Is my French boyfriend racist?

[alyssacai]

I'm Chinese and my boyfriend is French. On our second date he asked me if Chinese people eat dogs, and later when we were together he did some racist jokes like saying "chingchong" to me. I got upset and told him that's racist, he said he didn't know then he stoped. I've been with him for 1 year and more, we live in London now. I feel very uncomfortable when he sees Asian people walking on the street he always notifies it to me such as "all the Asians I've seen are with suitcase". Today I am pissed off again by similar issue again, I show him a Chinese TV show which has an intermarriage couple, he points to the Chinese wife and say she looks very old, and other judgy comments, and also asks me if the white husband is popular in China because he is white. I get extremely mad and start argue with him, then he is like I don't know what's wrong with you.

Is it not the first time for him to be a 'racist', but he always denies that and says he grows up with black people around him. I have no idea what to do, it seems impossible to convince a racist not being racist, or he is just being judgmental?

[MrOracle]

Is he racist? Yes, at least a bit. It sounds like he honestly doesn't realize it, though. I totally understand why you're upset about it, and you need to keep pointing it out to him so that he learns, but sometimes he may ask questions out of genuine curiosity that seem more racist than he's really trying to be. Try not to be TOO oversensitive about it, but at the same time, definitely call him out when he crosses the line. That "chingchong" crap is not okay.

He's going to have to adjust, but you're also going to have to accept that it's going to take some time for him to make those adjustments. He has probably never had anyone point out his poor behavior before, so he's not used to watching what he says.

You have to live with him - we don't - so ultimately it's up to you to decide how much is too much, but give him some time to make those adjustments too. It's likely that he'll improve with time, and if he doesn't, then kick him to the curb.

[alyssacai]

Thank you very much for your opinions. Yes, you are right about his unawareness of the racism, and I do understand that because he grows up in a small town in France with almost zero connection with other different race, although he keeps saying about growing up around black, but all of his friends are white. I did already let go of the chingchong and dogs things, because I know he has no idea how serious these words mean in English, and he did stop since I told him.

He is an innocent and simple guy, and he does respect me, I really appreciate that. But what I'm concerning is if he is racist in nature and he doesn't even think he is, it is something very fundamental because he can change his actions but he can't change his believe. For now, I think he does know what he say is not good (at least they are upsetting me), and he has been to China for visiting my family, but he still asks things like "if the white guy is popular in China" makes me feel he is very evil and does it on purpose. I don't know how to communicate with him about this since he thinks I'm the one who makes a big deal out of it.

[MrOracle]

All you can do is do your best to help him understand. I'm sure it's not easy, but try not to get upset at him as much, but focus on helping him understand WHY it's bad. He needs to understand the WHY, and once he does, then he'll be able to adjust his actions on his own.

[NearlyNapping]

It sounds like he might be somewhat racist. But it sounds more like he's just ignorant and clueless. Asking questions about other cultures is certainly not racist. That's probably just ignorance and curiosity.

Saying things like chingchong is just wow! Seriously? If it's not racist, he's sure clueless as hell and doesn't think.

On the other, he's going with you. I don't see how he can do that if he really is that racist.

In the end, I think he's probably just clueless and doesn't seem to care to make an effort to change things. You guys need a good talk. In this case I think it's "you talk, he listens".

[alyssacai]

Well, I believe there may be some cultural barriers for the chingchong word, he is French, and he is not the only French who said that to me as a joke. One of my French girlfriends did it once, after I told her it's racist she said she thought it's a greeting things to say to an Asian, so I guess some of them are indeed cureless about the meaning of that word in English.

[NearlyNapping]

Here in the US, it's derogatory, and everyone knows it, or should know it. I'm not sure if derogatory is the right word though. Maybe more like degrading.

To be honest, I find it surprising that someone in any country would think it's a greeting. But I suppose it's possible.

[alyssacai]

Yes, exactly. I was in New York state for my high school, and that's why I know the meaning. But to be honest, if I didn't have this experience, I won't find it offensive at all, because most of Chinese don't even know its existence in China. Anyway, this word is considered as a very insulting one in many English speaking countries, some French people know it too. But I guess he and my French girlfriend are just not familiar with this culture.

[Annie12234]

Break up with him and find someone else who ain’t racist with you.

[HANAZAWA]

No. More along the line of being curious and slightly mischievous.

[RolandCuthbert]

I don’t understand. It isn’t like he became like this all of a sudden. You knew about this awhile ago. I am not saying to put up with it. But if you are going to stay with him you have to understand this is who he is. I don’t understand why it matters if he is racist or not. He might just dislike Chinese culture. Or maybe he hates all Arabs. What difference would that make to you? I think the biggest issue is you voiced a concern and he simply does care how these comments make you feel. I am not certain why you are trying to cloak this in some righteous indignation. It isn’t like other racist remarks would make you upset. Why not just deal with the fact that he does not respect you enough to take your concerns seriously? Then just leave it at that. Now it makes things a little simpler to talk about.

[alyssacai]

Thank you, I see what you mean. But the issue of racism does matter, a lot, to me at least, because it is not acceptable for me if my partner is always making offensive comments or jokes about my culture. As you said, he might just dislike Chinese culture, if it's true what kind of person does that make to him for staying with me? It is not just about indignation, it is about respect. His issue here is more like he is not even aware of his racism, which means he won't be able to tell if his words are appropriate or not, if I have to point it out every time, it is upsetting for both of us. He is not lack of respect, he is lack of awareness.

[RolandCuthbert]

Hey you do not have to defend him against me. He is your boyfriend. If you are happy with him, then I am happy for you both. But you claim this is about awareness? Your awareness or his? Because again if he understood this bothered you he would try to make a change. Apparently either he does not understand you or he does not care. If he doesn’t understand maybe you two need counseling. But I don’t mean to tell you what to do or what to think. You know your boyfriend far better than I ever could. And if it is just a lack of awareness maybe you just need to work harder at making him understand.

Good luck.

[I_am_here_]

if you really complain about it too much, marriage wouldn't be good if you marry him
so its better if breaking up earlier.
but if u love him so much, then continue
by the way i like Asian girls.
:D and I've been to china once, there were beautiful girls

[Anonymous]

Quit getting so offended easily he is just joking around. Guys like to joke around cause guys don’t get offended easy sounds like you need to date women

[R_Cakes91]

He’s playing innocent/dumb. He should know better.

[Tyffen]

Interracial is an unstable mess

[abc3643]

Dump him.

[saeyamazaki]

yes he is racist.

[saeyamazaki]

well, more like ignorant.