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That's my ex. We were together for a year and even though she told me she loved me just about everyday and told me how happy I made her it always felt like something was missing since she just wasn't affectionate with me or ever tried to get involved in my lofe or put any effort for me. It was always about her. I told her that I didn't feel loved by her and how could I be when I was always the one going out of my way for her which looking back should have been a clear sign that she wasn't invested. It was the little things really that were lacking, things that tell you your partner is thinking about your wellbeing and not just theirs. She had 2 previous relationships in the past (one was 3 years long) and she told me that she never loved them. I thought that was odd and ignored that blatant red flag since I was different lol yea right. I'm actually really glad I had that experience even though it ended in a giant train wreck (she cheated and told me that she never loved me and only made pretend to because I was such a good guy and cared for her). After that experience I really think some people just don't know how to fall in love. I've paid much more closer attention to people like this now and there's one blatant pattern with all of them. They're generally very self-centered and inconsiderate of other's well being. That's the big problem, we value things and people that we've had to make sacrifices for or put effort in for. The bigger the sacrifices/effort the more important that thing or person becomes. It's why people who are very selfless fall in love so easily, because they have something worth losing since they put their time and effort in. My ex never did that in ANY of her relationships. I remeber hearing stories she would tell me and now cringe as to how I couldn't see how self-centered and inconsiderate she is. So yea I think a large part of someone who has a history of being emotionally unavailable is their selfish nature (I'm not talkig about the one off because then it probably just means that your partner eas just not that into you). This all comes from my own personal experience.
It was one of the best experiences of my life mostly because it taught me so much. It made me feel like shit but it revealed a lot about myself like: the pointlessness of feeling ownership of another; The joy of letting go of possessive behavior and still being returned to; the nonsensical anxiety that comes from fearing abandonment; the strength that comes from maintaining independence amidst being in a relationship. I'm not sure if i would've learned those things had I not been in a relationship with an emotionally distant individual. It also showed me that it was inevitable for me to end up in a relationship like this because I myself was emotionally unavailable and seeking out people who were avoidant because that meant I could comfortably cling to another without feeling trapped myself.
You are a wise man to learn so much from one relationship!
It was more like 5 different relationships with the same person lol. Thanks!
My boyfriend is somewhat like that.
We do have a lot of fun together, spend a lot of time with each other, are extremely compatible sexually speaking, and everything feels great. Though neither of us have actually verbalized whether or not we love each other, I without a doubt feel his love. Which, at times of weakness that have been aplenty over our time together, has been enough for me to work through the frustration and soldier through.
I have brought it up to him a few times. Straight up telling him that I occasionally start to doubt whether or not he's in it for the longhaul, or doubt how much of a priority I really am in his life. He's been honest and kind of confirmed what I suspected from the start- that he undoubtedly cares about me a lot. That he's more than willing to put aside his pride and make me and our relationship continuing as happily as possible his number one priority in life (which he almost word for word said just an hour or so ago as we grabbed dinner together). That I should know all of that but try to understand that it's a constant struggle for him to work through actually being able to more easily express how he feels. Something about the way he was raised (minimal affection from his parents, with whom to this day he shares a dynamic that's more like what would seem work-place style versus actual family) and how that's hampered his present day ability to understand and act on what he feels. What he assured me he 100% feels, but simply has more trouble wrapping his head around and expressing than the average individual.
So... anyway, in a nutshell- thank god I'm a psych major so we're just kind of taking it day by day. I can somewhat get where he's coming from and why he might feel that way so we're just working together to make it work. As in I have to be super honest about how I'm feeling in respect to him and whether he's being emotionally responsive/open enough, and he'll try his hardest to make necessary adjustments and fine-tune how open he is about how he's feeling to help keep things flowing along as smoothly as possible. :)
I've dated a few people like that. One guy was bipolar. He was always going off about how he needed to be with a happy partner, which I understood but I soon found out that meant you couldn't have ANY problems of your own. If you were having a bad day? FORGET about him being sympathetic. Yet he wanted all the support in the world. Wanted me to be there for him (which I always was) and to pretty much read his mind. i. e one night we had plans but he told me he needed space and being a literal type of person I did what he asked. Then the next day he was really angry with me. Saying he was testing me to see if I cared and I failed so I obviously didn't care. Yeah... Tons of head games.
