Forgive and forget? Easier said than done? Is it even possible?

[natured]

Hi it's me again

Long time no see my dear G@Gers, I hope some of you recognize me and I hope you can still enjoy my self-reflecting MyTakes. I also hope I find all of you well and in great shape !!! As always, each and every comment of yours counts, lets see if we can find a solution to this hectic mind terror. And i'm sure we've all been there....

As you can see from the title, you might think i have been through something, and that's why Natured is giving herself a comeback after all this time through this MyTake...Or maybe natured disappeared for so long because she has been through something...

Let's say you're not wrong, let's also say I have been through sh** but I'm happier and stronger than ever, let's say this MyTake will be my breakthrough and will help me and maybe even you to decide on how to cope with this and put it to an end.

This issue is deep, not only for me but also for you if you have been through the same or something similar, a situation that always keeps popping back in your mind... and you feel anxious about it, you SIMPLY HATE IT AND YOU WANT IT GONE!!

I'm sure this very particular situation actually just popped in your head as you continue to read, i'd love to try and figure out if we can find a logical solution to this mind terror together and sleep in peace with ourselves...

Well let's do this shall we?

YAP

Sometimes, we find ourselves in situations that we never asked for, while simply minding our own bussines. Then drama comes out of nowhere, and attacks you like a starving hyena.

It takes one person, a missunderstanding, with a slight touch of evilness but NO REASON AT ALL !!!

The weirdest part of it is that you've actually been there for this person that caused you this drama, in good and bad times, you shared a lot of things with that person, you helped that person, you even almost risked your own relationship with your partner because of that specific person, and so on.. Maybe not all of the above in your case...

YET you care a lot about this specific person, because let's say you have no other way....and you're actually a good hearted individual, and you always think positive because why not?

YET, you're getting backstabbed, this person lies about you, talks bad about you behind your back, tries to always be RIGHT just because they DO NOT WANT TO AGREE WITH YOU even though you state facts but they just don't want you to be right.... (Narcissistic much? I guess so) they belittle you in front of people, they are also JEALOUS of your relationship, your job, your social life skills everything...

And no, there is no valid reason behind this at all.....

SIGH

Then there comes a moment where you get so deeply hurt by this specific earthling, that you just want to risk it all, you want to ruin everything and get rid of that person and everything that surrounds it just to be alone and find your peace...

YET .... You let go, you forgive and you are almost certain you even forgot, but SOMETIMES this specific drama comes up to you as a haunting memory, even while you get along with that person right now ... but who are we kidding, we are forcing ourselves to get along, sometimes we even convince ourselves that this is going just fine.

"A broken glass cannot be fixed"

Yet, sometimes you lay in bed, and your thoughts wander around and end up in places that you never wanted to ( Just like those random YouTube Videos, you start with a cooking recipee and end up to Dr. Phil ) you literally immagine all the things that you could have done at that moment, and make up different scenarious in your head, but as you do a lump forms in your throat and you find yourself still kind of "suffering" from that specific event that took place.

So instead of moving on you play stupid mind tricks on yourself, while that person moved on, and pretends that nothing ever happened, even though the person said sorry...

Don't get me wrong, I know i'd be better off without that human being, but fact of the matter is in my case, I CAN'T, because it's somebody very close to me and especially my partner, so if i END THINGS with that specific person, that means i might have to END THINGS WITH MY PARTNER AS WELL for his own good.

Maybe you get the point, but fact of the matter is, I WANT TO MOVE ON, I want to forgive and actually FORGET.

I found myself focusing more when the memories come, I BASICALLY SET A MIND ALARM IN MY BRAIN, as in : " As soon as this memory comes up, FOCUS ON SOMETHING ELSE AND GET YOURSELF SOME POSITIVE VIBES ASAP RIGHT FREAKING NOW" And turst me it helps....

So have you ever been in situations like these?

Did you actually forgive and forget?

Did you just forgive?

Did you just Forget?

Should we try and come to a conclusion and try to set MIND ALARMS and see if it works or are there any other methods?

Is there actually a way to find your own peace with drama, especially because you never asked for it ?

I mean, can you relate?

P.s. I know there are bigger problems in the world, and I know people have been through worse, i'm stating it here so you won't come at me with the typical "out of topic" quotes.

If we find a solution together I might write a part 2, and maybe be more specific to what happened.....

