Am I still a gold digger, even if I feel guilty when he spends money on me?

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I'm in a relationship. He's a great guy--intelligent, respectful, trusting, protecting, and determined. He has a great job. His internship pays him $14 an hour. My boyfriend likes to pay for my meals when we go out. I have a job too and make $10.20 an hour. *Note, I was with him BEFORE he worked at all, but our relationship was boring because I had to pay for him--which he didn't like, so we rarely went anywhere!!* Also, I had my current job when we met!!

I feel strange just accepting this free food. He told me not to feel like I owe him anything, when he pays. A few days ago I treated him out to Asian food. I just felt so awful since he paid for me about 4 times prior. Here is the catch... I paid for my own stuff BEFORE he got this job. Since I feel guilty and love him as a person, am I still a gold-digger? How do I stop feeling guilty when he spends money on me? HELP!

Yes, you're still using his money!! (If so, how do I speak up and stop letting him pay all the time?)

No, because you love him too ! You were with him before his job!

No, because you feel guilty and you're not making him buy you clothes/jewelry.

Updates

+1 y

He will be an Engineer one day... does that make me a FUTURE gold-digger? I will either be a Youth Care Worker or School Counselor. I believe that currently I am NOT a gold-digger... because we don't get paid THAT different in amount. But one day he will make $80,000 and I'll make $20,000-$40,000!!!

[Bobba_Fett]

Honestly, I came here to blast a gold digger. I hate em.
But you're not a gold digger.

If you really feel that bad for it, reciprocate in other less monetary ways.
Bake him little treats, back rubs, whatever you like to do for him.

You feel guilty because you feel like you're not holding up your end of the relationship agreement. But part of that agreement is that you two are partners, and one person will always be stronger in one area then the other. You'll feel less guilty when you see that you give too.

Example: You may not got it in the bank, but he couldn't sew a button on to save his life. So he buys the button and you sew it on. And the duvet is saved.
As crappy as that example is, you can see the contributions are equal to the success of the goal.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Thanks!! The weird thing is that I am pretty traditional too... but I feel guilty for wanting to accept this. My Dad always told me to be independent... maybe even in relationships. My cousin doesn't work much and is with a man who makes a lot. It's her 3rd marriage.

I'm not even a feminist :( ... but I am acting like one!! :(

[Bobba_Fett]

I don't know about feminism, but you sound like a good woman to me. You see what not to do in your cousin, you know what to do from you Dad. Sometimes knowing what not to do is as important as knowing what to do. Plus, its kinda my way to fuss over a woman and make her feel special when I keep her fed and warm, I'm a provider. You gotta let a man provide, or we start feeling useless.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Thank you.

[Aizou]

I don't see where the "gold-digging" part comes in. Being a gold-digger means you're only with him for his money, and more than likely leave him, if he were to lose said money.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrjfD4GA8sk

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I wouldn't leave him for that reason... IF we ever did break up. It would probably be because he did something awful like (lying about something MAJOR or CHEATING)

[BuchitaBuchys]

That's not gold digging lol
But you should offer to split the bill more often.

I know my exes hated that. Like wtf? I made slightly more money than them, and they'd still be like "no, I'm the man, I'll pay."
I remember with my recent ex, I had FINALLY convinced him to let me pay, then the old lady waitress goes to him and gives him the check. And asks "how will you be paying honey?" And he got all embarrassed. And got mad at me in the car "do you know how bad that made me look? Wtf man."

But eventually I got him to continue letting me pay and he didn't care about the awkward stares.

[BuchitaBuchys]

Ignore most of these men lol they think women are gold-diggers even if we date a homeless man.
"Well, I bet she wants to take his cardboard box". Lol

Their victim mentality is strong.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Lol... don't worry... they're just joking around! I bet these guys are feminists LOL?

[BuchitaBuchys]

Sadly, some are not.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Oh...

[samhradh_leannan]

Letting someone spend money on you when they want to doesn't make you a gold digger. Being a gold digger means intentionally seeking situations where money will be spent on you/ choosing people based on how much money they have. However, if you feel uncomfortable allowing him to pay for your meals, tell him that and explain that you'd prefer to pay for yourself more often.

[Relentless_Hippie]

I don't think you know what a gold digger actually is. A gold digger is with a man solely for his money.

Just because he enjoys treating his woman like she's actually his woman doesn't mean you're a gold digger.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I don't think I knew either. I guess modern society kind of messed with me... as if I NEED to show my independence. Unfortunately, I'm somewhat traditional. I like when my man takes care of me/takes me out. I just feel so guilty, because I've never found such a great guy before... and he keeps taking me to fancy restaurants. Do you think maybe I feel like I don't deserve this "special, but normal" treatment? :/

[Relentless_Hippie]

That's exactly what I think it is. You sound like one of my dad's friends. At first he was interested in her romantically but after getting to know her they were better off as friends. He'd take her to dinner and movies honestly just regular stuff and she freaked out. She was used to thuggish type guys that used her for a place to stay etc. She literally told him she never had someone be that nice to her and it was strange. I think you're experiencing the same feelings.

