Women Over 85 are Happier After Their Husbands Have Died, Finds New Study

[Anonymous]

A study by the NHS found that women are less happy than men until they are 85, but after that age, they are happier. This coincides with the age where men die.

The study indicates that women on average are not happy in marriages with traditional gender roles, even if they might stay married to their partner. It also goes in line with statistics that show that women are much more likely to suffer from severe health conditions throughout their lives, including mental health conditions. Particularly young women between 16-24 are more likely to have mental health conditions, as well as women over 34. This coincides with the ages where most pressure is put on women and how they look, and later on married women who not only need to care about themselves but their families.

These statistics are very clear. Many women are not happily married and do not thrive in roles where they need to worry about their own life as well as their husband's. I think this is a clear sign that men who actually love their partner will not let her be submissive and work for them, but will care for her wellbeing and put just as much into the relationship as she does.

It makes me so sad to see all these women spend the majority of their lives unhappy and with mental health issues, only to find happiness once their husband is dead and they can finally stop worrying about someone else.

And don't say it's not true, I worked at a community center for elderly where I arranged bingo nights, and got to talk to many women who took care of their husbands until they died, whereas all the women were taken care of by their children while they still had to prepare meals for their husbands even though they could barely walk.

Men need to take responsibility in their marriages and take on the role of the carer as well. You cannot expect your partner to care for you, clean for you, do your laundry, manage your schedule, cook for you, raise your children, if you don't do the same for her at the same rate. Especially after pension. It's unacceptable that a woman's job as carer has to be until her husband dies.

It doesn't mean that those women didn't love their husbands. It means their husbands became a burden. Don't be a burden. If you're not ready to take on equal responsibility for the relationship, you're not ready for a relationship. Don't put your partner through a lifetime of hardship.

(And I'm not talking about couples sitting down and discussing how to share responsibilities, or her choosing to be a stay-at-home mom. Though that has issues too, as stay-at-home mom are at a higher risk to be depressed and lonely. I'm talking about the majority of couples where women do more work than men throughout their entire life and do not get adequate remuneration for the work.)

[Hal2002]

What these studies really need to do, is ask first of these women if they married for love or security/social standing.

Because I have observed over the years, that women that married for love and had genuine emotional connection to their husbands. Were happy in their marriage, even if they did not seem to have anything in common with their husband.

Than there are the women that married a guy, for security and social standing. I am willing to put money up, that the women in this study fall into the marring for security group.

Married couples that have an emotional connection, tend to work together and share responsibilities from housework to children. Couples where security or social standing played a major part in them getting married, usually have defined roles. The husband makes money and raises their social standing, the wife is at home and her role is to take care of the home husband and kids.

Than they complain they are not happy, because they have to take care of the husband. That is what you signed up for, when you married for security. Security comes at a price.

There is a saying. When you marry for money instead of love, may you have to earn every penny.

I am acquainted with a few married women, that married for security. They all have a nanny that looks after the kids, a housekeeper/maid that comes in threw the week to cook and clean. The only thing they have to do, is look pretty when they are with the husband at business or social events. Yet they bitch constantly, about how unhappy they are.

[bubble_tea]

Seems like only women age 85 and older are interviewed for this study, which means they were born 1932 and earlier. I think society's pressure that sex and children is only acceptable within a marriage, that people have be married before reaching a certain age and that it's unacceptable to get divorced have a lot more to do with old unhappily married people who are happier once they are widowed. People from younger generations would just get divorced.
I'm fairly certain that the same study conducted in the next generation will yield completely different results, because those who stayed until the very end had the option to opt out without stigma.

[genuinlysensitive]

Its not even a real study, the asker is trolling.

[thunderseed]

One important thing you're forgetting is that the majority of people lean on one side of being submissive or dominant or pleasers or receivers. It's extremely rare to find someone who is both of those things at once.
Forcing equality in a relationship is bs. You need compatibility instead. You can't put two Subs together, it just won't work out. They could try to force "equality" but neither of them will ever be happy together. If you are a pleaser, you need to be with a receiver in order for the relationship to work out. The problem here isn't about lack of equality, it's about people jumping blindly into relationships with people they aren't compatible with, or not knowing or caring what makes them compatible with someone. P. S. I know plenty of older couples who thrive with the kind of dom/sub relationship you describe. But if the person who is being forced to care for someone's needs is NOT the kind of person who enjoys that, then of course it's not going to be a good match for them and they will be very unhappy.

