My boyfriend bruises me but does it in a joking manner, is that normal?

[Anonymous]

First off I should start off saying I have fair skin so it might just be why the bruises show up. Anyways, my boyfriend will grab me roughly and say he's joking. Tonight he kind of scared me when we where at the drive in movies. We where parked in my car and he grabbed my arms held me down and was trying to lick me (because I hate that) he said in a very cold voice that if he wanted to do anything he could but he's choosing not to as he gripped tighter to my arms and stared angrily into my eyes. A majority of the time when he ends up bruising me accidentally is when he is trying to do the licking thing. He will grab my arms tight and I will try to pull away and he will just grab it tighter and towards him no matter how much I fight it. I don't know if he is just joking or maybe trying to prove his strength. Just after tonight it made me very uncomfortable. He also keeps bringing up abuse like he mentioned about a girl he knows that gets beat up by her boyfriend and he brings up that I would blame him for bruises and say he abuses me. I'm starting to get a little scared by him. I don't think he's abuses, I just think he isn't aware as to how it makes me feel. He seems to be getting a little more aggressive with his joking. I think he might just have a cruel sense of humor but it's making me feel uneasy. Im not sure what to think or know if I should be even concerned about this. Is this normal relationship behavior?

[Anonymous]

Your boyfriend scares me too!!! He's a classic abuser !!
I'm not a psychologist but I've read a lot on abuse because my husband started verbally and emotionally abusing me after we got married - it took me a while to recognise it because he wasn't physically abusive and he always had a way of rationalising his nasty and disrespectful behaviour, usually making me feel there was something wrong with me. The "only joking" line is a classic line abusers use (so I read) to make the victum feel guilty for qusetioning their behaviour and to rationalise why their bad behaviour is ok. My husband always used that line as also never apologised whenever I told him he had hurt me - I am guessing your boyfriend doesn't either - and yet as children we are usually taught to say sorry for hurting someone even if you didn't mean to.
Your boyfriend is using intimidation and fear tactics to exert power over you - that is abuse. It might be just bruises from squeezing too tight now but he will most likely escalate - it sounds like he already is! My Aunty was bashed by her husband all the time - he had a very cruel streak - my mother told me that when they were dating, he used to "play around and joke" in ways that gave my Aunty bruises - like twisting her arm in a supposed play fight.
The other thing I can tell you about abuse is that when I went to counselling with my husband it became very apparent to me that this was anger he had suppressed for years (decades) and would take a lot of time to heal from - and healing could only begin when he acknowledged he had an issue that he wanted to address, and he may never acknowledge that. I sat in counselling already at my wits end with his behaviour towards me - I just couldnt take it anymore - and watched him talk himself around in illogical circles to avoid his issues and it was at that moment I realised that I just didn't have what it takes to continue in the relationship and put up with him projecting his anger onto me in the hope that one day he will acknowledge he needed help and then sit around waiting for him to go through the long healing process.
Get out of the relationship and find yourself a guy who isn't so messed up - its easier to find a great guy at your age than mine. Look for someone who supports your ideas and respects your opinions - not someone who over rides them. Good luck xo

[May16]

A wise lady with very good advice

[Opinion Owner]

@May16 thanks 😊

[Anonymous]

Don't show him you're scared. Whenever he brings the talk about the girl that gets beat up tell him "that's something I can assure you that will never happen to me". When he grabs your arm tell him to let go off of you and tell him to get the fuck out of your car. Tell him that you won't tolerate that abusive behavior of him, you're his girlfriend and not something he uses to relief his stresses. Don't be afraid to break up with him if he keeps doing it to you. Today he grabs your arm tomorrow he might slap you in the face, take care girl, for real

[Unsure82]

It's too late for this girl to 'work' on asserting herself. This girl deserves better. Her boyfriend is an abuser. A man should never hold a woman against her own will. I'd get out now. Run...

[Opinion Owner]

@Unsure82 what did I say?

