Are my boyfriend's expectations too high or normal?

[holly6090]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 months now within this whole virus thing. It has not been easy at all. My parents are a bit older so they are more strict when I can go out and what I can do. This has lead me to lie to them about seeing him for a while now...

The issue is that my boyfriend’s love language is “quality time” meaning he likes to take road trips, overnight getaways, go to the beach, etc.

I know for a fact that I can do everything in my power and effort to see him. I’ve lied to my parents (twice), told them I was going to work and actually went over to his house and spent 6-7 hours with him and his family, we’ve hung out, got food and listened to music in his car, I’ve visited him at his job for a couple of hours, and we’ve also taken many walks together as well.

I feel very pressured to meet these expectations of his need for these examples of quality time. He tells me he “needs” to do these things at the beginning of a relationship in order to feel satisfied. But of course, I can’t do everything on that list because of my parents (except going to the beach). I feel like all my efforts to see him are never enough and he can easily go find another girl that can meet these expectations. I know for a fact that we can do those things in 2 months when we get back to school and have more freedom but right now we can't.

I feel like he is one foot in and one foot out (he has ended things before). What do I do? And are these expectations of his too high or normal?

[jgokgotit]

I would not say his expectations are too high. However, maybe you're not the kind of girl who can meet them. There is nothing wrong with that. There are times when people are just on two different pages. However, there are times when you need to compromise. That is a tough line to walk, and men tend to be more stubborn in their ways than women in this regard. I commend you for making the effort. Many girls would not. You are a good woman. However, there are 2 MAJOR issues with your relationship. First issue is trust. You are lying to your parents about seeing him. I do not know why (though I suspect you have good reasons), but hiding a relationship from your loved ones will haunt you once the two of you get past a certain point. You either have to be mature and brave enough to tell your parents the truth or end the relationship because lies destroy relationships. Not just the lies between each other, but ANY lie related to the relationship will eventually harm it. On his end, he should be understanding of your situation (sounds to me like you live with your parents, which means you have to honor their rules). If they say you cannot be out past a certain time and expect to go in and out of their house, those are the rules of their house, right or wrong. If he understands this and you both know things will go back to normal if given enough time, he should be patient and trust you to love him. The second issue is expectations not being understood. On his end, he thinks you should be there whenever he needs you. He has to understand that you will do your best, but cannot ALWAYS be there (nobody can) and that you are your own person and need your own space. There is a difference between quality time and smothering. As for you, you have let him back in after leaving before. You do yourself a disservice there because you granted him permission (willingly or not) by saying he can come and go whenever he pleases. I call that a revolving door relationship where you come in and out of it. I've NEVER seen one of those relationships work. Sounds to me like the two of you need to set your standards and boundaries straight, and you personally need to get honest with your parents, tell them how you feel then make a decision based on their responses while respecting their roof while you live there. Once you do not live with them, still be honest because they are your parents but you do not have to do as they wish.

[Levin]

Sorry, but his expectations of 'quality time' are arbitrary bollocks, and it's natural they have created pressure because they are unnatural.

Not sure where they stem from. And I'm not sure why you feel it necessary to pander to him. A real boyfriend tries to understand your situation, and tries to meet you in the middle. That's part of caring. Listening. etc. He should care how it makes you feel and the fact that you have to lie to your parents.

The fact that he has ended things presumably has made you scared of losing him. But this is no way to have a relationship. Are you enjoying it as it stands? in my opinion you can't have a relationship where there is such a power imbalance and you are desperate to keep him. As I always say, respect yourself. Stand up for yourself. And don't tolerate bullshit.

[natzz]

i don’t think he really cares about you :( if he did, he would compromise and understand the situation

[Twalli]

In most situations his expectations are normal, yet these times are not normal in any sense of the word. So I understand what he wants, and most of the time you should meet them. Yet now it isn't really that easy to meet them with very liberal and progressive parents. So I would say that in a void his expectations are not too much, yet in the current situation they are. In bo way does it mean he's being unreasonable, just that his requirements do not change with the world's issues.

[chriscdi]

im sure you already know the answer