Should I tell this man’s wife about his affair?

[Ninjazzed]

Doesn’t she at least deserve to know that her husband is a cheater? That he blames their children every day for their lack of intimacy?
I found out this man I was going out with turned out to be married and we had to recently stop talking due his busy schedule but now that I know the truth, I feel simply awful about it.. it will probably ruin my relationship with him but at least his wife would know her husband isn’t as wonderful as she thinks he is.

[Jesibel]

That's kind of a tuff one. There's that saying "every darkness comes to light" and "the truth always comes out eventually". But that's not always accurate. The first question you should ask yourself is are you truly wanting to tell the guys wife cuz you feel in your heart that would be the right thing to do or is it possibly your doing so as a back for lying an deceiving? I agree the wife should know what a cheating dirt bag her husband is but it's still a situation that should be handled with the utmost care. My only advice is that you put yourself in the wife's shoes, would you want to know. If you do decide to spill the beans make sure your calm and polite and explain you hadn't any knowledge of him being married and do be very apologetic and let her know you hate having to come and tell her anything of the situation but if you were in her shoes you'd wish someone like you would shed the light on what she is in the dark about. And make sure to completely write this guy out of your life for good. I wish you the best. And always remember never act on anything in the heat of a moment instead steady yourself and stop to think, analize, and access a situation fully before reacting cuz 9 times out of ten a bad situation could blow up in our face and turn into something even worse.

[Ninjazzed]

He claims his wife cheated first but I don't know how true that is..

[Jesibel]

That's just an excuse to make his actions somehow ok in your eyes. But two wrongs don't make a right and if it were true why did he stay with his wife if he wasn't going to be able to get over it. So he can get revenge then it's just a vicious cycle. Anyways... he's lied to you and mislead you once already so best believe he'll do it again. Treat everything he says as lies. And do on to others you'd want done to you. So If you'd want to know if you were in her shoes then you should same something. Whether she chooses to listen to you or believe you after you inform her of her husband's infidelity that's on her. But you won't have that guilt weighing on your mind or your heart cuz you'll know you did what you felt was right. What the wife chooses to do with the information is truly on her.

[Seinna]

Definitely tell her... don't forget, he mislead you as well.

[razelove]

I wouldn't. There's been a couple times I found out I was with women who were married. Simply cut off that relationship, all forms of contact, and leave it at that. Especially if they have kids.

It isn't just about you "doing the right thing" which is total bs, you'd be doing it out of spite. You get involved there, no one's going to be saying thank you or having any moments of enlightenment, chances are they won't believe you.

Even if she did believe you, a stranger coming up saying you were having sex with her husband, you don't know if she already knows. Even if she does believe you, you share some moment of sisterhood, or whatever, you're going to get subpoenaed for both divorce and family court, as well as any appeals.

[Ninjazzed]

So in other words.. you're saying.. "what she doesn't know won't hurt her."

Either she finds out sooner or later. And I'm perfectly okay with that. Or she may decide to handle it herself.

[Ninjazzed]

So basically just say you don't give a shit about him cheating on his wife and probably will continue to cheat for the foreseeable future.

[Ninjazzed]

If she doesn't believe me with text evidence and plenty of dating site evidence then that's on her.. she'd be the one willing to stay with a cheater.. it's her decision, not mine.. I just want her to be aware of the situation because she will be grateful in the future for not having caught an STD from him.

[Prideful]

To be honest it's crazy the so many reasons why we (all) can end up in prison. I freacking hate this machine-driven system.

[razelove]

In both your cases no one forced you to use a dating app, get close, have unprotected sex, and not inquire about each other's background in the first place.

You weren't that involved to begin with, let it go. You don't care about her, or him that much, you care that it's a situation where you seem foolish. Reverse it to what I had said, you have a casual relationship that develops with someone and find out they're married. When I had that happen with women I just cut ties. I saw women involved with married men try many other approaches and end up poorly.

Also in the US you can really only end up in prison for adultery if you're in the military.