[vonasaurus]

uh, not a joke~ his behaviour is creepy, rape-y (esp. the comment re: he can do whatever he wants to you), and definitely not normal.

he needs help. and, if a guy did this to me, i'd kick the loser to the curb immediately. when you break up with him, do it in public and have friends or family with you; that minimizes the risk that he'll harm you.

(if you guys live together, change the locks and have law enforcement/friends and family present when he comes to get his stuff.)

[Levin]

Obviously there's a fine line and a subjectivity here, some girls get turned on by the extreme domination (essentially, being treated like shit), I don't think either party is well adjusted in either case. I don't think your boyfriend is well adjusted, and I think he needs to reflect on his behaviour. Personally, I think your boyfriend certainly has a dark side, and if I was you, I wouldn't risk having it expressed to its full potential. You've had a taste of it. You don't like it. You want to witness what it's like when he 'let's rip'?

You're far too passive, and you're scared of your boyfriend. This is not good. This is not normal behaviour, and it verges on the demented. You have no barriers and you're not able to tell him to "stop, that's it, enough!". That's the frightening part, from my perspective. I am around people, through necessity, that I know deep down have somewhat of a sadistic side. For Christ sake, I'd never get into a relationship with them! I wouldn't want to be *intimate* with them. Your feelings are showing you what to do. If it was me, I'd dump, immediately!

But yes, self assertion, anger if necessary. It's important to have a strong will, this is basic self preservation.

[Touchmehxx]

You said you don't think either party is well adjusted in either case. Was one of those cases you were referring to when women consent to this

[Levin]

@Touchmehxx This is something like 'weak will' from the woman. ie she's putting herself in situations that are dangerous for her, because she doesn't have the ability to say no and to assert herself. Maybe she never had a positive masculine figure growing up? But one can only speculate. So of course, the 'mal-adjustion' is different in kind. He doesn't respect the other's boundaries and is too concerned with himself; she has no boundaries and is too concerned with appeasing others. Hence the attraction... Unfortunately, the latter is going to attract quite a few 'bad eggs', until she learns how to say no. It's not a conscious choice. She's not aware that her behaviour is not normal. Just as he's likely not questioning his, and he won't, until people around him leave, most likely :)

[mikemx55]

He's like saying, "I could rape you 24/7, but I'm a noce guy". Proving that he could own you.

He probably thinks you're impressed with his strength lol.
Talk with him about it. Show him the bruises, say that it hurts, it's not cool, and that's no way to treat someone you care. I mean it's ok to play around, and accidents happen all the time. But it's not cool if it keeps on happening.

And next time he wants to lick you, tell him to save his tongue skills for the bedroom. If u know what I mean ;)

[OlderAndWiser]

A joke is when he says something and other people laugh. Calling his behavior a "joke" is just looking for an excuse for the inexcusable. He is disrespecting you and it will probably get worse.

[zombiebabe]

your skin tone has nothing to do with it (i am brown skinned and i get bruises easily too)
but yea... if i was you i'd run away from him asap because he sounds scary and borderline agressive... if i was you i'd push him away if he tried those things :(

[vishna]

He sounds like a bad thing waiting to happen. I would probably dump him in a public place and have your ride home already set up and a friend nearby. You really can never be too safe.

[Jxpxtxr]

No wth he sounds like a psycho. Better dump him and get as far away as possible before he turns up with an axe next time!

[Blonde401]

He's a creepy weirdo. Break up with him before he actually hurts you properly.

[martyfellow]

No, it's outrageous to bruise someone, fair skinned or not. He's abusive, and you need to address it, and make HIM address it!!! Right away.

[Touchmehxx]

I'd dump him of you don't like it. I'd die for that kind of relationship though

[sicosico]

Men are a bit rough they do not differentiate dealing with girls or their buddies

[Asadi]

Its not normal , he should care for u else dump him

[Kaylyne]

WTF Are you still doing being with this lowlife?

[idkwtftoputhere]

no wtf ur dating a psycho

[scooogy]

No, cut him off, with a kick in his balls

[Anonymous]

No that normal. Let him know it's not okay

[Anonymous]

Run. Now. While you still have the strength.

[Anonymous]

normal