Learning That You're the Other Woman

[Ozanne]

In recent discussions, I've seen people react very harshly toward a person who is the third wheel when someone is cheating on their partner. While yes, some people do know what they're up against, starting something with someone who is taken, some people do not - and I wanted you to hear my story of what once was.

This myTake is my personal story of one time, inadvertently being the other woman.

Many years ago, I was a single, twenty-something, out of a relationship from about three years earlier, and feeling lonely. I was looking for love, and was tired of spinning my wheels in the bar scene. I had had my share of good times, casual sex, but I was starting to focus on something more grounded.

That's when he came along. He, who was single, handsome, and so different from the rest. He wasn't involved in the nightlife bar scene from what I knew. He had his own business, and in his mid-thirties, he was already in a position to semi-retire, having worked so much throughout his adult life. But one wouldn't know it to look at him. He was plainly dressed, and slightly unkempt.

We met at my workplace as he was one of my boss's clients. He was from Holland, and moved to my city a few years earlier. I spoke English and so did he. This brought us together right away. From there, I saw him frequently at my workplace. No wedding ring, no talk of a woman, no nothing. Finally he asked me out. He said he was divorced and had three children (who all were in Holland). I was fine with this. I didn't mind him having children, and if we got serious, seeing them during the holidays was fine by me.

He had said his one flaw was his overworking. He said it was the downfall of his marriage. Even up until recently he worked too much and just wanted to semi-retire and have a relaxing life. This explained why he rarely went out. It explained why he and his ex-wife had problems. But he didn't want to have that life with the ex-girlfriend as she was too wild for his liking. This was the woman he had as a rebound after his marriage. He admitted she was the polar opposite of his wife and a bad choice. Now, he was starting over and looking for something more meaningful.

I invited him to my apartment where he introduced me to some imported beer, and we played cards. He talked about his ex-girlfriend. I guess he had had many problems with her, and I was listening to how bad it was. Apparently she as quite wild, and really only interested in his money. I could sympathize as I knew being a woman who made her own money that I had also had men happily spend my money for me too. It was nice to meet someone who knew the value of an earned dollar.

After a few dates, he kissed me. I had wanted him to since I first saw him. Now it was happening -- we were officially romantically involved.

As we got to know each other, I learned so much about his work, his children, his life in Holland. I learned how much he loved to travel, as did I. We both spoke more than one language, making our future travel plans so much more easy as a couple. After about a month, I felt it. I was falling in love.

He had spent some nights at my apartment, and even took me out of town to hotels to spend weekends away. It was about one month that I felt something was amiss. He had not offered to have me at his house. When I asked him about it, he described very convincingly that his recent ex-girlfriend still stayed in the house and would be until she was moving, but until then that's why he avoided being at home.

About six weeks in to our relationship, I tried calling him on his cell, and couldn't get through, so I called him at the house. No answer there either. But he soon discovered when he checked his house phone that I made the attempt. He explained later that calling the house was not a good idea as his ex still was there, and seeing my number would be upsetting. It also could be upsetting for me if she answered as she was a wicked person and would say things just to hurt me.

I asked him if she knew about me. Emphatically, he answered yes. It's just that she wasn't pleased about it.

But the damage of me calling the house had been done. One evening, I came home from work and saw a message on my answering machine at home. It was her. She had copied and saved my phone number for one of these special occasions. In so many words, her voice was curt, very bullying, and said this: "This is Andrea, and I want to thank you for just jumping into our lives where you don't belong. Why are you causing so much trouble? Are you that arrogant that you think you can just come along and take Jans away from me? He doesn't even know why you are so persistent. Just fuck off, this is from both of us."

I kept the message for Jans to hear later on if he dared showing up at my apartment. He did. It was over. He said he wanted to go back to her and try saving their relationship. I said, "Let me guess.. it never really was over, was it?"

I was lied to. I was mortified that I was being so used. A man I never suspected it from, lied to both me and Andrea and basically used me as a tool to feed his needs while having problems with her.