It was different for me when I met my boyfriend. He'd open doors, carry everything, and pay for our meals. He's the only boyfriend I've ever had so at least for me I idea of how to be treated wasn't skewed. You sound like you've got yourself a good guy, just take care of him, love him, and appreciate him for everything. You guys are fine and you're in no way a gold digger.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Thanks!!! Lol yeah... the other guys were NOT that great. With them, we wouldn't date, just hang out... lol So before my boyfriend actually got a job--it was "my" normal. I need to stop feeling bad. It's nice that he is this way!! I appreciate him--I just wonder why he likes me. :/ I think I have low self esteem. My Dad doesn't even think I'm this great! I don't go out to eat with my Dad much at all (only as a kid/teenager!)... and if I did... I wonder if I would pay for myself?

I feel so confused. Should I sit back and relax? I just felt so bad last time, so I paid for both of us--but it didn't make me feel good. He told me not to feel like I owe him anything... for his generosity. Drawing and writing things for him makes me happy... maybe this can be my input. Why do I feel this way?

[Relentless_Hippie]

It's because it's something you're not used to and that's perfectly okay. Understand he loves you for you and even if you can't see it he thinks you're amazing. It's your job to take care of him and his job to take care of you. He's doing what he can, all you can really do is show him how much you appreciate him and do little things he really enjoys as well. I guess you guys could take turns paying for things, or if he's not really into that then just shower him with love. I like to bake and you like to draw. You could do those things, give him massages, cook for him, just simple things like that. Or if he's into video games etc you could get him little gifts. That might help you feel better because you're treating him while he treats you.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Again, thanks so much! You would make a great relationship counselor! :)

[Relentless_Hippie]

Haha thank you! :) Good luck with everything. <3

[xDocilexFaeriex]

You are welcome and thank you!!

[Jehovahkiin]

Intention matters.
If you're going out of your way to manipulate him and get him to spend some money of you, you'd fit the definition of one. However from what you said, it doesn't seem to be the case at all.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Would you change your mind about me... if he made $80,000xyear and I made $30,000xyr in the future?

[Jehovahkiin]

Not one bit

[Fearless_banana]

You can't gold dig off of a man that makes $14 an hour lmao

[xDocilexFaeriex]

What kind of man would a gold-digger be into? Like... doctors and lawyers? Really though, even if he pays for almost every meal?

[BuchitaBuchys]

Lmfaoooo

[xDocilexFaeriex]

@BuchitaBuchys lol

[wankiam]

you know it can be a genuine pleasure for a guy to pay for everything... especially if you suck his dick. seriously though, maybe he is old fashioned like that and likes to feel he is the man so unless you really think he has a hidden agenda, then accept his generousity or you will offend him

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Maybe I should just let it go, and be grateful that he's a real man... and not some non-traditional jerk trying to make me pay all the time? He loves me, I love him. I know there is no hidden agenda. We've been going out for over a year! :)

[Baumber]

You're not a gold digger! It's normal for a boyfriend to pay for every/most dates. Since you're worried about being a gold digger... you are DEFINITELY not a gold digger!!! $14 an hour isn't a whole lot of money, but it's good for our age. Even when he's an engineer, you will still not be a gold digger because you love him for who he is... NOT FOR HIS MONEY!

To sum it all up... you're not a gold digger! So, get the thought of it out of your mind!!

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Hi Bestie :) thanks for your help :D

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Would you be able to answer another question... it's about being assertive...

[Baumber]

Yeah! I've been busy, but I'll answer your other question and respond to your messages!!

[waterlaz]

lol, no, no you are not :D
You mention that you used to pay for him before he got a job.
Since you feel guilty now when he pays, you can probably imagine how he felt when you paid.
Bake him a cake or make him a sweater if you want to, but I don't really see a problem here :)

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I think it's worse for him since traditionally, guys used to pay all the time. I'm paying out of the goodness of my heart, but unfortunately now, also guilt... if I pay.

[Thrifty]

There is a quote that goes...

A girl who has never been in love requires a life of luxury but each diamond is never enough; conversely, a girl who is in love with a man would sleep on the streets beside him.

The guy version is: A man who loves a woman for her face or body will will seek after many women yet never be satisfied but a man who loves a woman for her soul will only love one woman.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

You touched my heart!!

