Invading the privacy of your girlfriend/boyfriend?

[sophiabush123]

whose fault is it when your invading the privacy of your gf/bf?

My current boyfriend was texting his ex Lauren the other night when he was drunk and I was with him, I asked him what they were texting about and he said nothing. Last night when I was curious I asked to borrow his phone to find my phone, and he caught me looking through his texts, and he had deleted the texts from his ex Lauren, but had been texting a different ex yesterday!

I know it was wrong to do it, but he was being all sketchy about texting his ex the other night I wanted to know what it was about. He's never cheated before and I do trust him, but I was mostly jealous rather then not trusting him, and his response to when we were talking about it after he caught me was...

"You should have just asked me, I would be honest with you." but when I said I did ask the other night and he was sketchy about it he said "I was drunk, and probably just wanted to annoy you." How does that make sense? If he's not gonna tell me why should I even ask?

Again, I know I was wrong to do it, but is it not a little sketchy that he was texting both of his ex's in the same weekend? Do I not have a right to be suspicious if he won't be honest with me?

We mostly worked it out, but next time it happens I hope he's honest.

What do you guys think?

xoxo

Sophia

Updates

+1 y

it annoys me that he was texting old girlfriends. I understand innocent flirting with others is needed to keep a relationship going to a certain extent but I don't want it to be behind my back or with girls he has had romantic feelings for in the past.

[yauch]

you should have asked him directly again instead of being a little sneaky about it. what you did eats away at trust in the relationship because you have shown you do not totally trust him (as you went behind his back and looked through his phone) and now you have given him reason not to totally trust you (for the same reason). So really what you did has made things worse on two counts. Plus you didn't respect his privacy. I know it's hard if he was being sketchy but just think about the consequences of how you decide to react to something like this. you can make things better by being upfront and open with him, (and show you trust him) or you can do what you did and eat away at trust in the relationship and ultimitely respect. Just be careful. he may well be doing it to make you jealous but don't play that game just be open about it tell him it bothers you and ask him to stop. This will show respect and trust and he will appreciate it.

[greeneyedgal1]

I was drunk, and probably just wanted to annoy you." whata lame ass response. That isn't an honest response at all. If he wasn't being shady in the first place then you wouldn't have had to do what you did. If he is friends with the exes then fine, keep it out in the open and be honest. When people hide sh*t then issues like this arise. I would have done the same thing as you. If he wants respect and honesty then it works both ways. He needs to display that to you and be a little bit more mature. He was wrong.

[thecandymancan]

How was he wrong or immature? He obviously was open and honest about texting with his ex since he did it in front of her and she knew. He probably did it because he wanted her to know in the first place :) It isn't a lame response. Don't tell me you never wanted to make your boyfriend jealous just a little... Look at my response and tell me if I'm wrong.

[greeneyedgal1]

Because she asked WHAT he was texting to the exes and he didn't respond. Yes, he mentioned he was texting his exes but are the texts appropriate? If he is so forthright and open then it's not too much to just say, "Oh baby. I am texting Lauren...She is struggling with a Cal class." Sorry, my answer and stance remain static. Thanks for your perspective as it keeps things fresh for me.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel! Its a tough one, because you want to trust but there's that niggling suspicion and need to protect yourself by finding out the truth! My guy texts his best girl friend all the time as well as his ex of 4 years.. And I have done the snooping thing and seen messages like ''have I told you lately that I love you?'' aaaargh!

[sophiabush123]

That's so crossing the line! I'm sorry have you ever admitted to him that you saw that text?

[Opinion Owner]

No, I don't want to tell him that I saw the text, but have spoken about her. He knows how I feel and says that he is not attracted to her, he loves her as a friend. (has known her for 15 years...)

[thecandymancan]

That wasn't proper behavior at your part. Before I'd tell you that he should not have texted his ex either, but by now I think it's healthy to maintain contacts with other women even if you're in a serious relationship for several reasons:

1. Your current girlfriend automatically finds you more attractive since she sees that you spike interest in other girls.

2. You feel better because you know you are with your current girl because you want to and not because you lack other options.

3. If your girl dumps you, you won't be as depressed and lost as you'd be without maintaining contact with your exes.

So basically you should not go through his phone and just ask him next time. His reaction was very forthcoming and you should be glad he's so understanding.

[thecandymancan]

Of course I'm judging this by what I'd do and I would not pretend that a girl could trust me if I wasn't being serious with her. If I want to date other girls I openly tell her that we are not exclusive yet and that she should feel free to date. I think that it's very unnecessary and hurtful to deceive someone when it comes to being exclusive or not.

[sophiabush123]

I think there's a difference between your friend picking up girls every Friday night to hanging out with old boyfriends or girlfriends. I know that a little flirting with other people keeps your relationship from being boring, I admit I will flirt with guys if I'm out with my friends or ill flirt with some guy friends back home but these are all guys that I have never hooked up with or had any romantic feelings for and that's what makes me jealous is that he's texting old girlfriends

[thecandymancan]

My old girlfriend made this very same argument and I broke the contact to the girls. I have never regretted anything more than that. They might had been my girlfriends but if I'm with love with my current girlfriend than she should not feel threatened. If a girl asked me to do that today, we would have a huge problem and not because I would not like/love her but because once you start losing people in your life, you start losing your identity and it takes a long time to get it back...

[Littletad]

I don't think you were wrong at all. First, he was texting his ex. I mean what reason is there to do that? Second, he was doing it right next to you. Can he be anymore of an idiot? And third, he was drunk. You had every right to snoop, when he has no business texting his ex in the first place.

[thecandymancan]

Well, maybe because he did cut off his contacts to women for another girl once before and found out that it's the stupidest thing a man could do. Because both the man and the woman in the relationship feel that the man becomes inferior and loses his dynamics. I'm of course talking about long relationships (few years). It's healthy to maintain these contacts, flirt once in a while and feel attractive. My friends picks up girls every Friday for fun and he and his girlfriend are the greatest couple 7years.

[thecandymancan]

He never tales in further than talking and she finds it amusing because she trusts him (again... 7 years).

[thecandymancan]

Typo:

*never takes it further

[Georgia619]

Ive been through this exact thing in the last week. It's a horrible feeling to think the person you're with is doing things behind your back. I personally hate secrets and lies and think you were justified in looking.