How do you handle large income gaps (couples) ?

[Xoxocutekitty]

My partner makes about 5.5 times, my salary (pre-tax).
He pays about my salary in taxes, another one of my salary in an insurance policy, and he gets paid in stock another portion. His cash net earnings, are only about 2.5 my salary.

How do you split finances with your SO? How would you navigate such a large wage gap? I have always aspired to maybe one day get a small house in the suburbs to support my mother who cannot retire without financial assistance in say 7-10 years. He wants to save for an expensive house n the city. How do we combine these goals without creating an unequal power shift? Morally, a couple needs a house to live in, and morally, I cannot leave my mother unprepared in her retirement.

We are young, and are currently cohabitation (first 3 months) in a shared apartment where we have not have to face financial challenges due to staying in and quarantine. Naively, we always thought that money "doesn't matter", but I cannot help for already feeling resentful or "trapped" because his opportunity makes my dreams in comparison seem "small" or "insignificant." Thoughts and suggestions?

[Soldier_946]

From my point of view, this is the kind of situation you have to talk to at the begining of the relationship, since this is about taking care of your mother.

If he loves you, he would sacrifice his materialistic dreams because this is the right thing to do for your mother.

You should talk to him, but I do understand what you feel regarding your contribution because of the salary gap. To me, a couple is one person, so it is not your salary and his salary but one salary as a whole which belongs to the both of you. It is not because you earn less that you should have your say.

[sensible27]

Depends on tbe trust levels. Maybe create a joint account (for other joint needs) and have different accounts altogether so it doesn't get mixed up? Thus you will have the freedom to do what you want with your own money.

[Anonymous]

You really need to talk to him or a counsellor about this before resentment breaks you up.

[Not_Average]

What I did is I ran the income and expenses by percentages instead of the dollar amount. It might take a minute to figure out the math, but it might make you feel as if you’re contributing in a equal way despite the income difference.


There’s a book titled “I’ll teach you to be rich.” - Ramit Sethi. There’s an audible version too. It’s actually a really funny and informative book. I highly suggest it as it has an entire chapter dedicated to this issue. He articulates the solution a lot better than me. This will teach you a tremendous amount about personal finance as well. I promise it’s not boring. You’ll have so much more clarity on where to go financially after this.

[genericname85]

what are your dreams and why do they seem small in comparison to you? is making as much or more money than your partner your life goal or something?

[Xoxocutekitty]

I never felt the need to make more than my partner. It just comes down to like, places we feel "comfortable" shopping. If I need a spatula, I will go to walmart, if he wants a spatula, then he wants a "high" quality one and he would go to a high end cooking store.
The problem with both wanting houses, is that if I were to help him support his large expensive house, I would have nothing left over to contribute to my own mother, whereas, he CAN want and/or afford less house (and therefore free up my own ability to save an achieve my own goals).

[genericname85]

put yourself in his position. how would you feel if you'd make such a decent living and your partner struggles to make a fraction of what you earn? would you want them to contribute as much as you do?

[Xoxocutekitty]

I don't think that I would expect the person to contribute the same "dollar amount" but I don't think he is quite comfortable of looking at the HARD reality of what even a flat percentage % of income looks like combined. I am the one who would not mind looking at cheaper places because I cannot afford more. I would be low on money at the end of every month in order to maintain his "ideal" living conditions. I want to have money to spend outside of the relationship like for friends, or family or heck, even buying myself a new pair of sneakers because mine are 5 years old.

It is unethical to expect someone to foot your end of the bill, but it is also frustrating to think that someone who makes less should (in a zero sum fashion) give up other forces in their life to keep of with an inflated sense of living standards.

[genericname85]

ok. i think that thought doesn't lead anywhwere. i would say make up your mind how much money you need for your things, like family, retirement funds whatever and see how much you can contribute. and then that's what you contribute. then it's up to him picking how much he wants to spend considering he knows how much you're gonna contribute and then you don't need to feel bad, cause it's his choice.

[genericname85]

don't force yourself to bite off more than you can chew. this isn't a competition. he will be ok with you paying considerably less. he's not a moron. he knows he earns more and can't expect you to contribute so much.

[genericname85]

i would say make a pool of money that you consider "yours" (as in both of you) and both each keep a pool of money for themselves that is private. and then everyone is free to put as much as they want into the common pool without feeling bad for how much or little you put in.

[Xoxocutekitty]

This is really helpful advice thank you. Thank you

[genericname85]

you're welcome. also you should definitely talk with him about how he feels about the situation and what he thinks about you paying less.

[Xoxocutekitty]

true. we've had some starter conversations about it. He's generous enough to expect himself to pay more, but not so pragmatic as to identify his own boundaries and limits on what he would be comfortable with. I've suggested a couple numbers of what I would prefer to contribute and he got some reverse sticker shock as felt that was too low. I think overall, I worry about money more. I wish I could convey my own awareness as not negative (aka brings bad energy in). It's weird, while I have less earning capital, I have no debts (auto, student, credit card) or liabilities (other than trying to be a good daughter). In some respects, I'm "doing really well" and objectively have nothing to be ashamed of.

[genericname85]

you don't need to convey your own awareness as not negative. you need to convey it as what it is. if you feel bad about it, you should tell him that. it's ok for you to feel bad about it. that just means you don't have stuff figured out yet.

[Prof_Don]

This is something you should have talked about together BEFORE moving in!

Sit down and downright ask him how you two should split the finances.

[worldscolide]

my wife has little income.. my monthly is literally 100x what hers is.. We just deal with it..