Stay safe

-Natured-

[ohshee]

Well welcome back. The cool thing about life is it no matter what happens whether it's good or bad. Wrong or right when it happens to us yes we can forgive or forget but there's something more powerful than that whatever it is that happened looks like it's just eating you up still when we are born we are all given a gift it's more powerful than love it's more powerful than forgive or forget it's more powerful than love or hate
It's called choice no matter what we do in life we make choices every minute of the day we choose who we want to be by the things we say and do sometimes the best choice you should just let it go because when you choose that it clear your mind close your heart otherwise you're just going to keep beating yourself up are seeing it the way it is our that you want to see it I think what I'm trying to say is that you came back for either forgiveness or to tell everybody how wrong the whole situation is I say drop it I say forget it I say make a choice to just have fun but that's a choice you have to make. Me.. I don't know what happened and I really don't need to know I don't need to pick sides I don't need to pick who's right and who's wrong that's my choice like I said I'm not trying to be rude I just see things different and I read a lot I love your energy and your emotion in your might take I hope that everything works out good for you I hope that you can move past it Whatever It Is and I hope however it turns out you can smile that's my choice

[natured]

Thank you so much for your amazing words, Yes i understand that i'm sort of in the way in between my heart and my mind. Let's say that this person is somebody very close to my partner, that person is my partners FAMILY, and that person did something horrible to me without a valid reason and out of jealousy at least this is what my partner is convinced of. But me and my partner we love each other, I mean, our love is something incredible and it's the most valuable thing we have and cherish. He wanted to basically send his family member to hell for me but i didn't allow it, I didn't want him to be that person because we're better than that. So we sort of forgave that person and i promise I DID FORGIVE THAT PERSON, but sometimes this urge to SLAP THAT PERSON in the faces comes up randomly, and i have to somehow forget what happpened...
THE STORY IS DEEP
REALLY DEEP LOL
Thanks again for reading and for understanding

[ohshee]

Yes , I can tell it's Deep and hurts, And the best way to let it go, , not forget because we both know that will never happen our brains aren't wired that way. But the best way to Let It Go. It to realize every time you think about it they're still hurting you every time you put something on paper you're still hurting you you have to make that choice not to put it on paper just let it go. Let them be the ones that think about it let. Let them carry the the load. Because every time you bring it up they still win.. for me if I'm guilty of anything I think about it all the time. It's always playing through my head. But but I'm innocent I can just smile and Let It Go. I could forget about it because I'm innocent but anyway good luck I know it's a hard thing to do I can feel the depth in your words but I know you'll find a way to move faster this is just a moment in time this moment will past and there will be another moment

[exitseven]

I have not been on this site long enough to remember you but I understand what you are going through. I have cut myself off with a lot of people over the years. That is how I dealt with it. I have a pretty busy life and losing a friend was usually just a minor inconvenience to me.
I realize this is not an option for you. My uncle always said that living well is the best revenge. I would concentrate on that. Make your life the best it can be and rub this guy's nose in it every chance you get. You will be happier being pro active and your life will be better as a by product. Its a Win Win.

[natured]

Thank you for your reply, honestly, i would never rub ti to the persons face, i do live well though, and maybe this is some indirect revenge might be, but it's not my purpose to do so. It just sometimes does come up and it kind of hurts.
Thank you for your amazing reply

[exitseven]

So instead of a Win Win you just have a Win. That can be pretty sweet on it's own.

[exitseven]

Thanks for the MHO

[melanieeeB]

I honestly don't do that.

Like people will eventually hurt you and that's okay, it's life, doesn't mean it has to be something big or devastating... but if it is, I won't forget that.

Maybe I just decide that i can still tolerate that person in my life, but than I don't forgive them. I just accept their actions and that shit happened but yeah.. also if I do decide to move on, I won't bring it up against them in the future but still doesn't mean I forgave them

[natured]

You are totally right, no i never brought it up it's not in my character, i think it would make me even angrier. Thank you for commenting <3

[melanieeeB]

Yeah I feel the same haha Well you're welcome, thanks for your take 🙏

[hannahjo022]

Eh depends on the person and what they did to you. If it was a close friend or someone you were in a relationship and they did you dirty it would be hard to forgive but easy to forget because you want nothing to do with them. They can apologize all they want, but it will be hard to forgive and easy to forget. When people do me dirty, they can apologize all they want to me, but I will just forget them like they don't exist to me.

[yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo]

Here's the thing about forgiveness

To forgive somebody means you will not take it as an indictment towards your own personal character.

But it doesn't mean you have to forget what they did to wrong you.


To forgive and learn is probably better...


It's unhealthy to hold a grudge especially when most people probably won't remember what you're mad about. It's often a waste of energy, and severely unhealthy for your psychological health.


Sometimes forgiveness is also responsibility for our roles in a situation, and/or responsibility for taking something personal, and that's actually the beautiful thing about forgiveness, is that you can Forgive yourself, just like you can Forgive others.




Whether or not you let events repeat themselves is entirely up to you...

Just don't let things eat you up because There is No Peace in War.



I also have grudge issues so I know what it is but I'm teaching myself peace.

[natured]

Thank you so much for your amazing comment, yes i totally get yout point, and the thing is that i never mentioned this to the person in question. I totally made sure to never bring it up and to show this person that I MOVED ON, also because i know very well that it will cause further drama.
Sometimes, it's hard to look at that persons face while all the memories come up, it happens rarely but when it happens i feel a huge dose of NEGATIVE energy and almost hate in that moment.
And being the positive bird that I am, it causes a huge toll on me, but I think i have to learn and accept that the past has to remain history.
YET, forgetting is the hardest part not forgiving.
Thanks for taking your time

[yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo]

You're More than welcome, I was happy to be of help

[blank_expression]

I usually don’t spend much time reading something like this but curiosity sucked me here for some unknown reason. Given it is generic; it can overlay any emotional event, generally. A few things come to mind as I scanned this. First, you quote Einstein and yet you entangle yourself in the very things he said to avoid. Apparently, you are suffering from paralysis-by-over-analysis and don’t seem to know when to effectively mentally/physically walk—“forgive and forget.” Lastly, you mentioned how it just happens, and I will say that I actually can sense irl an evil bubble when I am in one or even approaching. They float around as if they are an invisible cloud of gas. Anymore when I sense one, I internally go on alert and manage my way through it---“easier said than done.” In sum…, it can be difficult to set down an emotional bag-of-bricks because once the demon is implanted, it will apply repetition of reoccurrence at will. It takes a new tune to flush out one that won’t leave your mind on its own—“possible.”

[BeenThereLovedIt]

I Forgave someone once. Rather than continue to brood over revenge, I just let it go. I let the person go too. Ghosted them, never to see or hear from them again. Every time they reach out, I just continue ghosting. Some things are unforgiveable, but you gotta move on, move past it. My life got dramatically better once I learned to moved past things I cannot change.

[natured]

You have a valid point there, the hardest step is to move on. Maybe there are days i even forget about what happened, but sometimes I get reminded of it indirectly and it comes up, like all the suffering and pain comes up as i look at this person, and see this person smile and pretend nothing ever happened. I think i have to process everything in order to get there.
thank you though, it's eye opening

[BeenThereLovedIt]

That's the problem, you will always have to live with the past as long as this person is in your life. It's toxic and you risk losing your SO over it, right? In that case, maybe if it's a package deal, then your SO isn't all that appealing. The less toxic route is usually the correct one.

[natured]

The thing is my SO saved our relationship from this drama choosing me over that person, and I don't want him to walk away from his own family. He actually protected me all the way, if he wouldn't do it i'd already knew what to do, i'd run as far and as fast as I could. But he literally respects me and understands right from wrong in general.

[BeenThereLovedIt]

I'm not sure what your motive is. Are you looking to patch things up with those people for his sake?

[FEARLESSHERO]

Here's the misconception that people have with this. Allow me to explain. Yes we are humans we will never forget the harm done to us. And we shouldn't because it teaches us, and makes us stronger. Now what needs to forget is the person who harmed you comes to and truly regrets from the bottom of their soul and begs for forgiveness. Now if you decide to forgive them. Never bring up the harm done to you by them to anyone else or to that person's face again. If you do, then you never truly forgave. And grudges shortens lifespans

[natured]

