Do guys have patience for a damaged girl or are they too much work?

[Anonymous]

We're talking someone who is damaged from their past relationships. Had an open conversation with a group of friends of mine. Apparently, girls who went through so much in their failed relationship that the more 'damaged' they get, the more they are considered crazy for acting up due to past drama.

So guys are starting to avoid those considered damaged because they don't have the patience to deal with them. So are they basically doomed?

Patience

No patience

Updates

+1 y

Oof all these answers from people who dealt with some of these damaged lady's. Please share to us what it was that turned you off from them. Probably help some of those who don't realize that they are hurting you.

[akihon]

My ex-wife has bipolar disorders along with borderline personality disorders and anger management. I won't say how she developed these as, as much as I don't care what happens to her now she still deserves some privacy.

So you want to know what turned me off, it's really simple, I worked hard to help her as much as I could even getting a diploma in mental health, mental health first aid and psychology and treatment.

What then could have it been, well it wasn't one thing but a series, first the debt she caused, the lies and then finally the cheating, but worst of all was not at any point taking any responsibility for her actions not even acknowledging that these things have happened because she chose them.

Now for the cruel bit, whenever I meet somebody I always ask if they have any mental health issues, some have lied and then forgot they leave their medication in the bathroom, others have said outright yes they do.

The result for me then is the same regardless, I walk without even a goodbye, I've been damaged by it because I stuck around when I should have walked and that's a lesson I will not forget.

[walt0462]

If the guy is seriously into the girl he will have all the patient in the world even if he night have lingering doubts about the seriousness of the relationship... At least that's how it is for me I don't know what the average guy wouldn't do since I'm not average

[SteveSmith1985]

I would (and have) had patience for "a damaged girl'.

In fact, when it comes right down to it, WAY more people are 'damaged' than you think.

I guess there are certainly some guys who think it's "too much work" (based on your poll here)

But I can tell you FOR SURE that there are other guys out there--like me--who would just never consider it "work."

You've been through whatever you've been through. It has left whatever scars it has left with you. If you find a guy who cares about you, then none of that is going to look like "work" to him. When you care about somebody. their pain becomes your pain.

So I was a little surprised by the number of guys who answered that they would consider it "too much work". For me... that just "doesn't compute."

I honestly don't get it.

I don't think that your being 'damaged' is going to 'hold you back' relationship-wise at all. I can't see you having a problem finding a guy you like out of the half of us who wouldn't mind ONE BIT that you're 'damaged'.

Please don't let whatever you've suffered in the past... cause you to suffer even more by looking at yourself as 'damaged'. I HATE that term frankly. It's inaccurate. You're not damaged. You've just suffered. There is a difference.

:)

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

It depends, some are, some are not.
My fiancée is not really a damaged girl, but she has her eccentricities that turned off one of her exes.
I'm a bit puzzled by some of them, but I love her all the same and do my best to understand them.

[SjE78]

I have had experiences throughout my life from childhood to adulthood which would probably classify me as 'Damaged goods' but i have dated some women who had similar experiences, and while they have experienced horrors of past relationships or family being abusive, or some unforeseen events which scarred their lives badly... if you like someone so much they are worth understanding, worth the time and effort which coudl help them through their experiences and show them that that damage doesn't need to be final, not everyone is the same, that they have a future...
so yeah i have been called everything during those stages but stayed despite the difficulties cos i know the pain, confusion and feeling of betrayal and dissappointment of when someone gives up on you.
so patience, can lead to healing, which can lead to learning about who matters and what it's like to love, patience can also be the stepping stone to finally be free of the chains of our pasts which can hold us down for so long...
so yes I have patience, and time and a willingness to understand.

[hellionthesagereborn]

Well here is the problem here, they say its because of past relationships, now maybe that's true, maybe they where not involved in it and not the source and some how every single time they just got conned and the guy was nice and then suddenly for no reason what so ever became a bad person and their where no red flags of any kind what so ever, maybe that's true. How likely is it though? Its not likely, in fact one could say its so improbable as to be nearly unheard of.

