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When you say "if you loved me you would do it" you are assuming that they are going to do something or you are trying to change their mind to get something you want. For your example about the threesome, that would be considered manipulative because you didn't even ask how your partner felt about it instead you assumed your partner would do it for you or you are basically implying they should do it or else they don't love you. From my perspective if you tried that on me my response would be, "I don't have a reason to do it just to make you happy for everything you want. Are you gonna do everything for me to make me happy? Probably not and I would never ask you to do that because its unfair to you and it makes the relationship one sided towards me. What you should focus on is doing things that make you happy but not committing any actions that would cause you to cheat or to bring someone else in because I'm loyal so if your interested in loving more than one person you should look for other people or if you are looking for someone to constantly do something just to make you happy thats fine just don't expect me to do that. I would prefer to do something for you even when I don't want to do it because I'm having a bad day but I do it anyways due to my love for you not because if I loved you I would do it. I do the things I do because at the end of the day one of us has to do the manual labor around here so now you can watch me do all the work or you can help me if you want but if your looking for someone to do that specific thing for you you should look for someone else and inform me thats what your looking for so that way we can end this relationship and you can find someone that can do things for you if they loved you."
Because it is manipulative.
Love is the action of standing between someone and what will destroy them. If he loves you, he will absolutely refuse to sully your sexual relationship with some other whore.
Why is it considered manipulative? Because you are taking the powerful emotional inclination someone has to protect you and using it as a bargaining chip for something your other wouldn't stand for.
Its manipulation because you are verbally forcing him to either say he doesn't love you or abandon the real love he has for you. If you love me you will do x, if you don't you don't love me.
If your parents gave you everything you ever asked for, would that be love?
Whoa girl, you are getting some heated opinions on this one. Love is give and take. If you feel you do or try whatever he wants because you love him then yes I think he should at least be open to talking about it. One person gave their opinion that you asking him of this is wrong.. don't listen to that Bible thumper. He wants to shove morals down your throat. Be you. Own what you want. People can't help what they want. YOU will always want this.. so your suppressing your own wants for your boyfriend's wants. Regardless of what it is.. no one not even your boyfriend should suppress what they want. Both might be better off with someone else. And trust me love makes you do crazy things. So maybe he really doesn't love you enough if he's shooting you down without trying to understand. Calling you manipulative is a low blow. Just saying. Its a cop out. You can't help what you want and he's trying to make you feel bad for wanting it. If you do what he wants and he's not then leave him. It only gets worse.
It's being manipulative because you're saying that if he doesn't do it, it means he doesn't love you. You are saying that the fact that he feels uncomfortable about doing something, means he doesn't love you. No one should do anything they're uncomfortable with.
You are basically saying that if he doesn't do this three way, that means he doesn't love you and that you shouldn't be together. He'll feel forced to do something he's uncomfortable with. You are using his love for you to make him do something FOR you.
That's the definition of being manipulated. And talk about selfish.
Opinion
72Opinion
Because it could also be said if you loved him, you'd respect that he's not into that. So to claim that he doesn't love you if he doesn't give in to what you want while ignoring his "want" or not wanting to, is why it's manipulative. A relationship is about both, not just one. If you're into threesome's that's something maybe to discuss before getting into a relationship, not after and then claiming they don't really love you if you don't get your way.
u Suppose your boyfriend hates his younger brother and he says to you, "if you love me, you'd murder my younger brother for me." Is that manipulative?
Suppose he said you, "If you really love me, you'd arrange for me to fuck another girl. But it's okay, because I'll let you watch us." Now you must prove your love by giving him something that you probably don't want to do. Does that sound right?
Seriously? First of all, that is manipulative. It's trying to coerce (or manipulate!) him into doing something he doesn't want to do. It's basically saying that if he chooses NOT to do something he's uncomfortable doing, then he must not love you. If YOU loved HIM, you wouldn't try to manipulate him into doing something he's not comfortable doing.
