Concerned about the relationship between my boyfriend and his girl work friend, should I ask him to not talk to her anymore?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 10 months. Recently, after a two-week break up, we got back together.

I noticed he was frequently discussing his female friend who helped him land a job. Though he reassured me of their platonic relationship, I was still feeling uncomfortable so I went through his phone. I discovered sexual texts exchanged like “want to fuck in your office?” While we were not together. He dismissed them as drunken loneliness because of the break up and didn’t actually mean it. His sexting was so aggressive it haunts me.

He insists on their continued friendship because they work together, despite my discomfort. He said he’s losing another friend for this relationship and was very upset. He also said I was mental ill for going through his phone and invading is privacy.

Side note: I haven’t been the best girlfriend either, I would go out drinking with guys friend and not respond back sometimes. I have never cheated or sent sexts to my guys friends but I understand how he feels about it. He also had used this against my accusations saying it’s not fair.

When I asked about their past he said they have been friends for a long time and said they hooked up once over 5 years ago and he doesn't see her that way.
While he claims to have no romantic interest, his defensive reaction and accusations of invasion are leaving me to question. I am wondering if I should overlook this because of my past actions.

We weren’t together when he sent the text but it’s the continued friendship I’m struggling with, that they work together, or if he’ll start hiding things from me and if he actually harbours feelings for her.

[Anonymous]

So, I do agree that your invading his privacy is a worrying thing which shows a lack of trust (though in this case, you where shown to be right about your suspicions so... yeah not sure, paranoidly checking on partners is bad, and unhealthy in a relationship, but a partner being unfaithful or causing you to feel you need to check on them is kinda worse).

Right, regarding policing your partners friends. Just don't do it. If your partner is going to cheat on you, their going to cheat on you and the best outcome you trying to police their friends can bring in increasing the sense of disinterest in you and an increased insentive to spend time with the friends your banning. It's human nature.

So, NO don't get involved there.

That said though, you do need him to give you something to make you feel confident that you can be secure. So, if he's a good partner (and right now thats sounding not too likely, sorry) he will want to back off from this girl and try to spend less time around her and he will want to reflect to you he's doing that.

If he's just continiously defensive, the likelyhood is he doesn't want to shut down any opportunities, but in fairness to they guy he's also probably truthful about his sexual intention toward here, right now.

So, my final note, support your partner; Make him feel able to be honest about his feelings and how he sees you AND other girls. I know it can be hard to hear, but your better off experiencing the reality and working with that than trying to force something. If, after talking your sure he's super interested in that direction, use the classic womanly winner, offer him more and keep him coming home for the bacon (as it where). That is, make it clear that your trusting him with regards remaining friends with this girl, but then get sexy with him and remind him of every reason why he doesn't need her (without actually saying that because that might just highlight an idea of a threesome in his head).

Now, you should be able to feel safe, loved and welcome in any serious relationship; If he isn't making some effort towards this but is all defensive without first going 'okay I do understand and for your sake because I love you, I'll stay away more from her' before saying 'but she IS my friend and I won't lie, I am not planning on cutting her out of my life either". If its that kind of level, thats showing you consideration but also show he's being honest.

Anyway, good luck, hope some or all of that helped.

[Asker]

What examples do you mean when you say womanly winner? I will occasionally cook him dinner or help him cook. We usually just make dinner together. I will clean up around the house and provide lots of reassurance and affirmations to support him in anything he’s doing. I tell him how funny , smart and sexy he is because he is! And I am very open to any of his fantasies in the bedroom as I am a sexual person myself. When I ask him what can I do more for him, he just says spend more time with me. Is that it or am I missing something here. What else can I do? Be more spontaneous? Cook dinner more? Initiate sex more? Help!

[Opinion Owner]

So, the ace card of a good woman is knowing her man the way he sees himself. It's the moments where you reflect this that wins a heart (also the biggest wins are the times you reflect finding a way to support some aspect of the guy that he knows is not really you thing [in a way that respects yourself and how you feel about the matter, but also shows your finding a way to recognise what your guys needing there too]). It does go both ways, but as a straight guy I'm obviously more aware of the girl side.

