Is it bad to want to keep male friends as back up just in case there is a future chance with them?

[Anonymous]

I know many guys keep female friendships wether they are in a relationship or not just in case there is a chance with one of them.

Not all guys do that but a great number of men do this (keeping friendships for the chance of a possibility with them)

Well I am in a relationship but for some reason or another we had kept breaking up and getting back together. Now he says it's very serious and wants to make a family with me and just be serious with me.

I have one guy friend who said he would marry me, I keep in touch with him and my boyfriend does not know about him, but today it kind of slipped out into a conversation and he got mad with me and wants to know what i talk about with him and why i'm even talking to him in private chats etc. and I felt scared to I deleted and removed everything about this friend because i don't want to ruin what I have now..

but I somehow feel it's wise to still keep him around not cheating but just in case my boyfriend and i split, i have someone as possibility.. I don't like to start from scratch looking for someone and this guy could be back up

it sounds bad but really would you guys do this?
even if it sounds bad, maybe it's a smart thing to do?
I'm not going to talk or flirt with him but just keep him as contact/friend

What do you guys think?
Advice?

no don't do it, just delete him. it's bad and not smart

it's smart but it's bad, don't do it.

it's bad but smart maybe keep him as friend

I'm in the same situation and need advice. (want to see results)

[Finchie40]

To be honest you shouldn’t even get into a relationship period if you do this kind of thing , it just shows you have a hard time trusting someone let alone trusting yourself? How can you possibly love someone if you need a backup plan? You are only hurting yourself pretending that you can give yourself completely to someone so to be honest you shouldn’t be in a committed relationship? You are only lying to yourself and you will never be happy , love only grows when you are able to give yourself completely to your partner , when you can sacrifice for them , trust them like they should trust you. That’s the only way you will be happy , having a back up plan isn’t happiness , it’s a selfish act that basically says oh if you hurt me I have someone else to come in and take your spot, so my question to you is why are you in a relationship with someone that you can’t be happy with completely? You will never experience true love if you have a back up plan? You my as well already tell your current boyfriend that you are cheating on him cuz in a way you already are by having another male to fill his shoes if he walks out on you? Again I am not yelling at you just trying to help you realize what it means to be in a relationship , don’t commit to someone when you can’t commit yourself , you are just wasting time and misleading someone. 1 thing to learn about love that a lot of people don’t realize is we can’t force someone to love us all we can do is guide them the only way to guide someone is to love them the same way you want to be loved , by you having a back up plan is not guiding your partner you are just pushing them away which will make them eventually push you away because you aren’t loving them the same way you want them to love you, again so if you can’t give yourself 100 percent to your partner then you should end the relationship cuz you are only lying to yourself

[Finchie40]

Thanks for MHO

[DictumVeritas]

Not only does keeping this guy friend around serve as a red flag to your boyfriend that you are not totally committed to him, it is also not fair to the "friend".

From the perspective of your boyfriend:
The very act of keeping a backup (believe me he knows this guy is a beta backup) tells him that you are not totally his and he would be right, you are not, not until you have no more thoughts of an escape route. Don't be surprised if your boyfriend starts looking around for a woman who is totally committed to him without reservation.

From the Perspective of the "friend" (backup):
He is a beta orbiter and has some growing up to do before he can step into the shoes of a confidant man, able to provide for a family. He might have plenty of excellent qualities, but he is willing to be around a woman with the hopes of picking up the scraps in case her relationship goes South. You are giving him hope and providing him with a comfort zone in which that hope arrest his development towards true manhood. It's not fair to him and to be fair, even if you break up with your boyfriend, do you really want a beta-male to fall back on?

Do everyone a favor. Break contact with the beta-orbiter and fly without a safety net because what you are diong is busy hurting 2 men and that is extremely selfish.

[PrimalInstinct]

Disrespectful to the guys. Not that smart either.

You're leading the friend on & the boyfriend is left wondering who the fk is this dude. Once they both get fed up with your behavior you'll be all alone.

By the way just because this friend said he wants to marry you, doesn't mean he's serious. I've had strangers say they wanna marry me as a silly "ice breaker" to start conversations - only a real fool would think they're serious.

[MissDawn7961]

if the man and woman have been friends for years but you both realize that there will never be anything serious between you then just remain friends if everyone agrees to this arrangement ! this way you can seek others for dating and more but still be friends with this other person as well ! Thanks

[mat_username]

If you keep your backup:
1) you stay with boyfriend, never really commit, relationship won't work. Also not fair for your friend
2) you break up with boyfriend and go back to the other one. He'll be second choice, he'll know, you'll know. Relationship won't work.
Conclusion) use the fact that you want to keep your "backup" as a sign you should probably think about what you want, because it seems you're not that sur about your current relationship. But stop doing that, it will be negative in the long run for the three people involved

[devilman666]

It's immoral in my opinion. Very disrespectful to both guys. How would you like it if your boyfriend was on the down low talking to a girl he liked "just incase" you two ended up breaking up? You'd probably feel suspicious and feel hurt by this, because he would be trying to play two girls at once so that he comes out no matter what. Same thing, you are playing two guys right now, they both think they have a chance with you, you're just trying to keep yourself on top, but that means you need to walk all over both of these guys.

