My life with anxiety.

[Mike199921]

It started 11 years ago and i still have it to this very day. It causes so many issues with my "love life". I overthink every little thing from kissing my own girlfriend to even hugging her. I'm not saying that i don't want to or i don't know how, it's thinking about how do i start it, how long for and how do i know she wants to. That's just from this year. Its also made me question so many things like do i really deserve my girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, i love her to bits and i want to spend all my life with her but my anxiety stops me from doing basic things like telling her how i feel about her ( which i'm getting better at) and even telling her she looks really nice when we see each other. Again, it's not because i don't think that, it's because i can't get the words out when i want to. Don't get me started on my sex life, which is none existent. Despite knowing her for 4 years, dating her for the last month and being in a relationship with her for last 3 weeks, i still question everything. I am slowly getting better at it due to getting advice on here and from my mates. Hopefully one day i will eventually get over it and live a happy life.

[TheAfrikan]

❕ if you truly do love her as you say. And she is really that person you can really trust for help or advice.
Then be open to her talk about your problems fill her into the Anxiety issue. If she really loves you then she will be able to understand you.
What makes us strong is facing our fears with a strong brain and hard fist.
Be free be open with and tell her how much yu are proud to be with her. Do not limit yourself she is your girl go for it.

[Mike199921]

can that be done over text or does it have to be in person. im happy with either but next time we will see each other is Monday or Wednesday

[TheAfrikan]

It will Make more sense if your to meet, And say it face to face to face. So wait untillyou meet.

[Mike199921]

what if she wants a hug or a kiss but she doesn't know about my issue or problem

[TheAfrikan]

Then that is why it is good. U talk about it once you are to meet. So that she can know what troubles you.

[Mike199921]

i mean when we see each other, and she may want a hug, what if i overthink it. she doesn't know about the issues

[Mike199921]

what if she wants a hug first

[TheAfrikan]

Well then do not hesitate you would just give it to her, simple nothing you lose.

[Mike199921]

i know im going to overthink it, I knows its a hug which isn't difficult but I don't know :(

[TheAfrikan]

You can do it. Say that and let it sound in your head.

[Mike199921]

how would i know she wants a hug, how long do i hug for, where do i put my arms. Im a right mess

[TheAfrikan]

Hmmm well you can know when the time is right. Once you meet her smile. Head towards her n hug her.

[Mike199921]

im just full of anxiety

[TheAfrikan]

Then it is high time to fave your fear. If you do not then it will take you over.

[Mike199921]

if its easier, you can dm instead

[Mike199921]

what if i go to hug her and its not what she wanted or different

[BeenThereLovedIt]

I have stage fright. I'm also in bands and play shows. Contradictory, right?

Stage fright IS just another festering symptom of anxiety. The negative thoughts about every detail can take over your brain and freeze you in place. It builds with each and every thought, causing the freeze to build in duration and intensity. Embarrassment and other negative thoughts creep in and multiply the intensity; it's truly a soul-crushing event.

Here's how I beat it:

First you must realize that you will NEVER remove the anxiety from your self, unless the anxiety has a specific origin like a stressful job or something. Most drugs are ineffective or cause equally bad side-effects. Some mood stabilizers do help marginally. I don't recommend trying them though as it's just too much work for too little gain.

I reached out on musician communities online and found a common, but simple way to overcome it. Before going on stage I would drink a beer and a shot (or two shots lol), and have a second beer on hand to sip between songs. Alcohol is called "social lubricant" for good reason. Drink it and your inhibitions fade away and are replaced by liquid courage. After drinking up, I was able to go up, and perform. Keep in mind, this is more like learning a skill, not the drinking part, but using the drink to calm your brains over-hyped negative thoughts on outcomes and learn to live in the moment.

Over time, I needed less alcohol because at that point, it was something I had done a few times and was getting used to, so I weened off of it. Within a few months, perhaps 30-40 shows, I was able to go on stage and perform without any alcohol. I still felt the anxiety creep back, but I had already beat it, and had done this enough times that I was able to not only get through it, but continue to improve my ability to shake it off with each passing show.

One word of caution, know your limits- there's a point with alcohol that we just get drunk and sloppy. That's why I had a formula for it that worked for me. Also understand that I'm a happy / social drinker. Some people become angry and violent when drinking, so this may not be for you.

My whole point here is that maybe you should just do a couple of shots before seeing her to squelch those bombarding thoughts, and train yourself to be more in the moment, effectively training yourself to stop tormenting over every detail.

Good luck!

[Drumlin2001]

Talk to her. Really open up about whats in your head. Take things one step at a time. You'll be surprised how quickly these things can go once you can break down the mental barriers. I had long standing issues, was a 35yr old virgin. Brealing down the barriers, talking to my ex was so difficult. I would literally fail to find the words in so many conversations. My ex used to laugh at how much i squirmed (in an endearing way). But once i started talking, we worked through the physical things step by step. Everything became much easier after

[Drumlin2001]

Oh. And on therapy. I started going bout 3 months before things with my ex. It helped me immeasurably. I'd still be in my rut if i hadn't gone for it. But its something you have to want to do.

[Browneye57]

Self diagnosed? Or do you have a shrink?
I find a lot of these self-declared mental issues are just normal feelings everybody feels, but some don't cope well. For too many they are just sure that they are a victim of sorts, that they have no choice. For too many it's just lack of ability to deal with reality, and I blame much of of that on poor parenting. Where is your DAD?

If you really do have a mental condition then seek professional help. And get yourself fixed before bringing another party into your life - it's just not fair to them.

[Maddily]

Sounds really tough. Have thought about therapy to get some help with that?

[Mike199921]

no not really, i should go but i dont want to

[TheAfrikan]

Even that can help also. Some kind of therapy. Rather going for councelling.

[BluRayne]

Try playing some couple and sex games together. Like sex dice and stuff and does she know the problems your having?

[Mike199921]

she knows i have anxiety but not the issues its making me have

[BluRayne]

Tell her

[OpenNudist]

When I got home from Afghanistan after 8 years of combat I don't know what else to say to except that I literally just lost it, I drank like a fish for 3 months and then Members of my Platoon from Falujah started calling me up at random times and I regained focus quickly, they needed my help as much as I needed theirs

[FireRedPikachu]

tHANKS for sharing