Do I tell his wife of our affair?

[Anonymous]

A colleague & I ended up involved with each other in an emotional/physical affair that started in February. He is married and has an 18 month old with her. (Please save the judgments/abuse here - I already know its all wrong and shouldn't have happened) It got very intense between us with him making comments about leaving his wife and asking if I am sure of my feelings for him & that I would stay with him for the rest of our lives if he did leave her, asking if I wanted kids etc and even saying once that he "wishes he was in a position to marry me" & things weren't so complicated.. He even asked his dad for advice. I didn't ever fully expect him to go through with it all but obviously hoped he might. In May after he'd done a lot of thinking on it, he told me he wasn't ready to start a new life again & didn't think he'd be able to cope with going through a divorce (he'd already had a messy divorce with his first wife, who he has a daughter with, who cheated on him and that caused severe anxiety which he takes medication for daily) I understood this & wanted to respect his decision as best I could. I asked him if he would ever tell his wife about us & his answer was no. he'd never tell her, he'd suffer the guilt himself, because he already knew she would never forgive him & that would be the end of them. I told him it's unfair, if I was in that position I would like to know the truth. I asked him if it was her committing the affair would he want to be told & he said he wouldn't, he'd rather live in ignorant bliss. I've toyed with telling her myself since that day - she's on facebok Since then things have sparked up between us a couple more times, with messages such as "I miss you" & flirting & a physical relationship at work. we were flirting recently, and he asked if we'd ever be capable of "just friends?" Anyhow, today I learned that two weeks ago his wife found out she was pregnant. Now I don't know what to do as its a strong reason not to tell her the truth?

[Anonymous]

I'm going to be blunt here; as the "homewrecker", you're not really in the position to be dictating the direction of HIS relationship with his wife; that is to say, you're the mistress, but just leave things at that. Don't complicate this affair any more by contacting his wife; otherwise, you're opening up a pandora's box there.

So, you asked him if he would ever tell his wife about the affair, and he said "no". That means, he doesn't want his wife to know. It's his relationship with his wife, NOT your relationship with his wife. So, it's on him whether his wife knows or not. Sure, I don't think it's right for this entire situation to have happened, and I don't think it's fair that the wife get played like that, but it's really not your call to make.

The main problem I see here is that both of you are so wishy-washy. You knew he was getting serious about this affair, yet you said you never "fully expected" him to go through with it. Also, with him, he was so gung-ho about leaving his wife, then after "thinking on it" he changed his mind... yet he still flirts and texts you. Both of you are all passion and only half commitment. You go all in with the passion and when reality hits you both, you get "scared" and back out.

You already know; both of you are terrible in the morality department (among several other life aspects). Knowing this, I strongly suggest to leave his business to him. Let him take care of his mess. Yes, you were the mistress, but that's all you were --you have no business to be approaching his wife.

[Katerina_Belle]

This bastard has his cake and ate it. He clearly played you, yeah right he was going to leave his wife... she's pregnant for goodness sake ofc he's been sleeping with her and you. This dude seems like a right tosser tbh if he really has been cheated on before then he knows the pain and wouldn't do it to anyone else. What's more is that he's still flirting with you like a cunt. His "just friends" means you be his side chick.

Don't fall for the emotional shit he's chatting to you. Although you was also at fault her, at least you admit your mistake - and this fucker probably knew exactly what to do and say to have you dancing at his tunes.

Now to answer your question: forget about him and his feelings, he clearly doesn't care if he despite being cheated on himself, he's now done it to his wife and child, and he wasn't ever serious about leaving his wife and child and getting with you - he's obviously been sleeping with his wife all along too which is why she's pregnant.

As one woman to another I think it's only fair you tell her truth - you're only helping her because "once a cheater, always a cheater" I'm pretty sure you're not the only woman he's been having an affair, or certainly won't be the last.

[7121uc]

She is only going to cause pain for the wife and children. She needs to mind her own business and let the wife discover the infidelity on her own.

[Katerina_Belle]

@7121uc I understand your point, I guess it depends on what kind of person the wife is really tbh like I would prefer to be told, when as some would prefer to find out.

[WoOolfy]

like HELL WOOOOOOOWWW !! She got pregnant again and You want to tell her now? Come oooon! Honey if You gonna tell anyone about it it will be after 9 month and star counting ! And ask Yourself why do You want to tell her so bad this. What You wanna say? " I did sleep with You're husband, sorry" ? Thik of why You want to do this and all the consequences, are You ready to turn apart a family with two little kids cause You feel like She should know? Are You ready to feel guilty for it? All the chaos it will bring upon all of You aaand the kids? Did You think of how hard the life of the mother will be if she decides to divorce him with two little kids and the problem of her beloved husband who cheated on her on her back? This is serious stuff and real people lifes here.
You need to answer this questions alone, I won't even say what I would do, this is a big thing and You need to figure it alone. One thing I will beg You to do if You figure out You want to tell her, do it after her pregnancy. Do not make her life turn to a living hell with a pregnancy involved in it. Take this 9 months to think about what You wanna do with this.

[bbch25]

He's a complete dick.
So not only is he cheating and talking about carrying the guilt... he's been through it before. So he knows how horrible it was to be cheated on and yet not only committed it, has an outright relationship practically with someone. And his reason for not owning up isn't guilt it's that he's pathetic and doesn't want her to leave!
Do I think she should know - yes. Do I think it should be him and not you that tells? yes. But I'd want to know, so do what you want. Be prepared to get your hand bitten off, but only do it if you can prove it.

