My boyfriend's sister is toxic and drags me into fights that have nothing to do with me, more between her and my boyfriend. Do I leave him?

[youdontknowme124543]

We are all in our late 20's. She tries to control him and gets upset when he doesn't listen to her (because he's a grown ass man) and somehow she takes out that anger on me for not "being on her side." We are all adults and I let him do what he wants because I trust him and he can make his own decisions. Anyway, I've always gotten along with her and realize the importance of respecting your significant other's family. However, I am being dragged into their disagreements that really have nothing to do with me. I usually ignore her, but she is pissing me off. I told my boyfriend since it is his sister, he needs to deal with her and let her know to stop involving me and leave me alone because I do not want to fight with her. He barely wants to deal with her toxic behavior and therefore he just ignores her as well. Even his mother agrees she is being unreasonable. But I feel he is just sitting back and letting her put a strain on our relationship because he doesn't want to deal with her either, he thinks she is a lost cause. He says, "okay, I'll talk to her" but I know she is not going to listen. Part of me is okay with just ignoring her because I don't want to let her ruin my relationship with him, but at the same time I think it is so annoying to deal with. It is his sister and I'm not going to make him choose between us. Anyway, is this something I can just ignore and focus on my relationship with him? Or do I need to get the fuck outta there?

[anexi]

I'm a very confrontational person. If I see my partner's family mistreating them or me, I do not hesitate to speak up about it. My partner's family does not much care for me, but they tolerate me well enough when I see them. Personally, I do not care if they like me or not because I am not in a relationship with them. I have high standards when it comes to behavior, and I refuse to allow toxicity in my life. If your boyfriend will not talk to his sister about the matter, I vote that you do so yourself.

The approach is what really matters, honestly. "What exactly does this have to do with me? ... Oh, nothing? So why are you asking me then?" would be a reasonable approach. Whereas something more like "what the fuck should I care, leave me out of it" is more likely to get poorer results.

[testersite00]

it depends, if you really like him and want to make the relationship work, then sit down and talk to him about his sister. if he continues to not do anything, talk to his sister directly and tell her to leave you out of it. but if you really think that your boyfriend's sister strains your relationship that much, then leave

[Anonymous]

As you know she is not going to listen, maybe it doesn't matter whether your boyfriend talks to her or not. Whether you should break up with him or not depends a lot on what kind of boyfriend he is, the rest of the time. If you want to learn about warning signs to look for (or if you need help in deciding), I recommend reading books by Josette Sona. They're free to download from online bookstores and they're a wealth of information, especially for someone in your position.
Your boyfriend should still tell her to stop dragging you into their problems - even if she won't listen. He should still stand up for you.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you want you'll create. Personally I'd make it work with us and do the real adult thing and not get involved with her anymore.

[TessCasie]

Yeah dump him. Especially if he isn’t supportive of you.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you're making a belated new year's resolution to not get involved with significant others' family's problems. ;)

[Avicenna]

Make him do something about it