So they made these choices, they sought out these men, they made those decisions and passed up good guys (because despite what women like to claim yes, their are a lot of good guys in this world and yes you do generally ignore them for what ever reason (they are not attractive enough, maybe not in a good place in their life, or maybe they are too shy to make the first move or are socially awkward or you think they are "boring" as so many women do)). So how can one look at a woman in such a situation and not place at least some of that blame on her? You can't.

The other issue is that these women clearly do not see them as being the issue, they are the only common denominator in all of this but for some reason according to them they have done nothing wrong, that is a huge red flag for men, especially if they are not making an effort to overcome that damage and put themselves back together.

So are they doomed? No, but if they refuse to take responsibility for their actions and choices, refuse to try and fix their behaviors then yes, most men will stay the hell away from them and the ones that won't will be driven away by these women. If you are damaged and you expect your partner to shoulder all of that burden while you just coast on by then not only are you going to be alone, you deserve to be because its not fair to place all of your burdens on your partners shoulders and just expect that they should deal with this for the rest of their life.

[NearlyNapping]

I've dealt with serious baggage and I'm not going to do it again. Guys who say they'll have patience has probably never dealt with it. "Patience" implies all you have to do is be patience and it will somehow magically work itself out. That's highly unlikely to happen.

If you get in a relationship with someone, you have to take them as they are now. Being with someone conditionally, with the expectation that they will change in the future, means that you don't really accept them. You aren't in love with them. You are in love with an imaginary person.

Friends. Yes. Try to help them. Yes. Relationship. No.

[Bananaman177]

I'm genuinely sorry if somebody ever mistreated you, but the person you need to take that out on is the one who did it. If you take it out on me when I didn't do anything to you, I'll dump your ass flat right then and there, no questions asked.

I catch enough shit for what I have done without catching shit for something some other motherfucker did. I don't give a fuck how damaged you are, that doesn't give you a license to damage me.

The only reason you're so fucked up by your past relationships is because you picked a rotten douchebag over all the more worthy suitors and stayed with him long after you should have broken up. You have no one to blame but yourself, if you wanted to pass the blame onto someone else, you could blame the douchebag you dated. But the one person you have no business blaming is me. Understand? I believe it's extremely simple.

[lightbulb27]

That's such a good and challenging question. It kinda depends.

I've seen people who went through terrible damage relationships and are now happily married, had kids and successful.

But would I personally take on a woman who hasn't dealt with her damage... probably not. What's important is to get healed before you go into relationship otherwise, when your mind chooses someone else, they likely choose poorly... since the damage is influencing the decision. So it doesn't make sense male or female. Get yourself to a good place, then re-pair bond. You choose much better when your emotional heart is healthy and are running on your own chemicals, not artificial drugs to mask the underlying pains.

[lightbulb27]

I'm more comfortable with someone who is open about their issues than someone who hides themselves.

[Passinggas]

The worst thing about my damaged ex-s was that they claimed to be tough then used their past bad experiences as an excuse while I had/have been through so much worse. Their excuses for being what amounted to being a bad person fell on deaf-ears with me because I saw so much worse. I just never could stand for meaningless bull$hit and I never believed that I had to tolerate it either. If she isn’t/wasn’t tough mentally, I don’t/didn’t want her. All respond differently to traumatic events in their lives, some fold while others blossom.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

A girl can be "damaged" in many ways, same as guys. A damaged guy could be someone who beats his wife every night after work, or he could just have some self esteem issues and need some extra love and attention. Same for women. I could date a girl who maybe was mistreated by another guy and needs me to just be a bit more patient and loving and understanding. But if she gets so freaked out from me just touching her that she's screaming and throwing furniture, then it's probably best that she be single for a while and just deal with her PTSD or whatever it is that's ailing her. It's that whole thing of "tending to your own garden first". The most damaged girls are gonna have a harder time fulfilling their partner's needs in a relationship. They're too absorbed in their own trauma, and it will drain the guy's energy over time, even if he's well-intentioned and wants to help. At a certain point you just gotta put on your own life jacket before attending to those around you.

