Couples Need to Reward Each Other for GOOD BEHAVIOR Rather than Punish for Bad Behavior

[Apope16]

The biggest lesson I learned in my most recent relationship was focusing more on positives than negatives. In the end we lost sight of that. I hope to build that with someone new.

Specify to your partner WHY you are grateful

After awhile, "I love you" runs it's course. It is not something that promotes growth or change. Imparting KNOWLEDGE creates growth and change with your partner. With my most recent ex, whenever she would make dinner we would sit down and hold hands before we ate. We would look each other in the eye and tell each other what we were grateful for. She was religious, I was not. But each time it gave feelings of warmth to express that we were grateful to be together in that moment.

How a Female Can Reward Her Partner

Sex is a powerful aspect of a woman. Too often women are taught to use sex as blackmail or as a tactic to withhold in order to manipulate. I find that sex can be used as celebration. As a way of expressing love rather than punishment. Ladies, why on earth do you nag your husband to do shit? There's no need for that. "Baby, it really means a lot that you cleaned the house. Let me suck your massive cock." or "Congrats on the new job baby! Let me cook dinner tonight." or "Baby, it's Tuesday. I love you. Let's go play basketball at the park."

Imagine the look on your man's face when you express something positive about him and follow it up with a memory or a shared experience. It is something that I failed to do. Life and a Pandemic got in the way.

How a Man Can Reward His Partner

"Hey baby, the morning sex was amazing! Let me take you out tonight on me." Or "Baby, you do so much for me. Dinner was so nice. Let me change the baby's diaper tonight. You sleep easy. Okay?"

[Angelia13Leone]

I can see many "Pavlovian Experiments" coming from this... screw it im in!! Lol

[Apope16]

Haha! You are witty 🤣

[1stranger]

Yeah, you are right.

[OlderAndWiser]

Some users ask "how can I tell my boyfriend that he is lousy in bed?" or "how do I tell my girlfriend that she stinks?" Really!
How to tell your girlfriend that she stinks a bit?
I always respond that you should never need to criticize your partner for bad behavior. It is easier and more productive to say, "That feels good but it would feel even better of you touched me here" or "faster would be even better" or whatever you want. If she stinks, telling her that she stinks will be the end of your relationship. Just ask her to take a shower with you, then comment on how nice and fresh she smells after her shower.

[Spade07]

I like your take - but I don't agree with it.

I like the gratitude thing. I think you can take it further though. I think you can take time everyday and write a list of 5 things you're grateful for that relate to your partner. And u sit down and you feel gratitude. You actually feel it not just say it. And then you take a few of those and feel it throughout the day as well but about all aspect of your life. It keeps you never forgetting but also in a good mood. Gratitude is something that must be worked on. You cannot just say I'm grateful. The power comes from working on it. And it can be used as a motivator. The aim is to voluntarily create the emotion of gratitude. But anyway this isn't what I wish to write about.

You are trying to create a system that basically creates self-discipline or just discipline. You are trying to do it with rewards + no punishments but instead lows. But... in order to do that you'd need to control the rewards and lows. Because you need contrast. Which means you are not free in this system. Love is free. Love is spontaneous! What if she wants to suck you dick everyday? Or what if her guy has been great but she just doesn't feel like sucking dick this week because her job his stressing her out etc etc. You're system isn't fluid enough. It's too robotic. Training a dog is easier because the training doesn't last 24/7. In this system the training last 24/7. Contrast is needed for rewards to be rewards so you cannot reward them 24/7 and vice versa. Which means you have to intentionally let lows be lows even if you don't want too. Now Imma get on to the final thing I wanna say. by the way basically im saying i think your system is too intellectual instead of emotional and at any rate you cannot have consistency with this. The amount of discipline you'd need would turn this into something that is not love. I doubt you live and die by this system. But i imagine it is helping you though.

