Do guys have patience for a damaged girl or are they too much work?

[Anonymous]

We're talking someone who is damaged from their past relationships. Had an open conversation with a group of friends of mine. Apparently, girls who went through so much in their failed relationship that the more 'damaged' they get, the more they are considered crazy for acting up due to past drama.

So guys are starting to avoid those considered damaged because they don't have the patience to deal with them. So are they basically doomed?

Patience

No patience

Updates

+1 y

Oof all these answers from people who dealt with some of these damaged lady's. Please share to us what it was that turned you off from them. Probably help some of those who don't realize that they are hurting you.

[akihon]

My ex-wife has bipolar disorders along with borderline personality disorders and anger management. I won't say how she developed these as, as much as I don't care what happens to her now she still deserves some privacy.

So you want to know what turned me off, it's really simple, I worked hard to help her as much as I could even getting a diploma in mental health, mental health first aid and psychology and treatment.

What then could have it been, well it wasn't one thing but a series, first the debt she caused, the lies and then finally the cheating, but worst of all was not at any point taking any responsibility for her actions not even acknowledging that these things have happened because she chose them.

Now for the cruel bit, whenever I meet somebody I always ask if they have any mental health issues, some have lied and then forgot they leave their medication in the bathroom, others have said outright yes they do.

The result for me then is the same regardless, I walk without even a goodbye, I've been damaged by it because I stuck around when I should have walked and that's a lesson I will not forget.

[walt0462]

If the guy is seriously into the girl he will have all the patient in the world even if he night have lingering doubts about the seriousness of the relationship... At least that's how it is for me I don't know what the average guy wouldn't do since I'm not average

[SteveSmith1985]

I would (and have) had patience for "a damaged girl'.

In fact, when it comes right down to it, WAY more people are 'damaged' than you think.

I guess there are certainly some guys who think it's "too much work" (based on your poll here)

But I can tell you FOR SURE that there are other guys out there--like me--who would just never consider it "work."

You've been through whatever you've been through. It has left whatever scars it has left with you. If you find a guy who cares about you, then none of that is going to look like "work" to him. When you care about somebody. their pain becomes your pain.

So I was a little surprised by the number of guys who answered that they would consider it "too much work". For me... that just "doesn't compute."

I honestly don't get it.

I don't think that your being 'damaged' is going to 'hold you back' relationship-wise at all. I can't see you having a problem finding a guy you like out of the half of us who wouldn't mind ONE BIT that you're 'damaged'.

Please don't let whatever you've suffered in the past... cause you to suffer even more by looking at yourself as 'damaged'. I HATE that term frankly. It's inaccurate. You're not damaged. You've just suffered. There is a difference.

:)

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

It depends, some are, some are not.
My fiancée is not really a damaged girl, but she has her eccentricities that turned off one of her exes.
I'm a bit puzzled by some of them, but I love her all the same and do my best to understand them.

[SjE78]

I have had experiences throughout my life from childhood to adulthood which would probably classify me as 'Damaged goods' but i have dated some women who had similar experiences, and while they have experienced horrors of past relationships or family being abusive, or some unforeseen events which scarred their lives badly... if you like someone so much they are worth understanding, worth the time and effort which coudl help them through their experiences and show them that that damage doesn't need to be final, not everyone is the same, that they have a future...
so yeah i have been called everything during those stages but stayed despite the difficulties cos i know the pain, confusion and feeling of betrayal and dissappointment of when someone gives up on you.
so patience, can lead to healing, which can lead to learning about who matters and what it's like to love, patience can also be the stepping stone to finally be free of the chains of our pasts which can hold us down for so long...
so yes I have patience, and time and a willingness to understand.

[hellionthesagereborn]

Well here is the problem here, they say its because of past relationships, now maybe that's true, maybe they where not involved in it and not the source and some how every single time they just got conned and the guy was nice and then suddenly for no reason what so ever became a bad person and their where no red flags of any kind what so ever, maybe that's true. How likely is it though? Its not likely, in fact one could say its so improbable as to be nearly unheard of.

So they made these choices, they sought out these men, they made those decisions and passed up good guys (because despite what women like to claim yes, their are a lot of good guys in this world and yes you do generally ignore them for what ever reason (they are not attractive enough, maybe not in a good place in their life, or maybe they are too shy to make the first move or are socially awkward or you think they are "boring" as so many women do)). So how can one look at a woman in such a situation and not place at least some of that blame on her? You can't.

