My boyfriend wouldn’t let me wear what I want. Is he being reasonable?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I were going out on a date and I wore a long sleeve crop top that showed a little cleavage and a high waisted mini skirt. When I showed him my outfit he told me I looked great but he wouldn’t let me out the door until I changed. So I changed into a dress and he said it was too short. I told him I wanted to dress up for him on our date and I felt like it was appropriate enough but he told me he didn’t want guys seeing too much of me. Which I understand. I thought my outfit was teasing but not too revealing, is he being reasonable?

[CallMeDave]

I don't think "Is he being reasonable?" is the right question. He feels the way he feels. In order for a relationship to succeed, both people have to accept the way their partner feels, even if they don't agree, and work together to find solutions to issues that they both find acceptable. Whether other people think it's reasonable or not really doesn't matter.

There are guys that like their girlfriend/wife to draw attention from other guys and there are guys that really don't like that. He seems to be in the second group.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It probably means that you are really special and really important to him and it upsets him to think about other guys thinking about you in a sexual way. He could be thinking that some guys look at women pretty much as purely sex objects and the idea of that upsets him because he cares about you and thinks you deserve more respect than you'll get from those kinds of guys.

Some people would call him controlling, but my guess is that he probably just cares a lot about you. I don't really like his approach of saying it in a way that makes it seem like he thinks he is in control of what you wear, but I don't think the general idea of him preferring that you dress modestly is a bad thing. Whether it's an issue or not depends on how you feel about it.

If you find it too restricting and it upsets you, then it could be a problem. If he's important enough to you that you don't mind dressing a little differently than you normally would in order to make him feel better, then it doesn't have to be a problem. Relationships that work always involve both people compromising in some areas because no two people will ever think exactly alike on everything. I think it's not good though if people have to compromise on their core beliefs so if dressing in a flirty way is really important to you and it's really distressing to him, then you might not be compatible. If it's not that important to you, but is to him, then my opinion is that this could be a case where you need to do the compromising. There will probably other things that are really important to you that he will need to compromise on and hopefully he will do that.

If you are willing to make adjustments, I think it would be good to talk with him about what makes him uncomfortable and then see if you can find things that you still feel good wearing that don't make him uncomfortable.

[dingo]

My boyfriend would not let me wear what I want. Is he being reasonable?

Most people would say that their significant other is the reason they look good. After all, they are the ones who help us pick out clothes that flatter our bodies and make us feel confident. However, what happens when our taste in fashion clashes with our partner's?

In this case, it's important to remember that our significant others are not fashion experts (despite what they may think). Instead, they are simply people who want us to look our best. So, if our boyfriends or husbands are telling us that we can't wear something, it's probably because they think it's not flattering or doesn't make us look your best.

Now, that doesn't mean that our significant others are always right about what we should wear. There are definitely times when they are wrong and we should stand our ground. However, if we're honest with ourselves, there are probably also times when they are right and we should listen to their advice.

So, the next time your partner tells you that you can't wear something, ask yourself if they might have a point. It might just save you from making a fashion faux pas.

[DeBoss0527]

Wear what you want, and tell him to shit up girl. You do you I mean don't go out flaunting it all, but wear something cute or teasing, and tell him if he wants to keep acting that way he can stand at the other end of the bar. I don't find him to be reasonable at all. Plus, if he is going to blame you for guys staring then he obviously needs some reassurance that you are going to stay, and to be man enough to tell them that they need to find a different piece of eye candy for the night.

[WhalesLyfe]

I can't tell if I don't see exactly the outfit but either way it seems as if he's insecure and jealous that if another guy hits on you, you'll be blow away and leave him. No guy really likes it when their girlfriend dresses up nicely in public even if it's for them. But if it's to the point that he's asked you to change 3-4 times, that's an issue that you both need to talk about. He can have input in your clothing style but he shouldn't control you and force you to change what you're wearing. There is common sense in what to wear and then there's controlling.