Another guy was separated less than a year from his ex wife. He thought he was ready to date but yeah he had too many issues. If a problem came up with us (usually having to do with his ex or him not being honest about something) he would completely shut down instead of discussing it. Even something minor that could have been solved in a matter of seconds. I stupidly was on and off with him. He dumped me twice for totally stupid reasons (I'm not just saying that. They were). 5 years later and he occasionally still calls me to tell me how much of a mistake he made letting me go and that he'll always love me but he can't date me again because still have too many issues. I'm like "Don't worry buddy. I'm good" lol
Last guy who was emotionally unavailable was a really nice guy but just didn't care a ton about human relationships. Was more into doing his own stuff and the pursuit of knowledge. Which was cool. We just weren't a good match.
The last guy I was with was this way. I thought we were a good match, had a lot of fun together, and we were sexually very compatible and everything felt just great (like what you wrote) but he was never in love with me, even after being together for 1.5 years.
It wasn't as frustrating for me as much as it hurt me. I was in love with him but never told him because I always got the vibe that telling him would scare him and/or push him away. And my gut feeling wasn't that wrong either because whenever he felt like there was some emotional attachment on my part, he'd pull away... And that hurt me so much.
He broke up with me in January (due to some other external factors in life that are out of our control and not in our favor). I told him I loved him and have been in love with him the day he broke up with me not because I was hoping to change the situation but I just wanted to let him know how I felt still... And that was when I got the confirmation that he never loved me. He said he cared about me (which I doubt but still decide to give him the benefit of it) and that was it.
It's sad to devote that much time to a relationship and learn that it meant so little to the one who you loved so dearly!
It was.
I'm seeing someone new now and I think he's dropping me hints (I think?) I don't know... From time to time, he'd tell me how much he cares about me, how amazing and beautiful I am, and that he adores me. And just yesterday, he said, "you're very special and dear to me. You're this beautiful person I look at with love and care. You're my angel." and it's not just words, I feel and see it in his actions and treatment towards me as well. We hit it off from the start too but it's been different, as in we connect emotionally, mentally, and physically. It's a world of a difference from my previous relationship!
It sounds like he may be The One! :)
He did say too that I'm his "dream come true" so, yea... maybe... hopefully :)
This guy I'm talking to is like that, he claims he's dead inside. Mostly due to his 10 year breakup with his ex and I think he can't get over it and I don't think he ever will. I try to be persistent with texting him, saying have a nice day, I miss him, I want to see him but from him... I get absolutely nothing and never will. After all, we are just fucking. Bleh-> people like that need to be exiled to a different location and be smothered with tons of work so the "emotionally available" people won't have to suffer the consequences like I am right now.
I'm constantly wondering what he's doing, when is he gonna text me, when will I see him, does he miss me? I need a Prozac because of him 😑
fuck me in the same situation right now. Dated a girl shortly 2 weeks after she broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years. Everything was literally perfect and I never experienced that much chemistry before and she was falling for me as well. Suddenly she went cold and said she's not ready to date since she hates herself and how she treated her ex towards the end of her relationship and that she needs to figure her shit out first so she doesn't end up hurting me. The worst part is that it's obvious she's being genuine and honest so now I feel strung along even though I just want to move on and forget about her.
I was seeing somebody that almost matches your description... except he just wanted to be single. I realized that he didn't "try" because he did not want to get emotionally attached and give me the wrong signals. In the beginning I was hesitant with always communicating with him and just being happy around him but I got over it, it was annoying and confusing. You deserve someone who wants to give you a chance!
If you know he is dead inside and you still let him fuck you? Really got no one to blame
@cth96190 I have, sort of. I've deleted her number and I'm never contacting her again. The problem is that I know I really like her and that I am holding on to some hope that she contacts me and it works out even though I know it's idiotic and that I should just dorget this chick and that I deserve better. Still easier said than done.
Opinion
17Opinion
I've dated two women who were on the rebound and both ended up being disasters. Very emotionally draining and not worth it.
