I've read up a good bit on this site having never been a member myself - I have heard the countless woes of girls talking about the horrible guys they have had to deal with, and I have heard the countless stories of guys trying to figure out why they got ghosted when they were nothing but kind.
Unfortunately, we are all a male or female - none of us can exempt ourselves from bias on any of these discussions. As a man, I am more prone to notice stories about girls being terrible than guys.
It is with that understanding that I reserved comment in the public sphere on the matter. No doubt relationships between the sexes are incredibly screwed up these days.
But I'm not interested in problems - I am interested in solutions. So let's do this - guys and girls, together.
THE ACTUAL PROBLEM
Chances are you might hate the answer to the REAL problem behind all of our woes whether you be a guy or girl. I know I get frustrated every time I realize the answer is the same - but the only way to fix a problem is to admit what the actual problem is.
MATURITY
That's it. This was never "girls vs boys" - it IS however, "men AND women VS boys AND girls."
If you are honest, moral, forgiving, slow to anger, patient, kind - all of the various "good" qualities we generally talk about in relationships and you find that people do not value you then the reality is simple: you are mature and dealing with immature people. (assuming you are those things and not blinded by ego - nobody is perfect, but do you actually put forth a good effort to BE someone worth committing to?)
Have you ever tried to reason with a toddler? As a more logic-minded individual myself, this has never worked well.
Adults are just older children if you really think about it - all of your childhood fears, insecurities, poor behavior - they don't go away. Unless YOU decide to make a change, you will just sit in your box of conformity and security until the end.
Fortunately, I have good news for EVERYONE - you CAN change. Are you shy but want to be more outgoing? You can practice that. Are you struggling with trust issues? You can work on that. Do you have body image issues? You can work on that. I could go on, but the reality is it is easier to just say "take me as I am" than try to be your best self.
And we all have off days of course, we all make mistakes. This is why forgiveness, grace, patience, and understanding are so critical to ANY relationship in life.
I could go on and on, but I think most of us can identify mature from immature behavior - and I've already mentioned plenty of those qualities above.
Do you have to lie to maintain your relationship? That's immaturity. Do you manipulate with things like sex as some sort of bargaining chip? Immaturity. Do you aim to rack up a so-called "body count?" Immaturity. Do you have no sense of self responsibility or discipline? Once again, immaturity. Is your relationship ALL about YOU? Immaturity.
You get the picture.
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NOW WHAT? (A.K.A. the long proverbial road to recovery)
I'm sure many of you might be thinking "alright Simon, so now what? This generation is so screwed up it seems - there's hardly any maturity left out there."
Unfortunately, you are right about that dear reader who is definitely not just me making up words to put here for the sake of example; for reasons I'm sure most anyone can figure out - we rely too much on technology and machines rather than on people.
We also haven't generally faced the travesties of past generations and it has been said that "hard times make strong people, strong people make easy times, easy times make weak people, weak people make hard times."
That does seem to be true. I can't think to a time in my 25 years of life that I have ever worried about getting food, or water, or a hot shower, and so on. I remember the time before the smart phone - I watched it take over. I watched dates become two people engrossed with their screens rather than talking to a real human being.
I watched "making love" become "fucking" - I watched morality become mere opinion. I watched family and faith become not only optional, but in some cases unfathomable.
You can't build a skyscraper without acknowledging and relying on its foundation.
Historically, any society that has delved into absolute relativism (not just moral relativism, but philosophical relativism - what's true for you isn't true for me type stuff) has not lasted.
Any time societies at large reject family and faith they don't last. (I won't delve into commentary on theology here but an honest look at history will reveal that faith particularly in a god is fundamental to societal stability - save comments on that for another discussion please)
I think we are at the shifting point from the "easy times" into very, VERY hard times. This is my opinion of course but I think many of you will agree. But if we can create new hard times, and create weak and immature people, we can also create new easy times and new strong and mature people - so dear reader take heart and be of good cheer. We are not victims of any of our circumstances - only our choices and how we choose to respond to said circumstances.
WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT - WHAT CAN YOU DO?
So with all of that out of the way - what can YOU do? First of all know that you are NOT alone - I cannot express how many people I have encountered of all ages that see these problems - so you are not alone in feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with the condition of male-female relationships.