This was someone who did not fit the bad-boy stereotype, and I was not a woman who was a hussy, but had unknowingly become one. I would have never got involved with another woman's man, and it sickened me to think I was responsible for being a part of someone's cheating. I felt stupid for knowing that somewhere in our meeting, he had such little value of me, thinking I could just be easily snowed and not have to worry about the consequences because I was the disposable person. I had no idea I gave off that vibe to any man.

I wanted to write this so that if presented with a story of someone's cheating, be open to the possibility that the person on the other end of the false relationship is usually in the dark just as much as the person being cheated on. I never meant to hurt anyone, and if anything it made me realize how important it is to not get so swept off my feet, and to really learn about the person I want to get serious about.

Thanks for reading.

[Bananaman177]

I just honestly believe that if you were smart, you wouldn't get tricked.

Women all chase the same tiny, tiny, tiny minority of men, if you are attracted to a man, it logically follows that there are hundreds of other women throwing their pussy at him 24/7 because all women throw their pussies at the same guys.

The mere fact that you find a man attractive at all should inform you that so does every other female who sees or encounters him in real life or on social media.

If that doesn't give you cause to be extra scrupulous in investigating him before you commit to a relationship, I really don't know what to say. You just can't be very smart. You can't think things out very well before you act. And that's a very common female trait. Women don't look before they leap, they leap first and then spend the rest of their lives crying about how life is unfair because nobody caught them, and no girl should ever have to know the shame and trauma of hitting the ground when she jumps off a cliff for no reason in the middle of nowhere.

Women just LOOOOOVE to play stupid games, and then when they win stupid prizes, they're shocked and appalled and look for a way to blame men for her dreams and fantasies being divorced from reality.

[KrakenAttackin]

@bananaman177 Spot fucking on!

[Boredandtired]

Ahh okay so it’s our faults guys cheat because obviously if we didn’t know that makes it okay or did you just post this because you cheated on so many women and then they left you and now you’re having regrets because your such an immature cunt and I’m not saying girls are perfect but neither are guys and tbh guys like you are completely fucking useless we can procreate without dicks like you so congratulations✨✨ you’ve now titled yourself as a sexist cunt that’s probably mad he can’t get any pusy

[Bananaman177]

@Boredandtired No, no, no, no. You misunderstood completely as usual. It's not your fault that guys cheat.

It's your fault that YOU got cheated on by a fucking cheater, because YOU are the one who threw your pussy at a fucking whoredog. Probably because he was tall or had muscles. That's all it takes for a woman to completely drop her guard and fall head-over-heels in love with a fucking degenerate piece of shit that everybody else in the whole world can TELL is no good.

It's just like the Garden of Eden, women are SUCKERS for a talking snake. Every fucking goddamned time and they NEVER LEARN. They have NO IDEA how easy it is for a scummy douchebag to do a lot of sit-ups and push-ups for a couple years. That's all it takes for a woman to drop all her defenses and good sense.

Nothing is more overrated in this world than "woman's intuition." You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes, and then you stamp your foot and DEMAND that everybody treat you like you're really smart. It's pitiful.

[Ozanne]

Bear in mind please, that we didn't stay together long. It was a matter of weeks. ;) That's about the same amount of time for a lot of relationships at the beginning when you're figuring things out more deeper than you did in the first weekend together.

[Bananaman177]

The point isn't how soon a bad relationship ends, it's how quickly it began in the first place.

The time to find out somebody is trash is BEFORE you trust them with your heart and pussy, not afterwards.

If you didn't rush headfirst into bad relationships, you wouldn't have to end the relationship in just a few weeks. You would have ended it before it began, and that's what a smart girl would have done. It's what YOU would have done if you were smart.

So try to be smarter next time.

[Keyboardkat]

As a guy, I STRONGLY object to the arrogant, nasty, obviously anti-women screed! First, let's elevate the level of discourse here. If a woman feels attracted to a man, and as far as she knows he's single and on-the-level, and she shows some interest in him, I would HARDLY call that "throwing her pussy at him." That's kind of gross and disgusting sounding, and I think it shows what you think of women! Let's be CLEAR about who the perpetrator is here! The guy is the one who was 100% in the wrong here, so let's drop the stupid, nasty, gross double-standard and try to blame the girl for being deceived. It's like in certain cultures where a girl gets blamed for being raped, and her family kills her for "bringing dishonor" on the family. I bet you agree with that, too! Absolutely OUTRAGEOUS!