One of them got out of a 4 year on and off abusive ex. I was naive about what rebounders were at the time and I felt bad for her when she told me about how bad her ex was. She'd hit me up every day before our date and act overzealous but the moment I'd show interest, she'd back off. She trash talked her ex a lot and wanted me to get back at him as she asked me to make fun of her ex for his babydick in case we ran into him which was weird. She showed tons of interest in me, was really cute, and had quite a bit in common so I was a bit blinded by it. But then she eventually disappeared and left me for the ex she complained about. I learned my lesson there.
2nd time I dated a girl who was even cuter and had way more in common with me than the last one but just got out of a 5 year relationship literally the week we had our first date but I didn't find out till later. In fact her ex moved out the week of our date which she just told me was a roommate moving out the week of our date. Having been rebounded before, I was scared because I liked her but didn't wanna experience the same thing before. Friends would say she's my dream girl so I still gave it a shot. She didn't really bring up the ex but she acted very hot and cold which was draining. We had such a great first date, but between the 2 dates she'd act hot and cold. Sure she'd initiate contact through text, snapchat, instagram, etc but when I'd ask to meet up again she'd never commit and would be very flaky. I asked her out once a week 3 times in a row.
Then once I figured I'd give up and look for others then she asked me out and showed more interest. The 2nd date went very well and things seemed to progress. Fast forward to date 3 and she invites me to her place again, we cuddle and make out then get drinks and once we go back to have sex i find a condom wrapper in her bed clearly from another guy which made me feel sick, literally and figuratively. She then canceled future plans and I tried talking to her but then she just said she's not interested in seeing me as a copout. Then blocked me from social media like it was my fault.
This is why I highly advise against dating someone on the rebound. You feel like you're walking on eggshells the whole time and it can screw you up for awhile even if you only date them a short amount of time. Not worth it.
The 2nd girl was a straight up sociopath. She made me feel like it was my fault for her behavior.
I was definitely frustrated and it didn't resolve as they eventually ghosted me or left me out of the blue. It severely screwed me up as I got no closure as to what I might have done.
I was emotionally unavailable to my prior GF's in one form or another, so yes. I'd suggest that it isn't necessarily you, but the other person. It may be they don't want what you want... they may be satisfied with a little... as that is all they have available to give. where you want a great depth of feeling. or they aren't interested enough and it is the wrong person.
On the flip side, I've been rejected plenty enough, which is what I think not receiving love feels like.
Is it possible that the purpose of relationships is to share love, learn how to love, give value to the other person and encourage them in life? That all helps us to grow towards God, which is love. Is your purpose in her life to love her and encourage her where she is at... which is some kind of recovery from trauma in the past? Is she even interested in recovering or is she satisfied where she is? Maybe it is worth having the discusion of if she wants to feel love, and take that risk again, or if she's content with how she exists now?
Does she offer you sufficient value in the relationship?
Yeah I was with someone like that. Tried to break down his barriers etc but it wasn't to be. He broke up with me and basically told me he hadn't wanted to be with me for the last few months we were together. Which sucked cause he acted like he wanted me around and invited me to stay at his etc. So I don't know what I did wrong.
You probably did nothing wrong. He was simply incapable of forming an emotional attachment.
I am currently in that position. I know! She treats me well and is affectionate but just doesn't show me much of her feelings.
She constantly holds hands. At night, she lays her head on my shoulder and goes to sleep. We have a good start but we should be much further than we are at this point.
Almost 2 years.
Yes, we have discussed it several times. First, she said it was not because of anything about me. When we discussed it a few days ago, she said maybe it was because of some personality differences between us. She is more extroverted and gregarious than I am. But she has known me for almost 2 years. She didn't recently discover this.
I posed that question and she says that she can't answer that. But for this issue (which is a huge issue,) we are otherwise very compatible and a good fit for each other.
That happened to me. He invited me to stay with him for 10 days, spent most of that time ignoring me playing on his pc. I cleaned his room and did his laundry for him, gave him 200 dollars as an early Christmas gift we had sex a couple of times I get home 3 days later he says I don't love you anymore.