[fireheart105]

Basically my ex who is still my best friend. She had countless amount of walls that she had built due to her rough life but after a year we got through it but sadly we just aren't able to be together but I hope that things didn't turn back to how they were because she still trust me far more than any other person in her life so I find if they are willing to be patient as well then so am i

[fireheart105]

To clarify breaking up wasn't our first option. Dispute how the rest of her family felt towards me her mother couldnt stand me and to us family is everything so if her family couldn't accept us being together then at least we can always be friends

[InfobotsMom]

Doormat guys and friendzone guys will have all the patience in the world. Then there will be those genuine guys who are just very resilient. There will also be many guys who have put up with too much bullshit before from someone who was emotionally unstable and don't wish to go there again. You just have to try and find the second type that I mentioned. You don't want the first and the third don't want you.

[Bjerry]

First lets get this rite your not damaged or broken your a creation of love by too humans and god who created man because he was lonely and created woman to keep man from being lonely and to care for each other. Some men think woman are here for their pleaser and to serve them so a lot of women end up in bad relationships or raped by father figures in their early years but does not make you damaged goods just improperly handled or cared for your still a beautiful creation and here is something to think about God did not need man to create Jesus he skipped over him and went rite Mary amen a virgin and gave use our SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

[Ttam69]

If a guy is really interested it doesn't matter how much a girl is damaged, sometimes to his detriment if she lashes out or hurts him. As a girl you have to be careful because some guys will pretend to care just to get sex and just add to your problems. It is a minefield sometimes unfortunately.

[Trolloween]

I am pretty patient, but I am less inclined to be after an 8 year relationship with an ex. I thought after so many years of me being perfectly loyal would make her chill but nope, she always assumed any time I was with a male friend I was lying and I was secretly with a girl. I invited her to join me and she wouldn't so it seemed she just wanted some drama.

[FakeName123]

It's no ones responsibility to get your shit together, but your own.

By saying "are they too much work" you are implying your partner needs to somehow fix you. Neither is it his responsibility nor can someone else fix you. So no, I do not have patience for that.

[Asker]

Trauma isn't really anything that can be fixed. What can be fixed is her health (like weight or just taking care of herself) which yes that's not others problems to fix.

Too much work means trying to get a girl who you find interesting, but went through a lot in past relationships so it's hard to gain her trust.

[FakeName123]

"Trauma isn't really anything that can be fixed."

Exactly the attitude I am talking about. Everything can be improved with working on yourself. So yes, no patience from me and not into "gaining her trust". Get down from your high horse. A relationship is always a trade-deal where both partners invest into the other - and want to get something out of it. Ideally both investing more than they want to get out to make it functional.

[Asker]

So you're saying that you'll be fine with finding someone who can put up a front that they are fine, and once they start showing they are insecure about something, then what? Then you leave them. That's what some try to avoid. So of course they want to wait to see if they can trust you.

I get it, you want someone fresh off the picking and have no flaws. And that's fine. You do you. Your opinion is still valid because I know there are others who feel the same way and looking for someone on their level. Don't think I have this 'high horse' and despise men.

[FakeName123]

As someone who works on himself I am expecting my potential partner to do the same. Everyone has had shit thrown at them in life in one way or another. Tough luck. But I despise everyone who is wallowing in self-pity rather than putting the effort into improvement.

You have baggage? Time to get your ass moving and work on it right now and not when you may find a potential partner.

And this has very little to do with "putting up a front" or "having no flaws". No one has no flaws. Imperfections are part of life. Imperfections are perfectly acceptable as well, but only when the person has the mindset of improving and overcoming things. So stop putting words into my mouth I haven't said.

