Toxic people - what goes through their head, said from a former toxic person

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Toxic people - we often talk about them, how to avoid them, the kind of damage they do, but often we don't ask ourselves the question - what makes them act like that? What makes them do the horrible things they do?
I recognize not all people are the same and this myTake - or better said, this self-criticism letter, this confession - aims to shed some light on why some kind of toxic people are they way they are, and how they can change.

- There's usually a big discomfort or sense of inadequacy

At the basis of my toxic behavior there were insecurity and feeling inadequate to others. I was frustrated that my projects, my career and my succession weren't going as planned, and so I took it out on others whom I felt were more successful than me - or worse, I'd pick on people who were even more down than me because I knew I could strike without getting retaliation.

- Everyone is an enemy, or a potential one

It can sound paradoxical, but while some toxic people attack others just for their own satisfaction, others actually ''strike in defense'' - in their mind, everyone is a potential enemy or someone who might abuse or betray them. I was the second kind of person - I would block, purge and overall make life hell for people just for the suspect they might hurt me one day. Ironically enough, I ended up making enemies for real this way. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
While most of the people I tormented or wrongfully accused eventually forgave me when I apologized and offered reparations, a few others have completely cut me off while another who was one of my biggest friends now it's one of my harshest critics, and already said she's moving to another town if I become mayor next year.

- Every action from others is an attack

That's how I pretty much saw other people. You criticized me? You are an enemy whom I need to get rid of. You complimented me? I would think - what are you hiding, what are you planning? Ironically enough, I would go after and persecute people who praised or helped me, more than those who criticized or got in my way. If you remember well, the cooperative girl whom always supported was at the center of my worst suspects, and I was considering terminating her internship and write to her University with a slew of fabricated accusations because of the imagined danger she posed - just for being helpful and supportive.

Thankfully I snapped out of it soon enough, although by then I had already alienated a lot of people whom had tried to help me and made them face consequences at work or in other areas. Much of time now is dedicated to reparate the damage I've done to them, and hope to earn their forgiveness.

- They can change, but they must want it

You can try to help them, but it can be a dangerous game. Some people who have dealt with me IRL and some G@gers here know that all too well. The toxic people who attack ''for defense'' and not out of sadism, can change once they realize that their lifestyle is unsustainable. I was degrading both physically and mentally, and after some very harsh discussions with both people IRL and G@gers here who finally gave up and closed the door, made me reflect that by going on like that I would have most likely ended up alone or worse in a year or two.
So I had to change, and work without sparing any effort towards those goals - change myself for the better, be a better friend and servant for society, and repare the damages and pain I caused. It's not easy and the few months I've been spending on this endeavor are still too little, but some fruits are already coming to bloom! People feel much better around me, I feel much better and both professionally and politically I've gained a lot of credit. I've found out that it truly takes little to live well, to prosper and make other people live well.

So! That was my experience as a toxic person, and I hope it gave you some insight on how such a mind works. Thank you for reading and I assure you that I shall spare no effort to keep up on this path of growth and change. If you have an opinion or a suggestion, feel free to share!

[AmandaYVR]

"Ironically enough, I would go after and persecute people who praised or helped me, more than those who criticized or got in my way. If you remember well, the cooperative girl whom always supported was at the center of my worst suspects, and I was considering terminating her internship and write to her University with a slew of fabricated accusations because of the imagined danger she posed - just for being helpful and supportive."
That's pretty diabolical, Jean-Marie. Accusations such as this ruin lives. It's a relief you came to your senses. (Does she know about your prior plan?)

"I've found out that it truly takes little to live well, to prosper and make other people live well."
That's correct.

Yep, that's certainly toxicity.
I'm not really in a huggy, supportive mood today, with the way many males are [not] behaving on here, so I'll need to keep this brief.
I think it's really admirable and commendable that you've written this and fessed up to this. You're doing great. I'm very proud of you. Keep it up. Many would not have had the guts to take accountability and to be so honest about their past deeds and wrongdoings, so as much of a [ ] as you were before, you do deserve a lot of credit for the man you are today.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words, I wholeheartedly appreciate them. Big part of the merit is yours naturally!
I'm sorry it's not been a good day for you on here. Sadly in my opinion there are a lot of good people here, but trolls and other malicious people are quite a lot as well and are certainly loudest than the good ones. I do my best to ignore them.