[Bananaman177]

@Keyboardkat I only read the first sentence, the rest was obviously drivel.

[Silver158]

@bananaman177 So how do you explain when this sort of thing happens to guys? I myself have started dating a girl only to learn from someone else that she had a long term boyfriend. I've known guys that have slept with girls then after the fact the girl reveals that she's in a relationship. Hell, I've had girls flat out tell me they were taken but were going to break up with the guy and either told me they had (they hadn't) after sex or acted in such a way as to make it seem like they had (asking when we're going out or whatever) and again they hadn't. It goes both ways man the fact is, people lie and withhold information to get what they want... It's shit, and saying she should have investigated the guy beforehand is silly. What did you expect her to have done? Put a PI on him? Followed him in her car? Showed up at his house unnanounced? You can't blame her for being duped. it happens.

[Bananaman177]

@Silver158 Exact same way, what are you talking about? You must have been dumb, fool.

[Silver158]

@bananaman177 Well no, like I said, it's easy to get duped. I'm assuming you've had something similar happen to you? Or maybe your wife cheated on you? Which would explain your bitterness towards women. Either that or you've never seen a vagina IRL and at 33 that well... kinda embarrassing.

[Bananaman177]

@Silver158 Who are the easiest people to dupe?

Stupid people. Right?

This isn't controversial, you just think it is.

[Silver158]

@bananaman177 Nah I just think you're bitter af

[Bananaman177]

@Silver158 I made a statement against stupid people and YOU assumed I was only talking about women, so. . . I think YOU'RE bitter af because I called you stupid too.

[Silver158]

@bananaman177 Nah it was only aimed at the woman, you're just trying to defend yourself by chopping and changing your bullshit. And I do think you're bitter. I think the same kinda stuff has happened to you and instead of dealing with it like a rational human being you're just lashing out like a stroppy child.

[Bananaman177]

@Silver158 It was really clearly aimed at either gender, despite the fact that I also addressed the OP in the same answer.

See, this is another example of you being stupid.

[Silver158]

@bananaman177 Yet in your initial reply which you addressed OP you clearly went on to mention how high-value men have options blah blah blah. Quite clearly aimed at women. Bitter af mate.

[Bananaman177]

@Silver158 Well, yeah part of my answer was directed specifically at OP, but the part about how stupid people are easily deceived clearly applies to both genders.

Look, we can all see that you're butthurt because you came to me expecting sympathy and I called you dumb instead. Just learn your lesson and fuck off, mate. I'm already bored of this argument, I don't find you to be intellectually stimulating. Go bother somebody else.

[Silver158]

@bananaman177 No your comment was directed at women including OP. And you're bored of this argument because you know I'm right.

[Ozanne]

I'm just re-reading this three years later, and want it to be known that I did NOT select this as MHO. I never would reward someone for making comments to me such as "throwing my pussy" at someone. There is hostility toward me throughout their response, and I know for a fact I wouldn't have given MHO for such vitriol. If the system decided it, then so be it. But this was NOT done by me.

[zeitgeist057]

You were not 'a hussy", inadvertent or otherwise. You were just lied to. You couldn't have known, at least not without being a very suspicious person. I'm sorry that happened to you, that's terrible behavior.

The other part I hate is when the person who was cheated on blames the "other" for it instead of their partner. The "other" isn't going around looking for partners to steal (at least not the majority of the time, imho), they are just like you, an honest single person looking for, or maybe not even looking for, a connection with another human being. When it happens, who is second guessing and trying to figure out if they are being lied to? Hardly anyone, and if they are, I feel sorry for them to have that negative attitude even if it is possibly realistic. But again, to blame the "other" is a blind action. You should be blaming your partner for the betrayal, not a stranger who was not supposed to have any loyalty to you or even knew about you.

Again, I'm sorry this was something you had to go through.