[myTake Owner]

That's not the issue though. You can be caring and more submissive without burdening all the chores. Just because someone is submissive, doesn't mean they should be taken advantage off when it comes to shared responsibilities. You know, being caring can be something like fixing someone a drink when they come home, giving them a back rub. There's no need for it to be doing all the chores around the house by yourself while your partner watches TV. Some people may be into that, but most women I've met were pretty upset about that.

[TingaTinga]

Well that NHS study I think could be slightly flawed just because that generation of over 85s is very different to ours and has very different ideas. For example, it wasn't illegal to rape your wife til around 1990/91 in Britain where NHS is. For those older people, their marriage was made at a time where if your husband beat you, you stayed. There was no option of saying no to sex. You did what he said and that was that. It was also quite taboo to leave, and even today those women of previous generations find it more difficult to leave than we would. They stay trapped, because marriage is for life, even if it's being married to a pig.

Nowadays, yes, women do still take on a larger proportion of house work and childcare, regardless of if she's working the same as her husband is or not. Women are much less likely to feel pressured to stay in such unhappy marriages that they actually feel happy when the partner dies. I think if they do this study again in 20 years or so, when the 40 year old of today are a bit older, the results will be different. And do it 40 years after that and it will be different again, because I notice now how it is becoming more and more normal for a father to take on child care, take the kids out, do his daughters hair for school, make lunches for school, make dinner etc etc.

I have always felt sorry for that generation. So many marriages I have seen that look wonderful, but after having deep talks with the woman on life, love, marriage etc... Just regular girl chat, I see the immense pressure that that generation has had on their shoulders, and see how reluctant they are to leave a horrible relationship.
I hate how quick people are to divorce today, but hate that in the past they couldn't divorce when they really needed to.

That generation of women, they didn't have the choices we have. Even when it became legal for them to have those choices, the stigma was huge so they'd just 'put up and shut up' as they say... Sad.

[Darkfairie17]

I can understand why this study had these findings.

Back when these women married, it was up to the woman to do all the childcare and house stuff. The woman stayed at home and the man worked. Gender roles were very rigid and for women it was not a good time.

Women didn't have much other choice than to go along with social norms. Even if the woman wasn't interested in being a wife and mother, she really had no other choice.

Women are often still considered to be the carers in a relationship. Even though we feel that things are equal, they often aren't.

I think it's important to have a balance in a relationship. Both partners need to check in with one another and make someone doesn't feel like they are doing it all while the other just reaps the benefits.

[Anonymous]

"Men need to take responsibility in their marriages and take on the role of the carer as well. You cannot expect your partner to care for you, clean for you, do your laundry, manage your schedule, cook for you, raise your children, if you don't do the same for her at the same rate. Especially after pension. It's unacceptable that a woman's job as carer has to be until her husband dies."

Sounds like you are bashing men. Maybe you should stay single? Not all men think this way. And, as far as I am concerned, women like gender roles. Look at all the women telling me how to be REAL MEN on this site.

Also... women 85+ are from the olden days where they were expected to be the housekeeper. Back then, gender roles were reinforced.

Anyway... it's not just a man's responsibility. It takes 2 in the relationship. If you don't like something or want something changed, speak up.

[myTake Owner]

If you read to the end, you'll find a whole paragraph on #notallmen. I'm not saying it's all men, especially now. I was lucky enough to find someone who is very caring. This was addressed to the men who aren't, which there inarguably still are a lot. I had the misfortune of meeting quite a lot of them myself, even in this day and age.

[FatherJack]

At 45 , I was VERY glad I made the decision to get rid of my idle , complaining ex wife. Life is better , even as a single dad , still working FT , far less stress & negativity without her... I would likely be dead myself from a stress induced coronary if still with her !! Any wonder men are avoiding marriage... damned whatever we friggin' do !!

[Charleslvajr]

Condescending and insulting. Certainly makes an even greater argument for not getting married. It's not as though men aren't nagged enough in marriage, threatened constantly with dissolution of the bond, worked to death supporting a family only to be constantly emotionally bashed for not ever being "good enough". Now it's men's fault that a woman can never find happiness without the death of a man and the subsequent insurance payment.

