Should I tell him to leave me alone?

[Anonymous]

Should I tell my boyfriend to leave me alone? I still call him my boyfriend because it hasn't hit me we're not officially together anymore and because he keeps talking to me. So of course I like that he is still talking to me, it shows that he misses me and I don't want him out of my life. I love him and I'm crazy about him. he's the only human being i like to be honest. But its bothering me how he finds it okay to still talk to me like a girlfriend but not want to actually be together. I understand why we can't be together right now which sucks a lot because as much as we want to make it work, its not the right thing to do at the moment. So now it's kind of like we're talking but not taking it seriously. I honestly dont think he is using me on purpose because he's lonely or whatever but this might be whats happening so he's innocent cause he doesn't know he's doing this. he's the one who broke up with me yet he's the one whos communicating the most. Like i said, I like how he keeps talking to me because I miss him and want him in my life and it shows he misses me too but at the same time, I don't want him to lead me on because he knows I love him and I'm just crazy about him so if he keeps talking to me like the way he's been talking to me, of course I'm going to be stuck on him. So what should I do? Should I go with the flow and we keep talking in hopes of getting back together or should I tell him to leave me alone completely? like cut off the contact 100%? and tell him to talk to me only when he's ready to get back together? I would choose the first option but only knowing that we will get back together and that he's not using me because I want him in my life. Or actually should I just ask him straight up why is he talking to me so much but doesn't want a relationship? I just dont want to come off as nagging.

[kristyle]

Sometimes you have to know when to let something go, even if for the moment. You both agree for the moment now is not the right time. If he loved you and had to make the decision due to a situation or whatever I'm sure his feelings didn't just die away and that is why he keeps talking to you like usual. It is almost like you both can't help what forced you apart.

I don't think you should give him ultimatum like that. However, if it is difficult for you to accept things the way they are maybe, you need more space. You have to make a choice as obviously it is affecting you. The choices are take a break from even the friendship and give each other space. Or remain his friend and I'm not sure what why he is talking to you that is the same but just let him know, since we are not in a relationship I prefer you don't talk in such and such a manner.

It is like you two are broken up but holding on making it not official, but it is official at the same time. Something has to change, and again you might need space. With space you never know if he meets someone else. But you two are holding and someone needs to let go if it is not going to be a relationship.

It would be great if you two want to be together just separate temporary and pick up again when everything is better, if possible.

[Asker]

Ideally what you said last is what I hope to happen but I have to see if he even plans on being with me for sure in the future

[mooky06]

You can always ask him straight up, in 2 ways. 1. Is there a reason why you don't want to be in a relationship with me? Will there be "us" again sometime in the near future?

2. Maybe we should cut contact and not talk to each other anymore

Now if you ask him number 1. And he says that yes you guys will be back together, you don't need to use number 2. But if he just wants to talk to you like nothing happened, then tell him number 2.

You will need to move on if he doesn't want a future with you, and the only way you can do that is by cutting communication from him.

[Asker]

Well when he did break up with me, he said maybe we will be together in the future. I don't know if thats the same thing as yet we will be back together. But maybe I should ask him straight up still if he wants to be together again in the future. Actually yeah I remember he did say if none of the things going on were happening then we would still be together.

But yeah I guess overall if he comes off as not wanting to be with me in the future then yeah I need to move on completely. It will be easier knowing he doesn't want to be with me for sure.

Otherwise do you think him talking to me like the way he has been shows he is using me or he misses me? If he's not using me then id be happy to still talk to him, basically have us on reserve for later.

[mooky06]

I'm unsure what you guys talk about to be honest.. When he said "maybe we will be together in the future" shows me that his just keeping you around.

[Asker]

really how does that show that?

[EllieLexis513]

Well, you already said you understand it's not the right time for you two to be together so it sounds lie you know why he isn't with you. I think what's bothering you is that you can't control that you aren't together. You're playing make believe in your head. If he doesn't want a relationship with you, then you have to tell him not to talk to you in certain way and stick with it, tell him to leave you alone, or keep talking like you are, but whatever you decide, you need to stick with it. The only thing men hate worse than nagging is a girl that plays games.

[Asker]

Yeah I think I know what to do. I just have to ask straight up why is he talking to me this way if we're not together? I like it so then why don't we just be together? I just fear losing him completely if I tell him to leave me alone cause truly thats not what I want to do. So you dont think him talking to me still doesn't mean he's using me? As long as he's not using me then sure we can talk here and there

[EllieLexis513]

I think you're giving him entirely too much power and he doesn't even know he has it. Distance yourself if you can't handle being in limbo. You don't have to ask him why he doesn't want a relationship because you already know why. No need beating a dead horse. Don't jump to respond to every text. Don't answer every phone call. Don't hang out with on a regular basis. Keep yourself busy. For me, I go to the gym for about an hour a day six days a week, and it kept me from clinging to my ex without me telling him I need distance. I just created the distance for myself. Take control. You sound like you're really over thinking this.

[Asker]

I just don't want to make a mistake by being flexible with him, talking to him when we're not together and basically prevent us from getting back together. Why would he want to get back with me if he already has communication from me? So thats the only reason why I'm holding back on talking to him casually. You said Im giving him too much power and pretty much said its okay if we do keep talking the way we are so i'm guessing in your opinion, its not a bad thing if we do keep talking? I guess I just wish there was a for sure answer that he won't be using me and if anything, itll make him get back with me.

[EllieLexis513]

It's not a bad thing if you keep talking, but only if you can handle it, which you clearly cannot. If you could, you wouldn't be thinking about it. You're basically telling me you don't mind putting you life on hold fo someone you aren't even sure will be with you again.

Plus, the phrase 'men like the chase' is completely true. My friend was like you when she and he boyfriend boke up and he was so over her communicating all the time. She stopped initiating convesation and didn't jump to talk to them all the time, LIKE I TOLD YOU TO DO, and he came crawling back three months later. Meanwhile, she was able to move on with her life and get herself together. They plan on getting married in a couple years.

Just do it. You'll be happier in the long run. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but in a year or so, you'll feel great regardless of the outcome.

[Asker]

Yeah I mean you're right about not being so easy and responsive but I also don't want to play hard to get cause guys hate that and he's the type of guy who won't deal with that bs. However, the difference between me and your friend is that Im not the one contacting him, he's the one who keeps contacting me, sending me stuff and all. So its not like he's gonna get tired of me responding to him. But I guess I shouldn't respond to him all the time. Overall tho, he's the one coming to me yet he's the one who broke up with me so he still likes talking to me and of course I like talking to him. But I dont want to be too available for him or else he's gonna think he can get me without the commitment but at the same time like I said before, I dont wanna play hard to get when I wanna talk to him too. I think I am just gonna keep the communication going but not too easy because I miss him but want him to make the effort to be with me again.

[EllieLexis513]

He contacted her, too. And it's not playing hard to get, it's called moving on with your life. I think you already know you need to tell him you need some space, but I also think you're looking for a way to still talk to him a lot without being attached and unfortunately, there isn't one. Distance yourself, keep yourself busy.