I decided to write this take after asking a question about it this week. I asked about the struggle of saying no, and they changed the topic from Relationships to Girl's Behavior. Unfortunately, this does not only happen with women and has little to do with sexuality.
If your life is exhausting, if you think that people take advantage of you, that you have no patience and strength but still do everything that others ask, it's time to say NO. If you are not able to take time for yourself, when everyone else comes first in your life, if you are unmotivated, wanting to change and feeling like a prisoner of your social life... it's time for you to say NO.
Last year, I found myself in one of those situations that made me feel like a “people pleaser” because I'm used to help the people I love ~ being the person who they call when there's a crisis or when they need to vent. Being an only child, I was in a moment of stress because my father had had a serious surgery and I was responsible for solving all the problems and at the same time taking care of him. My time was divided between my work and my duty as a daughter.
In these times, friends who need us so much disappear and still complain about our absence. They told me to relax, to go out more, to keep helping them even if they knew I had so much going on. I began to feel confused, I had no time for anything, I was unable to express my own feelings out of pity and fear of hurting the person.
I was so overwhelmed with my life that I had no idea how to manage everything. Until the day one of my closest friends ~ who proved to be a true one ~ told me that I was too good to people all the time. I was used to always lift their spirits, encouraging their dreams and helping them in every way I could.
However, enough was enough. The person who needed me the most at that moment was myself.
I began to learn that in life we need to create boundaries. Limits for everything and everyone.
We put boundaries on our children, didn't we? Even on our pets! We teach them that not everything they can do, showing that the limit is important in human (or animal) formation. Thus, setting limits on our attitudes is also a daily exercise to educate ourselves.
Oh, but what if they get mad at me? If they don't want me in their lives anymore?
What if they don't love me because I always don't do what they ask and answer what they need? Do people who abuse your goodwill, who suck your energies and your ability to say yes, who make you their doormat love you?
Not being afraid of losing people is a good start. Not having a problem whether you like it or not, is another good start for your self-respect.
I've been too afraid of losing people in my life. I was so afraid I wouldn't be accepted by them in case I wasn't amazing and smart and available. I was terrified of all this. Today, I feel more mature. Along the way, I've learned that if I can't really do something, I won't do it. If I don't like something, I say I don't like it, I don't agree. I've seen a lot of ugly faces, oh, I did! But I didn't care about them, I didn't care at all. I was at peace with myself because I was free to make my choices, to go or come whenever I wanted, without worrying if it would take everyone away from me.
It's only by saying "NO" that you can concentrate on the things that are really important. (Steve Jobs)
It doesn't mean I say “no” all the time, none of that! It's knowing how far you can go to do one thing or the other, to accept something, without it harming you. When we don't tell someone we can't help them, when we don't say “no” we become conducive to always serve and be exploited by the smart asses who know our weaknesses.
That is the first step for your emotional freedom, for a healthy and happy life, no strings, no handcuffs, no dissatisfaction or worries ~ you just don't care anymore!
If they resent you, let it go!
Let us keep in our lives only people who respect our boundaries, who really care about us! That's who I am now. That time is over, I will never be like that anymore, I feel free now. Now, I say NO.
Thanks for reading.