There is no Benefit to "Friends with Benefits"

[Ozanne]

I am no believer in the Friends with Benefits concept. I think it's a term that was created for the person who loves the least between the two people to make the person they're sleeping with feel some validation, without validating them.

By and large this is a relationship. Even if one person is not admitting that the other is their girlfriend or boyfriend - they are. Let's not kid ourselves of this. To label one's relationship as Friends with Benefits is like putting insurance on your sex life. One of the two involved are free to search for another partner if this one doesn't work out - during the relationship itself!

With potential hurt feelings that may occur, there really aren't benefits to a Friends with Benefits situation. If you truly enjoy your friendship with someone, then keep them as friends the classic way and don't sleep with them. Sex almost always changes everything for most people, and it's often a sorry thing to see a good thing gone. If you are in love with your friend, don't give away sex hoping that will win them over.

If you are someone that is okay with having a Friend with Benefits, and you don't feel any of this, it's because you are the person with lesser-feelings in the relationship, so be very careful and aware that the person you're with will be none-too-pleased once you find someone "better" who will be replacing them.

A Friend with Benefits is a back-up plan, and if you enter into this agreement, you need to be prepared that that's exactly what you are. Note how the sex often will stop after one person finds an actual relationship that they are proud to out to their friends and family. It's not your magical penis or magical vagina that was so special, but the need to have you there because there was nothing else.

In the end, someone is going to be hurt unless the two involved decide that they like where this is going, and know that being together with their best friend and no one else is what they want for love.

Establishing yourself as a friend who will give it away lessens your value. If you want love and commitment, you should let them know this. They are your friend after all, aren't they? With that logic, you should be able to be honest and have the ability to talk about it.

[CurlyGirl42]

You seem to acknowledge that at least one part in the relation can get the benefits, but the other person will always want much more.. how come it is so hard to believe that two people can agree and want such a relationship together?
Thing is, that often in any relation there is one part who is more interested than the other, and this might also change over time. I know many monogamous couples that has issues because their partner does not want the same for example the same level of contact, same frequency of sex and so on. You can work this out together, or not and then you split up. Similar with a casual/sexual relation.. you talk about what you both want and find compromises that works or you stop seeing each other.
I had several casual relations (we were never truly friends before having sex, but we were sure also a type of friends during), and I was only hurt once because I stopped listening to what I really felt. That was my fault not the type of relation.

[Ozanne]

The monogamy isn't an issue... until it's not anymore. Most relationships that migrate to sexual monogamy are understood - one or the other isn't actively searching for someone else. But in a Benefits situation, many times one person is wishing the other person will commit and not make it known that their door is open to others. That uneasy feeling for someone who is wanting more is the person who isn't benefitting. (This could be the man or the woman, it doesn't matter.)

[Derekk]

I'm confused. It seems like you're trying to say that it's literally impossible for two people to sleep together for mutual benefit without a relationship. You grant that one party can do it if they report no feelings, but then you say that if the second person reports it, they're lying 100%. Surely you don't actually believe that.

[Feelicks]

I think she does. Sounds like she's got some kind of men are evil I'm a victim mindset.

[Derekk]

@Feelicks Nah. If I had to guess, she probably thinks women who sleep around are evil and misguided because of feminism. Or she just doesn't like casual sex. But women like this are almost never feminists or progressive minded.

[FTWorld]

I have to disagree. This goes for either gender and you have to admit that there is truth to this article. It might not be everyone that goes through these things, but sex is better with feeling. If you are having sex with someone I'm sure you're considerate of what the other party might be feeling. If this is a regular thing then those feelings tend to grow in people, obviously not all, but most people do. If the relationship stays that way, then one person might feel used and discarded.

Look, the friend zone sucks. It'll suck even when there is sex, maybe more.

[Derekk]

@FTWorld Of course sex is better with feeling. And a prolonged period of sexual contact will often create feelings of attachment which is why it's risky. But that wasn't the point OP was making. She said it was a lackluster backup plan that will inevitably dissatisfy somebody involved in it. That is blatantly untrue.

