Relationships

Dealing with a Breakup: Self-Pity or Self-Growth?

Hello, I figured I'd take a moment to write up a quick myTake on some of my ideas for how to effectively deal with a breakup. Obviously these may differ from person to person, but when I am upset, I have found them to work well. Enjoy reading & thanks for stopping by!

1. Find ways to distract yourself from the pain

Learn to take control of your pain and get off the isolated island
Learn to take control of your pain and get off the isolated island

When someone we came to trust with our hearts hurts us, it is often a natural response to isolate ourselves from the world, and let the pain control our emotions. Depending on the importance and duration of a relationship, some people may weep, while some may become numb, or even frustrated and angry. Pain is a very real emotion, one with the ultimate power to control our day to day life if you let it.

This is easier said than done, and everyone heals emotional wounds at a different pace. But what is common amongst humans is resolve, the ability to pick oneself up from the wreckage and take that first step forward into a new dawn. Take exercise classes, or go out with friends, develop a new hobby that interests you, or listen to music. Whatever it may be that relaxes you, do this to din out the noise of the pain. Pain is only white noise, a screaming entity that can be drowned out with some courage and much needed distractions.

2. Talk about it with Close Individuals

Talk about the breakup with close friends. Seek their advice and comfort
Talk about the breakup with close friends. Seek their advice and comfort

We all have one or two friends that we trust to confide in, whom we feel comfortable talking about anything under the sun with. When we are happy, they are there for us. When we are sad, they are also there for us. If you don't have a friend like this, find one, because they are so important to have in life. The very family which raised you is also very important, and can be a truly valuable source of comfort when dealing with a tough situation.

When a breakup happens with a loved one, talk to these close friends or family, rather than wallowing alone inside a brain screaming with pain and despair. Often times, they can be the necessary light to illuminate the darkness. Sometimes, they can bring you out to meet new people, or go to a concert, or otherwise distract you in a meaningful way. And the most important aspect.... they are there to just listen to you when you need them the most.

3. Learn from the Experience

Reflect on the experience, and what you learned from it. Use this learning to better yourself
Reflect on the experience, and what you learned from it. Use this learning to better yourself

A breakup is chalk full of learning experiences, should you choose to positively reflect on such an experience. You can be negative, saying things like "he/she was an asshole", or you can thank the individual you were in a relationship with for teaching you a valuable lesson. Sometimes, the easiest way to move on from a relationship, is to reflect on what went wrong, and use that information to better yourself to prevent a similar situation from happening again.

As an example, if you fell for someone too easily and missed a lot of the warning "red flags" along the way, take a moment and reflect on the initial days with this individual. Did they do things that you just missed because you were in love with some other aspect of the person? Maybe it can teach you to more closely examine an individual in a holistic way; such as to focus on their whole being (including personality), rather than just the physical for example. Or, if you know they were being dishonest the whole time yet you blindly trusted them because you loved them, then you can learn for the next time to establish trust early, and accept nothing less. Ultimately, you know yourself better than anyone else in this world. What you choose to do with that knowledge is ultimately up to you.

4. Let Go of the Fantasy

Dealing with a Breakup: Self-Pity or Self-Growth?

Learn to stop dreaming about what "could have been"

Usually, a relationship ends for a reason, after a period of time during which things hadn't been going well for a while. When you look back at a negative relationship, it is not that which you mourn, rather it is what could have been had things gone differently. Many relationships go through a "honeymoon phase", where everything seems so fine and cheery at the start. As a result, we establish expectations based on all of the positives that are unfolding at the time.

In order for our mind to heal our hearts, the painful memories often get pushed into the background, in favour of a deep longing for the good times. You come to forget who the person really was, instead idealizing them for the person you wanted them to be. Try to remember the full truth of the "why" the relationship ended, and only after acknowledging and accepting that it happened, can you let go of the events.

5. Learn to Forgive

Dealing with a Breakup: Self-Pity or Self-Growth?

After an unhealthy relationship, anger and pain often help with the separation process; a mental distraction from the pain and hurt. But when we hold on to pain and anger from negative experiences in the past, we bring them into the future. Betrayal of trust is painful, which forces us to re-evaluate the person we once thought we knew really well. Forgiving someone for the pain they caused isn't just about letting them off easy, it is about your emotional freedom.

Sometimes, the easiest way to forgive is to see the situation from their perspective. Take a deep, holistic reflection on the situation, and realize that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes. Many human actions are conducted to make oneself feel better, and in this self-beneficial perspective, our action's impact on others is often a secondary consideration. It doesn’t make it right, but sometimes seeing someone else’s perspective can help you understand the events that unfolded better and make them less personal.

I enjoyed writing this, and I hope it helps some people out.

Thank you for reading

~ JC

Dealing with a Breakup: Self-Pity or Self-Growth?
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