Actually I never went through with my worst ideas, either I chickened out or had some conscience, I wouldn't know. I just thought that she and other people were looking either for blackmail material or to take my place. I didn't tell her about this idea, but she got wind of it and on an occasion gave me a very harsh dress down. When people who are always cheerful like her finally get angry, it can be really scary!

I honestly find more satisfaction in being loved than feared honestly. Making people laugh, hold children by their hands, letting old ladies kiss my cheeks, and so on. On the last day of the summer camp there was a boy who was very happy but also crying because it was over, because it had been a very beautiful experience for him. I was shaking the hands of all the boys of his class, and when came his turn he started to cry and talking how much he liked the camp so I just hugged him to reassure there will be many such initiatives. I know there's Covid, but we are all vaccinated, so I thought ''what the hell, let's do it''.

[JustAnj]

A big part of being a Great leader is experiencing what it was to be a bad follower. You have now more experience to understand and be aware of others behaviors in order to resolve and support your community as a leader. How we all function matters and those who have learned from harder paths have greater knowledge once in their best frame of mind.

❤️

You can not change others but you can understand what it is to be the change in yourself and reflect a great influence on those who parade these issues.

Your friend will have to choose as well to grow and learn the difficult reality of imperfect worlds and humans. To forgive but no need to forget.

You on the other hand must continue your journey of growth and remember that we can only control ourselves and our actions. Forgive yourself for the hardships you implemented and have faith in your ability to move on to greater things.

Good Luck. ❤️

[pjf1958]

Very magnanimous of you

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your very in-depth and thoughtful opinion, I wholeheartedly appreciate it!
I admit it'll take a while before I'll be able to completely forgive myself, but I'll keep working for it. As for my friend, I honestly hope she won't leave, but I can't force her to stay or go, it's her choice. I behaved really badly with her so I understand if she wants nothing to do with me.

[BeenThereLovedIt]

What of the toxic people on G@G who reply to our comments and attempt to bully, gaslight, and destroy us in an "argument" that they started?

I've given up on toxic people and in the last few days I've blocked a couple of dozen here. It gets to the point that I don't want to participate more because whenever I give an honest opinion and try to keep it civil, someone has to turn it up to 11 and do everything they can to pwn their adversary.

We're not all supposed to think alike, that's called being a mindless drone, but the moment someone disagrees here, they tend to just go into combat mode and launch attack after attack in an attempt to trigger me/you/us.

Maybe I'm old, but I just don't get it. What does anyone get out of that?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

It's both a self-defense and attack tactic - in my experience, I did that because I needed to cover my insecurities and affirm myself as the ''top man''.

[BeenThereLovedIt]

But in your case, if I read it properly, you did this in real life as much as online. I can't imagine many of the toxic people here being that way in real life, we would all be surrounded by it everywhere we went right?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I think that IRL those people are just good at hiding it. I would often play nice and even give gifts to someone before giving them the boot on a project they enjoyed or have my lawyer send them a threatening letter accusing them of ''defamation'' as a way to silence them.
Maybe not many people overdo it as I did, but they can still spread out false rumors, gaslight, gangstalk or overall being two-faced. It happens in a lot of toxic work environments.

[BeenThereLovedIt]

I've witnessed enough of that, but at least IRL we have options and ways to deal with it. Online, all we can do is block and ghost.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

That's true, but IRL in my opinion it can be even worse. When I was like that, people here could just block and ghost me as well. IRL, strong on money and overall freedom of action, I would go on until someone either quit or finally conceded defeat - they couldn't even properly defend themselves because they often didn't have much money to burn on legal fees for the legal actions I continually threatened. Now I've quit that behavior and gave reparations to as many people as I could, but there are many far more powerful people than me in the world who go on making other people's lives hell like this for years.

[OlderAndWiser]

". . . while another who was one of my biggest friends now it's one of my harshest critics, and already said she's moving to another town if I become mayor next year." That sounds like American politics. So many celebrities said they would leave the US if Trump was elected president but none of them did so.

