I was asked to this MyTake as a follow up to a previous one I had done about giving women what they want. That take was more of what men can do for the women in their life. This is what women can do for their man.
A few preliminary items. The data results say this applies to most men, meaning over 55% of all men in the various studies conducted on this topic. This does not mean that every single area talked about applies to each man. Each person is different, please keep that in mind.
Since I already had most research in front of me, it didn’t take as long to put this part together. I’ve never looked at research from this perspective. I know what I’m looking for in a woman as far as a “forever partner” in this journey we are all on called life. My primary research interest is in how to become a better person, attract the woman I want, and be the man she needs me to be. In basic terms, I research what women want. Not so much the reverse.
So, if you have ever been with a man and tried to ask about the relationship and he suddenly became distant and cold before he disappeared. Just before that happened you thought things were going well, but now you are trying to figure out what happened?
In the beginning everything is amazing. You get the texts and phone calls along with romantic dates. Weeks can go by where text flirting would happen throughout the day. There are nights where both of you stay up late talking. Everything feels perfect and that awesome romantic night happens. There might have even been talk about what the future holds. Then, things just seemed to go wrong.
The guy begins to become silent instead of that romantic cheerful person you knew. But, he doesn’t give a real reason; he just says he had a long day and is tired. The calls become shorter, the texts are ignored, time together gets further apart. Eventually, you don’t hear from him.
You are left wondering if there is something wrong with you. You wonder why this keeps happening, and if you will ever find “the one” that everyone else seems to find.
There isn’t anything wrong with you, and you can find Mr. Right. The key is to understand how men think and experience relationships versus how women think and experience relationships. What you see in the mass media, generally, just isn’t true. Forget about the latest magazine offering “10 secrets your man will love in bed.” You probably already know eight of them, and he likes only one of those. The other two are probably just weird.
It always seems like it’s the same cycle. He’s really into you, things are going great and then things just seem to fall apart. So what’s the deal?
Understanding How Men Think
What women have to know is that there is a very huge gap between how men and women think. It’s not any kind of earth shattering news. It’s pretty common knowledge. But, to connect with a man it’s critical to understand.
Generally, we don’t think about things in contexts like women do. As mentioned in the other MyTake I did I point out that women have contexts that they live their lives in. Women have their work context, public context, and private context. Certain rules apply on what she finds acceptable, and how she wants to be treated, in each of those areas. Men, not so much.
Men compartmentalize segments of their life. They have a compartment for work, public, and private life. Generally, we try to keep each of these areas separate. The major difference between men and women are that men do not have a separate set of rules as to how we want to be treated in each area. And, if one area seems out of control, it can affect the other areas. Especially if we can make a logical connection between them. Example: If we lose our job, it effects our home life.
What Men Want
There is not as much information on what men want, or need, in a relationship as there is for women. Most of the information is based on couples, or actions women can take to please their man. A lot of that information is watered down into 'feel good' information to sell the books. Men also tend to be rather secretive when it comes to how they feel. I'll attempt to explain, and give tips on how to use this information as I go.
One glaring statistic was evident in the research I found. As I delved into that rabbit hole, and traced the information, I found it applied to over 70% of men. Let me start with the question that was first asked back in the late 1960’s. It was not until the early and mid-2000’s that this question and its results were really looked at. The results across the board were nearly identical for all researchers.
While researching I found the same question posted here on GAG by RavinJade. I don’t know when the question was posted, but the results were interesting. While the responders were low, the results were nearly identical to the larger research conducted.
“Would you rather be alone and unloved in the world, or be inadequate and disrespected by everyone?”
To women, it may seem like a clear cut choice. To men, they see almost no difference between two choices. Even with this confusion of not seeing the difference, over 70% of men chose to be unloved and alone. Why?
A man equates love and respect as the same thing. A woman may love her man, but her words or actions may be interpreted as disrespecting him. So, when a man becomes angry it is that he cannot articulate his feelings as a woman does. Becoming defensive, argumentative, or even leaving the area is the only response he has to feeling disrespected.
Just as women need reassurance that their man loves them, men need to know that you respect them. An example that repeated in the papers I had was “A woman will say ‘I love you' to her man, but still wants to control everything." This is interpreted by the man as disrespect and distrust.
In order for your man to feel that you respect him, he needs to hear and see it.
Yes, this may sound pretty messed up. But, men are more visual creatures versus women being more emotional.
There are several key areas that women can make a man feel disrespected, and thereby unloved.
The first area is his ability to make decisions, his knowledge, and his opinions. This does not mean you cannot voice your own, but don’t repeatedly question his. At work, many men are valued for their ability to make decisions based on their knowledge. However, many feel their women do not trust this same decision making.
Next is to trust his ability to figure things out. Men like challenges, to figure things out for themselves. Allow your man to take a crack at something before he calls in an expert. But, if you sit there and ask him why he just doesn’t read the instructions first, he is hearing that you don’t trust him. Allow him the courtesy to figure it out. It is actually a really big deal to many men.
Third part is not telling him how to do something. Just as you do not want a solution when you are getting things off your chest. Men do not want to be told how to do something. We men can get into a cycle of self-doubt for several reasons. When this happens, we don’t want someone telling us how to do something, unless we ask. Yes, it may not make sense to many, but it’s true. You may very well have the answer he needs, but advice turns into instruction. In these situations, just let him know that you believe he can do it.