[hellionthesagereborn]

Don't project, men don't keep "back ups". This is a really shitty thing to do because your saying your relationship is going to fail by having a back up so one foot is already out the door and its really shitty because your leading a guy on that you don't actually care about and the second some other guy shows up your just going to kick him to the curb for the other guy. This is a really shitty thing to do and quite frankly its predominantly women that do this (men go a long time between relationships usually, we don't keep back ups).

[Anonymous]

If you wouldn't mind being treated exactly the same way by other men, then fine. However, if you are keeping another guy as a backup, then not only are you not truly present in the relationship, you have no faith in it, or yourself.

I had a woman try to use this guy as a backup, while trying to get with me. I rejected her, then some how the other guy found out, and left her at the alter in a foreign country...

We reap what we sow, and how we treat others always reflects back onto ourselves eventually.

[JJamL69]

It's not fair to him keeping him on the wings like that. It's not fair to your current boyfriend who is probably wondering if you're really serious about him. It's not fair to yourself. Can you fully commit to your current boyfriend if in the back of your mind you know you have a backup, a safety net if you will. What happens when you have a big fight? Will you confide with the man in waiting? Will your current boyfriend throw it in your face? It's best to let go. I know it's not easy, but it's what's best.

[FakeName123]

Could you just reverse the roles and imagine someone is doing that to you? Keeping you as a "friend" solely to have a backup plan, if their relationship doesn't work out.
Also if your boyfriend would do that with his female friends.

Would you like that? Most likely no. And for a reason. It's beyond selfish.

[SeanshterMonster]

Your leading him on. Saying all he is to you is a back up and nothing more. Is wrong, so wrong. Your playing with someone's hear. You break that, you break him forever. Saying he is a backup is like saying he is second rate, never good enough, he's scrap, not worth someone's time. Keeping someone as a backup is just a sign that you will just use him for your own benefit and dump him when you find someone else.

[AD240pCharlie]

If the only reason you're keeping them around as friends is because you "might have a chance with them later on", then you're not really their friend. That goes for both men and women.
You should be friends with someone because you enjoy their company, regardless of their gender.

[Asker]

Well of course I enjoy their company which is the main reason I want them as back up, I wouldn’t want to date or be with someone that I don’t enjoy being around with.. I won’t keep a friend I don’t like as a back up, I want to keep those am that I feel good around with. That should be common sense.

[Anonymous]

some people do it, but both parties know it. and they only have one back up, not the rest of the squad lol. swearing about being each other's back up and to get married if both of them are still single by the time they're 40.

ok fine I saw it from a series not in real life but im sure some people irl actually do it maybe

[yash77]

That is not a brilliant idea, you must know what is good for you. You make friends because they are fun and understandable and trustworthy so either you are not sure what you have done or you are not doing it right. Just take a minute to figure out how did this happened and why?
I think you just want to be yourself for a moment and live in the moment.

[KUWAR]

I can give you one suggestion honestly you tell the real things to both guys and see what both of them do if one of guy says if are happy with whom you like to marry u can marry with him and from both of them who will say this actually he is real true loving guy for you after all you have to choose to one

[Asker]

Haha no. You me not stupid. That’s like asking to be forever alone. You never reveal this stuff to them.

[Anonymous]

There is few girls in my life that declined any of my interests and decided to stick around.

Only, if they decided that I will jump right back in there after she has another 20 guys, that I will know of as she decided to stick around... She is mistaken...

And any girl who declined any of my proposition in early 20s but would decided to get back in her 30-40, don't even bother I will say no.

[midnightmoon05]

Its selfish regardless how you look at it.

i had something similiar done to me and i am still trying to put the broken pieces back.

[nathanp97]

That's just wrong. And it is very different from being the guy who is friend zoned and trying to stay friends with the girl until she hopefully sees something in you.

[revanthp915]

Tell me one thing
If your boyfriend keeps you as a backup is it fine with you?

If you feel that's fine to. keep. you as a back up by someone
Then u r not. wrong

But if u feel. only for u it's right then u r wrong

[CaptainOverthink]

So long as you make them understand they should not wait for you. A bad part would be to string people along.

[theCobbler]

Well Friends? Or FWB/ possible relationship?
When I make a friend they're a friend no matter what! I personally do not keep " friends oh ends with potential " ... just In case !

[rjroy3]

@ManOnFire

Just humorous, because we were just talking about this lol

[ManOnFire]

Lmfao! Omg we were, yeah. And the terrible thing about it is she's over 45! This is disappointing for someone who loves older women.

[rjroy3]

@ManOnFire xD. I'm not cynical, but if a cynical old man said "there's no hope" with this as evidence. I'd be hard pressed to tell him otherwise

[DiscomfortZone]

Let me say it's a blast seeing 45+ year olds acting like highschool immature little fools, great to know the future holds hope and progress!

[grega239]

" you're not that good but your good enough"

I doubt you'd be happy to be someone's back up so why do it to someone else