A really good one is being surprisingly relaxed when you have every right to be pissed at him (within reason); An example is, guy comes in late after promising to be there 30 minutes ago, he's expecting you to be mad and worried as anything. If right then, you first understand his reasons, then calmly but gently chastise the lateness (turning it into something flirty and sexual), that will be something the guys going to remember, especially when the average girl is controlling, demanding and feels most everything a guy does that's not to their tastes is so so wrong.

[Opinion Owner]

So much of my reply was lost to the stupid limit of length and it not copying the second half (lousy site).

I can't retype it all, but basiclly it was a warning against letting guy get complacient. If he's not reflecting back in the same compromising manor for your mistakes, then you risk him just presuming he's right all the time.

So I was basically describing that you need to first see if he's worth it, then make sure its clear your doing this out of love, and if he takes it for granted or keeps doing the bad thing, next time be more blunt;

It's an art. Reason I call it "womanly winner" is the done right, it keep the guy aprechiating the girl beyond other girls and its a real artfom to both 'take a hit' but also effectively communicate you are doing so, without making the other party feel too awful (e. g. leave them feeling embarassed for their mistake but greatful for your handling such that they don't want to do it again, but feel they trust you if they have to for some / any reason).

Best of luck

[Drew-1990]

You can't ask him not to talk to her at work that is unreasonable. But depending on the circumstances maybe he can keep it just at work. I understand your fear considering they did sleep together before but if he hasn't for years and he didn't actually do it doing your breakup you either need to trust him or don't.

Now you going through his phone was definitely wrong. He has a right to upset with that. But on the text you did find, people are the most honest when drunk so he did want it but you were broken up at that point so personally for myself I have mixed feelings.

And maybe you don't text your guy friends but you are basically doing the same thing with them as he does with her but they work together and you are hanging out with them at a bar. I think you both need to work on this together and figure out a way that works for you both to be happy and trusting of each other.

[Asker]

Agreed, I haven't been the best girlfriend either. Problems seem to stem from our drinking behaviors. We are both working towards limiting the drinking from our lives and having open honest communication when one of us if feeling uncertain.
Thank you!

[Drew-1990]

Your welcome I hope you can work it out with him and work through your problems.

[_Maya_]

Sounds like you both have some issues to work through. You are insecure if you have to snoop through his phone. Was it cool what he texted her? Probably not but you two weren't together so you really don't have much of a say other than being upset that he would move on intimately with someone so quickly. It also is unrealistic to expect him not to talk to a coworker. If they work together they need to be able to communicate. They can keep it professional but to ask him not to talk to her isn't realistic at all. The problem I see is you don't trust him after finding that and he probably doesn't trust you after you went through his phone. That is going to be a problem going forward in my eyes.

[Asker]

Yes that was my fear, our trust issues moving forward. I promised him from now on I would never look through his phone unless I asked him first. I told him that I’m fine with him communicating with her but if he wants to step out then tell me and I will move on.

[_Maya_]

Well at least you are both talking about it and trying to find a way forward. That is a good thing. Hope it works for you two. Best of luck.

[Asker]

Thank you xo

[TommyMountainFigure]

I'm just curious how you expect people to respond when you tell us you've gone through his phone, and considering asking him not to talk to her any more..
If things were reverse and you read HIM asking that question in here about you, would you stay or leave?

[Asker]

It was the fact that he told me he didn’t have feelings for her when I asked and then seeing those messages after makes hard to believe he doesn’t. I feel like if we ever fight will he go to her?
It’s the continued friendship with her that bothers me and It leaves me wondering if they got together while I was with him. I know I was in the wrong for going through his phone. That is my insecurities that need reflection but where did these insecure feelings come from?

[TommyMountainFigure]

You don't have to tell me what the break up was all about, the important thing is.. did you just say ok lets give it another go? Or did you resolve the issues that caused the break up, because this issue is where I suspect the lack of trust is coming from!

[jahaims]

That's why you don't take breaks dummy. If you don't trust someone don't be with them.