I wish you good luck with your campaign!

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thanks!
Yes, I remember that. I honestly hope she won't leave, but I can't force her to stay or go, it's her choice.

[coachTanthony]

------------Good take and the GAG toxers are alive and well. Can't we all just get along?

~Coach T Anthony @thedatecoach IG

[Explorer91]

It’s good that you have the self awareness to recognise this.
i have met a few people like this in my life. The nicer I was the meaner they were to me. It was almost like they felt uncomfortable when I was just nice for no reason. They preferred it when I wasn’t and when they had to ”win back my affection.” I think it’s wear the statement “guys like bitches” comes from. Some people with toxic habits don’t want a nice woman. They want someone who will be mean as they are familiar with mean and it makes them more comfortable.

But at the end of the day i think what all of the points you mentioned indicates is that you were addicted to chaos, you just couldn’t allow yourself to be at peace and happy. No matter what the situation you had to either feel bad, hatred, vindictive, suspicious, etc. you were determined to make yourself feel shit.

and I think it’s brave that you went on the journey, maybe still are going on the journey to break that addiction of chaos or whatever, coz a lot of people don’t want to give it up. They are scared of the stillness, the quiet, the calmness. Suprisingly calm waters are the most scary.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words and sharing your opinion. If I can say it from my perspective, I think that those people mistreated you because in their own distorted view - the same I used to have - your niceness was either something to exploit or they saw it as you ''one-upping'' them. Calmness and an overall serene environment can be scary for some people, maybe because they fear something unexpected might happen. Ironically, chaos is much more manageable in that mindset.
I really like the concep of chaos you have talked about.

[Explorer91]

Yep I think people definitely saw it that way. To be honest I noticed those people in my life were so focused on what everyone else was thinking way too much that they misread situations. I never used to constantly analyse people’s intentions.
I used to play chinese checkers with my dad. We were both very good but pretty much every time I would beat him, he couldn’t understand why.
I said to him. Isn’t it obvious, I focus on getting my pieces to the end. Where as you focus too much about the moves I’m making and trying to block them. He ended up making bad moves because he was so focused on what I was doing,
I wasn’t as focused on blocking him or sabotaging him or analysing his moves, so I always got my pieces to the end first.
I find this is very similar in life. I understand analysing people’s intentions when in a distressing situation. But in general. You never win at life this way. That’s something a lot to people need to understand I think

[menina]

It's good to see that you're able to admit that you were wrong. I'm glad you changed your behavior.
I knew you were hated by many Gagers, I just didn't know why. To be honest, I guess anyone can act that way. We all make mistakes and we all are able to be rude, suspicious or hateful. What happens is that some people are always like that while others can act differently sometimes.
Also, you described my "family". That's why I need to leave them as soon as possible.

Good luck with the elections! 😊👍

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words, I wholeheartedly appreciate them!
I'm sorry you have to deal with a toxic family, I wish you all the best in dealing with your situation!

[menina]

You're welcome. Thank you so much! :)

[BlackBeauty90]

Toxic personalities originate with childhood. Same with other negative habits such as excessive drinking, doing drugs, being promiscuous, etc. - the typical person grew up in a bad environment. The enactment of the old saying > monkey see, monkey do.

That is why children in such households have problems conforming to normal society and ideology because they were raised on the outskirt mentality of their parents. And typically why "troubled children" or "problematic" school kids have bothersome - either rude, ignorant, aggressive or other (to the point of threatening school authorities, getting arrested or entirely banned from the property) - parents.

@jean-marie_celine is a perfect example of this because he has habitually referred to his mother as a toxic and/or negative/disagreeable person. His mother was a toxic person, he in turn became a toxic person & involved with toxic people (birds of a feather flock together).

[Nobefore]

I was one of them but I think everyone is toxic to some people at some level. I still try to change. It is so much fun to see yourself as a supportive person. (Although there ıs a lot of to go )

When I was toxic I was also helped everyone around me without thinking about myself. I cut my school for them, gave my savings to their vacations, etc. But deep down I was so angry at myself became toxic people at other people. Now, I love myself and other people. I try to not give up on my limits. I am happy and people around me are happy as well. :)

[backblueblack22]

I’m not a fan of the word “toxic” because that term is often used for leftist purposes (I know your take had nothing to do with politics).