Second of all, I have the complete opposite mindset as you. He probably doesn't want to see you with another guy during a threesome BECAUSE he loves you. Once you see something, you can't unsee it. Having a threesome could cause jealousy and destroy your relationship. He's being smart and mature to refuse the threesome, and you're accusing him of not loving you?
Smh... it's things like this that make people eventually give up on the idea of love and healthy relationships.
He's right. It's manipulative because:
1) It's not true
2) It's putting pressure on him to do something he doesn't want to do.
3) It's twisting things around and implying that he doesn't love you, when in reality it doesn't mean that at all.
By default you should only do sexual things that you both agree to. You know he could use the same line on you. He could tell you that if you loved him you wouldn't pressure him to do it. He would actually be more in the right, because BOTH of you must agree to whatever sexual things you do. In other words, you both get veto power.
You're saying love means allowing you to be the puppet master who makes him sing and dance at her whim. Would you be interested in being someone else's puppet? Let's say he wants to keep you barefoot and pregnant as long as possible. Would you allow yourself to be used as a sex toy, baby maker and someone who is obligated to take care of all those kids, the house and bring in an income to boot? Let's say he wants to have a threesome with two women every week, and every week the women will change. Oh, he'll allow you to watch, if you'd like.
If something is important to you, make sure any potential partner concurs with your belief before you invest. Never expect guys to be lumps of clay, eager to be molded by you. People are unlikely to compromise their values, just because you expect them to.
Wow! I REALLY hope you are joking! And I also really hope you are not a real “Pink” account! Because ANY girl over the age of 15 knows ALL too well about the way guys use that saying!
(We’re kissing, he tries to touch my breasts or my crotch, I stop him “no, baby I’m just not ready for that”. Then he says “If you really loved me you would let me” it’s SO manipulative! Because it is saying that UNLESS I allow him to do something to MY body that I am not ready for, then my love for him is not real! Excuse me, but I can love someone, but STILL have agency over my body! And saying some bullshit like that, is just purely manipulative! If you can’t see that, then I’m sorry, but there is NO way you have EVER been a teenage girl!).
Did a guy actually said that to you in a situation you described?
@chihuahua011 Yes, sadly it has, it’s the reason I wrote that “any girl over 15 knows all too well the way guys yes that saying.” When I told my friends about it, they ALL said the same thing had happened to them!
Jesus... Well now I feel lucky that none of my friends are this manipulative scums.
Anyway I hope you at least find guys on the other end of the spectrum as well.
@chihuahua011 Of course, it’s the one truism in life… not “all” anything is the same. ASI in “not all guys are… fill in the blank” just like “not all girls are… fill in the blank”
That is manipulative, your asking for something unreasonable, you couldnt handle being told no, and now your trying to make him feel like shit if he dosent say yes.
His preference is for a normal, monogamous relationship and you are trying to get in his head and quilt trip him into doing something he dosent want too.
You're crossing his boundaries, what if he wanted to have sex with your sister? Would you really let him if he said "if you loved me youd let me"? I highly doubt you'd let him and youd feel manipulate too.
It's manipulative, because you're using his emotions to control him. The "if you loved me" is one of the oldest forms of emotional manipulation.
Additionally, the argument isn't even necessarily true.
"If you loved me you would commit murder because I asked you to"
The presumption is the ONLY reason that you wouldn't do the thing is that you don't love them. It's a logical fallacy. There's a variety of reasons someone might not do it or want to do it.
Now. If you cared about your relationship more than just getting your way, then you would take his feelings into consideration when asking him for something that will effect him.
He's not comfortable with 3some, that's it.
And u ofc r telling him that if he loved u he'd do it for u
But he too can say that if u loved him, u would understand his feelings and not ask him bout 3some again
He's not comfortable with sharing his partner with another guy... just as u would not be comfortable if he slept with another girl.
