How can I get my wife to want to have sex with me again?

[Anonymous]

So I'm having a pretty serious issue. I've been with my wife for 7 years now and we have children together. Our children are ages 3 and 1. She also stays at home. So Our sex life is struggling horribly. She never wants to have sex. I can't really handle 3 or 4 days without having sex like she wants to. I do take care of myself here and then but I hate having to do so because I have her around.
We get into a lot of fights because of this. I guess she could be tired but I'm always working and I make sure that they're taken care of.
When we argue, she asks me why she would want to have sex with someone who's so mean. I do understand that I can be mean and say mean things but being sexually frustrated doesn't help that.
I know that the things I tell her doesn't help. When we first got into a relationship I cheated. And she found out and forgave me. I feel like our sex life has gone down since then.
She said she doesn't ever feel like she is good enough for me and that I want other people because she thinks that's what I've always wanted.
Not to mention when I'm infuriated I've told her that I'm going to get a girlfriend, or that I'll have to take care of my sexual needs elsewhere. The last time I said that I was going to bring a girl home and she was going to be my girlfriend, and my wife had no choice but to love her because she was going to help me with everything that my wife doesn't help me with. I don't ever mean anything that I say it's just that I'm really frustrated and its like she doesn't care about me, just her feelings. I feel that I can never get her to believe me now. She says that I've hurt her but she doesn't know that she's hurting me by depriving me. I've basically dug my hole so deep that I don't know what to do now. She's really the only one that I want and I don't want to ruin our family but she doesn't ever want to have sex with me and I don't know how to help.
I know it's my fault for being horrible. I don't know what to do. Can someone help me?

[Anonymous]

First of all, don't ever threaten her with taking care of your needs outside your marriage. It's doing a huge amount of damage. Maybe an insurmountable amount. Apologize for that shit and then stop it for good. It will be a long road to a healthy marriage because that is really horrible.

Secondly, don't pester her for sex. Your post sounds like whining. That's the opposite of what women want. Do stuff that makes her life easier. Make the beds. Change your little one's shitty diaper without being asked. Get her a glass of wine while you entertain the kids. Tell her you're in charge of dinner and follow through. All the way to dishes cleaned and put away.

If she can be relaxed instead of feeling harrassed by the kids and you, maybe she'll get there on her own.

If you have a legitimate complaint, use language like this: When you _____, it makes me feel ______. That's better than saying always and never. She won't immediately go on the defensive.

Tell her what you told us. Show her the answers you're getting and see what she thinks.

[madhatters4]

she's emotionally unhappy. in my experience if a woman a happy woman is a far more happy and willing lover. so i think step one is to be a better partner. whatever "mean" stuff you do you need to stop, and don't blame lack of sex on your behavior, only you control how you behave

i think once you take steps to do better on your part you can turn to her and say, "i've taken steps to be a better partner, so i hope that this will show my dedication to you and we can work on our sex life"

i'm not blaming you for the lack of sex but only addressing what you can do since we can really only control ourselves... if you take steps to improve what you can in the relationship and the sex life doesn't change, then you may want to consider relationship counseling or something like that

good luck

[oboeyoudidnt]

She's not going to have sex with you if she's not emotionally satisfied. She told you she didn't like your behavior, so the first step to help things is be sweet to her.
It may seem to you like she does nothing but sit at home all day but being a stay at home parent can be extremely stressful. Let her know she's appreciated

Also you're questioning the fact she doesn't want sex with you when you cheated, threatened to bring a girl home, and treat her like shit when she was nice enough to forgive you? Hun the problem isn't your wife. All you're thinking about is your needs and you wants when it should be the other way around. Your wife has a right to be selfish since she has dealt with all the shit you have her. She doesn't realize you don't mean the hurtful things you say (especially since you back up those hurtful things by how she knows you cheated.)