@ihateheroicleishin That must have hit you like a freight train out of nowhere!
@ihateheroicleishin it's so shitty isn't it? He invited me to stay at his for a week and when he broke up with me he said 'I didn't want you there from the minute you walked through the door'. I was like why didn't you just tell me that so I could go home?
@Blonde401 "hit you like a freight train out of nowhere" that's exactly how I felt when i saw that girl who invited me to her place and bedroom and found a condom wrapper from someone else on her bed. Then when I tried to talked to her and she ignored me and then just told me she wasn't interested without any explanation was like being kicked while I was down. Then her blocking me from social media was like being beaten up while I had a seizure. Fucking bullshit how she took no accountability for her actions and made it seem like I'm the guilty one.
@bloodmountain1990 she was an absolute bitch to you :(
@Blonde401 absolute cunt is more like it. Sorry, not sorry. That behavior was absolutely uncalled for.
@bloodmountain1990 haha don't be sorry! I use that word myself far too much 😈
@Blonde401 i use it more towards men than women. You're in England though so it's not frowned up on as much as it is here.
@bloodmountain1990 it's pretty frowned upon here. Mostly by women
C. S. Lewis said that if love stayed "new" forever, the world would cease to function. you would do stupid things for each other that are bad for your finances, health, etc. and you would never be able to fart again (I added that last part but it's not healthy to be like that). you don't need to bust down her emotional door, just knock gently and find out things like what her secret fantasy is. you gotta be ready for whatever she might say, which hah, completely depends what it is. but openness and being able to relate are going to become more important.
Afraid not on the receiving end. I was usually the one who was not entirely "unavailable" but I found it difficult to fall in love. I still don't know what causes me to fall in love with a girl. We could have a great time together and I can still not feel that incredible sense of attachment that I've only had with two women in my life (the second which I married after realizing how elusive this quality was to me).
That said, I generally cut it far short of a year if I wasn't feeling it. I didn't want to string the girl along and realized the break-up would only become more painful to her if I do.
With the two times I did fall madly for a girl, it happened rather quickly. Of course I was reserved about it and it didn't blossom and grow into something so intoxicating right away, but I generally knew if the "seed" was there rather quickly, within weeks, for my feelings to just grow and grow for a girl with no end in sight.
And likewise it was rather obvious to me after a few weeks if we didn't have that, and only had great times together.
Emotionally unavailable people can't take social or emotional cues. They don't know when to leave you alone or when to be thete for you. They either smother or abandon you. There isn't any time they can be appropriate yet they expect you to cater to all of their emotional needs which are a never ending vortex of chaos that can never be fixed. By the time you finally escape, it's about your losses and getting out alive. It was for me anyway.
This pretty much sums of the relationship I've had that I was talking about.
@AUTiger7222 Sorry you went through that but glad I could put it into words♡ Naturally, I bitterly speak from experience, crawling from a shivering mass of tears and anguish.
Sorry to know that you've dealt with that.
@AUTiger7222 From narcissistic parents to destructive romantic relationships (not all but enough). I have PTSD and borderline personality disorder now and choose sanity and a life of solitude.
I'm really sorry. You're much stronger than I am. I would not have survived all that.
@AUTiger7222 Maybe you would have. I had to slowly learn not to let people mess with me and create dire consequences for those who did. For whatever was out of my control, I had to learn to let go.
I've only ever had one serious relationship and it turned out that I was way more invested than she was but I put myself through it for nearly an entire year before she finally broke it off. The last few months were truly awful and I wish I would have been the one to dump her because it wouldn't have hurt as bad but I didn't want to give up on her. I don't like giving up on people.
At least you can look in the mirror, say to yourself, "At least I'm not a quitter!" and feel good about yourself.
Absolutely. I learned so much from that crap relationship. I learned all the warning signs of when she says she loves you but it's not true. I learned what I deserve from a woman and what I don't deserve.
Then you learned to not listen for "I love you" but just watch how they treat you and then you will know how they feel.
Exactly. Words are hollow if the actions don't support them.