You are not alone in feeling sad, or depressed, or hopeless in terms of dreams of love and marriage and family.
You are not alone in trying to find your way in this messed up maze we call a culture.
WHERE TO START
Start with you - be the best YOU that you can possibly be.
For me, I spend a lot of time teaching myself new skills, new hobbies, learning new things, working on improving my diet, trying to work on taking better care of my mental health (prayer and meditation are quite helpful I must say). For you, your journey may look a bit different - maybe you have some past trauma especially from the opposite sex and need to work through that.
That's okay - everyone's life timeline will be different so I think, if you haven't spent a good while single getting to know yourself, do that - learn yourself and grow into the MAN or WOMAN you were meant to be.
I STARTED; NEXT?
Now let's say you do that - now what?
You want to find your dream significant other - start by figuring out what truly matters. If your date can't quote "Friends" like you can - that's probably not a big deal. If you are a staunch conservative and your date is a radical liberal - maybe you want to rethink that relationship.
Find your values that REALLY matter - to help with that, imagine a post-apocalyptic world. Who would you want to rely on to make it through when you don't know if you will have food tomorrow?
THAT is when you realize who you can truly trust and who you can't.
I know that sounds extreme, but I'm trying to make the point that you need REAL values - political ideas, spiritual ideas, how would you raise kids if you had any, how do you manage money? Those kinds of things need to take precedence. I will add it is probably wise to have at least one major hobby you can do together - don't have one at the get-go? That's okay - you can find one together.
The thing is we need to build lives TOGETHER - men need women, women need men. Boys and girls only need to BECOME men and women.
When it comes to dating - date with intention. If you're not in it for the long haul - then YOU are the problem. Go be single for a while and return when you are ready for long term commitment in marriage.
I've heard it all - all the arguments against marriage and how we should just keep it casual. Well if we know the real problems of everything ultimately boil down to maturity, let me ask you which requires more personal growth, sacrifice, and therefore maturity?
Does a life-long commitment to love and care for another human being thus compromising and not living with a me-first mindset require more maturity? Or does living on impulse with a want and disregard of the future and any emotional, physical or spiritual ramifications require more maturity?
I think we all know the answer even if our egos and vices won't allow us to admit it.
So be your best self, have standards and stick to them and now for a big piece of advice:
KNOW YOUR WORTH - DO NOT WASTE TIME WITH PEOPLE WHO DO NOT RESPECT YOU.
That one line right there is what allows boys and girls to continue with their bullshit.
To the women: boys are only able to be "fuckboys" and jerks and what have you because girls and women let them. NEVER let them get away with their nonsense. Never reward bad behavior - if they want to act like children then treat them like children.*
To the men: girls are only able to be sluts and manipulators because boys and men let them. NEVER make excuses because you think she's pretty or what have you. Never reward bad behavior - if they want to act like children, again, treat them like children.*
*And just so there is no confusion - I mean DO NOT DATE OR SLEEP WITH THEM. EVER. If you go on a date and find out you're with a boy or girl (maturity has NOTHING to do with age) then GTFO - if every man and woman did this, you'd see a dramatic decline in the number of boys and girls past age 18.
I have been guilty of this and many of us have - we feel like we can't do any better or that everything is so messed up that there are no more good options so someone is better than no one.
That's bullshit.
You are worth so much more than being disrespected and treated like garbage.
If you are honest - you deserve honesty back. If you are kind - you deserve kindness back. If you try to improve yourself - you deserve someone who is trying to improve him or herself too.
PARTING THOUGHT:
FINALLY, one more thought in this long rant,
Encourage others. Ladies - encourage everyone girl or woman in your life on all of these points. It's not impossible, but it is MUCH harder to stand against a sea of insanity on your own than with friends and family at your side. Guys - same thing, encourage every boy in your life to become a man, and encourage every man to be their best self and to not compromise for anyone who will treat them horribly.
CONCLUSION:
OUR ROLES
It was a group effort that made this mess - and a mess that was made or at least being made before many of us were even born.
I will say that personally I believe in more traditional based gender roles - you can disagree with me on that and time will tell who among us is correct as we see how the rate of depression and relational success in our society evolves. So far I think my views below have been vindicated.
I think men should take charge in relationships - but leadership IS NOT self-service. It is an act of service TOWARDS others - a good manger does not attend to themselves, they attend to their team. No I am not saying a man is the manager of the relationship, I am just saying men need to serve women - that is true leadership.