[MissGee212]

Oh my, girlfriend! He's sounds like a controlling man. You better nip his insecure behaviour in the bud. Never allow him to dictate what you wear. If you do, he will then tell you who you can hang out with or not, where you can go, who you can talk to etc.. BIG NO! You will lose your identity with this kind of man if you allow this to continue.

[ragequeen]

He is insecure. You should be able to wear what you want without your SO to get too involved. If you wear those clothes to get attention from others than your boyfriend, he has a good reason to be annoyed. Dress how you want, but keep in mind what kind of messages you are sending out. You can still be beautiful and sexy without revealing clothes, I think that`s what he is thinking.

[jennifer_bloom]

Guys like conservative and modest girls - I’ve heard of guys who always have very gorgeous girlfriends that end up marrying conservatively dresses plain janes, it’s their nature to want exclusive access to your beauty.

[Ciscoin]

I have mixed feelings about this one. I'd love seeing my girl wearing something she thinks she looks good in, but as a horny 20 year old, I know how horny 20 year olds think. I'm not saying that he's in the wrong or right for asking you to change, but I DO want to point out that he was, at least, respectful about the way he asked. People can say all they want about wanting to wear what they want wear, but sometimes it's not the simple. I'm afraid of my sister going out in public wearing something provocative because I know there are scumbags out there. As a black man, I'm afraid of wearing a hoodie in public because I know there are shitty cops that eill assume the worst about me from a glance. Be mindful of what your apparel can potentially say about you - true or otherwise, because the world has a habit of being kind of ugly.

[Q-tipBoy]

Yeah, I agree. People who are saying that he's controlling , jelous or insecure are bundle of fools

[Ciscoin]

I wouldn't go as far as to say that they're foolish. Perhaps "limited by their idealistic principle" is more appropriate.

[Sparkzs]

He's not being reasonable, furthermore he's being overprotective which is actually a form of abuse. Most cases for overprotection are made from the standpoint of parent to child; but that behavior certainly exists in the dating/married world. I would try to talk to your boyfriend about *why* he's uncomfortable and address that issue. It's your business how you dress and represent yourself, and if he's trying to control you on something where you should be the only one who should have a final decision, then he's not a good person - and disallowing you to go outside is really not okay, either.

www.lovepanky.com/.../signs-to-know-if-hes-overprotective-and-dominating

[globetrotter22]

There is a difference between feedback vs control.

On one end I know how it feels to be apprehensive, jealous, etc. if other guys check out my girlfriend (especially if she’s wearing revealing clothing). There is nothing wrong with him expressing how he feels about that. If she’s really cares about how he feels then she will most likely change what she’s wearing. But he can’t and shouldn’t try to force her to do anything.

However him actually saying “I won’t let you out the door” and seriously meaning it is a red flag. He’s a potential control freak and it’s not a sign of masculinity but actual deep insecurity.

It’s so sad that so many women fall for control freaks.

[ShortCircuit]

I don't think so, honestly. I think the only limit on acceptable attire when in presence of your boyfriend is U. S. law. Now, I don't think such clothes as you described would be acceptable in the absence of your boyfriend--but if he will be with you, then it is obvious that you are wearing them to impress him rather than anyone else, so I don't see a problem with it.

[murdanyc916]

He may be insecure, but remember to be respectful to yourself. The image you portray others makes a larger difference then most of us think.

Example... I wear Christian Dior Tuxedos to business meetings but I wear a regular suit/khakis/tie when visiting other meetings. That has gotten me very political, powerful, and high stature friends across my entire state from every town and city.

Yet... when I walk downtown in my own city to buy a pair of shoes... I wear baggy jeans, nikes, a black tee, fitted hat, nice jewelry, and 3 carat diamonds in each ear. Not so much accepted by my political friends and police start to eyeball me, lol.