[Ozanne]

@Derekk To answer your original reply to me: I think it can benefit in *some* relationships, but not the majority of them. Of course two people can mutually get together and enjoy sex until something better comes along, but it's rare (and sometimes one partner is not so honest with the other) that their feelings become much more. They'll downplay it to continue the sex, hoping time will make the other person start to feel more too.

[Derekk]

I can agree with that. Certainly you're playing with fire if you start it and continue extensive contact with the same person. Most healthy people prefer an emotional relationship to a fling anyways. Casual sex is just a fun replacement when you're going through a break-up, bored, horny, etc.

[Apope16]

Very nicely written mytake.

I have been doing Friends With Benefits for years. Most of the time it has actually worked out great. One time it turned into a 2 year relationship. Other times it was temporary fun because we were lonely. A couple of times I fell in love or they fell in love and one person got hurt.

I also admit that I have had sex with women that I would consider to be "Best Friends" or "Close Friends". Everything worked out fine. We are still friends to this day. We are still on good terms. Because we knew each other so well the situation was more an understanding. We understood each other. There wasn't drama. If we want to have sex and feel pleasure we can but there are other factors about each other relationship wise where we have no interest in actually dating.

I would say that sex with a friend rather than a stranger does feel better on average. There is a familiar aspect to it. There is an emotional attachment but still even emotional attachment is not necessarily romantic.

Anyway, I agree with your mytake even though I have had Friends With Benefits and it works for me in between long term dating stages as a Bachelor. I agree because this is your own experience and friends with benefits is not something that works for or is good for everyone.

If you are out there on the dating market and feel ready for love and don't have any internalized issues you are processing... then friends with benefits is not a good idea for you. It is probably best that you just date like regular, have sex, evolve, see how it goes.

However, if you are a very introverted person who has gone through some bullshit and need to release and relax with sex without the drama that comes with relationships. If you are independent and have your own hobbies and you aren't the type of extroverted person that "needs" people to feel secure. Then I would say friends with benefits is GREAT for you. YOu have to be someone who knows yourself emotionally in a deep way. You have to be able to navigate complex feelings and internally separate physical pleasure from romantic love or friendship affection.

Like, on Thanksgiving Night of 2020 I slept and spooned with my best friend. She asked me if it was weird and I said no. We didn't have sex. I had an erection while spooning but I dont want to ever date her. We are still cool.

In another situation, there were 2 occassions where I had dry humping sex with my second best friend. We were just in our undies. nothing else on. Her bra was off. She admitted she orgasmd. She broke things off. Even had a slip up where she was horny and begged me to come late one night. But we are still on good terms and dont do it.

In a third situation, it was with a stranger and I fell deeply in love with her until she moved away. We started introductions to friends after awhile of sex.

A fourth situation was a coworker that became an ex girlfriend. We dated 2 years.

A fifth situation is a friend that dates other guy but when she is single and horny for awhile just random sends me a text out of the blue. We arrange things. THere's other examples but you get the variety.

It all depends on the People.

[ragequeen]

In my opinion, a friends with benefits solution is a lot better than the concept of hookup culture. Usually, friends with benefits will only sleep with each other until they find people they want to stay with. This minimizes the chance for disease spreading and poor pair-bonding skills. However, if you don't have feelings for the person you are in a friends with benefits situation with, it's easier to cheat because sex is easy between the two of you. For example, I could never accept my boyfriend still being close friends with an old friends with benefits.

[Syrian_survivor]

Fwbs are exclusive? Are you sure about that?

[AFellowWeeb]

yeah, and u live an utopia, u act like all humans are simply going to fuck their friends now, then stop being friends with them once they get on a relationship. we are creatures with emotions, not programmed robots, friends with benefits will never let their side-hoe/dick away just bc thet have a boyfriend/girlfriend, this is one of the many reasons relationships these days dont last, people treat sex and feelings too casually

[Lochlan]

@AFellowWeeb Well said fellow weeb.