The Sex and Love emotion is the greatest motivator. It will compel you to do just about anything. Andrew Carnegie the richest man of his time talked about the sex emotion being the strongest and Love the 2nd strongest. If you are feeling these emotions for someone then you will naturally be compelled to do nice things for them. Simp culture is basically this. They worship girls because they create these emotions in them. It in one words creates: Enthusiasm. Anyway so I've pointed out to you that the love and sex emotion is all you need and the rest of the rewards will naturally occur because these emotions are the driving force that create action. Enthusiasm creates energy. Now i could go deeper. But I don't wanna make this too hard. But I will link you to something that will give you the deeper side.

The last things I wanna say is knowing the person you wanna be should help just as much as the emotions. Enthusiasm CAN be expressed. But we have to have an aim yes? If you know exactly the husband/boyfriend you wanna be and you've really sat down and thought about it and logically figured out what it is then now at that point you can go about becoming that person. How do we do this? Through habit. You may not be it now but through habit you can become it. Fake it till you make it right? And you don't do this because of the girl. You do this because it is truly the person you wanna be. The husband you wanna be. You don't do it for her. You become who YOU wish to be. And if she doesn't fit in with that version of you then you have the wrong girl. I've made it sound simple but it reqs self-discipline. Sometimes you are gonna have to be that version of yourself even when you don't want too because you know if you stay at it consistently it will turn into habit but like I said there is a deeper point I am leaving out. Not even a point really it is the how to I guess. I'll link you too something that will help you understand what self discipline truly is.

There are so many things that make a relationship work or not work. Like being on your partners side even when you know they are over reacting. Taking responsible for things instead of fighting and blaming. There is a lot of wisdom and you may find this wisdom from leaders of companies, military, wealthy successful men and women or finding it from your own journey just by asking yourself questions and answering them out loud. Above everything you cannot master love without mastering your emotions. Lucky you don't have to do that in order to have a marriage last a long time otherwise the break up rate would be even more high.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/WgIRbzTx4R4

[Xoxocutekitty]

This works really well in the beginningg of a relationship although problems still arise when people settle back into their normal habits of 'forgetting' about chores.

A lot of young men got this 'positive feedback from their mothers to do any chore and this still carries on to relationships. Men don't need to be rewarded for doing the dishes or vacuuming or being a functional roommate, yet they often feel entitled to sex once they've done it or view being helpful as an end goal (to a very single minded one-sided experience). Of course I always tell my partner I appreciate their help when offered, and the extra time that we have TOGETHER at the end of the day, becomes our celebration.

Anyways, back to a less gendered topic, my boyfriend and I do reward each other for giving 'correct and not 'incorrect' answers. Sometimes dumb scenarios come up, Things like when you notice a little porn left on his screen, and he says "oops, but don't worry babe, they aren't anything compared to you." CORRECT RESPONSE. Hug. Crisis averted.

Or sometimes my boyfriend noticed me looking at a niiice ($$) purse in the store, and he'll ask, 'you'd still love me if I was poor' which I swear is the equivalent of the 'do I look fat in this?' So the correct response is to not overthink it, and say, 'of course honey, I will love you if you are poor, and I will be the breadwinner.'

Sometimes I will get too excited looking at hot movie stars and my boyfriend will ask if I'd pick the movie star and I say yes (incorrect response) and he frowns and then sits on the other couch. Lol. It's not a real punishment, but the intent was clear. Say I'll Pick him over movie star..

[Anonymous]

I don't think you properly understand male-female dynamics or attraction.

Sex as celebration, lack of sex as punishment has to do with:
- trans-actional vs validational sex
- alpha vs beta behaviour

Trans-actional sex is sex in exchange for something, meaning that more than likely there's a mis-match in sexual desire.

Validational sex is sex for the pleasure of sex, meaning that there's mutual desire.

Without getting hung up on the terminology and instead seeing alpha and beta as place-holder terms, alpha is sexually arousing behaviour, beta is not.

Alpha behaviour = validational sex. The woman strongly desires sex with him.
Beta behaviour = trans-actional sex. The woman has feelings for the guy and likes having sex with him sometimes, but the arousal isn't as strong.