[Thrifty]

I wish you touched my dick.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

haha!

[xDocilexFaeriex]

@Telekinetic-Potato lol

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I'm monogamous

[Bandit74]

No, a gold digger is a girl who dates a guy primarily for his momey and what he buys her.

You were with him when he couldn't afford anything and dont currently expect him to buy you everything.

Also most real gold diggers wouldn't feel guilty or waste their time on a guy who only makes $14/hr.

[Frost_Byt3]

If you were a gold digger, you wouldn't be seen DEAD with a guy who only makes $14 an hour, especially if he wasn't even employed when you met.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I've also dated guys who didn't have jobs or cars lol who didn't go to college!! I find it to be a bonus to have a guy who makes more money than myself. Before he had a job--we would rarely go anywhere because he felt awful about me paying for him!! I didn't break up with him because it's true love... our relationship doesn't revolve around money :)

[Hopefuldreamer8]

A gold digger is someone who is with a guy for his money. It's a woman who wants to sit around and do nothing all day while a guy spends all his hard earned money on her. You're not a gold digger. Gold diggers expect guys just to spoil them while they give nothing in return. They think that just because they're beautiful that guys should be grateful their with them, and so they should spend their money on them.

[posted]

Lol you're so guilty about free food I love it. If it bugs you that much you could probably make him let you pay every now and then.

Gold diggers are vile pieces of shit that date someome soley because of their money and try to get as much free shit as possible.

Doesn't sound like you're a gold digger.

[Sovereignty]

A gold digger is someone who dates/sleeps/marries someone for money and/or status. Since you are with him for nether reason that means you're not a gold digger.

[desidoll]

He's a gentleman and no you aren't a gold digger. You're already with him when he was unemployed. A gold digger is a woman who only seeks for rich dudes to support her from up to toe.

[oldanddecrepid]

You are not a gold digger, if he buys things for you. If you were asking for things all the time... then maybe.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Yeah, I never ask him for anything. But... what feeling do men get when they pay for a woman? I paid for his meal the last time and he told me not to feel like I owe him anything. Why did he say that?

[oldanddecrepid]

I think he was trying to say that he does not expect anything in return if he pays for things while you are out together. I am similar in mindset, I don't expect to be taken out in return for taking my girl out. If she really wants to take me out, then I don't argue, because I know I don't want to argue when I want to take her out. The reason I do it is simple... because it's fun to do things with her, and fun things sometimes cost money... c'est la vie!

[xDocilexFaeriex]

:) good point.

[LittleMissCuriousity]

A gold digger seeks someone out because they have money. You aren't a gold digger.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Thanks :)

[LittleMissCuriousity]

No problem.

[LaVilaine]

You're not with him because of his money and him spending money on you makes you uncomfortable. I don't think you could be termed a gold digger by any stretch of the imagination.

[99percentangel]

No, of course not you love him and you were with him before he had his job. If he really wants to pay for stuff for you let him.

[Luvme66]

you are stupid... he loves you god dammit... and that's why he gives more than he takes

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Maybe he should punish me LAMO! Thanks for the wake-up call!! Could he just be really traditional with gender roles?

[Luvme66]

yes he might... here is an example of my culture... women are supposed to be at home (which is kind of decreasing due to modernisation in india) and men are supposed to work and earn money for the entire family...

yes we; about,70% of Indians follow these traditions... and this culture is declining nowadays again due to the same feeling that you are getting right now...

Bottom line:- YES he is traditional

P. S. you deserve punishment.. :P

[xDocilexFaeriex]

:) Thank you. I'm traditional too... but in my society I don't feel like I'm allowed to be :( I wish I could get rid of my feelings and just be me.

[Luvme66]

lucky you...

[Flow_like_the_wind]

No you're you not. You we're even with him before he worked. A gold digger would never accept a man like that.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Could I potentially end up as a gold-digger if I marry him AND make way less money? He will be an engineer one day :'( I only want to be a school counselor... or just a Youth Care Worker!! :(

[Flow_like_the_wind]

You're only a gold digger if you care about him just for his money. To be fair offer to pay sometimes or help him pay to show you care for him for more than his wallet.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I do... but usually he just says how he makes $700 a week and he doesn't think I need to pay lol etc. I buy us ice cream usually... :)

[Flow_like_the_wind]

If he's happy with paying for everything that's fine, but it's nice to show appreciation every once in a while, which you seem like you do so that's good.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

It's also my first long term relationship. I don't know how everything works... with money... lol

[Flow_like_the_wind]

Money works in many different ways. Usually men make more, in more traditional settings men spend more. If you as a woman is fine with splitting the bill and your boyfriend is fine with it, I say go for it.