[Ninjazzed]

You’re jumping to a lot of conclusions here so that only leads me to believe you didn’t actually read the entirety of what was written.

Nobody forced me to use a dating app? Are you implying it’s MY fault for using a widely accessible platform, that WASN’T an affair platform I might add.. also, you’re not holding him accountable for lying in the first place. I never said I had unprotected sex. Where are you gathering this information? I said he could possibly end up fucking someone without protection and pass something onto his wife. Reevaluate your comment.

You don’t think that was the first thing that was discussed? Also, if you willingly decide to advertise yourself as a single man, you’re only asking for trouble. You don’t know me or my intentions. I have been in the same situation because I’ve been cheated on before and it’s a sticky situation that I would prefer not to cause or contribute to any damage.. I never said we would marry or even remotely hinted to us being serious.. but I at least expected him to meet me halfway instead of shooting a line of shit in the process.

[Jessica405]

You are wrong. If Ninja does not tell the wife what has happened, and someone else tells her, it will implicate Ninja in the conspiracy to cheat, whereas she is the innocent one, that has been cheated on, too.

[EmbraceThePain]

1000% tell her


It’s the honest, HUMAN, right, and MORAL thing to do.


After that, you’ve done all you’re obligated to do,


let them figure it out.


If she forgives him, so be it.


If they talk it out, so be it.


If the family suffers for it, then so be it.
They’ll suffer either way, but at least they’ll have the truth.

[Jessica405]

Deserved MHG!

[coachTanthony]

----------------Why would you care that it ruins your relationship with him? As if he deserves one after knowing all of this. I don't know if it's your place to tell her but I would for sure stay the hell away from that guy. Most people who try and do the right thing by telling someone usually gets burned.

~Coach T Anthony @thedatecoach IG

[Ninjazzed]

I just told you it didn't matter. Only matters that she has the information and whatever she decides to do from there is her business and hers alone.. I can only tell her the truth in the matter.

[natured]

I think it's better for her to find out herself, and trust me, she will, sooner or later everything comes out.
If I where you I would leave HIM and the whole situation and move on. You didn't know, so you're not at fault here, you where tricked. Let Karma bite his ARSE.
You should focus on yourself and let people meet their own fate. Because how do you know how her reaction will be?
Maybe she will blame YOU and protect him, trust me I know women that did that. So you will look like a complete FOOL, and she might even do drastic things to you so, just let them handle each other.

[Ninjazzed]

Well she is ridiculously in love with this guy lol even after 8 years of marriage and kids.. He's a good guy in terms of his personality, maybe not morally.. lol the ruined relationship thing seems to really bother him though, and trust me.. I've already went my separate ways with him due to our different schedules.. I highly doubt she will ever find out because she is clueless lol they go on family vacations, family events, etc.. she has no idea lol.

[Ninjazzed]

I have evidence he was lurking around on dating sites so not sure how she thinks it would work in his favor and not mine lol

[Lorewolf447]

This is not a man you want a relationship with. If he will cheat on his wife with you, imagine what he will do if you two were to marry. His wife deserves to know the truth and you deserve someone better. I say get in contact with her and provide her proof of his infidelity. You two are both victims in this and should unite as one in this. She's going to be hurt, no doubt and she will either work with you against him or she will react very negatively to you despite you being forthcoming and a victim in this. Either way you will have clear conscience and can say you did the right thing.

[Ninjazzed]

Well, he's already made it clear that he's afraid of divorce due to losing everything and ruining his kids' relationships.. It's just something he has to figure out on his own because I don't feel comfortable with contributing to hurting his wife.. It's simply due to lack of sex.. that's the only reason he cheated, as well as claiming his wife cheated first but who knows? She's so happy with her family so I'm sure it would crush her more than it would crush him..