[ohshee]

You are right in so many ways but you have to make rules in the very beginning other wise it turns in to hurt or pain I meant a girl and she was going through a bad time and needed a place to move to I told her it would be ok to stay with me for 1 or 2 months until she could get things going again , one thing leads to another we had sex and I guess that meant we became girlfriend boyfriend , and we both new it would work because we had talked about it anyway a year later I had had enough of the things she was doing it took me a long time to get her out of my house because she had no place to go , I told her I would pay here air fair she should just fly back home to her family it took a long time but she finely left she had to because the next step was I didn't care , and I was tired of not liking myself or being myself anymore ,, about 2 weeks after she had left in the matter of hrs from each other 2 of her friends had shown up at different times and one of my friends long story short they all asked me out ,, I said are you crazy lol what I just went through ,, and me being a smart ass I said but we can be friends with benefits and I couldn't believe it but all three said yes,, well on the first yes it freaked me out kinda ,, like I said I was being a smart ass , and I said ok but we have rules the very first time I hear I need you , want you love you it's over it was a deal ,, I can tell you this it was one of the best times ever because we had a bond I feel that it was better than any relationship I had ever been in because you could be your self you could say what you were really feeling and be honest about what ever it was we were talking with out repercussions it was nice it was refreshing it was real 1 girl moved away for school, and we are now just friends but we talk another found a boyfriend we are still friends and good friends no sex or anything but she said by doing it the way we did it once she found the guy who could be that same way she new the guy was for her. And the third girl we meant one night made love had sex fucked had fun but as she was leaving handed me a card inviting me to her wedding,, I said what is this and she said her boyfriend finely asked her to marry him WHAT. WAIT YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND ,, She said yes I SAID FOR HOW LONG , lol she said since before her and I,, I said no way she said yes. ,, I told her if I would have known that I would have never did what we had been doing ,, she said that's why I never told you ,, she then says I still want to meet up with you,, I SAID NOOOOO , LOL SHE GOT Married and when they have a fight she has called me I DONT EVEN SAY HELLO I SAY NOOOOOO THEN HELLO BUT THERE HAS TO BE RULES OR OTHER WISE I Couldn't do it

[loveslongnails]

First, your underlying principle seems to be "there can be no sex without attachments being formed, and that at least one of the parties actually wants that whether or not they realize it". So, I disagree with that premise for starters. There are many situations where two friends would agree to sexual play with each other but do NOT want any commitments. You maintain that one of them will develop that need, and sex will "change everything" for most people. I can tell you this - that's a woman's perspective for the most part.

You also make it sound like your friends with benefits has to be in the closet because you're not "officially" a couple with committed intentions. That's not true at all. I wouldn't have consider sleeping with a woman I wasn't proud of, even as an friends with benefits. I don't lower my standards just because I'm horny and someone is available. When I would bring a woman to dinner with the parents, I might introduce her as "my friend" or "my girlfriend", depending on our relationship. My folks didn't ask " oh, is she a REAL friend, or a friend with benefits!"

[sp33d]

I don't see sex as "validation".

"By and large this is a relationship."
Naturally. And not necessarily a romantic one.
"Even if one person is not admitting that the other is their girlfriend or boyfriend - they are"
Don't have to be. What you know as "friends with benefits" doesn't have to be romantic. You also assume that at least one side would have to "develop" feelings for the other. That's not true.

"If you are someone that is okay with having a Friend with Benefits, and you don't feel any of this, it's because you are the person with lesser-feelings in the relationship". You make it sound like a bad thing. You are not supposed to mix feelings into it in the first place.

".. you should be able to be honest and have the ability to talk about it." You are almost implying that we don't have any ability to talk about it like adults.

If you can't see yourself being a so-called f. w. b, that's completely fine. But don't think it doesn't work just because it wouldn't work for you. The people that burn are ones who can't be honest with themselves much less others.