And if u think he doesn't love u, leave him and go have 3some with random guys, I'm sure those whi r not ur boyfriend will surely lovr to have 3some with u.. coz u r not their girlfriend anyways
It's manipulative because you are using your love to make him do something he doesn't like. Like it's one thing if you want them to do something simple, but a threesome is something big. I understand what you want but have you ever asked him how he feels about it? Most guys don't even like that. Or tell him that you will allow a threesome with another girl first if he agrees, you have to meet him halfway, if he still says no then he clearly is not into that and that is fine. Don't pressure someone into doing something they don't want to.
Guilt tripping is when you try to convince someone to do something you want them to by making them feel guilty about taking a course of action you disapprove of, even though they aren't actually doing anything wrong. When you tell someone that they don't love you unless they do X for you, you're guilt tripping them, which is a form of manipulation. You know that your boyfriend disagreeing to a threesome doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but you want to make him feel like he is a bad person for not doing what you want. Yea, that is textbook manipulation.
In other words, you're trying to control this person through dishonest tactics. You know he loves you but you're insisting he doesn't to make him feel bad, as a means of persuading him to do something he would not otherwise. Whenever you are trying to control someone through dishonest tactics, you're manipulating them by definition.
Because you are forcing someone to do something he/she doesn't feel comfortable to do it. If you really love someone, there is no ultimatums, you don't force someone to do something he/she isn't comfortable to do. If you love someone, you wouldn't ask something from him/her he or she isn't comfortable to do, you wouldn't say "if you loved me, you'd do it." If you say this, it shows you are very insecure and you are saying to your partner he or she has to proof it that he or she loves you.
lastly, in real love, there is no quid pro quo (something for something).
Real love is respecting you partner's boundaries, and let him or her be free, don't try to control someone, if you do, he or she will leave you.
The key is about what the demand is and how you're using it. Obviously, if you do love someone, then you'd be willing to make sacrifices and compromises for them, but only to a certain degree.
Expecting your partner to help you out with the house chores because you're tired after a long day once in a while is not manipulative. However, this situation IS manupulative since you know that he's not comfortable with the idea of a threesome and you're trying to guilt him into doing it. THAT is the difference.
"Like, it's true - if my boyfriend loved me, he'd do this thing for me (I want a threesome with another guy).". Actually, that's NOT true.
If I love a girl, I don't want her fucking other dudes. I want her to be mine and mine only.
yeah, I agree, it's revolting
Thanks, Lillian.
np jamie
You gotta understand to though is the other person has a mind of their own so they could start thinking of a bunch of things like does she/he think I’m not doing enough , I do love her why doesn’t she/he understand , and etc. There’s definitely another way to present your emotions without manipulating the other person and making them feel guilt or simply a certain way.
Hmm I think he would do this only if he didn’t love you. Do you love him actually if you’re trying to involve other people in your intimacy? Is he not satisfying your needs. You should communicate in a way he can improve in bed... without expecting him to agree to share you with another guy. Thats not something people in serious relationship desire. If anything they just want each other only for each other.
Because you are in turn trying to make the other party guilty about their boundaries and behavior towards what ever the inciting incident was.
This form of manipulation is used to make others bend at the will of the manipulator because they see the other's defiance as a threat and obstacle that is hampering their selfish desire.
Because you are leveraging “love” to get your way with him. I mean, he could say the same then the argument becomes circular. Personally I would just end things as I have been down this path and it only grew worse. There is that and the matter of threesomes hold zero interest for me which I can only see this becoming also problematic.
Do him a favor and end the relationship before you damage him for the next woman. He’s too blind and in love with you to do it himself.
There's different levels and motives of manipulation. Manipulation in itself is not wrong. (We all use manipulation at times). It's the motive behind it that's important
For example; someone may say" if you loved me, you wouldn't be abusive or cheat on me" . It's no different than saying "if you loved me , you'd buy me a car" Both are manipulative tactics. One is to gain something materially, the other is to hopefully stop abuse or infidelity.