Another area that is vital is you respect what he accomplishes. While women tend to wonder if their man still thinks of them as lovable or believes they special, men have a similar question. Men are questioning if they are any good at what they do. They wonder if they measure up to expectations placed on them. Either self placed expectations, or by actual expectations. When your man comes to you and lets you know the laundry is done, and not to worry about it. Don’t point out that he didn’t use the right fabric softener. All that does is tell him that he failed. He separated, washed, dried, folded, and hung everything. Recognize what he accomplished. Is missing the fabric softener really worth telling him that he wasn’t good enough? Ever wonder why men say to their women “I’m never good enough?” There’s the reason.
In my last MyTake I hit on communication a lot. How women communicate with their man is extremely important. Just as a man needs to communicate correctly with his woman to give her what she needs, what a woman says to a man can tear him down in an instant.
A man almost never lets his guard down. The only person whom he truly reveals himself to is the woman he loves. She knows him the best, and she can tear his heart out faster than anyone with the slightest comment.
He could overhear you with your girlfriends talking about how your car isn’t running right. You could mention how your man just isn’t good with auto mechanics. It’s not a rude comment; it might actually be true. But, to him it says you don’t trust his ability to figure it out, and you are willing to share his failures with others.
When something needs to be fixed around the house, such as a leaking faucet. It’s not that he doesn’t want to fix it, or that it’s a complicated repair. He just his priorities list is different. Constant reminders are telling him that you are disappointed in him. As such, he sees that he is a failure in your eyes, he doesn’t measure up.
The biggest thing you can do to a man is be critical of him in public. As shown above with the girlfriend’s example, doing this in front of other men is the worst thing possible. What you may think is just harmless teasing can kill a man inside. Any remark that shows others that he not capable of being a provider or capable of protecting his woman is off limits. Making light of the fact that he tried fixing the computer only to ruin it and having to purchase another shows other men he is inept and weak.
Public joking at your man’s expense is interpreted as an expression of dissatisfaction. It would be like him grabbing a bull horn, and announcing to everyone you knew that you gained 15 pounds in a month from binge eating ice cream.
This doesn’t mean you need to walk on egg shells. The point here is that if you show him that you trust him, and even praise what he accomplishes, he will try to concur the world for you. He can’t do that if he doesn’t believe that you believe in him, and support him. I also want to point out that not all men are sensitive to each of these areas. Some may be more sensitive to certain area’s than others, while a few may be hypersensitive to all of them. Best advice is to watch how he reacts to different things you say, or do.
Men Are Not That Confident
Yes, you read that correctly. We sometimes have no clue what we are doing.
Most men have a need to prove themselves. We have an internal need to compete, to try difficult things, to be successful. Especially when there are other people around. However, the fear of failure, even the idea of failing, can be overwhelming. Often, men feel that they are always being watched and judged on their every action. They do not want to be judged for not being a man enough in every situation they are in. This leads to deep insecurity that others may discover that we fear not measuring up to the task.
There is your reason why a lot of men do not approach you. Judgement, and failure all rolled into one.
Men want to look as competent as possible. Admitting that we do not have a clue is the same as failing to most men. For most men, we will do nearly anything to keep from feeling like a failure.
Like women feel they are always being judged on their looks, men feel that they are being judged on their actions as a man. How we dress, the shows we watch, the books we read, how we walk, even the sections of department stores we go in. Even the things we say are all under the watchful eye of others.
Frequently men are going through life just hoping to stay ahead of everyone else. When faced with something new, we are just hoping to learn enough to get us through without making a fool of ourselves. However, many men live for this uncertainty. To take on new challenges, that he has never done before can be exciting. It seems contradictory that men would willingly put themselves through this. But, to move up in the world, to be recognized for accomplishments, many men are willing to risk humiliation of being called out for not being as knowledgeable as they may portray themselves.
In some professions, men have an overwhelming anxiety that their boss may lose faith in their abilities. They are on edge that one day their boss may think the demands of the job exceed their knowledge or physical ability. He can go to work looking totally confident and secure, while inside he’s thinking “Please don’t let me screw up today.”
While some professions require extra hours, some men will work extra hours or even bring work home as an insurance policy to stay ahead.
This isn’t something that just happens at work though. Men have guides at work. Documents that show them what is expected, and how to move to the next level. Men don’t have that when it comes to women. While we want to be the best for the woman in our life, we can feel inadequate because there isn’t any measure of success. The only measure is the level of happiness and respect shown to us by the woman.
So, if you look at what he is doing at work to keep his job, imagine what he is doing internally to try to keep his woman. Men judge themselves based on the happiness and respect they get from the woman in their life.
When the woman gives him praise about what he is doing right, he is on top of the world. When she gives him the cold shoulder, it just confirms to him that he doesn’t have a clue, and is making it up as he goes. If he gets enough cold shoulders, it can cause him to withdraw.
To help your man, don’t tear him down. All he wants to know is that he is getting things right more than wrong. He needs to know he is appreciated, just as much as you need it. He feels like he is being watched and judged all day at work. Many of today’s work places are less tolerant, less loyal, and more demanding. The last thing he wants is to feel the same with his woman. He doesn’t want to feel like every little mistake is being pointed out.
Men will seek out affirmation wherever they can find it. At work, with friends, in sports, in hobbies, or wherever they are recognized for doing a good job. If a man doesn’t think his woman believes in him, his confidence falters, and he will eventually retreat to where he feels he measures up. Your affirmation carries a lot power.
Affirming that he is doing what you need will allow him to drop his guard, relax, and open up to you.
There is a lot more to this as you go down the rabbit hole of what life is like for men in todays world. This small part here doesn’t touch on other areas that drive a man to do certain things, or even the physical aspect of a relationship. The research and evidence are simply thin and scattered when it comes to men in these regards.
What I will try do is come out with a second, and possibly a third, parts to paint the entire picture in digestible pieces so that women can at least get a glimpse at what men want and need.
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