[OfDeath]

"Benefits" in this case is just a euphemism for sex. It is to be understood as merely friends who have sex. What does "friends" mean here? Well, it really just means a mutually casual and free association. I wouldn't call it a relationship, I would call it an association. You associate a common interest with one another and in this case it is sex. You might not even like each other but agree that you can have sex on the condition that no emotional attachment will be afforded as a result of the sex. This avoids the trappings of an actual relationship. So the benefit is sex and the freedom to do it without having to associate anything else with that person.
Now, as you said, someone will likely form an emotional attached. This is a common occurrence but it is very egotistical on behalf of the person becoming emotional. Once this has happened, the agreement is no longer mutual and the benefit ceases. I do believe it is possible to sustain the mutual sense of independence from each other but it would be rare.

[zeitgeist057]

This perspective confuses the concepts of “loving” and amount of “feelings” with attachment and amount of attachment. Feeling possessive and attached to someone is not synonymous with love and feelings. True love for someone has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with accepting and appreciating the other person.

On the separate subject of friends with benefits, the idea is not about keeping feelings or love away, it is about enjoying sexual connection while emphasizing your desire for the other person (your friend) to not feel they have some other obligations to you that are often inherently unspoken contracts assumed when two people engage in sex with each other.
most issues from friends with benefits arise when one party or the other starts to wish and want their “friend” to feel the obligations they had previously explicitly “waived”.

[nella965]

I think you are only speaking from yourself as a person. On the other hand, I am very different. I've had two different fwbs and I never developed feelings for them. I'd say that there MUST be a reason that you do not want to date them before you head into the friends with benefits. As long as there is a reason why you do not want to date them, then the friends with benefits usually won't be a problem. But no, sex does not always lead to romance. If you consciously do not think they are a fit for you, then you won't develop anything.

[Vickymoore9]

Interesting interpretation of your experience, for me it was with a guy who was a total player. I knew him most my life not only good looking he had no concept on how to love. He was an amazing fuck, it was one of those thing we had we didn’t have to talk about. I would call him or he would call me asking what the other was doing. Either we was free or not and would fuck like savages very aggressive and rough. After it was like job done leave and everything was kweel we could see the other at a bar or gathering with someone else. There was never any feeling between us about it no jealousy it was perfect from 20-23 with him.

[AFellowWeeb]

i imagine how faithful are u guys now, probably for you a bj is not considered cheating

[PBandJ_Nerd]

Friend with Benefits aren't just people who are you're friends-they can be anyone. Your co-worker, acquaintance, friend of a friend, etc. can also be your friends with benefits. But yes, if a person agrees to this relationship then they should know from the beginning that it won't last forever (and that it's kept casual). I've heard that once the sex ends, then the relationship ends. Or one of them finds a partner they want a romantic relationship with so they have to end the friends with benefits.

[Don-__-Don]

The benefit is the sex.

The only problem that I see about friends with benifits is how one person in the relationship can end up catch feelings DESPITE knowing the agreement.

Nobody is usung anyone, friends with benefits is a relationship that is mutually agreed upon.

I've only had a friends with benifits once and she ended up having feelings for me, so I stopped seeing her for a while. She was cool and everything, but she broke the rule that we agreed upon.

I didn't like the entire experience anyways, so I'm probably not gonna do it again.

I have female friends that I know I won't ever go that route with, because I know how sex can change things like you say.

But yeah, eh.

[Anonymous]

I think sweetie you're confused as to what friends with benefits are. You write this as a poor-me skit cause you did the biggest no/no of friends with benefits arrangement & developed feelings.

Pretty much everyone going into it knows that it is 99.5% of the time it is just two people who mutually know & like one another having casual sex. They aren't entering into it expecting a relationship. They are getting involved because:

a) it's safer than fucking a stranger
b) as you are friends you're more at ease than fucking a stranger
c) it lacks the expectations of a serious relationship
d) it lacks the indifference & insensitivity of fucking a stranger.

It's a middle ground & many people are more than happy with it. So why don't you shut up?