[Ozanne]

The person working their magic is the person cheating. If they were so convincing to me that they were single and had an excuse for everything - imagine the lies they tell their partner. I already knew he was painting me as a troublesome, meddlesome person trying to wedge my way into their relationship (she had indicated it on my message). He very likely told her beautiful lies to make her think he was victimized by me, and she bought it.

To my knowledge, they had spent only a short time together after that. I don't know who left who. He eventually left town.

I just thank goodness it never affected my job.

[zeitgeist057]

He probably told her you were some woman obsessed with him and he kept trying to get rid of you but you wouldn't stop messaging and calling.

[Alyssa11]

I'm sorry you had to go through that... finding out that there's another women whether you're the wife or the 'other woman' is equally heartbreaking (if not more).

After dealing with a disloyal man myself, 'til this day I really don't understand why situations like this have to happen to someone like us - especially when we weren't actively looking to get ourselves in any drama. There are so many people out there in the world, with unfortunately many, refusing to take responsibility for their actions or become accountable. It just so happens that we cross paths with them... I don't really know why.

[Arabella_Rose]

why did you hide your age when you dated this guy?
there's a very high chance he was too old for you. A man in his mid 30s is typically too old for anyone under the age of 28.

Guys in their mid to late 30s tend to be engaged or married. As people get older, the higher the likelihood that they will be married or have kids. So if you're a single young lady, its really best to stick to those closer to your own age. You want someone you can age gradually and steadily with.

[Ozanne]

I didn't hide my age. I'm not sure why you think I did to him. If you want specifics: I was 27 and he was 37. That age difference didn't bother me, and I don't think it matters. I was very aware that he was married *and divorced* by that time. All I had known is that he had divorced about five years earlier.

As for my personal preference in men's ages, when I was your age I was dating men in their twenties and felt they did nothing for me. The majority of them weren't serious about where they were going in life as they were using their twenties as an extension of their teens. Still partying, still unsure of where to go in life, afraid to commit and/or marry. But I found men in their thirties a bit more done with this rite of passage that they go through in that decade.

Anyway, no, I did not lie to him about my age. He knew very well how old I was. :)

[Ozanne]

I forgot to mention, his having children already was a bonus for me -- I mention this in my article. I did not want children (and today at age 46 I have never been pregnant by choice, and my husband and I live as a childfree couple), so for him to have had the experience of kids already was good for me. It meant he didn't have to worry about me wanting children from him, and I didn't have to worry about someone expecting kids from me either. The children he had were also in another country, and not exactly going to be in our lives full time -- had we lasted. So the entire arrangement seemed like a good one if only he had been honest. Well, you know what they say, if it's too good to be true it probably is. And that was so. :(

[Arabella_Rose]

here's why i say large age differences matter.

You may both get along when you're 25 and he's 38. You both are still young and can still catch up with each other. But things may not be the same by the time you are 38 and he's 51. Soon you are realizing he can't keep up with your pace during walks, you might find yourself slowing down for him, telling him to watch his step. He may be on his sexual decline while you are entering your sexual prime where your sex drive has never been better. In your 40s, You may want to visit 3 countries while he wants nothing more than just a quiet cruise for retirees.

By the time you're 60, all the other couples around your age may be going on retirement vacation.
On the other hand, you will be stuck in a nursing home, changing your elderly 75 yr old husband's diapers. And don't forget that you're also likely to be spending the remaining 20-30 years of your life dying alone , after your elderly husband has passed.

Passion is passion. But we also need to consider long term compatibility. You want someone to age gradually and steadily with.

Most 37 yr olds usually are married, engaged or have baggage of some sort. Its not a surprise to me to see something like that happen. Its really best to stick to guys closer to your age.

[Ozanne]

Oh my god, I can't believe I read all of that. LOL! Okay, Thanks for your input. I had to remind myself that you're only 24. ;)

[Ozanne]

This is probably one of the most ignorant responses I've ever read here. But I do have to remember that you're only 24. Thanks for your input though. **eyeroll**

[Arabella_Rose]

Well you couldn’t prove why I’m wrong. You just personally didn’t like my response to you. My own parents who had been married for the past 35 years do not recommend anything more than 5-8 years apart for marriage. Research and studies have also found that marriages with large age gaps tend to result in much higher rates of divorce. So no, im not wrong at all. You’re the ignorant one

[dantheman1118]

Oh shit. I thought you were gonna have a punch line at the end of this comment. When it never came I realized you were not joking. That's crazy. You really think like that? Like, for real? Who are your sources for these "facts" you laid out here. I feel like you may need to change where you get your info from because I can tell you that I don't think anything you wrote was correct from personal experience. Like the OP wrote, your age definitely needs to be considered so I won't keep going with this but I would maybe cross check your info before posting. Just an idea.