[xBuddyLovex]

Cause then you looking to sexy he going to have to worry about guys hitting on you or saying some stupid cat call and then he going to have to say something since he's your boyfriend and to let them know to back off which may or may not lend into a fight so yeah it saves him a lot of trouble and stress for you to dress less sexy
While that is what I used to tell my Girlfriend when she wanted to go out wearing short short shorts and a mini skirt so mini she just has to bend over a little you able to see her ass so I can relate to him

[ashleyb93]

Fuckin DUMP HIM wtf? I would have laughed in his face and walked out the door and said, "anyway, you coming?" That's literally the only correct way to respond to a dumbass man telling you what to wear. If he still wants to control you show him out the door because fuck that.

[Obedient]

No. Control freak. Let me guess, he didn't say anything about how you dressed when you caught his attention in the first place. And just in case he doesn't like your friends, I suggest you make a stand and do not be isolated from your friends. It is usually all down hill from there.

[SpaceFungus-07a]

It seems pretty reasonable so far. That's not to say he couldn't go overboard and try to force you to wear baggy clothes all the time or something. But it's important to remember that whatever you wear reflects on him while you're together. So dressing super provocatively just isn't classy when you're on a date in a public place.

[On_the_other_hand]

If you are dressing up for him... then dress up for him.

Everyone feels different about what makes them comfortable.

You can dress the way you want but then you are disregarding his feelings. Totally up to you.

[Spawnface]

Who's the one being unreasonable? Forgive me for having to point it out but the lack of context provided by these choices of clothing might insinuate a cover up.

So first, what is reasonable?

I'd easily believe the guy is being unreasonable but at the same time I question whether you both are.

[FlyingHorses]

This sounds quite controlling! The fact he wouldn't let you out the door unless you changed? I have been in a controlling relationship, it only gets worse! Mine got to the point where if I wore make up he would kick off at me and accuse me of cheating! Please be careful x

[Finchie40]

Not at all , sounds like he is a insecure control freak to be honest, he should be thankful his girl wants to dress sexy for him , sorry to say sounds like you're going to have some trouble in this relationship

[Spawnface]

What is the point of dressing "sexy", "provacative", "inappropriately"? Because I feel you have chosen a prejudice veiw before deciding what is true.

But I can agree there will be lots of trouble in this relationship by the signs of this. These guys can't even come to the answer amongst themselves. Ha

[Finchie40]

Its just a control thing if. she feels. comfortable and happy with whatever outfit she chooses , whether she wants to look sexy and feel good about herself , or dress sexy for her man then the guy shouldn't. judge her he should be proud his girl wants to look. good for whatever reason, it's his insecurity that will push her away unless she. likes being. told what to do then thats a different story but i domt. know them so from what i read it sounds like he. is just insecure period

[Spawnface]

I get how you may be interpretting it. It's like the man is simply overreacting. It's that the mantra you use is actually illogical and bad policy. It's fine, I wouldn't think of you as evil because of it. Even if I thought it was ignorant it's like the saying "He who be without sin throw the first stone", you know? Like could anyone pick up a stone like that?

I think these mantras have consequences, particularily this one you would put forth seems it would encourage indecent behaviour, namely a lack of consideration. As tiny of a matter it appears, it also seems self evident to me that great things start from humble beginnings.

So, would you think all control is bad? Like, parents control their kids, so, why can't we let kids do whatever they want then?

Is what the girl thinks feels good always what we should let her do? Drug dealers and addicts may love or hate that answer.

[Spawnface]

Is it inherently wrong to feel insecure? Like, if you know wearing a Klan's outfit at a democratic convention might get you in trouble, is it okay to feel insecure then?

Is it really reasonable that a man finds every choice a woman makes to be respectable? He should be proud of whatever she feels she wants? I understand that showing a little leg isn't evil but the justification for it being that a woman can justly do whatever she wants seems a bit faulty.

I see their might be a consequence to allegedly acting insecure but is it never a good thing? Why is the man at a misfortune if he loses a distasteful woman?

[Spawnface]

It should be easily noticed that the act of dressing sexy is to attract men, or women. That's it's single goal. It feels reeeally good to look sexy. But this brings the advance of other men onto his woman? This instigates his insecurity, its reasonable to feel that in a broad sense. She is responsible for bringing negative feelings to him, its preventable. The issue shouldn't be if the man is secure, it should be why he is insecure, dont you agree?