[DeeToPlay]

Is there a question involved with your opinion? I have a completely opposite opinion to share here, your statement does not take a look at those people who are in a friends with benefits situation and have had more than one conversation with the other person involved on the specific things you have mentioned in the original statement. Why do you assume that only one of the people are free to meet a potential partner? How comfortable are you in your assumption that two people who are friends are not going to find a physical attraction to each other but know enough to realize that only a good sex life is going to be successful and with open eyes choose to be sexually active in their friendship. I have had a few of the so called friends with benefits Relationships and it went well for both of us. Your experience must have influenced your assumption that only one person was doing it simply to keep a bed buddy stashed for times of not having a partner.

[Anonymous]

It is my understanding that the friends with benefits arrangement by and large does not work for most people who try it. On the other hand, there are those who claim that it does work for them and the arrangement is pretty much equally agreeable with both people involved.

I know a lady who had this sort of thing going with a guy for 4 years. What really bothered me, was they were not really "friends" at all. It surprised me when she told me once, that they finally went out to dinner somewhere after being involved for 4 years. I thought at least that they went on dates but they didn't. She ended up being painfully disappointed when she realized that they really weren't even friends and he had things going in his life that he didn't share with her.

But for those who claim that it works for them, who am I to say that it doesn't work?

[Skankhunt]

The only benefit of friends with benefits is sex. Having a friends with benefits relationship had more disadvantages than advantages. Having a friends with benefits relationship is not a real relationship, it's a superficial sexual relationship, there is no love involved, only lust.

Having sex with your friend with benefits isn't validation, it isn't based on anything. Just because you have sex with someone, doesn't mean he has feelings for you. Also, you should seek validation from others.

[Screenwriter]

friends with benefits is not about friendship at all. It's about getting sex with no strings. You're no friend if you're using someone for sex. Sex should be saved for someone who's looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend, not some lazy, wishy washy person who says you're Mr or Ms Right Now.
It's awful and rarely works out to both people's advantage.

[Anonymous]

"Friends" shouldn't be in that for most of them, because for a lot there's no basic respect for the other person even (several have admitted this), never mind friendship. I do think the idea can work though with the right people. But that rarely happens. I think if there's a true friendship there and both respect each other and the communication is good, it can work, but then why not more if that's the case? I only have had 1 and there was benefits for a while, it was fantastic, but certainly ended badly. It's not something I'll do again.

[navyrobin]

That’s why “fuckbuddy” is becoming more common than friends with benefits. I don’t really mind if both parties want sex from each other. There are no strings attached. They’re just using each other for sex.


If they both consent and respect each other, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Many times neither wants a commitment at all and they just need a release once in a while. I’m ok with that.

[MecheD]

Yo I love this truthfully it is well rounded and it’s true. To be in that type of relationship requires a lot. It can be beneficial to both if they address it correctly. Meaning everything gets out in the table. The reason it never works out like that is because people get in it either expecting a relationship, or they want to control the person and still want freedom to do as they wish. If both parties were in it properly it supplies both physically and mentally.

[FTWorld]

Yeah, I feel like when a girl is your girlfriend, there's a different sort of respect. A female friend I haven't fucked is a different respect vs a female friend I did fuck. Sex does change shit. That respect that I out on girls after boning them is because they'll go crazy when they see a new girl in the house or car. Same shit happen to me. When a dude gets used he's a john

[MecheD]

Yeah I had one tbh and it went to trash simply because she couldn’t stand to see me with someone else. Prior to this I knew and have seen her with other guys but plays my role as being a friend rather than one with benefits. I valued her as my equal up until she started to put herself above me in my mind.

[OmNomaly]

Someone. Always. Gets. Attached.

"Friends with benefits" is less of a relationship based on longevity. It's a drawn out fling.
Someone gets attached and then all hell breaks loose. Someone gets scarred from it and then regrets it later. Causing lasting issues.
There's a lot of scientific studies done on this stuff. Interesting reads.