[nelly83]

@dantheman1118 Would you marry a 60 yr old woman?

[dantheman1118]

I'm not saying this to prove this point but to be 100% honest with you, I would not marry even 21-75 years old. Life is short. Do what you want, when you want. Marriage I guess still works for some people, not very many but some and I'm beyond happy for them if it works. But I believe the stat now is 3 out 4 marriages end in divorce. I'm a numbers guy and those numbers don't make sense to me. It just sounds like a wasted 10-15 years to me

[nelly83]

@dantheman1118 46% of marriages end up divorce

[dantheman1118]

@nelly83 you are absolutely correct on that. I put "I believe" at the beginning of the sentence because I was drawing a blank and getting numbers a little jumbled. I do apologise for my error and you are absolutely correct. I'm a little more awake now. But what's crazy about those numbers is how those numbers go through the roof on second and third marriages. I am more awake right now but I'm still gonna use that same beginning to this sentence, I believe of that 46% of those divorced folks we were just speaking of, 80% of those people will remarry and out of that 80% of people 67% will divorce and if you're crazy enough to go for it a third time that number goes up to 73%. The odds just not stacked in favor of married couples. It works for some people but not me. Especially not a 60yr old. Thats like buying a gerbil as a pet. It's gonna seem in good health when you go to work but when you get home your gonna find it dead behind the couch.

[spartan55]

Sorry that happened to you. What a snake.
The difference between your story and the many others I see on here jumped out at me. When you found out you ended it, you weren't going to stay because you were invested. I think the ones who face the wrath on here are the ones that DO know the guy is in a relationship /marriage and proceed anyway, OR find out and stay thinking he will leave to be with them.

[Ozanne]

Well, I know a lot of [women] who did the same thing after finding out their new boyfriend was actually someone's husband or long-term/live-in. (Mainly women because they mostly confided in me. I had one male friend who did the same.) I don't tend to make friends with those who cause trouble.

It's very hard though! In my situation - we would have otherwise been perfect together if it was a legitimate thing. We had the same interests, backgrounds, financial independence, languages, we just fit when it came to almost everything! Plus, I did not want children, and since he already had them, he knew I wasn't going to try and get kids out of him. He was fun to be with, intelligent, and just didn't seem like the type to be so dishonest and cheating.

When a [guy] comes along and promises the "other woman" that he'll give her the sun and moon and makes her feel like the most special woman in the world - I can absolutely see why some women would get caught up in the feelings and keep on loving him despite the bad news that he isn't theirs. It's overwhelming.

I feel like these taken-guys have all the confidence in the world - which is what women love - because they understand if it doesn't work out, they have the woman at home to go back to. So the other woman has this pull toward him that he'll leave her. But he doesn't usually leave her when he's got himself wrapped up in a house and responsibilities with her. The other woman is just a hobby, and if she happens to be compatible, fun, and beautiful to him - he likes it all the more. As long as she doesn't know the truth, and if she ends up knowing the truth, is she willing to keep her mouth shut.

So yes, I could not live that lie. I did miss what we had, but really - I suppose it was all based on a lie anyway. What a snake is right!

[Twalli]

The issue we have with those that are the third wheel, are when they know it. You ended it when you found out. That's fine. My sister was on a date and as soon as she found out the guy was married and not separated or about to leave his wife she left. Being the third wheel is only a problem if you knowingly are.

[Ozanne]

I know this, and so did he. But somewhere out there is a woman who believed I knew all along because that's what he told her to save himself. Not that I'll ever see her again, but I'll be a memory that is based on a lie he told her. This is why the third wheels often get looked upon so badly. We're already a lie to begin with, and we're never redeemed because the person doesn't want to think their partner was to blame. They just want to blame to horrible person who intruded on the relationship, which is often times NOT the case at all.

