1. It's hard to differentiate the genuine good guys
A guy can appear sincere but it's not long before he starts indicating signs of wanting to smash you. I have refrained from posting body pictures on dating sites. I don't want someone only messaging me for my body, and not my witty biography and posts.
I have gotten defensive to, sometimes too overly. It's especially hard to make male friends, it seems. A never-ending quest to find platonic relationships, here I go. What am I doing wrong?
2. Looks don't last forever, and it scares me
Yes, I am attractive. SO what? I am aware I will lose my youthful looks someday and I can't rely on it forever. All these older guys hitting on me? "Screw them. They will leave anyway," I think to myself.
What will be my future be like? I know I have to work very hard on my academies.
Also, I feel rather pressured to be in a relationship in fear that I will forever be single. Young blokes don't seem to want to commit either. I feel like nobody would take me seriously. Or do I have trust issues?
3. I still feel insecure
I have a thin waist, perky boobs and butt. I feel blessed about my body, especially as an Asian girl. But there are somedays I still find myself wishing I looked like someone else on the internet or a random pretty lady I see walking in the streets.
It's like a never ending cycle I am doomed with and get into. Will I find true happiness?
4. I have gone against my values and joined a cam site
I know I have the looks and ability to tease well to the perving dudes out there. But I honestly think it has also made me somewhat lazy in the sense that I am not working a waitressing job part time or something more tiring.
I feel guilty sometimes. Some people are working really hard to earn money, while me... and so, I sigh. Will I lose myself and become a stripper someday?
5. I am trying hard not to look like a gold digger
I go on dates with older guys. My ex was much older than me; mind you, I never asked him for money nor would he give me. I have trust issues too, my man was always busy and I lost my virginity to him. Sometimes I feel like I was manipulated, and sometimes I feel like I was at fault too. It's hard to find peace with the past sometimes.
Somewhat dating older guys and being seen with them in public has made me self-conscious as I start to worry about other people's perceptions. Escort, gold-digger, citizenship-digger, etc. My solution? I always pay on dates. To them, it's a surprise. And I like that. And also don't like it in a way. It makes me broke. Another sigh. How long will I go on like this?
6. Validation kills sometimes
I thrive on attention. I know that when I am walking out in public, I am getting stared at. I know some dudes are checking me out. It makes me smirk in the inside. Funny thing is I always have earphones plugged into my ears so other people wouldn't really approach me. I have ego issues, with a mix of social anxiety,
Wickedly enough, I want to be approached too. Oh and I like when girls stare too, that's a plus. Death stares? Even better, I guess. And after having a nice attention shower time in public, as I am walking back home, I start dreading going home. Another time alone at home, as my demons tug in my head, and I plop onto bed with eyes glued onto my phone screen. Dating sites again, perhaps?
Why, hello loneliness. :)