[shadowlegend]

No. A gold-digger is a woman who dates a guy just for his wealth and dumps him when he stops providing or paying for her.

[jakeofalltrades]

your not a gold digger. a gold digger would have been with him before his high paying job. a gold digger wouldn't feel guilty about it, a gold digger would get mad if he didn't pay for her, and more expensive stuff than just food

[Luminifera]

baby no, you're not a gold digger! don't worry about it! no need to feel guilty.

[Words_and_Wisdom]

You should give him gifts in return to show your appreciation if you feel bugged by it, and just reassure him that he doesn't have to pay for you to be appreciated.

[April10]

Lol! 80k is not gold digger material. He doesn't make enough for you to call yourself that.

[Puppylove94]

Lol he makes 14$ an hour... To be a gold digger you gota date someone who's rich.

[akadatank44]

Hahaha nope your just an average chick. Gold diggers mess with dudes who are millionaires or billionaires and just are with them cuz of their money.

[ShaeNielson]

No, of course not. Being with someone who has money does not equal being a gold digger whereas being with someone because they have money does.

[daitachixshineji4eva]

No Your Not You Love him For Him not his Money a Gold Digger only loves someone for their money

[jacquesvol]

No, because you love him too ! You were with him before his job!

[Sara413]

A gold digger is someone who intentionally seeks out men with lots of money who they'd never date otherwise just so they can be taken care of...

[MrAssHat]

Yes but dont feel bad iv done it also except i dont feel guilt about it..

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Should I speak up and tell him how I feel... or should I sit back and feel upset? I was so guilty I paid for both of us. Unfortunately... when he told me not to--it made me feel even guiltier!!

[MrAssHat]

Well we can't have you feeling bad.. So you need to explain to him that you feel guilty with him always paying for things and that you would like to start to split it ooor you can shut off those feelings and enjoy the situation.. But i understand on a personal level what your going through so if you want to PM we can discuss this further

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I'm a superb artist... and I love writing stuff... maybe I can write a note about how much I appreciate him and love him. :) I could draw him something too, people at a restaurant? Lol.

[MrAssHat]

Good! thats actually a very cute idea and it will make him smile..

[xDocilexFaeriex]

:) Why don't you feel guilty about being this way? :/

[MrAssHat]

Well when i was younger i was that sweet Mr Nice Guy.. After years of abuse and then a marriage that ended with me losing everything that iv worked my life for.. i said fuck it im tired of being the slave in the relationship just to risk losing it all because she feels like im away at work to much.. So fuck it ill try my best to enjoy life as much as i can

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Hmm.

[MrAssHat]

you know what i mean tho?

[xDocilexFaeriex]

Yeah... but I'm not abusive to him and I don't need his money. I'd be fine paying for myself occasionally. Though, since he's so traditional, I doubt he would let me. I should be more grateful that he cares... :(

[MrAssHat]

So change =P

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I just wish my Dad didn't make me feel, growing up, that I should always be independent. I guess my Daddy issues are also ruining my thoughts about who pays/who doesn't... :)

[xDocilexFaeriex]

:( I need a new way of thinking :(

[MrAssHat]

Hey you know dont be to hard on yourself change takes time but at least you have the desire to do better with this man..

[Anonymous]

Just tell him you want to pay seperately. It should be easy as that.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I could occasionally, but he might still get weird about it :(

[Marinepilot]

Sounds like a decent guy to me. Many would've have figured they didn't need you when they started making money and hauled ass.

[Anonymous]

no, because you feel guilty; I never feel guilty when someone spend money on me I like it.

[madhatters4]

you're not a gold digger

[SarahsSummer]

I voted A. Start buying him dinner, clothes etc.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I forgot to add that I buy us ice cream... and I DID buy him dinner!!! He's TELLING me NOT to worry about him buying us food... though...

[xDocilexFaeriex]

I actually bought him some stuff before he got a job!!

[SarahsSummer]

No reason to stop. When I go to my very generous bf's house I bring candles or dinner to cook or drinks.

[xDocilexFaeriex]

:) I love cooking... but he's picky and he's not into vegetables (unless they are invisible in the pasta sauce)... lol and I'm not into cooking meat. I'm going to use a blender next time. I don't know... it just upsets me that he doesn't like what I love to make...

[dudegrt09]

Yes you should be ashamed!!!
Shame...
Shame
Shame
Shame

[xDocilexFaeriex]

You're funny. Maybe he can punish me LOL.

[dudegrt09]

If you're hot, I will like to punish you...

[Anonymous]

Everyone should pay his/her own money

[askuser]

No lol you are not a gold digger.

[COCOCHANEL]

nah. you're not.

[Frenchtoast2020]

Wut is money?

[rich-e]

Yea you're