A woman will not use sex as a tool of control against a guy she's really attracted to because she wants it as much as he does. Women will only use sex as a tool of control against a guy she doesn't desire as much as he does her.

What you're encouraging is trans-actional sex for beta behaviour.

Being good to a woman, helping her out, being good to each other etc. is good of course. You should do those things. When you make that about sex however you fuck up the dynamic.

[Kas19]

MHO^

[Alexislm15]

I dont necessarily think thats the way to go but simply cherish your partner and if they do something that you dont appreciate or like then voice it. Making it as reward or punishment is more so of a mentor and student relationship and that can become toxic. Some couples can function like that but at the same time, its not a strong foundation for trust and it'll crumble. I was irrationally terrified of my ex because all I could think of is him punishing me for scratching the table. It is not healthy nor a real romantic partnership. My ex and I had a mentor and student relationship where he awarded me with words and cute behavior and punished me with aggressive behavior. It is very toxic and manipulative. Just rewarding for good behavior itself is manipulative as well, you should cherish your partner even if they didn't do something to get that kiss. wouldn't you just enjoy having your partner randomly compliment you or showing their affection the way they know how instead of getting it as a reward?

[midnightmoon05]

Yes!!! We are doing couples massage today! So important to love and enjoy life together. He made breakfast while I slept in.
also understand, it’s work and both willing to work hard to make the relationship work towards loving each other. Reward each other. Let each other know how much they appprceicte each other

[Apope16]

Yay! Wonderful!

[lilyanony1]

Imagine being a woman like that only to find the men you meet see it as a weakness and only take advantage of you. Doing all they can to minimise any achievements you make, or claiming insignificance on your birthday by not even buying you a card...
It's swings both ways really and in my experience I haven't met any guy that matches this description at least not after the honeymoon period.

[Spade07]

It's a self-discipline issue.

[lilyanony1]

Self discipline of?

[Apope16]

You have a right to standards. You are not just celebrating your man for no reason. You are celebrating your man for being a good boyfriend. So a man taking advantage of you is not possible in this scenario because you are rewarding his behavior. Which means that he did something good in the relationship. You see you birthday is a test. If he doesn't buy you a card on your birthday then you don't give him sex that night. And instead you communicate and have a conversation about your feelings.

The honeymoon period is the honeymoon for a reason. After it it ends then it is real hard work and communication. A lady like you I would cherish. PM me if you have a question about a sitaution. I would like to help!

[lilyanony1]

I can only speak from my side of things and I'd talk in pm so long as you know its not sexc chat.

[Elsa143]

@lilyanony1 How can you identify a guy before wasting that time with him? I don't even wanna waste my time spending honey moon period. Everyone's so nice in the beginning and 1 month is wasted to see through his real face.

[lilyanony1]

@Elsa143 I realise now that there really isn't any real way of knowing because when we date we all have an agenda. From a young woman talking about wanting to meet a guy like x y and z. To a guy having his ideal girl in mind. Anyone that comes along becomes the play thing and if she's worthy of a little respect in his head he may treat her like the Inbetween girlfriend. You are one of few things, the one he tries all his sexual kinks with, the one who prepares him for marriage and The wife!
Now the definition of a wife depends depending on the guy your with. But in my experience it's the woman that is like his mum he respects and cares for her the most, to precious to sodomise or anything like that... Don't give up just don't be push to do more than you don't want. If you're always giving you're best and it's decision you made when you look back you won't regret. It's only a regret when he asked you said no then you had your arm twisted out of guilt.

[TheSpaceGnome]

1. You can't change people.

2. You shouldn't want to change people for the sake of becoming compatible.

3. One person being religious and the other not is doomed to resulting in seperation, as is any major personality difference.

4. Relationships based on rewards or punishment don't work. Relationships aren't jobs, they aren't something to coerse or bargin about or barter with, they are instead the urge to be around/with somrone who's mere presents sparks joy, you loves the things, hobbies, activies, etc. that you love, who feels like an extention of an already complete you, rather than someone to comprimise with, or put up with, or hire.