You want honesty? BE HONEST. You LEAD by example.
Women: self-sacrifice and service to others applies to you as well. As you receive so freely, so freely give. I can say as a man, it can be hard to work up the courage these days to talk to a woman and ask her out on a real date.
"The worst she can do is say no" - not true. The worst she can do is falsely accuse you of heinous crimes and ruin your reputation. Most every guy knows this same fear - does that mean they should live in fear? Absolutely not - but this again goes to having grace, patience and understanding of each other - women face unique challenges in the dating world as do men.
We all could use a little more understanding and patience as well as forgiveness. Add to that humility - God knows some humility is way overdue for most all of us.
Anyway, it can be hard to ask a woman out so ladies, if a man asks you out and you do not want to say yes - just be kind and honest. Say you are not interested but you appreciate the offer. That is polite and civil - if he works up the courage to ask AND IS POLITE show him the same kindness back - do not ghost or run away or any other childish nonsense. (If the guy is a predator monster, he is a boy, not a man - see advice above on dealing with boys/children)
Guys - women are not toys. Sex is deeper than physical gratification and you all know it. Men are more physical and visual sexually than women, yes, but that does not give you the right to send pictures of your Johnson or to try and hop in bed with a loose girl because you can't face the responsibility of marriage.
TEAM WORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK
I could go on and on back and forth - but gender roles are not so complicated. Men and women are built to compliment each other - you are a TEAM. United we stand, divided we fall.
I personally am not too shabby as a cook. I'd love to have a wife cook for me but I wouldn't leave her alone with that job - in fact, I think it would be a tremendous idea for us to cook together! If she's better at making the pasta sauce and I find I'm better with seasoning the meat, then that's what we'll do because that's teamwork. (Although having anyone cook for you as an act of service is always a welcome kind gesture that will be returned in kind)
I personally do pest control - I am a former arachnophobe who had to battle God knows how many spiders just to make my house livable after I bought it. I even came face to face with black widow and had one of the few absolute panic attacks in my life. But I survived - I got stronger. Now what I used to see as monsters I see as God's little architects - if my wife can't handle spiders, I know how to take care of them and designate where they can and cannot reside in my house. But I suck at folding laundry - been trying to improve but the results are not ideal - so perhaps that is a weakness my wife could supplement? It's all about teamwork.
One last example - the band Van Halen was started by brothers Eddie and Alex - Alex on guitar and Eddie on drums. They were not that good - so they switched roles - Eddie on guitar and Alex on drums was a match made in heaven.
Gender roles are about playing to YOUR individual strengths as a man or a woman - and that will vary a bit so find your strengths and work with your partner to supplement each other's weaknesses. Yes, tropes emerge amidst the sexes generally but what each sex generally is better at, but at the end of the day your personal relationships need to be just that: personal.
ONE LAST PARAGRAPH THEN GO HAVE A COOKIE (you earned it)
And remember - if you are not willing to stand for something, you will fall for anything (or anyone).
I know this was long but I really do hope that this will serve as some encouragement for at least someone out there. I see so many wonderful men and women every day, lonely and hurting - wonderful people who deserve happy and successful relationships and marriages but are unable to find them. I've heard many say it's hopeless.
Allow me one more cuss word:
FUCK THAT - I refuse to give up.
I have waited ten years for a wife - I have been on four first dates. That is it - and not from a lack of trying. I have my sins and mistakes no doubt, but I have also learned so much in my time of waiting. Though I want it to be over, I can't deny how valuable it has been and how valuable it will be when it is my time to turn in my bachelor card.
I may not be the bastion of success that others can point to and say "See! He made it work!" - but my time will come and you will all bear witness.
My patience will not be in vain, I assure you. Love IS patient - and my wife will not doubt my faithfulness.
So be strong my friends - be strong my fellow men, and be strong all of you women out there as well - we are ALL in this together regardless of our sex. We all know things are pretty messed up out there and unfortunately it is now incumbent on us as the younger generation to correct these mistakes.
But we know the problems and we know the solutions - so let's get to work: TOGETHER. I will end with this quote from the movie Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy living or get busy dying." I choose to get busy living - how about you?
-anon "Simon Class"
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