Why do girls say "if he loved me, he'd do this"?

[Twalli]

What about if you love him, you'd do this? If a guy loves you it doesn't mean he'll cave to your every whim or desire. He shouldn't, everyone has boundaries. I'll give a recent example from here.
A girl moved in with her boyfriend. He said that he doesn't want a cat and she agreed. She also said no dogs, and he agreed. Now she really wants a cat. She has asked him if they can have one, and he said that he still doesn't want one. She thinks he should allow her to get one because "if he really loved me, he'd let me get one". She also asked if she should get one without telling him and then just have it there when he is back from work because he can't physically stop her from getting it.
She seemed to not understand how selfish the statement "if he loves me, he'll do this" is. None of the girls seem to realize how insulting that statement is and they should know it is because the statement "if she loves me, she'll do this" is extremely insulting.

[TenderFantasy]

1. I've heard guys say that to their partners too. My ex was one of them! I know he was definitely thinking that in times he didn't.

2. You're right in that compromises should be made. What if the guy was ALLERGIC to the cat? ! She should like him more than getting her wish. If she doesn't, then what are they doing together? Doesn't his health matter more than her want of a furry pet? ! I have a dog and if my partner was allergic and we were living together, then I'd reconsider. Have a pet is like having a child (but a disabled child. Sorry my pet!), it's dependent on you forever. So if you and or your partner isn't ready to handle that kind of job for the next 10 to 18 years (or however long the pet lives), then maybe it's not good to have one.

3. She can try to convince him to get one but like I said, it probably depends on the reason for getting one. If he doesn't like having to clean up poo, to feed or walk the dog (or to clean up a cat litter box, to deal with hair balls, and buying pet food, etc.) then he'll have to decide if the relationship or at least the decision to have one is worth it or not.

People always come with expectations in a relationship. I guess it's just natural to have them but maybe as long as they are REASONABLE expectations, it's okay? Maybe he can try it out for a bit, and see how he likes it? It's just like having a child, but with less reward to be honest with you. Why did I say that? Because your dog or cat can't give you grandchildren, and/or keep your genetic line alive, if you know what I mean! While yes, your children can die before you or they can have congenital (and permanent) disabilities, I think most of those are rare, at least from what I've observed from people having children regardless of their situation! Anyway, anything in life is really a risk, so people have to really decide things, and if they are in a relationship together, they have to also consider the other person's point of view, not just theirs! That's how you can tell that you two are meant to be together and it would be the loving, matured thing to do!

[Twalli]

Saying a pet is like a child is so true. My mom said that my dog is like a toddler because I have to keep saying her name and direct her to where I want her to go. She's also very needy and always wants attention.

[sage2021]

I think it's just a cute way to say what you want from him. Like she'll give him the little pouty face while she's saying it to him. Basically it's just a cute way of asking him to give you what you want.
I've seen this on TV so many times, and that's probably where she got it from.

I remember when I was married and my husband would never take the darn trash outside. So, I used to say "I'll love you forever if you take the trash out". Then he would usually do it. Man, it was his only chore to do. The rest was on me.

[Guy13]

Manipulation is both an "Is and Is Not" in that it encompasses words, omissions, actions that attempt to control how another person thinks, acts, and feels thereby affecting perception of Self, Relationship, and to some degree their Worldview.

Some of this is normal and helpful from a confidant and is both wanted and expected, however, above is not one of those scenarios. She is basing her love on getting what she desired which in turn is a form of intimidation> the underlying threat of separation if agreement is not changed to her liking.

This is really F- ed Up. Bring in Dr. Phil !!! ;-)

[NathanDavis]

my ex-girlfriend loved me... so she would watch NFL games with me all the time although she did not care for football at all

and since I loved her... I would not mind to chat and talk about many things with her, while I still watching the game on the side and from time to time

it always worked great for the both of us... so yes, sometimes it is about manipulation, but other times it is about compromise and to adjust to one another and that, for the sake of the love you have for one another

[Twalli]

It's not so much, you love someone so you do it, it's more saying "if you loved me, you'd do this". If you do it, that's different than stating that you aren't doing this which must mean you can't really love me.