[Lorewolf447]

I don't care what it was a lack of. If he was afraid of divorce then he should have thought of that before cheating. There is never a good reason for cheating, plain and simple. And really? He claims his wife cheated? He's already proven untrustworthy by cheating on his wife and lying to you about his relationship status, why believe his words about his wife's supposed infidelity? Yes she is going to be crushed but she has a right to know about her husbands infidelity. She is going to find out regardless, the truth always comes out some how and some way. You have a moral obligation to tell her and at least be a decent person. Otherwise if she finds out in some other manner, well you're just as bad as her husband, because a lie of omission makes you a guilty partner rather than a victim of this man's lies.

[MissGeorgia]

It depends if you are actually concerned about his parter, or if it’s a case of you not liking the fact that he is in love with someone else.
Do you want him to come running to you if his marriage or whatever he is in goes wrong?

It’s not really your place to tell her... his family is none of your business... and you need to ask yourself if it’s the mere jealousy of someone else having him that is making you feel this way.

[Ninjazzed]

Oh no, it would never work between us.. he has two young kids and doesn't want anymore.. I just feel bad about his clueless wife who absolutely adores him.

[Ninjazzed]

He made it my business when he didn't tell the truth so I mean? He's never going to tell her and she deserves to know. What leads you to that conclusion?

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Definitely worth telling her, in my opinion.

Plus, don't care about your relationship with this guy. He's not worth you - or his wife and kids.

He should've put more thought into his life before having kids.

[Ninjazzed]

According to him, he tried to convince his wife not to have kids earlier on. No idea. He claims it wasn't on purpose.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

Lol, "oops I accidentally didn't ever use a condom and creampied you".

[Ninjazzed]

Something like that lol

[Dazed0N0Confused]

She has every right to know & the last thing you want is to be with a cheater. Fuck this asshole.

[Ninjazzed]

I don't wanna be someone who cheats on his wife yet also blames his kids for his lack of sex life.. and justifies his actions by saying his wife cheated first..

That's just morally corrupt.. he claims I was the first person he cheated on his wife with but I don't know what to believe anymore.. I'm sure it will destroy a family but it's up to her to either forgive him or leave him.. I'm sure it will only drive them further apart.

[Dazed0N0Confused]

That's not on you, but you should tell her & let her decide what's right for her & her family.

[backdoorman]

Personally I would not want it on my conscious that I played a hand in destroying his marriage. There are children involved, too.

[Ninjazzed]

I've thought about that, yes. But think of what would happen if he continued to do it and she eventually caught an STD or found out he was wining and dining over 10 different women during the course of their marriage? Which do you think will do more damage?

[Seinna]

Whut? How is this suddenly her fault for destroying their marriage if he literary 1) cheated on his wife and 2) deceived her making her believe that he was single? Let's not push the blame on the outsider, he is still the one responsible for whatever happens.

[backdoorman]

@Seinna I never said anything about it being her fault (it's not), nor did I tell her what she should do. I only shared my own personal concerns about saying something to the spouse if I were in her shoes, which is what I thought she asked for.

I have been in a similar situation as her, except no kids and I knew she was married. But I was 15 at the time and she was in her 30s. Later I felt bad about it and thought about whether I should tell her husband, but I didn't because I didn't want it to haunt me that their marriage might have survived her infidelity except for me outing her.

Again, I'm not judging her or telling her what she should do, only sharing my own reasons why I personally probably wouldn't say anything.

@Ninjazzed I know what you mean and it's a definitely a valid concern. But there are a lot of "ifs" there. You have to do what you feel good about. That's really all that matters because you are the one who will have to live with your choices.

[SuhRaw]

Mind your business. Bottom line. She may know what he's doing but let's It go for whatever reason. All your going to do is stir up strife and ill feelings towards you. Think of the damage your can cause and if not how are you going to feel when they still are together as nothing ever happened. Just mind your business.

[Ninjazzed]

Mind my business? That's bullshit. He made it my business when he tried to pass off as a single man.

His wife doesn't know, obviously.. otherwise he wouldn't have tried to be secretive about it. And you don't know the full gravity of the situation.

Which would cause more damage? His wife being freed from a cheater and having joint custody of the kids versus being ate up with an STD in the future and potentially finding out about his several different affairs.. do you think she will want him then? Even when they share kids? Going by your logic, she should just wait until she's crushed to the max from the weight of all of his affairs?