[__inkRat]

@Ozanne that because its way easyer to blame someone else and pretend that your husband/wife just slipped, not that they wanted it.

[Ozanne]

Yep, exactly @__inkRat. Nothing I could do about it.

Just a separate story - I once had an old guy friend from years ago find me on Facebook, and began chatting and flirting with me. He was from South Africa, and there was no way we'd ever end up together. He was just too far, and it seemed risky him moving to me or me to him just to see what might happen.

So I stopped talking to him, and a few months later, he started up with me again, trying to get my attention. By then his relationship status was now "In a relationship". So I said, "What are you doing? If you're in a relationship, why hit on me?" He said - and this is the hilarious part - "You'll have to forget about me, I'm getting married. Try to move on with your life." I was thinking, "Oh shut up, you're the one finding me and starting things, and I'm just minding my business." So I ended our friendship.

DAYS LATER, his fiancee publicly puts up on her Facebook that I had tried to get between them. She was a church girl, and so her entire church friends on her Facebook basically demonized me, saying that I had the devil in my heart and that I needed to find God, and how awful I was. It was very frustrating not being able to tell my side of the story -- but would it matter? When someone is in love with a person like that, of course they'll want to vilify the other person so they can justify their reasoning to stay with their cheating partner. (Or, partner with cheating tendencies.)

I've learned to let that one go and just reason that they deserve each other. :)

[__inkRat]

@Ozanne dunno, if someone would do the same for me, I would make point in doing exacly that of what Im accused of. I do tend to be an huge ass if right buttons are pressed.

[Ozanne]

@__inkRat Ugh.. yeah, but I couldn't be bothered actually. I don't want to give someone the satisfaction that I spent any more time doing anything for them or to them. So not worth it.

[EssenceOfLight]

Would you start a relationship with him if he told you the truth from the beginning?
I've been the third wheel few times and I never experienced dishonesty from those girls, despite their other relationships were for me irrelevant. I would never consider something deeper than occasional rendezvous with a cheater.

[Ozanne]

No, I never would have. I have been tested in those situations where I knew that a guy was taken, and turned him down, even if there was attraction. I don't play those games.

[guesswhoseback]

Here is the huge red flag you overlooked:

“He talked about his ex-girlfriend. I guess he had had many problems with her, and I was listening to how bad it was.”

An experienced man is his mid 30s won’t talk ever about his ex unless he has to. If he does talk about her in details it’s a very bad sign. It means he doesn’t take you seriously. It doesn’t matter if he’s a genuine nice guy or a sociopathic bad boy.

I personally take it as a dealbreaker if a girl volunteers info about her ex and complains about. Especially if she does it in the first 3 dates. The subject is not completely unavoidable but if someone truly likes you they will keep in minimal.

[worldscolide]

An entire mytake dedicated to justifying cheating. When the first and only thing you should have done when you found out that you were the third wheel is break it off. That is the issue most have with it, not that it happens, the fact that you continue when you find out makes you just as bad as him, if not worse, because it doesn't damage your conscience to continue to participate. Make no mistake here. I see cheaters and those that choose to participate knowingly in the cheating, as the same, unworthy of respect.

[worldscolide]

Similar happened to me. I found out that i was the "Third wheel" so to speak, I broke it off immediately, and proceeded to contact her fiance and tell him what was happening. I will not participate in that kind of thing, it goes against my moral fiber. She was pissed off at me for doing what i did, and my only response to her was " You should not have been a whore. Grow up and understand loyalty is valued among men"

[Aakash_Hangargi]

The logic is no mater if they consciously choose or not third person is well third person you hardly know them so obviously they can forgive their partner than the third person bc if the tumor is on any part they try to remove the tumor first before coming to the conclusion to amputate the part of them so in similar ways the understanding of a third person

[Aakash_Hangargi]

I read your story and it's one of those times that you couldn't decide whose the bad guy in everyone elses perspective someone is bad or just look like the way but in your story similarly nobody is bad the situation and circumstances are so that every one had to made a choice but yes one person will become always become scapegoat in the act.

