How do I tell my boyfriend he's not aggressive enough?

[Anonymous]

He admits he's shy.

He did ask me to be his girlfriend pretty fast.

He kissed me first, wasn't exactly shy about that.

But as a boyfriend he's kind of passive. He is always keeping the messages or phone calls going, but he has said he doesn't like it that I never call him first.

He also will always hint at getting together but not outright ask. Unless it's a specific plan then he asks me if I want to go to the event, like a friend's dinner.

He is very understanding and caring. He always tries to make me feel better when I am upset.

I am usually the type to sit back and be completely pursued. My ex was like that but he was such a jerk! I was nowhere near an equal.

With my boyfriend I'm more of an equal. Or sometimes he will say "Why don't you ask to make plans, you know I want to see you"

It makes me feel... like he doesn't like me enough. I know he does care, or I wouldn't still be here. But I'm used to more aggressive man.

Is there a way to talk to him without making him upset or feel criticized?
It's nice to be treated as an equal person not an inferior being. But I feel out of my comfort zone :(

Updates

+1 y

Also the problem is that the past two week he been stressed out n more busy with other problems in his life. When he was free he asked to see me more. Now he don't got much time so he's talking to me a lot but not making plans, except hinting at them a few times. But the whole "whenever you want" thing makes me feel like he's apathetic-if I'm there great if I'm not then he doesn't GAF

[XRabbitHeartX]

I think the bigger issue here is you not adjusting to his way of doing things. Your ex was not the same as him and now you're freaking out cause it's different and not what you're used to. But thing is, you admit you like it better now being equal and that your ex was a jerk. So my question... why can't you just accept him for who he is? He sounds good to me and like he's very much into you so why try to change him when it's already working. If his actions were negative and bothersome then I'd say yes, go and talk to him about it but his behavior sounds normal, rational and healthy. It should be equal. That's a good relationship.

[rolypolio]

Just flat out tell him. Guys don't get subtle hints. Just explain to him that he needs to be more aggressive. Simple as that.

[allwood]

There doesn't seem to be a problem here really, just that your ex was a 'jerk' and you are used to men treating you that way, now you have a good guy and you're not used to it.

'He is very understanding and caring. He always tries to make me feel better when I am upset'
'With my boyfriend I'm more of an equal'
'It's nice to be treated as an equal person not an inferior being'

re-read your quotes above and think long and hard about what you really want. Do you want a guy like your ex who treats you as an inferior being? Or do you want an understanding & caring boyfriend who treats you as his equal?

[Asker]

No, I am much happier with my boyfriend, but past two week I feel like he does not initiate plans enough with me, maybe I'm being selfish he has a lot of problems at work and is unhappy. Maybe I expect to be treated like princess too much. My ex always pursued me aggressively but he also became way too much and wouldn't let me breathe. A call and three texts in an hour because I didn't respond. And he was a liar, I felt used and abused. He was too much. My BF much better, but I wish he would just say "When can I see you" more-he did until he was stressed out last two weeks. He still talks to me a lot though and everything...

[allwood]

So the only thing that bothers you really is that he doesn't say stuff like "let's go out on Friday night" etc? It seems to be a trivial thing to be honest, you know what it's like for guys to be the opposite, you hate it, now you have a boyfriend who you're happy with, and one of those reasons you are happy is because he isn't like your ex. Just enjoy it, let go of this non problem and remember what it was like with your ex.
You could always initiate dates etc too, or when he suggests maybe going somewhere, you could reply with "well I might go if you ask me" in a playful way, then he should ask you.
Also, does he know your ex was a awful person, as he might be treading carefully not to come across like him.

[Asker]

Yeah when he's busy a few days can go by and he won't say anything about when can I see you again. He teased me about why don't I stay over (I live with family he does not) and I said that sounds like fun but if you tired I understand, he said thumbs up, I said does that mean yes or no he said seriously it means yes, why you reading into it so much. I don't know I am just used to aggressive types but they have proven to be jerks! What can I say I am very insecure in love!!

[allwood]

Well he was asking you to stay over, in sort of a backhanded way, but was still asking you, and when you said "but if you tired I understand" that to him was like being turned down, as he was hoping for an "OK, I'm on my way" sort of thing. He did get a bit upset, that's why he said you're reading too much into his 'thumbs up'.
Just relax about the whole thing, go with the flow and enjoy this new, great experience :)

[Anonymous]

What? He is doing everything (flirts, he kissed you first, texts, flirts, invites you to go places) and you want more than that and say that he does not like you enough? Then you talk about how some jerk was pursuing you and you liked that? Maybe this guy is too good for you.
NO, trust me, you don't "sit back" in a relationship. You are lucky he is still with you. If it was me i would have given up a long time and moved on.

[Asker]

The last two week he hasn't been inviting me to go places, or asking me when he should come by, he's suddenly facing a lot of demands by work, working long hours, but it makes me feel like he doens't care about seeing me anymore.

[reptocarl]

You can try talking to him about it but things probably 99.99% not ever change. So, what will you do?

[Asker]

I don't want to force him to be what he's not, it's just very hard for me to feel loved this way, I am not the most confident in relationships because I was mistreated a lot. And yes, by pushy guys. So maybe I'm onto something here. But I'm used to guys who are aggressive. Most guys also don't respond well to a girl taking some initiative but he likes it! It just makes me feel very insecure.

[reptocarl]

Are you happy or not. It won't change

[Asker]

It's a mixed bag. I am happier with him than with other guys and he treats me with more respect. I enjoy my relationship with him a lot more than my last. The quality of the conversation, our connection. With him I feel like a person, not just a doll on the shelf that the guy fucks for ten minutes three times a week. He isn't wimpy or anything in person, but he is more shy by nature, even a mutual friend said he is the type of guy she thinks needs a girl to take some initiative because he's shy.

[Klaatu51]

tell him as it is... if he's not aggresive he won't do a shit to you :-P

[Asker]

He's more aggressive in the bedrom. Well we have not done sexual intercourse yet because i don't want to. But he is patient with me that way. However great orgasms from oral sex, oh my

[Anonymous]

Use words. Speak plainly. Make sure he understands what you need from him.