Forgot how to comment back... Wrote a response to your comment:
Sometimes it’s hard for guys to feel that commitment. I know it’s different for woman, because the dream of having there long term partner, and having kids, and having a family is something woman feel very attached to. My best friend in the world is longing for children, and for me I can try to understand that part of her wanting that life for herself. I know it’s a attachment to life. Kids bring meaning, and having a commitment, and marriage is the same aspect. It’s very meaningful to know your life is moving forward.
Know from a guys prospective… I can understand were the break-up happened. And your 100% right on in my views. That commitment of having a marriage is very freighting for men. Us guys don’t really have that emotional attachment for a family, to marriage, and it takes time to have enough strength to go forward with those aspects. And that’s were I think guys are very different on the emotional connection. Now that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want that life, but sometimes it takes us guys awhile in order to feel those feelings. Know that our life is with one person. And it may look very…. (god can’t think of the word to describe what I’m saying… dam it)…. Anyway… how about one sided…. It may look one sided, and may look like we think about ourselves, but at the same time it’s about trying to feeling safe, and that’s where the fear comes in…. as you mentioned.
I think what needs happen for you, is to feel like you have someone in your life, and have someone that feels the same morals as you do. Were all ageing, and life doesn’t stop, but moves forward very quickly. And that’s where I understand you wanting that life; You want that marriage, those kids, the family. But most importantly you need to have that person in your life that feels the same way you do. And it can’t be what was in your last relationship, trying to drag someone along, because I bet that was what it felt like sometimes. And at the same time going from a place in which talking about marriage, and then stepping back into the first stages of the relationship is very hard for anyone, and I’m sorry that happened to you. But here’s the catch… it is about moving forward, and moving on. It’s not about forgetting what happened, but putting yourself first, and realizing that life doesn’t end here. Who knows… you may find that person that fills your life, and fills his as well, and hoping down the line that your ex realizes, and comes to his senses about himself, and maybe that might happen as well. But in the mean time do what you need to do for yourself.
“Put yourself first, and people that truly love you, will fallow”
To answer your questions:
1. How do guys shut their emotions off so easily?
I think it depends on how they’ve grown up through their past. For me for instance, I’ve been the one that’s grown to custom of feeling my feelings, and expressing them. I’ve had to bring myself out of that whole, and get in touch with those feelings. Also having a mother that’s taught me those aspects, and have had a life long lesson upon 12 step meetings, and so forth with her. So in a way I’ve been brought up with having some ways to feel, and to analyze those feelings.
I feel faith also has some things to do with emotions, and how to deal with life as it comes. And to some degree I don’t think we shut down our emotions, but hide them, suppressing them, because it’s easer that way. Have you ever seen guys apologize to one anther? It’s easer for us to deal with an issue, because it’s not apart of expressing those feelings. And that’s where I think men have a hard time with emotions, because it’s a part of suppressing them, rather than putting ourselves into a position in which we become vulnerable.
Now for me those are my views, can’t talk in behalf of every male on earth, but that’s what I believe to be true on that subject.
2. How do you fall out of love so quickly?
That’s one thing I can’t really answer, because it depends upon faith, depends on who you are as a person, depends on how long the relationship was, and multiple other realms of thought.
3 How do you feel exes should act after a breakup?
Well… reading a lot on here, and dealing with what I’ve seen, and have felt. Time is an issue sometimes. Time to think things through. And each question that comes up like this usually results in answer of… giving them space, giving your partner/boyfriend/girlfriend some space in order to contemplate on what’s happened, and what needs to happen in the near future. Now that also depends on how long the relationship was. In your case, it must have been a long term, because of the marriage issue.
Now I guess my questions… How long was the relationship? And within the time frame, how long in the relationship did you start to talk about marriage? The reason I ask, is because I’m wondering if he thought it was going to fast, and that’s why he didn’t feel comfortable, and wanted to back up the relationship. I know if you start moving to fast in one direction, then there’s going to be some road blocks… That’s why having a strong friendship, and then moving into a relationship with steps along the way doesn’t make the other feel uncomfortable, and at that point you can really see, and find out who that person is.
i was just broken up with so I'm feeling the same thing..if he'd come back; so I asked him straight up if we'd ever have a chance again. and we came to the agreement that it could never be something serious. the connection just wasn't there anymore. I think you should ask him.
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No problem with the delayed response…. Yes it looks like from what you’ve said, it was a fast relationship, but on the other hand if feelings start to arise, then why not move forward? Each relationship is different as you know, and I know. But that doesn’t make you a bad person, and you shouldn’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong. I do feel like he should have said something, and that point, it does relate to what I’ve said… It’s the aspect of what guys do. It’s the suppressing their feelings, and not opening up to what the feelings are.
Now to answer your question… I’d hate to say it, but he could have been infatuated with idea, and when he saw things moving forward with the idea of marriage, then that could have been the stopping point right there, and then to top it off… it was his first relationship. First relationships usually don’t work out very well, because their not sure of what to do, and at that point, it’s very hard to say what your truly feeling, because of having to put yourself into that position in which it becomes vulnerable, and then feeling like you don’t want to hurt the other person. But that’s why communication is the key to understand both sides.
Did he truly have feelings for you? That I can’t answer…. Being infatuated with a person is having feelings for a person, but to what existent I can’t say. Only he could answer that question. But of course being in a relationship for 5 ½ months should say something in regards to feeling for someone.