[myTake Owner]

Damn, who hurt you

[Charleslvajr]

I'm talking about this take.

[Charleslvajr]

I work 60 a week no matter how much my body hurts. I take care of the repairs on the house, pay the bills and ensure everyone has all of their issues handled. I do enough, my wife can attend to the care and feeding of the household.

[myTake Owner]

Did you ever ask your wife if she'd rather you work less and help her out? If she'd rather she had to do less housework and could do more paid work too?

Also, I have lived alone for 7 years, paid my own rent, done the household and the repairs. And trust me, occasional repairs around the house take way less time than daily cleaning/cooking chores. It's 3-4 hours a day if you want your house to look nice and eat healthy, compared to 3-4 hours a week or a month, usually even less if you don't live in a super old house. And she has to do that too, no matter how much her body hurts.
My mother felt the same way after my father passed. She says the additional tasks she now does around the house don't take much of her time and she wonders why it always took him so long to do it.

[Charleslvajr]

Sure if we wanted to be on welfare. How do you think the bills get paid? Magic? It's funny how you put that. LIke no male has ever lived alone prior to marriage. I was 30 before I met my wife. I was 18 when I left my parents house. Hmmm. Somewhere in there is some time lost and being a veteran, I sure as hell didn't leave shit lying around to be cleaned up by others. Yeah, the assumption you make about how fluid peoples lives are points to the fact that you have only you to be concerned about. When your responsibilities widen come talk again and we'll see how that has changed.

[Charleslvajr]

by the way - My wife's job is homemaker.

[Charleslvajr]

Women are happier after men are dead. Well that's fucking great, when do the men get to be happy. They work and they die so some ungrateful females can enjoy the twilight years. You tell me when do men get a chance to be happier?

[myTake Owner]

If your wife is a homemaker and you fall within the category of people who actually defined those roles, good for you, I addressed that in the last paragraph of my Take. I'm not talking about couples where both agreed to the roles. I'm talking about the couples where both partners work and the man decides that the woman's work is less important and that she will have to do all the household activities in addition. Which happens all the time.
I've been living with my partner and his 3 year old daughter for 2 years now. I know how to share responsibilities and care for my family. And so does he.

[Charleslvajr]

If both partners work in a relationship, the amount of work done at home should be based on the amount of time and money (I say this because if I'm paying for the majority of the household budget and putting out the majority of time to do so) put into that income.

Besides, it's just bullshit for anyone to not help around the house when you get home, whether it's just going around and picking the damn place up. Everybody can stop being little bitches and help out. I do and I have a very taxing job.

[myTake Owner]

I think we agree on this, if I work half days, and my partner works full-time with overtime, it's obviously a given that I do more at home. I disagree a bit about the income, because that's not necessarily an indicator of hard work. My partner works in finance, I work at an NGO, so his income is higher than mine. But I often work more hours than him. The way we deal with income difference is that we put our household budget together from the same percentage of each income, and that means he obviously puts more in, while he also gets to keep more for his personal account. He also pays for his daughter's school and all, because I haven't legally adopted her yet.
But yes, everyone should help out, especially if you see your partner is struggling. It seems so obvious but I've experienced so many people not doing it.

[Charleslvajr]

That is why I mentioned hours worked along with income. Both are indicators of input to the household support.

I was raised as a farm kid. Everyone did chores and to your ability, not to an arbitrary sequence but to what you can do. Our home is a single income enterprise.

[Naydyonov]

Okay so I guess for society's equilibrium to come back we just need men over a certain age, perhaps 55, to die,
No obviously I'm not being serious.

These men spent their entire lives working at a job to support their wives as well. Men just tend not to be good at doing household stuff.

Let's say I have a wife. Yes I can cook, it's no issue. But the food will be the same and won't even taste good. So would it make more sense for her to cook if she's better? I believe so. If she doesn't want to... well after eating my food she'll want to.
Whatever either way

[myTake Owner]

My boyfriend cooks really well, because he practices.

[Naydyonov]

well great. Most guys I know aren't very good because they work and study (not that your doesn't)

[myTake Owner]

Yep he does, and so do I.