You need marriage counseling if you can afford it. Your wife is probably only staying for the kids at this point

[oboeyoudidnt]

You say your behavior is in response to her depriving sex but it's the other way around. You cheating on her left a hole in her heart and caused those insecurities. If you had helped her heal it she may have gotten back to where she could have a healthy sex life with you. Basically you just made the wound bigger. Her behavior won't change until yours does, especially since you caused this mess

[Asker]

How can I help her, if she won't tell me how to do that? She doesn't want to talk to me, it's like she shuts me out and shuts the conversation down. She doesn't want me to know it seems like. I feel like she leaves me clueless.

[oboeyoudidnt]

Of course she doesn't want to talk to you. She doesn't think you love her or care!
You need to show her you care. When was the last time you asked how she was feeling, and ask "What can I do for you?"
Do stuff around the house as well. Don't just come home from work and plop down. Ask her if there's anything she needs help with.
Basically you'll feel like you're kissing ass but that's what you need to do. At least till her self confidence builds up.

Also no more comments about other girls. Even if you're mad. When you're mad ask to speak later or take ten seconds to cool down so you don't lose her. Tell her she's beautiful and keep saying it till she believes it. Show her she's appreciated

Also, don't bring up your wants. SHE KNOWS YOU FEEL SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED. You've made that quite clear. For once, make it about what she wants and needs. Eventually your wants will get fulfilled when she is emotionally ready to do that. If you love her you'll put your wants on the back burner

[oboeyoudidnt]

I'll be honest I know how your wife is feeling and it's not great. If you want her to put your feelings into consideration, maybe you should have done that before you cheated. Or even now when you still make it about you

[oboeyoudidnt]

Also let her know if she wants to strengthen the relationship she needs to communicate. Emphasize you're there to listen. She most likely doesn't tell you anything because she thinks you don't listen

[oboeyoudidnt]

How'd it turn out?

[oboeyoudidnt]

Thanks for MHO by the way

[RJGraveyTrain]

"I tell her if she doesn't have sex with me I'll bring someone home and it'll be all her fault." (Paraphrasing)

... and you're confused as to why you can't get sex?

You cheated on her, she forgave you, great. But you turning around and making those threats probably is not doing much for her self worth: news flash! If your woman feels like shit because of you, she likely won't want to fuck you!

Don't get me wrong I'm sure she's not innocent but god damn you've dug yourself into a hole. You need to look for some low budget or free counselling.

[Rissyanne]

My children were 2 years apart. Why dont you plan a date night? That is what me and my ex did when the kids were little. This will make her feel special.

[truthbeknown]

I think she has her hands full being a stay at home mommy and is tired and worn out from that. Then you can't get sex and get mad, then she gets mad too and this makes it worse. I know you work, and she doesn't, but you have to play the game and be more of a father and husband around the house. You'll have to help her with the kids and chores all while romancing her and making her feel special, beautiful and sexy again.

[derfrent]

I dare you to try my plan. I have shared it to many men in your situation with great success:
Tell your wife you are going to clean the house for one hour and that she has just two tasks: 1. Make a list of items to clean in that hour. 2. Prepare to have great sex.
Then, clean the house for one hour. I guarantee it's a win/win that will leave both parties very satisfied.

[Anonymous]

Do you think she's beautiful, do you think she's worth it... because women can tell if you not really into us.

Take the kids out for a little while and then drop them off at your parents or her parents or somewhere, then take her somewhere with meaning to the both of you, then have a hotel room ready with rose pedals and candles, and light music going, and oils, just everything that feels beautiful and amazing.

[Danielleo]

sounds like you only care about sex and your too into her you sound stressed chill out back up have something to bond over something you both enjoy doing other than sex

[iamnash]

when having Children around , it can get in the way of sex life, talk with your wife and work it out

[CapnHawk]

Yes, both of you need marriage counseling ASAP.

[Asker]

I know. But we're on a single income and can't afford it

[CapnHawk]

Then you find a priest/minister/rabbi/Imam and talk to them.