5. if the insatiable urge to lavish the other person in love, attention and care isn't there from the start, then it's the wrong person, and the relationship cannot be improved or mended.

6. There is more to relationships than chores, money and sex.

[Napoli]

Your partner is not a dog, it’s not about rewarding them or punishing them.
No relationship should need “if you do that, I’ll do this” ... there should be no threats to leave if something goes wrong.
Everything you do for you partner, do it because you want to do it. It shouldn’t have to earned. Good sex, head, treating each other right is all part of a relationship.

If they treat you badly either leave or work through it.

[ObscuredBeyond]

Fairly logical assessment.

[Vijay_ConfusedMan]

I think in this context reward is appreciation

[Vijay_ConfusedMan]

And he saying to ignore small mistakes

[Apope16]

you are offended by a word. "rewarding".

You can substitute that word with "celebrating" or "cherishing" or "expressing appreciation". That sound better? That makes sense?

[originalemerald]

I think what they were getting at is you don't reward good sex with dinner... It's incomparable.

[originalemerald]

Lol bad sex this morning. No dinner for you!

[crazyish]

Hmmmmm operant conditioning in a way. It's proven to work. And I can see this being very useful for relationships. But the negative to it, is that when there is no reward but there is still the expectation of a reward. Or maybe the person only keeps doing certain things to get rewarded when in all actuality should be done out of respect and care. I like your theory. I just have problems trusting intentions. But nonetheless very good advice!

[Spade07]

Yeah he is on the right track though. Rewards are not the answer though. He is not looking deep enough.

[crazyish]

I agree, parts of his theory are more of a bandaid. I agree with him on the positive feedback though. Only if it's honest. People forget to express their appreciation for each other. And I really do believe that's important.

[Adam1978]

No you need to use both tools, you shouldn't throw away either. Otherwise your partner will do bad stuff because it's has its own rewards and doesn't need yours on top of it. If there is no consequence of the bad behavior it would be encouraged by itself. And you can't really reward nonactions. Because then you would always be rewarding, and the rewards would end up having no affect.

[exitseven]

Yes, my wife and I were getting in that rut a while back an we talked about it. I just didn't like it when she complained about me all the time especially when I did what she asked me to do but she didn't like the way I did it.
I know I am not perfect but I try to do the best I can and she knows that an has been more positive about things now.

[Anonymous]

Even though I am not proud of saying this, but my relationship has a concept in it that has gone on for 2 years but has calmed down but that's not the point. Financial problems happen any as well as munipulation and walking all over one side till the couple become uncouple (train metaphor but you get it)

[Opinion Owner]

Ik yes sometimes it's to to reward each other but just don't over do it

[glock33sig357]

A reward system isn't needed or should it expected in any relationship once your treating each other with mutual respect and understanding even when we can't stand each other but willing to discuss our differences to a solution we can be happy with; gifts are occasionally welcomed surprise but not for every good deed done.

[piscies]

There so much that people can do to celebrate good behavior for others and it does not have to be a physical body action plus to reward someone is to help others to save america

[LeoElias]

These behaviors can be taken for granted after a while. I am pretty sure the girl in this situation would feel like a sex slave. What happened to honoring your partner and not making/letting them do demeaning/humalitating things just to please you?

[Anonymous]

LOL, "sex as a celebration" is basically backmail. No good deeds = no celebrations?

Either way Femdom lifestyle is cool. Punish bad behavior and maybe reward good. (Well eventually anyways). Best he work hard for it.

[spartan55]

I really like that ritual you had before you ate together. Simple thing, but reinforces the relationship.

[EssenceOfLight]

Sex as reward or lack of sex as punishment leads to reduction of entire intimacy in a control instrument, it's best way to destroy a relationship.
Affection is much more powerful reward.

[ManHater]

Apope16, honestly man or woman maybe "thing"... Your question is taking into account that we are all stupid. What would you like a participation TROPHY too!