[Anastasiya00]

I hear you. Though I think it has more to do with the fact that they're on their old days so they are wise enough to know that there's no time to worry about nonsense unlike 16-24 yr old girls. As for unhappy marriages, well, women over 85 got married in an era where their partner was pretty much arranged or chosen based on status or money, not love. so of course they were unhappy. Nowadays women, and men of course, have more open choices to choose their partner.

[myTake Owner]

but then why would the difference be after 85, and not say 65, or 75? I tried to think a lot beyond reasons that the people who did the survey gave the newspapers, but I couldn't really come up with any. No one here has either, because everyone's busy yelling at me for being feminist. lol
Especially if you look at the male statistics in the excel sheet, they become significantly more unhappy after 85, which makes me think that it's also due to losing their partner and carer!

You're right, now women do have more choice, which is great. I tried to make that clear in the last paragraph too, which apparently not one of the guys read. This post was supposed to be more of a wakeup call for all the men who refuse to get with the new times and still treat their wives like servants, with no regard for their wellbeing, not for the millions of great men who want their wives to thrive as much as they do!

[Anastasiya00]

yeah sorry I didn't read the whole thing *guilty face* now I did. Lol I think the title just gives an idea of a feminazi but reading your reply I see thats not the case and I agree with what you're trying to explain here

[myTake Owner]

haha, yea I might have gone a bit too clickbait/newsy with the title, I should be careful with that next time lol.

[HandsomeGuy500]

Feminism is cancer and more men and women are waking up to this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTGmwsMzaBU

[hellionthesagereborn]

Well multiple studies show the exact opposite about marriage, also statistically men do more work then women in side the marriage so its not a matter of him not doing enough, if anything women don't do enough work but all the bitching and complaining about not being appreciated. In fact statistically women where happier in the 50s then they are now. But link the study, I would like to take a look at it and their methodology.

[freakyzeaky]

Not my grandmother. My grandmother completely shut down after my grandfather passed, and they were both in their early 80s when he did. She was depressed until the day she died after that. He was her sweetheart, and she loved him so deeply. Sure, she had to take care of him in the end due to his dementia, but being alone after being together for 50+ years is very difficult.

[freakyzeaky]

But then again, she was as strong-willed and caring woman who put others first but also stood up for herself. She never once complained about her role as "carer". My grandfather was a strong stoic man who fixed things, worked hard on projects around the house, while my grandmother was the one who cooked, cleaned, and arranged holiday get-togethers. His calm demeanor perfectly balanced her strong and assertive personality. My grandfather didn't take any shit, but he wasn't a dominator. He helped to clean dishes, yard work, and so much more, but they each knew their place in the relationship.

[DaTruth01]

if i had a penny for every woman who is uhappy cause her husband does all the working and paying... i would have a negative balance.

when presented with the option of working their ass off or leeching off their husbands who make much more money, most women will gladly waste time hanging out at home or at malls while their husbands make a living.

[myTake Owner]

Only if your husband is super rich. If you're not the 1%, most are obviously not into that.
Vice versa, if their wife was a billionaire, many men wouldn't do any uncomfortable jobs either.

Though considering that more and more women give up children and marriage in order to work, I don't think your right. If I take myself and my close friends as an anecdotal example, none of us want to hang out at the mall. I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

[DaTruth01]

well dont have sex without protection with men you find hot and you won't end up as a single mom its really that easy.
and all of that is talk the majority of women dont even do half of what they say they will do

[myTake Owner]

The issue isn't single parenthood. I'd rather be a single working parent than take care of my job, my kids and my husband. If he's not pulling his weight in the household, he's like an additional baby. Except for money. But that doesn't help me relax unless it's enough to hire a cleaning person and a child carer.

[DaTruth01]

the only women who marry such men are the kind of women who have serious flaws and they know they can't score better, never met a decent woman married to a lazy fuck, it just doenst happen, we all know our worth and we know exactly who suits us , so the scenario you're presenting is not realistic, men dont just sit on their asses and do nothing just cause , most men can't even stand to be that lazy , and the ones that do usually end up with women that are as i said before "Flawed" who have two options, stay single or marry a man with flaws

[myTake Owner]

My grandma is a great woman, and so is my grandpa. Yet she worked just as many hours as he did, while she still raised the children and did the whole household. Every man would have been lucky to have her. My grandpa is a good man too, he worked very hard. But he has never in his life cooked a meal for himself or used a vacuum cleaner or washed his own clothes. He has a lot of hobbies that he works on, but none of them are as necessary as cleaning and cooking. They are both 90 now. Guess who is still doing all the cleaning and cooking. And guess who has been retired for 25 years and didn't have to do any chores but could just focus on his hobbies.
It doesn't have anything to do with flaws. It's about expectations, gender norms, and habitual behavior.

