real name) was different from everyone I've ever met before him, he was smart, intelligent, sweet, had a great sense of humour and he had something sensitive and soft in him that made me want to dig deeper and to love him more than I loved others before him. Things between us became more and more intense, my feelings to him were the softest ones. I thought I was head over heels in love and so was he, things went great until he told me he wanted us to be in a relationship. Suddenly I felt so scared that I can't describe it, thought that If we'd come closer , we'd lose the sparkle and we would end up hurting each other just like my mom and dad hurt each other and just like everyone I loved ended up hurting me. So guess what I did? The silliest thing ever.
I ended things myself, I guess one day I just got angry about something he did and instead of trying to make it clear just went away. Looking back, he didn't do anything so bad just I guess I needed a reason to escape from him and as soon as he gave it to me, I went.
But that time, I guessed that something was wrong. He was the 4th person I ended things like that. Every time I promised myself not to act that way and still I failed and did the exact same thing, every time when I noticed I was catching strong feelings and started to fall in love, I was afraid. I guess I was afraid of being vulnerable.
Alex was different because unlike others I saw him everyday and I saw how he suddenly turned from happy, cheerful, popular guy into depressed, sad person. I couldn't recognize him. That's when the feeling of guiltiness stroke, I thought I did a good thing, I really thought so, I had 100 justifications of why I acted the way I acted, but looking at him like that nullified all these justifications. I was like I just killed a human and I had no idea how to approach him, how to tell him I was sorry , how to mend his heart, how to make him happy again. He was proud person so he would probably find it hard to forgive the way I ended things with him. I had to live with this guilt for years.
Eventually I decided that I wasn't ready for relationships, so instead of hurting people I cared for I needed to take a break and not to fall in love again. I did it. I've never been in love since 17. It was a relief. Huge relief... and meanwhile, I had time to think about my past and present.
I thought about every time when I rejected people just because I was scared of being vulnerable again. It has become so undivided part of my life that I hardly recognize when I am doing it.
I believed the fairytale of me being the strong one and not needing anyone in my life, however, the reason I fell in love with Alex was that he let me be weak around him, I could be my real self with him, without any facade and mask and It was the best feeling ever and I am thankful for this.
I don't want to hide my real self again. I don't want to victimize myself, being vulnerable and letting other be vulnerable is the nice part of life.
Fear of closeness is still a fear and I was always used to challenge my fears, so why not face it?!
The only way I can overcome a fear is doing something that I am afraid of. I don't think It's that easy for me to overcome it though, since I've been that way for like 14 years already, but facing the problem is a half way of solving it.
All my relationships, including family, friends and romantic ones have been too superficial and oriented of me not getting vulnerable with anyone. However, today for the first time I told my friend of 4 years, about some things from my past and I was surprised, It didn't feel that bad. It actually made us closer. Yesterday I told my mom that I love her , well, I admit, I hesitated saying it but I still did it because I wanted to do it for a long time.
I don't know what I am going to do tomorrow but right now I just want to hug my 6 years old self and tell her "Cry!"
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