You clearly don't understand what love is. Love is not doing "everything" the other side wants, especially if it is something immoral. He is just a good person of morals, he deserves to be with a good person too. I'm sad he is dealing with such a toxic relationship.
Of course it is manipulative.
You are forcing your boyfriend to do what you want and he does not, based on the love he has for you. Whoever loves does not lose his personality and he is not a dog that does everything you want just because he loves you. That's ridiculous
You're basically threatening to "take your love away" if he doesn't do what you want. It's less "prove your love" and more the opposite. So you're giving him an ultimatum. That's manipulative and cruel. If you love him, why doesn't his desire to not have a threesome matter to you?
You can add me if you need more clarification.
Because its an ultimatum... something that you should never say in a relationship is this phrase. And with your added info you gave its shitty to ask someone who loves you for a 3some in that form. Many people are against adding people into the relationship. It's not normal.
Do you lack common sense?
it’s forcing someone to do something they initially did not want to do solely for the purpose of “proving” to you that they do love you because you have put that at risk with your retarded comment.
when it’s playfully it’s funny but if you’re serious hence the time to even post a question about it.. makes you pathetic and rather ignorant in my opinion.
so dumb.
I feel like this is a troll question. Its manipulative because your trying to guilt him into doing something he is not comfortable with, your trying to pressure him into something that he doesn't want because YOU want it. If you really loved him, you would never ask for this nor would you then guilt him and try to make him feel bad (but you are so clearly you don't).
Wanting a threesome with another guy and using your supposed love to gaslight him into a sexual behavior he isn't comfortable with is definitely manipulative. I would question your devotion and love for him by your not being content with having sex with him alone. Why are you wanting sex with another guy?
It is manipulative because someone can love someone but not be into everything. It also can be make someone believe if they don't do it you won't love them. Instead tell him what you'd like to try and ask what he's into. If he's not into a threesome, don't think he doesn't love you.
Depends on the context you are using it.. If you tell somebody you love then but you treat them like ish, and they happen to say "If you loved me, you wouldn't do half the stuff you do to me" that's not manipulative.. But, using that line to try and get them to do somethin to sorta of control things (usually things they are not suppose to dointo goin yo way then that's manipulation.. Like tellin yo boyfriend that he should have a threesome or else he really doesn't love you..
When you use or leverage love to get what you want, that is manipulation.
Your better off to barter, make and arrangement saying, I'll do a threesome with you and another women, (even offer to help find the other woman) if you will have a threesome with me and another guy.
I have no idea if he or you would be okay to this, but bartering works better than manipulation. Don't use love as a control or power method instead be open and find other things to use.
Yes. You're using the fact that he loves you as a way to get him to do something that is way out of his limits and boundaries. Having a threesome isn't an activity he's comfortable with.
Because that is how one can take advantage of someone's emotions for their gains. That's kind of like a one-sided thing. People who keep saying that usually don't love their partners. Because if i have to counter it and if they're really love their partners, they would respect them instead and stop manipulating them.
Because you're saying if he doesn't do something he's uncomfortable doing then he doesn't love you and therefore saying he has to prove his love by letting some other guy bang you. So if he goes out and bangs a couple hot chicks without you and you find out but he says if you loved him you wouldn't be mad would you be mad or prove that you loved him and be cool with it because he really wanted to bang them and he doesn't understand why you'd care if you love him.
Because it IS manipulative?
It's basically a low-level form of ultimatum - do what I want or you don't love me.
He's clearly not comfortable doing this, and you're trying to coerce him into it.
What if he said the same about a FFM threesome?
You’re a cheater, your boyfriend should dump you. Wtf is wrong with you?
ikr...
People have limits and lines. Some crossable and others not.
Shoot if you loved him, you'd understand that he might want to see another naked guy in person, let alone giving it to his girl, with him AND... what if the other guy rocks you better than he does? Its a shaky thing for some guys.
Think about the connotation of that phrase: "If you love me you'd do it." You are trying to manipulate the person into doing something by basically saying, "You must not love me if you can't give me what I want."