Going through this bullshit now. We break up and get back together bc he's insecure af and thinks I'll play him like his last 3 exes. We've been together for 4 years. We only break up when there's a biological disturbance taking place, if you catch my drift. It is very frustrating. He's a fence sitter. He listens to his dumbass religious mom tell him dumb shit and he goes with it. Breaks up over literally simple stuff bc his mom is petty af and wants him to stay with him forever. So it's a combination of mama's boy and unavailable emotionally. I put up with him bc I haven't found anyone similar or 10x better than him. I love him but i can easily replace him and love him as a person if I had a replacement for him.
I dated someone who before me had only had relationships where sex was everything.
So when we started dating, it went off well at the start and we had fun, but after I realised how wallpapers were more important than me I just made her walk away, and for close to a 200 meter straight walk she didn't look back once. That was how I knew it was over for good.
There would be a few women who could point to me.
When my first serious girlfriend broke my heart, just after I turned 21, something changed inside my head and I became psychologically incapable of feeling romantic love for a female.
That sounds very tragic and sad.
My ex was like that. His mental disorders were at the root of this.
@Brah63926 BPD.
How perfectly horrible! Been there and done that!
Yeah, it was tough. I tried to stick around to show him that he was worth love, despite having these disorders, but he didn't show much in return. It got to be too much to handle.
BPD never responds to being treated kindly.
@Brah63926 My BPD ex never cheated on me, but. . . after our divorce, she moved in with her sister and brother-in-law. A few years later, her sister died; I don't know the details but I suspect that she had a lingering illness. My ex and her brother-in-law were married within 2 months!
@Brah63926 Mine did cheat on me actually... with the girl we had staying with us as a roommate no less. Good times, hah.
Ah, that's rough. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to deal with BPD on a daily basis. However, my ex wasn't really trying to get treatment most of the time we were together. He more or less rested on the fact that he had it and used that as an excuse. Never ends well that way.
My brother was like with his ex girlfriend. It was pretty much the honey moon stage and after a few years, reality struck and they both saw each other for type of person's that were. They fell out of love and each went their separate ways. Better to leave someone who you know will never change no matter what and end up being miserable in the long run. You only get one chance at life so you might as well live it well..
I was frustrated, so then i tried harder and harder. She kept changing her preferences until i just said fuck it and didn't change anymore. With that, the relationship was gone. she may have given 50% but i gave 150%.
I absolutely understand!! I gave her everything I had and catered to her every want and need and she wasn't even willing to meet me halfway. I was completely miserable.
living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, waking up too someone who's emotionally unavailable. i say im not happy, blames her self then claims Im cheating... things could of been handled better. Everything happens fora reason.
I think I'm that partner. I mean, I care about my boyfriend and love him but I feel that compared to other girls I'm very unemotional.
What holds you back? Is it something about him?
No I dont think so, I'm just a bit unemotional as a person.
Does that make you feel like an alien who just happens to look and sound like the natives? I'm not picking on you at all, because that is how I feel most of the time.
Sometimes :)
My ex was a victim of sexual abuse in the past and she was very unemotional and angry mostly if she had emotions. She would act happy in front of others like my friends and family but underneath the curtain was a fragile ego and no self esteem. She was able to separate emotions from sex, not that she had much emotion to begin with and she ended up cheating on me with different guys not just one.
I was probably emotionally unavailable in the past.
Do you think that you have changed that? How so?
I think I have. Friends have said I have.
I just have done a LOT of reading and looking into my past (both with meditation / quiet time and looking at videos when I grew up).
Introspection of myself and the reasoning on why my 22 year long marriage failed
You were unavailable or she was?
I
And not unavailable, more about allowing her fully in. i have lived a life of denial about traumatic issues in my adolescence and they seep through on occasion. She was my hope to express and deal with them but never could fully be willing to leave myself so vulnerable
Which was absurd for she was my true hope
That sounds horribly tragic! My condolences for both of you.
It is Life, you just deal :)
Everyone has their own story :)
Yes, we all have our own crosses to bear but this sounds like it will haunt you for a long time. How long ago was the divorce?
No divorce... to proud and respectful to our vows.