[Asker]

You just made it sound like it's the girls fault for not 'fixing' themselves right away. This is more for when a guy is interested in a girl. Do they have the patience if a girl wants to wait before making it official. In a way how I see it, that is a way of improve themselves. To try and trust someone after what they went through. Some of their flaws can be revealed the more they get closer to one another. That's where the question comes in.

A girl can have confidence and be really down to earth and have flaws. They have that cautious feeling that was built by past.

If you expect a girl to be 100% hunky dori fine before getting into a relationship then there really isn't hope until they are old.

[FakeName123]

"You just made it sound like it's the girls fault for not 'fixing' themselves right away."
Whose responsibility should it be instead? If you realise you've gotten baggage from your last relationship - here is an interesting idea: Don't jump into the next relationship before working yourself out. Very controversial, I know.

"This is more for when a guy is interested in a girl. Do they have the patience if a girl wants to wait before making it official. In a way how I see it, that is a way of improve themselves."
That's called leading someone on. Say you are available or not available. End of the story.

"A girl can have confidence and be really down to earth and have flaws. They have that cautious feeling that was built by past."
Caution =/= baggage. Obviously trust and vulnerability needs to be build up. That accounts for everyone.

"If you expect a girl to be 100% hunky dori fine before getting into a relationship then there really isn't hope until they are old."
Once again you are putting words into my mouth. Stop being manipulative and intellectually dishonest.

[Asker]

It's honestly what I am thinking you are implying. I am anyone but manipulative and dishonest. A girl can go on dates and try to be with someone if that is one way that can possibly help her. If she becomes crazy or controlling then yes, she needs to work on herself and not drag her partner down. A girl can not just assume she is fine when she's on a normal level. Once she is comfortable that's when her damage gets to her and it'll start showing. I get YOUR answer, you don't have to justify your opinions. It's just a question.

[lightbulb27]

yes trauma can be resolved.

[Avicenna]

Well, I guess it depends, but I won't date a woman with any mental illness, e. g., depression, because they tend to have multiple illnesses, not just one. I thought I could fix my last one, but she just had too many issues, including ones I didn't know about.

[Silent_Bob]

You've actually INVERTED the usual problem: Damaged women have a habit of actually pushing men away, perhaps related to that old saw about setting what you love free to see if they seeing if the come back to you? But it ends up looking more like they're either too scared to get close or were not that into us to begin with. So we retreat, not aware that we failed some kind of secret test of character by letting them go.

[Zweihander]

I have no patience for damaged girls because I hate being accused for things I didn't do. They tend to blame people for things their exes or past acquaintances did. For example this one girl who had been taken advantage of told everyone I was trying to get in her pants after I sent her a friend request on facebook. After that I decided Im just not gonna bother with damaged girls.

[Browneye57]

You are only damaged if you CHOOSE to be. Nobody, and I mean not one single person has power over your emotions. No, you get to choose.
So quit blaming everything and everyone for your failings.
If you have emotional problems get a shrink. That's what they're for.

And no, no mature adult wants to babysit another fully grown adult. Period.

[Dchrls78104]

To be honest, I have my own reservations about such. Too often it proves to be like adopting a stray dog and then having the dog show itself to be rabid. Best for such persons to allow themselves to heal from the old relationship before getting into a new one.

[ecfresh]

A few of my exes came with a lot of baggage but we all carry a past with us. As long as she agrees to try and put in effort, patience is easy to grant

[ecfresh]

Sounds like you are going out on dates with guys who just want casual sex. Why not find guys looking for a long term relationship?

[Asker]

The thing is, they say they want long term, but in the end it gets out of control and they think I am buttered up enough to just go home with them. Even when I pass uo the idea and say I'll talk to you later it never happens. I think them asking is one way to see if I would require a longer wait. And b that's a deal breaker for them.

[ecfresh]

Gotcha. So in reality you are picking liars. And after one date they believe you have changed your mind and are ready for sex. That’s bad luck, anything you think you can improve to find real men and not fuck boys?