[Spawnface]

sorry for posting so much. I suppose I could have focussed on less things. You made a lot of presuppositions to address.

[Finchie40]

Again i dont really know their relationship but it comes down to if he feels he needs to control what she wears when he goes out on a date with her then what does he do when she isn't with him? To me it's silly to try to control someone and force them to fit your needs all. that does is cause resentments so it's a sign of insecurity , which will lead to disaster considering she is going to think fuck you for trying. to boss me around. If you can't accept me for who i am their is someone out there that will. The only time i can see controling someone is in bed in a sexual way. So back to the question , this girl apparently doesn't like being told what she can and can not wear or she wouldn't be asking this question. A relationship should be based off of respect and trust , not force , love isn't forced it can only be guided.

[Finchie40]

So worrying about whether other guys are going. ro be checking her out is silly and insecure. What if she was the 1 telling him to change cuz she is worried about other girls checking him out? Will that be ok? He wouldn't be pissed off knowing his outfit wasn't acceptable? Thats the problem with relationships and why a lot don t last , you dont get into a relationship with someone to control them, a relationship is based off of respect and trust , if you can't do that then you shouldn't be in a relationship cuz all you are. doing is wasting time.

[Finchie40]

Forcing someone to be what you want them to be leads to resentments , so. thats why you should never force someone to do what you want. them. to do to please you you should always wear. their shoes like they wear. yours , if they can't time to move on.

[Spawnface]

I certainly understand where you're coming from. If these "ifs" are true in the circumstances you provided I would agree with you. But as I pointed out the inherent principles to the mantras are wrong. These "ifs" portray a lot of assumptions, prejudism, assuming that any circumstance is justifiable under these presuppositions. It's like saying, "the way my clothes suit me, they must suit you"

Don't get me wrong, I agree with you for the instances you mean to address but these instances are being used to blanket term exceptions to everything else.

[Purpleronnie]

Short of my girl walking out the door dressed like a prostitute I would not react like him at all. If my girl wants to dress showing a little like that I means I I just spend the whole night working up an appetite for later 🥰. I think it’s such s compliment if your girl wants to look sexy for you. The way he reacts tells me that he is very insecure and a little controlling too. If your truly ok with him saying that then no harm otherwise I’d have a little chat :)

[JSmuve]

Unless your date was to a strip club, I'm not sure of the appropriateness of what you were wearing. *shrugs* not all guys want other guys checking out their girlfriends as they walk down the street wearing skirts that barely cover their asses and wearing shirts that show off their tits. It sends a message and draws attention that some guys aren't comfortable with.

[AynonOMouse]

It is reasonable to ask an SO to not do certain things. I'm sure you wouldn't want him going to a strip club getting lap dances because that would be disrespectful to the relationship, just like dressing provocatively is disrespectful to the relationship.

[AishaTabby]

Okay, there is a HUGE difference between getting given a lap dance, which is an actual sexual act, arguably cheating. And dressing ‘provocatively’. It’s absurd to see them as comparable and equatable. When you dress to look good, to look attractive, you’re arguably always dressing provocatively, you want people to like how you look. You want YOUR PARTNER to like how you look. That’s just the nature of clothes and style.

[AynonOMouse]

@AishaTabby If you dress that way in public, especially when going somewhere without your partner then it is to get the attention of others. If they really wanted to do it for their partner then they would dress that way at home with them, not in public for others.

[000_000]

It probably shouldn’t get to the point where he’s telling you what to wear. But you guys are probably still learning how to get in sync. Since you guys are dating it’s probably a good idea to keep a mental note that stuff like that bothers him. But yes you should tell him to knock it off

[Lightning8]

I think he is being insecure. But I do think there is a difference between looking attractive and looking sexy. You can look sexy for your partner anytime. So why would you dress in a way that attracts "sexy" attention in public from other guys when you want to look attractive, is where I think he is coming from. At some point he should feel secure and comfortable to let you dress "sexy" in public though if you really want to.