How do you reassure someone who is scared of you?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Updates

+1 y

Actually I'm the one who's scared and would like to hear/read reassuring things, I don't have to reassure anyone

[lilyanony1]

NO ONE should be scared of you unless they were threatening your safety first.

As you've offered very little information this is my offering to you.

What I'm asking of you requires a serious amount of control and discipline.

You need to ask this person to be honest with you. In the first instance you listen.
You tell them that this conversation is about hearing them out. Thank them when they are finished, maybe hug them when they are done.

Reassure them that you will think on what they have told you. That this will require some thought on your part.
(take some time to acknowledge, accept and understand what's been said)

Don't react defensively as there is something to learn.

If they are telling you things like when I talk to you, you snap and yell.
You need to practice anger management.
A healthy outlet, relearn how to treat others with respect, speak calmly and clearly...

If they say something like I've tried to express my feelings but I don't feel comfortable. They lack confidence, and require gentle pushes and reassurance.

If they themselves are aggressive and you are coming back at them with anger you both need anger management.

If when they tell you something and you say "yea, whatever." you are careless of this person you have chosen to be with.
You don't value anything or those that make sacrafices or compromise to be with you.
Their fear stems from being in something that they want but offers very little in return.

When you have thought about what they have said think about what you will do to try and resolve this. And let them know, it may require you to alter something slightly and or ask for something from them in return to help with this.
The key is communicating this and acting on it together.

I could be completely wrong about this but I personally think this could be of help to you.
I wish you the best of luck.

Please give updates if you can 😊👍🏾

[triff]

That's an amazing reply

[lilyanony1]

@triff Thank you

[triff]

Your welcome Do you work within mental sector

[lilyanony1]

I work in health care but I come from a dysfunctional family, (I was lucky to have stable grandparents, aunts and uncles) I also have therapy to deal with said parents. I just ended my longest relationship because he refused to accept this kind of thing-he claimed I was calculating simply because he told me "I must do as he says, not what he does"

[triff]

He sounds a fool Not many open minded intelligent and understanding people such as yourself May I ask a personal question

[lilyanony1]

He is still learning, I'm trying to refrain from name calling him. We are incompatible it seems due to a battle of will, respect and just general outlook.
He will find his match.
You can ask...

[triff]

What's your photo all about is there a significant reason

[lilyanony1]

It's me

[triff]

I thought it was but only shows a small portion of I'm presuming your cheek

[Mickey9999]

You can’t really. If they are carrying pain from past relationships, they need to work through that on their own first and foremost. There’s nothing you can say or do. Except maybe give them patience and space to work through their issues. Once they do that, they will still be scared or nervous but they’ll be able to move forward

[winterfox10]

Jean, why are you trying to reassure anyone of anything when what you want seems to change so regularly? It seems to me that you owe the people in your life some honesty. If you're having a crisis of faith and conscience about your Fiancee, then you need to tell her that, and you need to let her know what you have to do to get better.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Actually I don't want nor I'm able to reassure anyone because I'm the one who's scared

[winterfox10]

Man... you really need to get away from those people.

[OlderAndWiser]

In what kind of relationship? What is the cause of their concern?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I'd say the usual things, mostly about worries of being boring and/or useless

[OlderAndWiser]

If someone thinks you are boring or useless, why would they be scared of you? That doesn't make you threatening.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

They'd not be scared of me but I would be scared of them

[OlderAndWiser]

Scared that she will eventually get bored of you and leave?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

That, and since I'm getting more and more dependent on her, I get on the train of thought she'd see me as dead weight and kick me out or get rid of me

[OlderAndWiser]

The dependence is something that she has encouraged. Have you discussed your fear with her?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

The only thing she says it's that I shouldn't worry because she'll always take care of me and never leave.

[OlderAndWiser]

Telling someone "don't worry" is never effective.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Exactly.
But I don't question too much because I don't want her to get irritated like last time.
She wants me to be dependent on her, but I don't feel so sure in getting completely dependent on her.
I apologized for getting so needy with her lately and she said I should apologize instead for being so "stubborn" earlier.

[OlderAndWiser]

This has the potential for her to appoint herself as "The Boss" and you are "The Worker," and that means you had BETTER do what she tells you to do.

[cc-catlady]

Your question should specify on what to reassure on about to the person whos scared. Ill assume you mean reassuring to not be someone they're scared of. Think when they started to get scared of you what were you doing. Then be super soft, cautious and respectful to them and let them approach you again, instead of you making it known as an issue of how they're scared because that doesn't show you're sorry for making them become scared and embarrasses them. Don't try to let them know you see how they're scared of you, show them calmness and comfort to help them see it was a one/rare impression you had of being like that and normally you aren't acting like that, once they get use to being with you behaving as not scaring them and notice that as time goes on filling away you once scaring them as what is in the past and you learned to not ever do again, they'll move on forgetting how they were scared of you because they have now seen you recently being better than you were as what is now old memory you learned to never create to do to them again. Give them time to see how you changed and you will have fixed ever being seen as someone theyre scared of

[CriticalDiscourse]

If someone is scared of me, I give them space and don't interact with them. I let them decide if they want me to interact with them further and how to proceed with communicating with them if they desire that.