Well.. i could understand your boyfriend. Some just dont want to share their partner. If my boyfriend asked me to do a threesome, when i dont want to. I would break up with him. Sex is an intimate part of a relationship. I consider lusting after another people wrong.
I don't consider it manipulative, I do however consider it hypocritical, if you love someone you would respect their feelings, so if you loved me you would do it is a fair statement so is if you loved me you wouldn't ask me to do something I don't want to do.
B'coz it is. If love has one word definition that would be Unconditiinal. And if asking something someone unethical in the name of love or not has a one word definition that would be manipulative / peer pressure. You want it he don't. It can be called conflict of interest as well. I think fetish is no. 1 thing which can make people do horrible things they would not do otherwise.
Thanks Mazeltov!
Because they would do it if they loved you more than they disliked what you are asking. Let's flip this, he wants a threesome with another girl. Even if you don't want to do it, by your logic you should because you love him. Does that seem right, shouldn't you have standards or lines that you won't cross regardless of the situation?
Sometimes that is absolutely true.
In this case, you are being manipulative because the vast majority of men will absolutely not tolerate a non-monogamous relationship.
I'm saying this as somebody who would be okay with such a threesome by the way.
Like all you want is to manipulate and fuck randoms it kills his feelings for you
Because it's the definition of manipulative behavior. Using emotion to control your partner.. It's the same as a manipulator threatening suicide if you leave. No matter how much you might disagree, it's manipulation of the worst kind.
And asking him to have a threesome, wtf is wrong with you.
This is considered manipulative because they say if you loved me you'd do this. If you don't do it, you "hate them" and if you do it and you don't want to, you're only doing it because if you say no it assumes you don't love them.
When you use love to get someone to do something, they are not doing it because they want to. It is like saying, “if you really wanted to show that you —— then you would do this ——“ when a person truly loves a person they do not need that person to prove they love them. One is also not taking into account how that person feels on doing that particular action. It is borderline if not completely abusive as well because it is using ones emotions for you against them.
yes it is , that's just bs , if you love someone doesn't mean that you have to do everything for them. THAT IS NOT LOVE AT ALL.
He's right, you are playing '' if u love me '' card to get your way, loving someone doesn't mean you do everything they ask for, there are boundaries.
Well when it comes 2 these things it's more of a open conversation. So if u want a Threesome he has 2 want it 2. I've always been open with these thing's. But my woman is a prude. She'll say she wants a Threesome then change her mind. It's because of trust aswell
If you want to stuff all your holes, but a couple of dildos. Fucking some other guy will never be what you thought.
I'd dump your ass for asking. What a cheap slut. No guy worth his salt wants to share his beloved.
If you loved your partner, you'd value his consent and not force him into something he doesn't want to do. Please leave him alone.
Since he loves you, he wants you for himself and not to share you with someone else. And to say "if you loved me, you'd do this" means that you don't have full feelings for him and you're basically just using him for sexual pleasures for yourself. So yes, that is manipulative.
The reply to "If you loved me you'd do it." is "If you loved me you wouldn't ask."
It is being manipulative. Their love shouldn't be dependent on not wanting to do something and being strong armed.
if you say "if you love me we have this threesome" is exactly the same as him saying "if you love me we don't"
It definitely is and unless your talked a about an open relationship beforehand it’s also wrong
You are a disgusting, revolting person and I hope your boyfriend runs for his life and finds an actually worthy partner.
I agree, I hope he does
If you love him and he's said he's not up for it, why did you keep asking?
It would be an instant red flag for me if a girl ever said that.
If he loved you he wouldn’t want another mans penis inside of you. You are being extremely manipulative because you trying to control him by using his emotions.
Because everyone had their own way of expressing their love in their own way and not in the way you expect them to. Also you wouldn't do what would hurt him so by your logic it could be said that you don't love him.
It’s manipulative because you’re only taking YOUR feelings into account with that statement.
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