[SuhRaw]

Mind your business.

[SuhRaw]

That's all you got to do

[Ninjazzed]

I have zero respect for cheaters, sorry. He doesn't deserve to get off that easily.

[SuhRaw]

I DO NOT
GET INVOLVED
IN DOMESTIC AFFAIRS.
YOU'RE ASKING FOR TROUBLE
MIND YOUR BUSINESS. DO YOU WANT SOMEONE TO TELL ON YOU? THINK ABOUT IT.

[SuhRaw]

Mind your business

[Ninjazzed]

If you do shitty things then you deserve to get called out on it. It is WRONG, no matter how you look at it. I will have to tell her anonymously, she deserves to know the truth because she truly believes that he is 100% honest with her... She will be grateful to know that she was married to someone who stepped out on their marriage for an affair..

[es20490446e]

Losing a relationship with a cheater? Is that what you are afraid to lose?

[Ninjazzed]

No? I literally just stated I didn't care if I lost it over to telling his wife the truth?

[designer1]

Honestly, yes. I feel like you should because not only did he deceive you, he deceived his whole family. She should know. If my husband did this to me, I’d want to know.

[exitseven]

You should cut off all contact with this guy but I am not sure about telling his wife.

[Ninjazzed]

Done and done.

[beebella]

Yeah, go ahead. It doesn't sound like he really wants to be family man anyway.

[Ninjazzed]

No, he is 100% a family man.. He takes his kids to baseball tournaments every weekend and pretty much sacrifices everything for them.. his marriage is just sexless due to all of the responsibility.. he’s only holding on for the kids.. but he blames them for not having a great relationship with his wife.

[Ninjazzed]

But I figured we’re pretty much done talking because he told me he wanted to end things on a good note to reconnect in the future due to his busy schedule currently.. but then I found out the truth.. so now I’m conflicted at keeping him in the clear and keeping it a secret or telling his wife the truth?

[beebella]

All the time that he was spending with you was time that he could've been spending with his wife, so I don't know how he thinks the kids are the blame for his sexless marriage.
I think you should tell his wife or at least give him the old "If you don't, I will" routine.

[Ninjazzed]

I have no idea, he will probably never tell her though. He became very distant so I’m not sure if he will even read my texts, much less accept my ultimatum.

[beebella]

If this situation didn't involve you at all, then I'd probably tell you to stay out of it. But you are involved, so I think you do get to say/do something about this. I would try to figure out a way to tell her.

[Ninjazzed]

It definitely involved me.. and if he does it with someone else, he could end up giving his wife an STD or worse..

[anylolone]

The cuck is the last to know and the least likely to believe.

Unless you have hard evidence and do it anonymously, just don't.

[Ninjazzed]

I was planning on doing in anonymously anyway, I have screenshots.

[anylolone]

Well, then it's your choice.

[Floppy2112]

Yeah, she deserves to know. Don't be surprised if she denies it though. It's difficult news to accept. But, yeah, she should know. What she does with the info is up to her.

[Brianbrake]

Just walk away, his wife will find out about it someday

[Shy_Steve]

You can , But they are both going to hate you i think.

[Ninjazzed]

I don't care lol I'm sure his wife will be grateful.

[spartan55]

I don't know about that. You have a bunch of people here advising you not to tell her...

[Ninjazzed]

@spartan55 Well, there's a greater amount of people telling me to let her know the situation so you do the math.

[spartan55]

@ninjazzed
I'm not sure why you are so hell bent on being the voice of morality here... so many things can go wrong, and what do you get if it doesn't? The payoff is nothing. I'm starting to think
@itmeltsme1989 might be on to something.

[spartan55]

@ninjazzed
Greater amount of people telling you to do it? You must be reading a different thread because it looks pretty even from here. You clearly had your mind already made up before you even posted this.

[Ninjazzed]

@spartan55 No, it just means you’re a massive shithead to side with someone urging me to let him comfort his wife with a lie that he 100% involved me in.