[Asker]

Honestly, I have up on saying sites because of it. Never really had luck with in person encounters as well. So it's exhausting to even try anymore. Now when I go on dates I have doubts when going. Some say I should just wait, but I'm getting up there in age. Plus tired of being the third wheel when hanging with my friends and their significant other. Then they get mad that I don't leave my house to hang out. It's really stressful over something pretty dumb in my book.

[ecfresh]

The age pressures begin much sooner for women than for men so I understand that part. Agree that finding many things online these days are rare. Guess there is no silver bullet and you keep trying. I empathize with the third wheel feeling and that sux. Having someone to hold and share with is preferable

[Asker]

Looking back at all my autocorrects and I had to face-palm myself. Lol

But yes it's tough. My parents are the main culprit as well. Always asking when will I find someone. It's a bad feeling.

[ecfresh]

Oh I went though that as well. Not only did they put pressure on me but they thought it was funny to joke in front of other people. I put the stop to that when I let them know I had lots of opportunity to make them grandparents but decided I would not have a child till marriage. Asked them if they wanted me to knock someone up.. ha ha they quickly backtracked and said they want me to be married first

[yosdanyt]

Every relationship comes with a history. We either learn to deal with it cause our present won't change the past. If there is a reason (and love and care are strong reasons), then we'll learn to deal with whatever situation our girl may have

[boggboss]

So it's heavily dependent on how bad it is and hard a person is trying to deal with there situation as I'm not prepared to be somones long term emotional punching bag

[Asker]

You shouldn't have to be. If someone is constantly arguing or accusing you of possibly cheating, or checking out other girls that is unhealthy and they definitely need to work on themselves. But if one just wants comfort and reassurance then that's another story.

[boggboss]

How much reassurance are we talking though ad it can get to a point when it gets a bit silly and from what I have seen it does lead to insecurities popping up

[Asker]

It depends on the person. Reassurance as in I guess knowing she's there and you hear her opinions. Though, yes that can be annoying at times because most of the time they are faithful. I guess some just want that to be clarified. It's understandable if that gets old after a while though.

[boggboss]

I would have no problom with it but over time when it's the exact same thing over and over and I as a person can see why the situation is going how it is but the person just keeps doing the same thing yeah it gets old

[Asker]

Usually in those cases, I feel either fine away from each other or just breaking out of would be more appropriate. That way, hopefully, she would know that it's her that needs to change her ways and fix herself. Doesn't have to be perfect, but enough to keep a good relationship.

[boggboss]

No I agree with you and it's good u see it that way

[boggboss]

Constant need for validation of the same things and started to entertain her insecurities and caused a issue

[Mexicvn]

I had an ex with depression and anxiety issues. I was a VERY patient boyfriend to her. Even when she pushed me away, I was still there. Unfortunately, she took me for granted. I promise you, she'll never find another man like me.

[YHL6965]

My girlfriend has a lot of trauma from her past and I'm here for her. I'm all for helping her because I love her so much and I can't stand leaving her in pain like that. I want to do everything I can to help her.

[JackSmy]

How do you define 'damaged'? What if we talk, and I think you are over-reacting, and maybe we connect, in some way?
I think a lot is perspective and connecting, with understanding!

[GOOSEBOY78]

i been with a few people classed as damaged goods. the problem is they are so damaged they look to you as their emotional crutch. YOU are the source ALL of their happiness.

NO. THANK. YOU.
check your baggage at the door.

[JSmuve]

As long as I don't have to see or deal with her baggage in any shape or form, then I got all the patience in the world. But that patience declines proportionately with the quantity and magnitude of her baggage.

[cicchis0]

I have a history of helping girlfriends deal with their history until they are happy and whole enough to realise that they no longer need me.

[LoU_Hades]

Everyone had bad relationship before and if she insists to play the disappointed drama queen, there is no place for me in this show