[DaTruth01]

how the fuck is that even related to anything i said.
but you know what i dont care, this is how things work, dont like it? dont get married

[myTake Owner]

I'm getting married to someone who treats me with respect. Can't treat your wife with respect but expect her to be your servant? Don't get married. This is 2017.

It's related because you said only women with serious flaws marry men like that. I told you my little anecdote to show that gender norms wear down women even in relationships where both people are wonderful, hard-working people.

[DaTruth01]

correction : you're marrying a giant pussy
i've observed such relationships and the woman is the man in the house, do wahtever makes you happy but dont even for a second think that you have a real man.

[myTake Owner]

Why do you hate men? Why don't you respect the choices of caring men? He's a great father, his daughter loves him, he's a great partner, who's loving and caring, I trust him completely, he doesn't need to ask my permission for anything, not he mine, because we love each other and know that we'll consider the best interest of each other and his daughter in each of our decisions.
He's gone through relationships with women who want to suck him dry, like the mother of his daughter. And he chose me, because I'm an actual partner who want let him hang.
We have flaws and things we work on, obviously, but it's a wholesome relationship and it's really sad that you're not able to give your fellow men enough credit to see that it's actually possible to have a proper partnership between equals.

[DaTruth01]

his daughter? so i assume he must at least in his late 30s right?
no it is not possible at all, what men want is different from what women want, men who cook, clean and work aroun the house like their wives do, end up looked down upon by everyone including women, you can't have it all, you can't have a husband that does everything for you and at the same time expect him to be a real man it just doesn't work like that in the real world.

yoy say women tried to suck him dry in the past right? i will tell you why that happened, because he is not a real man ! he is not assertive, dominant or masculine, all the "we're super equal what you do i will do as well" BS made women view him as a giant pussy and as a result never took him seriously or considered him more than an atm.

[myTake Owner]

No, because he is kind and has a daughter with this woman. He broke up with her and won custody, so she failed, obviously. Please stop pretending men cannot be kind, you're not doing your gender a favor. There are as many different men as there are women. And having grown up with a dominant, abusive father, who passed away, I appreciate my boyfriend even more, because he's not afraid to be kind and vulnerable and does not hurt the people around him. He is more man than my father ever was.
He's 29 and has a really good job in finance, I'm 24 and am communications director at an NGO. We both work hard, bring in income, and split our tasks. We're too busy to worry about silly things like what other people think. We're making it happen, I love his three year old as if she was my own, and that's what matters.

[ImMackFreeze]

Also, teen white girls are more likely to be depressed.
I am not sure if this study is real or not, depends how many women were sampled, from what geographical areas, their prior relationships, cause of death, fiscal standing, etc. There are so many variables here to deal with that this study is biased. Saying that the reason women are happy after their husbands death is very hard to prove

[Death-of-rats]

A study by the NHS... thats awfully vague lol. I would like to see the published paper.

Also, have you seen the state of the NHS recently? Its a fucking shambles!

[myTake Owner]

That's as detailed as any news article would put it down, expecting you, an intelligent person, to connect the dots and be able to look it up knowing the date, topic, and publication. I found it, I don't get why none of you can.

The NHS is far from being in shambles. It isn't perfect, but it's way better than what most of the world has. Trust me, I grew up in Bangladesh.

[watisgoingon]

I did my own study and found that that men are the happiest creatures on earth if they don't get married at all

[Analinda1999]

unmarried men die earlier and have more health problems than married men. women its opposite.

[watisgoingon]

@Analinda1999 I don't know why tho. being free is the best thing ever

[Jackblue]

@Analinda1999 Men who are depressed by nature are less likely to find a wife I suspect, because men seek solace in solitude women seek solace in company.

[myTake Owner]

@Jackblue That's not really true, some studies have found that for people who were over 100 years, healthy food and social structures were the main differentiators. Men seek social contact too, but it's less socially acceptable for them to admit that they are lonely and seeking for company. Which is really unfortunate.