[spartan55]

Massive shithead... okay... wtf are you even talking about? comforting her with a lie that involved you... I never said I wanted him to skate, that's not what I said. He deserves to be found out. Interesting how those that recommend you don't tell her are getting all sorts of insults and venom. I don't think anyone here wants to see him get away with it. You just assume that for some reason. Very weird..
Like several said the risk reward is very lopsided. For you to think his wife will appreciate you telling her is so naive.

[spartan55]

This is what will happen in my scenario. You send the screenshots and all that and then... nothing... He explains it all away with lies and on they go...

[spartan55]

I know you are hoping your little plan will get her to divorce him right into your arms. It's pretty apparent. But she won't leave him, believe it.

[Ninjazzed]

@spartan55 Divorce him right into my arms? Wtf are you talking about? You’re just pulling this shit out of your ass at this point. I don’t want someone who cheats on their wife lmao much less, someone who lies about it and waits until the other person finds out to come clean?

[Ninjazzed]

@spartan55 Obviously there are several people urging me to let him skate and let him walk free by telling me not to get involved when the damage is already done? He already involved me.

[Ninjazzed]

@spartan55 He can’t explain shit if his pictures are plastered all over a dating site lmao who else would do that? He couldn’t make an excuse for that.

[Ninjazzed]

@spartan55 My plan is to get her to divorce him for being a massive asshat for even thinking it was a good idea in the first place to trick someone into thinking they were single.

[spartan55]

Wow, you are all kinds of bitter, and rightfully so. Good luck with the big reveal.

[Hotboy_booblover]

No I think if u still have the chance just walk away if u donot aspire to become a keep.. all men are like that including me

[Ninjazzed]

Huh? Don’t you think she deserves to know? He’s already hurt her in more ways than one, the truth will always come to light.. sooner or later.

[Ninjazzed]

No, not all men are like that. He never cheated on his wife for the entirety of their marriage until now because he was sexless for two years.. first time we had sex, he could barely get a boner because of his nerves.. I knew something was wrong.

[Hotboy_booblover]

That won't do ay good for you.. does it matter?

[Ninjazzed]

Because it’s WRONG.. it goes against my moral code. I didn’t agree to this at all.

[spartan55]

You mentioned an ultimatum in another thread... why would you be getting into all that? Is some of this motivated by the hope that she divorces him?

[Ninjazzed]

No? I was replying to someone that literally brought up an ultimatum? Did you even read the whole thing? Did you even read the question? This dude never told me he was married until I found out and confronted him on it.

[Ninjazzed]

So do you think the better thing to do is let his wife not know she’s married to a cheater?

[spartan55]

I think she should know. But I think the smart thing to do would be to let her know anonymously somehow.

[spartan55]

How long were you with this guy? How did you find out he was married?

[Ninjazzed]

It was only a few months.

[Ninjazzed]

Obviously I did a background check on him.

[spartan55]

Sounds like you did that background check a bit too late...🙄

[Ninjazzed]

Probably so but he should have been honest

[spartan55]

Of course he should have, but that's not how cheaters operate.
Was he good at hiding it, or were just oblivious?

[Ninjazzed]

Obviously he was good at hiding it, but then he slowly became distant so who knows? Maybe he felt some remorse for his actions.. We hung out on the weekends sometimes and even had dinner on his lunch break without her ever finding out.

[DWornock]

You damn snitch. A snitch is worse than a son-of-a-bitch. A son-of-a-bitch inherits his condition while a snitch cultivates his.

[Ninjazzed]

No? Because he was a liar? I never consented to an affair you idiot. Read it again.

[Ninjazzed]

Why would I let a cheater get off the hook?

[DWornock]

YOu are just a damn snitch.

[Ninjazzed]

And you’re a stupid piece of shit who has little empathy for someone’s wife that is getting hurt in the process.

[DWornock]

Snitches are evil people. She is not going to appreciate your telling her. Therefore, your plan that after you snitch, she will put the pussy on you is going to fall flat.