Plus, respectful to our staunchly Catholic upbringing. We are both lapsed Catholics due to outrage over the paedophilia cases against priests and the church covering it up. But, still have too much respect for our parents to ever shame their name with divorce
I am a Lutheran in America so I am not familiar with Irish Catholic traditions. So that means that you will not move forward with dating?
Before her, I never dated anyone. Mainly for I am the quintessential loner.
Bedded plenty of women and have many great friendships with them but never wanted relationships with them. Never played them and was always honest about my intentions
But, she check mated my being with her way compelling me to defy myself to a degree.
I think we both still harbour hopes of a reunion, and both stubbornly grasp to its possibility
What would it take to make that happen? I HATE to see long term marriages fail. . . and I have seen your posts on this site for a few years. You seem like a very nice guy.
Thank you for the kind words
i am old school which is often problematic :)
getting back together would rely on me being completely open to her and her trusting that I will...
Clash b/n Ideal and Reality, sadly :)
Have you tried any counselling or therapy to help with the trust issues?
LOL!@
Hehe, too old school to even contemplate those new age trends. Even her, she would feel completely betrayed even suggesting I bring an outsider in rather than fully express to her.
My greatest flaw is I am an old fashioned male- the 'boys do not cry type'
Reminds me of the line in Hotel California:
"And she said, 'we are all just prisoners here, of our own device'"
Would counseling in the church be an option?
We both avoid the Church
Again, expression for my type is seldom but if it occurs it is always behind closed doors
I think my upbringing has been defined by my Father training me in Boxing. He drummed into me that you always smile when you get hit even if it hurts like Hell.
i took this on board in an emotional sense
What a tragic life. There is so much potential for happiness if you just let go with your wife and trust her.
I understand that you have rejected the church, but do you still believe in God?
I have Faith but such angst toward organised Religion
Not tragic, it just is- you get dealt a hand and you do your best with it.
And everytime you get into pity party you always have plenty who provide context.
i remember in one of my first years of teaching I befriended a Kampuchean ( Cambodia now ) refugee who was working as a cleaner at the school I worked at. We got very close and were drinking one day and he started expressing about the terrible events of the killing Fields at the hands of the Khmer Rouge and Pol Pot.
part of his story revolved around all his family being rounded up and put in a pit before his eyes where they were all shot because they wore glasses. a sign of 'education' in a 'peasant revolution'
Chillin context to my issues :)
What are your thoughts on why you have difficulty letting go and expressing your emotions?
By the way, we can switch to PM if you want to continue this in private.
Because denial has allowed me to exist when many relied on I to be their bastion of support. Sometimes you take bullets for others. I lost both my parents b4 I was 17 and was a father at 19.
always had to hold up others and never had time for i
Plus, if I expressed all the shit I have been through I would likely fall apart and my Life doesn't afford this
So Denial is my Guardian Angel along with my Judas
You are an intelligent man and you see the weakness in that explanation, don't you?
Of course, all part of my mosaic of denial
Since you are a master of introspection, certainly you have contemplated that unless you make a change in yourself, the rest of your life will be just like everything you have already experienced. Does that not motivate you to make a change?
Not really, for there are always two sides of a coin
parts of my Life are f.. ed up but then other parts are very good. I have never cared much for I, always had such a subservient mindset in all regards to the point of getting satisfaction of self sacrificing
perverse mindset in a sense
Being a self-sacrificing martyr is a bit like pissing in your pants when you are wearing a dark gray suit. It gives you a warm feeling inside but nobody else notices! :)
very true :)
But you certainly do
Had to break up with her, her anti depressants and buy polar medicine made it like speaking to a zombie.
I dated a guy with severe untreated PTSD for a long time... so that pretty much speaks for itself.
Ummm Im always the one who's the "emotionaly unavailable" one and Im sure it fucking sucks. Thats one reason I dont currently date, I have an almoat impossible time really connecting with people and I dont wanna put anymore girls what I've already put 2 through.
Broke up. Life is too short to waste time trying to figure it out. Find someone who will fulfill that more important yearning.
Aren't ALL men emotionally unavailable? Lol 😂
I think you are talking about boys and not men. :)
It sucks when there is a gap between y'all.
Brief. Life's too short.
didn't have such a partner
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