The other issue is that these women clearly do not see them as being the issue, they are the only common denominator in all of this but for some reason according to them they have done nothing wrong, that is a huge red flag for men, especially if they are not making an effort to overcome that damage and put themselves back together.

So are they doomed? No, but if they refuse to take responsibility for their actions and choices, refuse to try and fix their behaviors then yes, most men will stay the hell away from them and the ones that won't will be driven away by these women. If you are damaged and you expect your partner to shoulder all of that burden while you just coast on by then not only are you going to be alone, you deserve to be because its not fair to place all of your burdens on your partners shoulders and just expect that they should deal with this for the rest of their life.

[NearlyNapping]

I've dealt with serious baggage and I'm not going to do it again. Guys who say they'll have patience has probably never dealt with it. "Patience" implies all you have to do is be patience and it will somehow magically work itself out. That's highly unlikely to happen.

If you get in a relationship with someone, you have to take them as they are now. Being with someone conditionally, with the expectation that they will change in the future, means that you don't really accept them. You aren't in love with them. You are in love with an imaginary person.

Friends. Yes. Try to help them. Yes. Relationship. No.

[Bananaman177]

I'm genuinely sorry if somebody ever mistreated you, but the person you need to take that out on is the one who did it. If you take it out on me when I didn't do anything to you, I'll dump your ass flat right then and there, no questions asked.

I catch enough shit for what I have done without catching shit for something some other motherfucker did. I don't give a fuck how damaged you are, that doesn't give you a license to damage me.

The only reason you're so fucked up by your past relationships is because you picked a rotten douchebag over all the more worthy suitors and stayed with him long after you should have broken up. You have no one to blame but yourself, if you wanted to pass the blame onto someone else, you could blame the douchebag you dated. But the one person you have no business blaming is me. Understand? I believe it's extremely simple.

[lightbulb27]

That's such a good and challenging question. It kinda depends.

I've seen people who went through terrible damage relationships and are now happily married, had kids and successful.

But would I personally take on a woman who hasn't dealt with her damage... probably not. What's important is to get healed before you go into relationship otherwise, when your mind chooses someone else, they likely choose poorly... since the damage is influencing the decision. So it doesn't make sense male or female. Get yourself to a good place, then re-pair bond. You choose much better when your emotional heart is healthy and are running on your own chemicals, not artificial drugs to mask the underlying pains.

[lightbulb27]

I'm more comfortable with someone who is open about their issues than someone who hides themselves.

[Passinggas]

The worst thing about my damaged ex-s was that they claimed to be tough then used their past bad experiences as an excuse while I had/have been through so much worse. Their excuses for being what amounted to being a bad person fell on deaf-ears with me because I saw so much worse. I just never could stand for meaningless bull$hit and I never believed that I had to tolerate it either. If she isn’t/wasn’t tough mentally, I don’t/didn’t want her. All respond differently to traumatic events in their lives, some fold while others blossom.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

A girl can be "damaged" in many ways, same as guys. A damaged guy could be someone who beats his wife every night after work, or he could just have some self esteem issues and need some extra love and attention. Same for women. I could date a girl who maybe was mistreated by another guy and needs me to just be a bit more patient and loving and understanding. But if she gets so freaked out from me just touching her that she's screaming and throwing furniture, then it's probably best that she be single for a while and just deal with her PTSD or whatever it is that's ailing her. It's that whole thing of "tending to your own garden first". The most damaged girls are gonna have a harder time fulfilling their partner's needs in a relationship. They're too absorbed in their own trauma, and it will drain the guy's energy over time, even if he's well-intentioned and wants to help. At a certain point you just gotta put on your own life jacket before attending to those around you.

[fireheart105]

Basically my ex who is still my best friend. She had countless amount of walls that she had built due to her rough life but after a year we got through it but sadly we just aren't able to be together but I hope that things didn't turn back to how they were because she still trust me far more than any other person in her life so I find if they are willing to be patient as well then so am i

[fireheart105]

To clarify breaking up wasn't our first option. Dispute how the rest of her family felt towards me her mother couldnt stand me and to us family is everything so if her family couldn't accept us being together then at least we can always be friends