Thank you so much for your amazing comment, I hope many readers will catch this comment because it's important to understand that at the end of the day we're humans, we can't just control feelings and emotions in these cases.
The thing is, the person i am talking about appologized through a text though AFTER I TEXTED THE PERSON FIRST TO EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT THEY Effed Up ( LOL ) ... so i don't actually think the person would ever appologize if i didn't TEXT them after the huge mess they caused, also, because that the MESS was actually something I deserved, but that person is the only one out of 100 to think that way.
Oh and i never ever bring it up, just because i respect my partner, otherwise i wouldn't forgive but i would forget and also forget the person completely, see how twisted things are.
But since i'm with my partner i did forgive, and I did it only for him, but it's hard for me to forget since i see that person often...
Thank you again for your comment

[FEARLESSHERO]

If you can forget the person entirely then good for you. Thats no easy feat. For everyone else its ok just to forget the situation at least. And you know what. It's always the bigger person that forgives first even when they did not cause the harm. Some people needed to be reminded the screw up they caused.

[Oigit]

It very much is passible and sometimes we can't do it alone. I was kidnapped and molested as a child. That and several other events left me to carrying around a lot of hate and resentment in my later years. It also very much left me over taxed on a mental and emotional level for many years. At 22 I knew I was going down a dark path again and knew that the path didn't end anywhere I wanted to go. So I started going to therapy. After 4 months of intense therapy and some really intense EMDR therapy the weight I had carried around for many years started to lessen.

It also had me realizing that in order to fully take the weight off myself, I had to find forgiveness for the man that molested me. It was very much a processes and the process did create several issues itself. Once I reached the finish line I felt like I did what I should have done many many years ago.

[Gespenster_division]

Forgive yes but only a fool forgets.

[hahahmm]

I forgive but I hold them accountable. And for them to be taken seriously again they need to prove that they're responsible/trustworthy. It's not my responsibility to make their life easy/fun. Of course the person who constantly does wrong will tell you that you need to forgive & forget because that's easy for them.

[monkeynutts]

It’s important that you don’t put yourself into predicaments like this regularly, where by you have to forgive people, it’s kind of pathological, meaning your behaviour is the cause of your illness, your putting your own ass out to be spanked by others. You need to fortify your psychological defense system in your brain to root these types of people out of your life, so they can’t harm you.

[Rennitenn]

Some people think that forgive means forget. You still can recognize someone hurt you or even fucked you up for life. My dad is my example. I don't hold it against him but I sure as hell won't say it doesn't matter or he's not got something to consider. Old bastard. But he is forgiven.

[kidvid80]

you aren't forgiving them for them or for what they did you are doing it for yourself to let go of that negativity. it is very possible and you simply nix that person outta your life and go on. tell yourself lesson learned

[legalboxers]

This is MyTake (see what I did there...) If you forgive and forget... you forget the main reason why your aggravated and hatred for those who did you wrong and did you wrong

[natured]

Lol nice one :*
Yes i understand your point, i wish i was easy to just simply loose those memories.

[Overmind]

Have well defined boundaries; if loved ones constantly step on / over them they're not loved ones but a sad caricature of one. Cut them out of your life or accept the fact they care nothing about you or your boundaries.

[Dragonpurple]

I have done it, but the hardest person to forgive is yourself.

I have a friend that says, the reason God made us forget things as we get older is so we can forgive ourselves.

[Omar5881]

If you forget then you’d have memory issues, forget here means more like acceptance

[natured]

Hmm, you have a valid point here not gonna lie.
Thank you

[SlavBoi]

Never forget what other people did you you. Keep it in your mind and tell them to fuck themselves if they screw you again. 2 times is a charm. It's called self respect

[Pasiton5]

Forgive and forget hell yeah it's possible, get amnesia or get drunk every day for life,, shit before long you'll forget what planet your on,

[HawkPerception]

Forgive? No. Forget? Yes.

In the example of someone cheating on me, they're instantly dead to me once I find out. I don't forgive, but I forget.

[dileep85]

It’s very difficult. But, choice is in your hands. You have to live with your choices. It’s difficult and it’s doable

[OddBeMe]

Not possible to forgive. You just either forget or their slight becomes less meaningless than their friendship to you. And we move on.

[jshm2]

You're confused.

It's actually "forgive or forget," never both.

[natured]

I'm actually not confused at all, because there is situations where i FORGAVE and FORGOT. You can do both actually because it is possible.
In some cases you can just forget but you can't forgive and vice versa.