But if you look on the positive side if you can instead of blaming yourself feel proud that because of your kindness a family is together ofcourse it hurts but you are the person who is brave and courageous enough to make that sacrifice.
In a way i am proud of your kindness that you let it go anyways you couldn't bind him anyways but handling maturely not many people can do that only strong Willed persons could.

Life is always mystery somethings happen just for no apparent reason take care hope you find what you seek for in the next person God Bless

[MecheD]

Very brave of you to share, you’re not a hussy but simply a love casualty and I’m sorry about that. I’m proud of you and I just wish she would’ve come to you respectfully simply because she doesn’t know. Keep your head up he is out there just as you are looking for something worth while.

[Ozanne]

I can't blame her because behind a closed door - he was telling *her* stories. He was very likely making up reasons for not being at home due to his work, and she was there believing everything he said too.

So when he found out I called the house, I'm almost sure he had to make up a reason who I was, and in order to save himself, he told her I was coming on to him, making me out to be the villain, and threw me under the bus. It's why she called me and came on so strong and told me off. Her choice of words like 'why am I so arrogant to think I can take him away' and to say both of them want me gone, told me that he talked to her about me and agreed with her "I wish she'd go away".

I can only imagine the things he told her. Yet there he was, always calling me and always at my door. So though he lied to me about her being at home, he lied to her too, making her believe he was on the up-and-up, and it was me, wrecking homes. He basically took two innocent people and turned us against each other while he had all the pleasure between us.

If I had a chance to talk to her today, I wonder if she'd believe me. I had hoped she moved on because he wasn't being fair to her either, and some times I wonder about the ex-wife in Holland too, wondering if the real reason they split up is because of his dishonesty. He made a mess, that's for sure.

[MecheD]

I feel you but I never make judgement for someone else until they tell me.

[ArrowheadSW]

What sounded inconsistent to me in the early part of the story, is that he is very devoted to his work, but yet was thinking of semi-retiring in his 30's. Most people who work that hard don't talk about semi-retiring that young. Plus he had an ex-wife and kids in another country who I would imagine siphon off a lot of his money.

[Ozanne]

I had asked about that, but there wasn't a way to exactly prove it. He was a self-made business man, working in technology that had something to do with aviation. He was amazing with computers. He had moved from Holland and there was no way I could be in contact or know about a wife in Holland. I knew they existed though, as he had shown me photos. About their arrangement - again, I don't know. It wasn't for me to get involved in so early into getting to know him, and that just seemed very personal to ask about. I knew he was Dutch because of course he had the accent. Since so much was a lie about his situation with the ex-girlfriend, who knows what else he was lying about. He continued to work into his mid thirties out of love for the work. He had told me his house was paid for, which is why I think he called it "semi-retirement". It's not like within a few weeks I was going to ask for proof of his finances. It just wasn't my business to know about it. Perhaps if we began to get serious, then maybe. But at that point, no. He was just talking and I was just listening to whatever information he chose to give me.

[ArrowheadSW]

Oh I get it... I understand that you can't know everything at once. Hummm I am wondering if he was even divorced from his wife in Holland? Maybe not! LOL... The live in girlfriend might not even know! Just a thought.

[Ozanne]

I'm not sure. Apparently he was with the ex/girlfriend for about five years - that's as long as he was now in my country. So I'm thinking he met her as soon as he moved, but who knows what the truth was about anything anymore.

[kkirk4442]

In a society like we have today, it's easier for a woman to me taken in by a guy, as relationships are formed quickly, and they often turn to sex in short order. That this happened to you could have happened to any number of women. The good thing is that it didn't last long. I'm sure that you sharing what happened to you, will help at least one woman see the light sooner, and more readily recognize that she is being taken in, and her avoiding what you went through.

[rjroy3]

Sucks this happened. But this is not the norm. Far more common the other woman is aware or doesn't care. I've seen far far far more women who knew a guy was taken and went along with it anyways, with the proper motivation.

Varied from girl to girl but nonetheless happened. I've known girls who made pacts with themselves they'd never sleep with a married man then that same night sleep with a married man.