So enough about him, but how are you doing? How are you dealing with the breakup? You must have loved him a lot enough to talk about marriage, feeling like he was the one for you. Because at the end of every relationship it’s not about one persons feelings, and wondering what the other person is doing, but it’s about you now, looking at your needs, and finding some grounding for you in this time of hurt…. Because I’m wondering if he’s calling you, and wondering how you’re feeling at this moment. Because that’s what breakups are… It’s time to have some time for yourself to look at what happened, but then there’s got to be some time in which you’ve figured out what happened, and call the other person, talk about what happened, and help them along, because that’s what friends are. Even if your in a relationship it’s not about boyfriend, and girlfriend, but it’s about having a best friend, and feeling something for them. It’s just a stronger friendship, and that’s why I believe each relationship should start out as great friends, because ultimately that’s what it is.
Yes, but it take time and realization, which could be months or years and even then there is no garentee that all of his emotions will return for you. Best advice, keep him as a friend to a point, like don't alway be there for him but like catch up every now and again, go for coffee chat up how your life has been going. Leave out any information about new boy friends for yourself and don't ask him about any new girlfriends of his. Re-building a friendship is the only way you can get into a relationship. Because a relationship is just a really good friendship, just with passion and physical attraction. Also improve upon yourself, make yourself look attractive, it will attract him back maybe, and maybe others who are better then him (Hard to admit but its true there might be a better guy out there).
Just so you know, me and my ex stilll care for eachother, the passion for each other might have died, but we still care, and it takes time to realize what you had and maybe the passion can comeback it just takes time.
Yes, I think there's hope, assuming nothing else is wrong...
You were his first, which has got to mean something special, especially since he went through most of his life without having a girlfriend.
Your goal for the time being should be to just have an amiable friendly relationship with him. Just try to patch up any hurt feelings and stay in his life, even if just as a friend for the time being. Tell him you don't expect anything.
Then, if he gives you a second chance, take things slower. Try to just see him once a week at first. Keep it easy and casual, and without the pressure or whirlwinds, you'll both get a better sense of if you two are meant to be together.
These are just suggestions, but I'm usually on your end so I don't know exactly what it's like to be him. Just trying to imagine...I think that guys are more likely to give second chances than girls are, but that may just be because I've never been on the other side.
I'm one to hit the eject button way too late in a relationship. I guess it's my optimism that things will get better or that awkward breakup conversation. When I have made up my mind, I'm sure it's over. There is no going back, no regrets. I may have issues with this years later when they come back into my life as well.
If she was a keeper, she's still be in the picture. I can see breaking up if it wasn't the right timing. Like we weren't at the same point in our lives. But that's not usually the case. Ex's are exs for a reason.
Its not entirely impossible. I broke up with a girl and started dating again after a few months, but couldn't get the previous girl out of my head. Didn't help she had a job where I heard her voice every weekday driving to work. ANyway, the sex was so amazing with her that I put aside all the fights we had and the fact that she was just a tad bit unstable and untrusting of men in general. I finally got fed up and broke it off...and it was a very emotional breakup for her, but I stayed stone wall and strong. We kept in touch. I started dating again, but the sex couldn't compete. I ended up going back to her for a few months before we were back to where we started. I still to this day MISS the sex we had...so yes you can get back together with an X...but be very careful, IMO get back togethers are thin ice to begin with.
I never had a girlfriend until I was 16 and dated the same girl for almost 5 years. I broke up with her 4 months ago because I felt I was missing out on different things and to know what dating other people is like. I still haven't dated and lately all I do is think about her and that maybe I made a mistake. We broke up because we agreed that if we're meant to be together that we will eventually get back together and that we should date others. Lately I just want her back. So to answer your question, yes it is totally possible to change your mind. In your case though, its up to him. Everyone is different and if he changes his mind and wants to be with you again, then that's great, but don't get your hopes up. You eventually have to move on. If you hold on to those feelings too long and he moves on, it'll hurt worse.
It depends on how extensive the arguments were first off, and how emotionally attached he is with you. Things may have clashed, because you two weren’t meant to be together (weren’t compatible) at that point. I’d give it some time, even if it’s been 6 months. In the mean time talk to him about what you’re feeling, but also move on to greener pastures, because there could be someone out their that’s more compatible.
You were his first girlfriend. It was a training ground. 6 months probably won't be enough for him. I'd say may-be in 6 years after he's gained more experience and he's still looking. May-be it might work out, but I wouldn't bet the house on it. Time to let go my dear and find someone that's a little more experienced in the relationship department.
Guys are typically creatures of logic more than emotion. Feelings don't go away but our logic will outweigh them. It's unlikely he'll ever come back. But honestly I've never known trying to again to go well. The fundamental issue of his lack of relationship experience is still there and 1 relationship with you won't fix that. Unfortunately you're most likely a stepping stone in his passage to better relationships.
sounds like me! my ex girlfriend left like about 6 months ago but I'm waiting and I hope both you and I get our exs back. so not fair that we have to feel like this for such a long time right?
Yeah, get in contact with him again. Guys don't just drop all feelings they have for a girl when they break up.
sometimes...mostly its because we get stressed when the girl gets clingy and makes it feel more like a business deal rather than a friendship...
seems like you were good practice for him. You at least have that.
he will come back. if he hadnt ever had a girl friend b4 he must have had some real fellings for you to date you. just let him cool down and thinka lil. he will.
He is probably looking to see that your still interested in him too!
After my boyfriend and I break up he calls me in the phone and say can we go out again.
I changed my mind three times...sigh...
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