But you need to steer clear. If you actually feel bad about this. If you continue the flirting and emotions etc, if doesn't come off like you actually feel bad for her anymore.

I feel sorry for her in this.

[Anonymous]

"(Please save the judgments/abuse here - I already know its all wrong and shouldn't have happened"

Why this? It wasn't wrong, and it happened because it should have happened, trust me.

" I told him it's unfair, if I was in that position I would like to know the truth. I asked him if it was her committing the affair would he want to be told & he said he wouldn't, he'd rather live in ignorant bliss. I've toyed with telling her myself since that day - she's on facebok"

That is a phenomenally dishonest, vindictive idea. Respect yourself and leave such idea.
There's never peace in the world because of things like this (telling his wife "truth").

[DearLife]

What kind of bullshit is that? She slept with a married man. That's wrong.

[Opinion Owner]

@DearLife And you couldn't say this in a comment of your own, could you?

[DearLife]

No. That's makes no fucking sense.

[MargaritaPeach]

I'd say that it's his place to tell her; not yours. When you get involved with someone who you know is already spoken for, broken hearts, loneliness, betrayal, being the 'side chick', and staying discreet and trusting his judgement in regards to his marriage are all part of the package. It's not pretty, and it's not always fun, but it's part of the deal you signed up for when you decided to sleep with another woman's husband rather than choosing a single guy. Now all you can do is put on your big girl panties and move on. Find a single guy who will be dedicated to you, and let your lover tend to his wife and kids.

[EllieLexis513]

It's really none of your business. It's not your marriage. You interfered enough and it's time you mind your own business. He should tell her, don't get me wrong, but it's really not your place to say anything to her. Plus, with her being pregnant, that's extra stress she doesn't need.

[EllieLexis513]

Honestly, you sound extremely bitter that he didn't pick you and that you want to ruin his marriage because he chose to stay with his wife.

[Katerina_Belle]

Why do girls always blame the other girl and not the man that actually cheated...

[EllieLexis513]

@Katerina_Belle I believe I specifically said he should tell his wife and he's wrong for not doing it. And she is to blame partially. Takes to 2 to tango. But it's not her marriage.

[7121uc]

@Katerina_Belle. She is right, she needs to leave this couple alone.

[Katerina_Belle]

I just think the asker of this question is getting a lot of hate - I don't think she's bitter that he chose his wife, if anything probably hurt and guilty. And yeah ofc it's her fault too, she knew and she decided to do that to another woman - but I also think he knows his game well.

However, do you think it is right that this cheater can get away with it? That despite cheating and telling this woman that he loves her, wants to marry her and blah blah blah and yet there he is getting his wife pregnant...

[bradlazer]

I agree with you 100%

[EllieLexis513]

@Katerina_Belle For the last time, since you refuse to read my comment, I said he should tell her but AGAIN, it's not her business. Her feelings don't matter because it's not her marriage.

[Katerina_Belle]

I read your comment but it's invalid because he won't tell his wife - there's no point factoring in what won't happen.

Anyway, the issue you somehow still evaded to address is that you're hating on the asker, and I repeat because you failed to read what I wrote: I don't think she's bitter that he chose his wife - because he is still sending her flirty texts and says I miss you and a physical relationship... he hasn't stopped and reformed himself, he just decided he doesn't want to divorce his wife but still wants to cheat from the looks of it.

[thatgirlaroundhere]

Tell her she has the right to know. A guy that cheated on his wife doesn't have that right to take it away from her. She should know. The ignorance is bliss is bull. He would do it again. Even if he felt guilt. He did it once why not again? Don't let this women go through life knowing someone she gave herself to isn't faithful to her. she's pregnant, and you're here messing with a married man. You don't know what you could have contracted from this affair. Messaging him is making it worst on her then it is on you. She needs to know. She has to know.

[Nurse_lady]

Considering you're just as guilty as he is, that's a choice you have to make for yourself. Had you not known he was married and then found out AFTER, it would be a whole different story. I've had guys try messaging me inappropriate comments on social media and you know what I did? I screenshot that sucker and sent it right to their wife. I don't believe in being unfaithful to someone you "love." She has a right to be pissed at both you and him. And honestly, his wife deserves WAY better.

[Anonymous]

Tell her. I found out when I was pregnant too, and I was grateful I found out.
He's even worse than other cheats because he saw what it did to him then he went out and did it himself while there is a kid involved. And now a second child.
They might work it out for the sake of the kids, but she should still know. Sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

It's not your place. Why do you want to ruin their marriage now? He won't thank you. He'll only hate you, and she will be left looking after two children on her own.
You won't just be breaking up a marriage, you'll be breaking up a family.

She will find out, but you need to stay out of their marriage. It's got nothing to do with you.
Stop being so damn selfish, grow up and walk away.

[Dog19]

Don't tell, walk away and pretend nothing happened. Why? I'll tell you a story about a black man who was married then killed the woman he got pregnant.

[Anonymous]

It's not like he'll want you after you ruin his marriage. You knew he was married so you really should just leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

I've been where you are. I know it hurts. But do yourself a favor and move on. Find a nice man that will make you a priority.

[666threesixes666]

don't forget to get pregnant first.

[Anonymous]

He should be the one to tell his wife.

[bcromartie]

Do whatever you want.

[Anonymous]

DO NOT TELL!