Totally get some outliers exist, but that's simply not the norm.

[JakeS00]

I like this. Because it gives an idea that this shouldn’t be like this. Sorry this happened to you.

[Ozanne]

I dreamed for months after that maybe I was in the wrong and I should give him another chance. We had a beautiful time for almost two months. I didn't include this part, that after a month or so, he contacted me to say that he made a mistake, he was definitely leaving her, and wanted to go back and work on things with me again.

But by that time I was thinking of the sex. Since me, and likely DURING our time together, I knew his penis was up her cervix - who knows how often. And then after me, as much as he wanted without feeling bad about doing me wrong.

So this new-found honesty and begging for forgiveness was just too much. I am normally a forgiving person and I do believe in second chances, but he had already been given second chances by the girlfriend, and I was just one person who mattered so little to him when it came to respect. He owed me nothing, and that's why I refused. I couldn't stand the thought of what I could have been up against if he was that easily swayed between things that interested him.

[JakeS00]

I think what you did was right. He didn’t deserve you that’s for sure because a good guy wouldn’t ever do what he did.

[Unit1]

That is quite unfortunate indeed. There is no surefire way of telling it'll end like this and this happens to both men and women. Although the part with "living with an ex" should have been alarming to say the least - reinforced by him having 3 kids. Still, love is blind and leads you to the usually unpleasant unpredictable. Trust goes only so far.

That guy? Yeah, he's a pig, who thinks women are just meat (with price tags) and full of pheromones.

[krin_m]

Sorry to hear that. As someone who is an openly poly person (hence the relationship status complicated), I am fortunate to avoid deception.

[Ozanne]

All is well now. Back when this happened, I was a severe mess. I missed him and the possible things we could have accomplished together - but I wasn't worth being honest with. That's the sad part. I just wasn't worth the most important thing two people have between each other.

I soon learned from someone who knew him that confirmed it for me, that he never did leave the girl who lived with him and all that talk about her being there until she moved was a sneaky lie and a great way to make me think differently.

Years later when Facebook came out, he found me. By then he was living with someone new and they had two children together. He said he always regretted what happened with us, and that he wondered if we could have another shot some day.

He was saying all of this, from the home he shared with a new woman who bore him two more kids. Of course I turned him down, and we never spoke again.

[krin_m]

@Ozanne. Glad to hear that things are OK now. I'm very sure you will meet someone who is worthy of your affection and love! I wish you all the luck!

[Ozanne]

Oh yes, I've been married now for several years. :) Thank you for your kind words!

It was just that this experience was one I'll never forget, and it adds to the many that we have in life as we age. It's the reason why I never stepped lightly around things after that, and insisted on knowing who I was getting involved with to spare this from happening again.

[Anonymous]

Sorry not sorry I hate to sound cruel but in most cases women make a big to-do about about looks and things of that nature a woman would not date a nobody so technically you're always competing especially if the guy is over 7 not making this about men but I don't get how women have such rigid standards and think that they're the only one. Then when they end up getting stack like Pringles they get mad 1 again no negativity but just being honest. You do realize you're the only one between the two Sexes who judges someone by their height right you don't think there's a cost for that. Of course if I'm over 6 foot I'm allowed to cheat

[aialex]

I don't understand why there's so much hate on "the other woman", when it takes two to tango.

Most of the cases, you don't even put the gun to his head, tho I suspect you should when you found out about his lying ass

[Nazgol]

What a piece of trash that guy was. I'm so sorry for what you went through, it wasn't fair to you!

[Nazgol]

I dont understand how people like that exist. It's so sad and awful

[Sarahr123]

Oh God well that’s sad for you. It’s not your fault though and you will heal with time. Give it some time and just focus on you.

[Surely]

It is really a shame that you can not take people on their word anymore.
You got caught in his web of lies
Better luck next time

[Gwenhwyfar]

I had a very similar situation

[ArrowheadSW]

Oh yeah. I remember you posting about that.

[Gwenhwyfar]

@ArrowheadSW yeah

[Eleni079]

I’ve been their except her husband knew when I found out I dump her.