But an estimated 5% of the human population is sociopathic to a certain extent. The parts of their brains that feel remorse/empathy either under-activate or don’t activate at all. They are usually very good at covering it up but their true colors eventually come out.

Those are the truly potential toxic people. They see world as a chess board and casualties are necessary for them to win.

[DiegoO]

Did you went to a psychologist?

I think everyone past trought that stage of emotional toxicity. Some litely others heavily.

In my own experience (been toxic, dealing with toxic individuals) you gotta be true to yourself (is the only way to do go) if you wish to find peace. The road is not easy, but is the only. Change takes a lot of energy and time, so change if it worth it.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Actually no, I fixed my problems with some heavy thought process and self-rectification meditation. It's difficult and painful, but in my opinion if you are determined enough you can reach some big breakthroughs!

[DiegoO]

True!

[Poppykate]

I think it’s great that you are working on yourself to be a better person.
I think that in order to grow as a person, you need to realise that not everyone will want to (or can ) forgive you for the past hurts. You will need to realise that some people will need more time to heal. And in order to be totally selfless and understanding, you need to give them time and patience.
Best of luck with your future goals!

[midnightmoon05]

Love the picture of you. That pasture tells it all. The transformation from 2-4 years ago to who you are now. I am very proud of you.

I know some and I know their hurt. They are humans like us and was trained to think less of them.. so they were hurt.
keep up the good work... future mayor or whatever you put your heart to love those around you.

[pjf1958]

What I can't stand, is when there is a lively, intellectual discussion occurring on social network, you can get some toxic individual who gets angry at the discussion simply because he doesn't understand the topic. That kind of toxic individual also stinks as well as being offensive on social networking.

[LeftHappy]

No, it's because they don't like seeing others having a good time!

[RolandCuthbert]

Wow. I have known you at the site for a while. That's hard to believe. I guess the saying is true. It doesn't matter where you start. It just matters where you end up.

Thanks for posting this.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for reading and sharing your opinion!

[Anonymous]

Toxicity stems from an upbringing that was unhealthy/toxic parents. Most of what become toxic behavioural patterns and what is deemed as “toxic” to people, is subconscious programming that has its basis in “survival mode”. What saved my life was a shift within my perspective and mindset from such destructive behaviours. And the fact that I tackled my fears and looked inside for answers and sought GOD.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for sharing your opinion and experience! I'm glad to hear that you found a path that helped you change your way to look at things, find the answers and serenity for yourself.

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you and likewise.

[Screenwriter]

There's nothing better, or that makes you FEEL better than positivity. When you do well, others around you do too.

Sorry it took you a while to get there, but you've gotten there, so keep it up!

[Smegskull]

Here's one:
I am miserable,
Others are not like me I am an outcast,
Others are not miserable,
If others become miserable others will be like me,
If others are like me I will not be an outcast,
Make others miserable to be included/accepted.

The twisted logic of the subconscious mind 😈

[Alejandro3000]

Youve basically described most people. No one likes being wrong. Toxic people don't know how to effectively argue with someone without raising their voice. But toxicity is also about others pushing someones buttons. The victim isn't always an angel.

[pleasestopthis]

It's a good thing that you realized what was happening, and it's a brave thing to accept it and apologize for the mistakes you made in the past.
This was very interesting to read, thanks for sharing.

[Bluemax]

"Thankfully I snapped out of it soon enough" I eagerly await a mytake from you on what made you decide to snap out of it.

[NightHawk99]

We are all toxic in our own ways.

Thr most common way is always calling out, or being satisfied from someone else's failure, while constantly believing you yourself aren't capable of such failure.

[ThatNoUVAtYourEyes]

a) you can see that very very easily - it is only unavoidable at work (but then you can find a smart co and let the toxic one collapse)
b) I consider it to be transgenders most of the time - people whose anatomy was changed (then DNA adjusts into being a mess) - so, hiding all that, or not even knowing themselves - of course they want to wreck the lives of all others

[Massageman]

Very insightful post. Congrats on your progress.
Offer to help her pack after you take office, Mr. Mayor.