[Alpha89s]

@Analinda1999 Unmarried men are better financially and emotionally year after a year.
While women tend to seek company cause in the long run they can't have it all.
thats why they keep hanging like parasites on why men should change their behaviors cause they KNOW the can't live without them.

[myTake Owner]

@Alpha89s In the past maybe, now there are many happy single women. After my father passed, my mom made a group of friends, all of whom were divorced or widowed women, and non of whom would ever let a man back in their lives. You're right, people seek company. But it doesn't have to be the company of the opposite gender. If it is, great, if not, there are enough people who want friends.

[Alpha89s]

I'm talking about the general notion ! not just an example of people who are close to you.
a lot of women wants to get married yet the modern man is leaving the idea of marriage because it will not suit him in the long run.

[raspberry0416]

Good post.
A lot of this has to do with them being from an older generation too. A lot of women who are in their 80s now probably didn't work outside the home.

[genuinlysensitive]

Its also fake, so...

[raspberry0416]

@genuinlysensitive
It makes sense to me. You don't have to listen if you don't want to.

[Himig_Ng_Pag-ibig]

Sounds bullshit to me.. Why because I don't trust random articles with 'New Study shows' or ''Study shows'' or 'Find new study'' especially without links to any of the papers.

[Anonymous]

love of my life, though loving me back, she actually thought "ha, I'm gonna go with this other guy". Now married.

Expecting any time now for her to call me and say how I'm to blame for her unhappiness.

[Hal2002]

Yeah, she will call you and tell you that it is your fault that she is unhappy. Because you did not offer her, the security and lifestyle she deserved.

[Anonymous]

I bet their husbands are happier to now when they are dead.

[ScottSummers]

the best comment by far mate lol
media.giphy.com/media/QlKazYe7aYtG0/giphy.gif

[FatherJack]

It was the stress caused by the wife that killed them !!

[myTake Owner]

For men wellbeing was way lower after 85 than any other time during their life.

[freakyzeaky]

Seems like men marry for love rather than for security. When a woman marries a man who she isn't willing to completely devote herself to, then yes, she will be happier after her "duties" are over. She treats marriage and loyalty as a duty rather than a desire, then yes, she will be relieved. Guys who commit and who are loyal, they tend to love without condition and will suffer silently if the good outweighs the bad. And when the love of their life passes, they will be unhappy because their companion, the one they could share their heart to (which most men don't do with other men or even female friends), is no longer there.

I think people underestimate how sentimental and romantic men can be under that rough exterior. We think women are the softies, but maybe that isn't so true.

[azzntittiz]

hahaha I will be happier when they die too starting with my dad.

[Alpha89s]

They made a mistake having you in the first place !

[Alpha89s]

And OP you gave her like? now whats that will tell about you !!!
vile creatures.

[Anonymous]

#TROLL post. Not true at all. I work with elderly men and women. What you described is totally false.

[myTake Owner]

I've been volunteering in an elderly community center too, and had women open up to me about their abusive husbands. So, how about that. Maybe if you didn't dismiss things right away, people would open up to you too.

[Opinion Owner]

I was one of the top volunteers at my workplace too. Women and men were open with me. Maybe it has to do with ethnicity and culture. Their history makes a big difference in how they feel and think now.

[myTake Owner]

Yea, absolutely their history matters. I'm not saying every woman hated her husband, nor even that the women who's well-being increased hated their husbands. They probably loved them as much as anyone else. But it's undeniable that many care roles fall on women, until they die. And not having to care for someone else anymore after so many years is a relief for many.
It's somewhat like when your children leave house for college. You're sad that they're leaving, but also relieved, because you don't have to clean up after them anymore, pack 3 lunches a day, etc. That doesn't mean you hate your children.
I think it's an important discussion to have, and I hoped that people would take this post as an opportunity to think about elderly women in their lives, be it mothers or grandmothers, and reflect on whether they really have all they need. Because in Britain, where I live, they obviously don't.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok. I understand what you're saying. Fight is over.

[genuinlysensitive]

Definitely troll post, no such study, she links to a general study about obesity rates, and smokers, and other general health concerns.

[myTake Owner]

@genuinlysensitive Which has a section on well-being, which is what I'm talking about...