[Ninjazzed]

No? She will appreciate me telling her because her husband kept it from her as a secret? Are you pretending to be stupid or are you literally that stuipid?

[he-takes-a-part]

Notice the timing and your relation with him you could have told the very moment he approached. But you enjoyed first.

[Ninjazzed]

What? That... makes no sense?

[he-takes-a-part]

Thought of telling the truth came when you got bored of enjoying with him
So thats not doing justice completely

[Ninjazzed]

No? I literally just found out? Did you not read the question?

[ItsMeItsMe1989]

Probably. But, it might also be because YOU have an ulterior motive

[Ninjazzed]

An ulterior motive because I was lied to and didn't consent to an affair? Reevaluate your stupid comment. You would feel the same way in the situation.

[ItsMeItsMe1989]

like i said, i guarantee you, that you have an ulterior motive

[Ninjazzed]

No? I just feel like he took advantage of me and his wife was shamefully deceived into believing he was off hanging out with friends or running errands in his leisure time. Obviously nobody would need an ulterior motive to know that this is morally wrong and want to tell their wife.

[ItsMeItsMe1989]

No, you have an ulterior motive. I GUARANTEE IT

[Ninjazzed]

You're making bold, unhinged assumptions here but whatever.. I'm clearly talking to someone who would conscientiously make the wrong decision.

[ItsMeItsMe1989]

You sound like a trump supporter. and you probably are

You are a ninkampoof, and a true, idiot

[HeelyGod25]

Trump? Wtf?

Jesus, you are sorely confused and misled. I think the entire point of you rambling on their question in the first place was to parrot a political statement. So you’d be completely okay with the cheater’s fling staying silent about it? What if it was your wife?

Don’t even bother commenting further, you’re only announcing your ignorance.

[ItsMeItsMe1989]

Ok, parrot

[ArztSchlachthof]

Tell her. It's the right thing to do.

[sponge-bob]

why do you still have a relationship?

[Ninjazzed]

I don’t, we pretty much don’t talk anymore because of his schedule.. so I figured it was over anyway.. then I found out about his wife.. so now I feel obligated to tell her.

[sponge-bob]

but you said "it will probably ruin my relationship with him"

[Ninjazzed]

Yes, as we stopped talking for reasons being that we’re unable to see each other.. but telling his wife matters more to me.

[Inexpensivefurniture]

I think you should tell her. She deserves to know

[Iron_Man]

Yes she has the right

[Sketti2021]

I'd tell her and give her proof

[Wise4myage]

Tell her anonymously.

[Sabretooth]

you know have a responsibility to so.

[Luckycharms12]

I'd say no

[Ninjazzed]

Explain.

[Luckycharms12]

It's not right what he done or doing. but you could break up a marriage and hurt kids with that information

[Ninjazzed]

He’s only in the marriage because he doesn’t want to deal with divorce court.. he’s afraid of being fucked over and losing custody of his kids I assume.. but it’s wrong and his wife deserves to know the one she’s married to is a frequent cheater.

[Ninjazzed]

The truth hurts sometimes.. but wouldn’t you want to know if your partner was cheating on you?

[Luckycharms12]

Different when kids involved. For all you know they could be together for them but yes he not nice fella

[Ninjazzed]

He’s actually a sweet guy and pretty much sacrifices everything for his wife and kids but he just got tired of it. The first time we had sex, he couldn’t really stay erect and he blamed it on his nerves so I found that very suspicious.

[msc545]

Stay out of this. You aren't the police.

[Ninjazzed]

Um, I never implied that I was? And stay out of it?

Pretty sure he deliberately sucked me into it. Get a grip.

[msc545]

There is absolutely no advantage to you in doing this and there is some risk. Don't do it - he might come after you later.

[Ninjazzed]

He can’t come after me lol he knows nothing about me.

[Ninjazzed]

And wrong, at least I will have the piece of mind knowing I brought it to light.

[msc545]

Do what you want but be careful of revenge.