[GothRose2]

How do you reassure them of what? A little more details would help

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

For example this person might be afraid you could hurt them, or simply that you'll be get bored of them and throw them away

[GothRose2]

A proverb says "actions speak louder than words" and I would agree that this can be solid advice. But it is important to say to your girlfriend that you won't. Different people prefer different types of ways to show love. ie your girlfriend might like words of affection more so than gifts.

(Some ways to reassure her would be: quality time together, touch, words of affirmation/affection, acts of service, gifts, or going to a counselor together.)

I'm more concerned that your girlfriend is wondering if you will break up with her. To me that indicates an anxiety and a lack of security on her part. Also she could have low self-esteem and self-worth.

It can get exhausting constantly trying to reassure someone and convince someone you aren't going to break up with them, or leave them, or cheat on them, or whatever. It's important to be in a secure relationship. Have an open conversation about why she feels that way, but understand you shouldn't have to keep reassuring her all the time because she has low self-esteem. That is something she needs to work on.

[GothRose2]

So the question is "how do I reassure myself"?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Somewhat, also things I'd like to hear

[GothRose2]

"How do I know/reassure myself she's the one"? A difficult question.
No one can really help you with that, you know best. Ask yourself?

[GothRose2]

Ask yourself. (it wasn't a question, I didn't wanna put a question Mark)

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I know she's the one, I'm mostly wondering if or when she'll decide she's done with me even though for now things are mostly alright

[centerline]

just be yourself... there is nothing more you can do to change their mind, unless you are trying to "convince" them, in which case they may find out you are not only scary, but also manipulative...

if they dont come around to liking you when they get to know the real you, maybe you have something about your personality that you need to work on and change...

[Snakeyes7]

The best way to do it is through your actions. Once the person has seen you enough times they will eventually get a better feel for what kind of person you are.

[hahahmm]

What are you afraid will happen?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

That she could get sick or bored of me and leave, or worse.
Since we are about to move because of her work, I'd be stranded if something like that happened.

[hahahmm]

I don’t have good news for you about your current situation.

1. Moving to serve the other person’s goals is a bad idea unless you already have a very deep relationship or you’re okay with being a follower.
2. You talk about being ‘stranded’. This is a hint that moving is a bad choice for you.
3. When guys make their number one goal a woman it never works out in the guy’s favor. Women are wired to want a guy who lifts them up to higher status in serious relationships. If you’re not that guy then eventually she will switch to a guy who is. Making her your life goal is counter productive.

If I’m in your shoes I would focus on having life goals that make me whatever I think an amazing man should be - goals that have nothing to do with women. I’d put 90 to 99% of my energy into that. You will achieve more in 2-3 years than guys who focus on women do in 15-20.

[hahahmm]

So you are already stranded & don’t even know it. I learned the hard way. Hopefully you don’t have to.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I have a good job but even though I can do it even from distance she said she'd prefer to quit completely.
We are moving somewhere she knows the language and all while I do not.

We have known each other for years and she was my tutor in high school, and I think she has the impression she still has to say me what to do.
She doesn't help get angry when I do my own things but she says it makes her feel uncomfortable.

[hahahmm]

As a man you need to be a rock. Women have the luxury of being an emotional mess anytime they wish. Nobody on earth will give you credit if you are. The other side of that is the less her emotions bother you the better. It’s better to have a plan & follow it than letting emotions lead you. Bad news is that moving might just be her emotional decision. I mean it doesn’t sound like you have a non emotional reason to go.

I had a great job when i was simping too. Whatever you think you can do now, imagine doing 10-20x more with the right focus. Good luck

[A_Nihilist]

I wouldn't reassure them in all honesty. If they want to be scared of me then that's their problem.

It would be completely illogical to have unfounded fear of a me personally.

[Iron_Man]

By proving yourself showing kindness to someone and showing them how you are For real

[BleuNiles]

Be consistent and allow your words to line up with your actions.

[sensible27]

Be careful, actions. Gentle (be gentle)

[ColoradoKid]

Do you sense a malicious intent from this person?

[SavageGirl101]

Umm I’ve never made someone scared of me before

[grega239]

No. It's not my problem

[msc545]

Be gentle, talk with them

[jizzyjay]

I scare them multiple times to desensitize them