[NathanDavis]

I've had said a few times... in a playful manner and with all the best intention of negotiating and convincing, and trying to get away with it

not done with malice or the intent to manipulate

like I said, it can be done both ways and not just one bad way

[HollyK21]

I think what happens is that some women tend to weaponize or misuse that phrase, turning it into a manipulative tactic. It’s a way of thinking that they’ve conditioned themselves to believe makes sense, a lot of times being that they were treated like this by men in their past. I can’t count the number of times I’ve either experienced or witnessed a man use that “if you really loved me, you’d do this” talking point in order to get what they want.

[TenderFantasy]

My ex said it a lot. And no we didn't break up just because of that... or maybe we did, I'm just having a hard time recognizing that that was another big reason for it.

[HollyK21]

@TenderFantasy I hear you, I dated a guy like that in my very early 20s and internalized his talking points through our relationship and even a few years after. It’s a super toxic way of thinking and the sad part is that when we’re in it, we don’t realize it.

[kylee2437]

Ehhh she’s manipulating him. He stated his boundaries and she thinks she can now change how he feels when she has already discussed this with him. That is her own fault. The only time it’s accepting to say “if he loved me” is for the bare minimum such as making time for that person, however why are you with someone that doesn’t make time for you, right? It’s a manipulative way to put things

[coachTanthony]

That's manipulation at it's finest.

[SnowedIn]

I think that you are correct that it is a selfish statement. And, as others have said, it can be manipulative and controlling, particularly when they're trying to get something they want. But I think there's also a place where it comes from cluelessness and/or a general literal belief that "if he loved me, he'd do this" (substitute either gender there). I'm NOT saying it's right, or justified, or acceptable, or anything like that. Just that I think there are people out there who believe that whatever "it" is that they want from their SO is something that the SO would do "if they loved them". In other words, its an immature and misguided belief in what love is and love means. Again, doesn't make it right or justify it, but I think for some its part of the answer to your question of "why".

[JustinTheGreat]

It’s honestly such a manipulative statement. You’re right, everyone has boundaries and nobody should have to do things they don’t want to just bc they love someone.
However there are positive changes that someone should make if they love someone. For example if someone is a slob then I don’t think your partner is asking for too much by wanting you to become cleaner and more hygienic for them. But going “if you love me then you would break the boundary that you set in place for me 🙄” is emotionally manipulative.

[Sour-rose]

I witnessed a boy try to do this to me to get him a new phone because his "phone broke"... while on a social dating app. It's all about manipulation. As one's emotions can make anyone do anything and if someone knows how to pull the strings, they can use that emotion to do their bidding.

[Subarugirl]

Because actions speak louder than words. If you really love someone, there are things that you would do.
If he loves you, he'd support you
If he loves you, he'd be honest with you
If he loves you, he'd communicate
If he loves you, he'd respect your boundaries

That isn't insulting, that is just how it works.

[Vegasrunner]

Problem most guys have is trying to get a girl to "love" them. Women and men view love wayyyyy differently. Guys need to focus on getting girls to like them if a girl likes you she'll run to the store for you. If she likes you she'll complain that you asked her to run to the store.

[whereismyjohnny]

It's not only women who say that. Men say it too.

It's something manipulators use to gaslight people and get their own way. It's an incredibly low thing to do.

[DizzyDesii]

Lol i haven't played the “if you love me” game in forever because i dont like to compromise so i can't expect him to. Plus my answer to others was often “damn i must not love you then” 😬😂

[jshm2]

Seems you don't understand that being a mere girlfriend or boyfriend doesn't mean shit. You're still individuals who make choices for yourselves.

[FriendlyCanadianGuy]

It's manipulation.
You do this or it means you dont love me.

F-that, ultimatums destroy relationships and I quickly walk away from women that try to manipulate.

[Subarugirl]

Entirely depends on what you're asking them to do.

[AmyHew1tt]

For the most part, it's manipulation. But I think in some cases it makes sense a person would feel that way. Not this one.

[Sasha0426]

Oh! I’ve heard this story before. When she said that, I thought, “What if your boyfriend wanted a dog? If you loved him, you would let him have a dog.” Honestly, I don’t know if that story was made up or not. Either way, it was pretty screwed up.

[Friendlybro79]

Some guys say this to women as well. Why do people do or say this? Because they're more likely to be selfish and manipulative. They might not have a true understanding of what love is.

[Twalli]

I just see it more often from women.

[Friendlybro79]

I hear you. I think regardless of sex the answer is the same to people that behave this way. Again this is a little general because some people can say things jokingly etc although I'm sure that's not what you're talking about.

[Twalli]

If a girl says it to a guy, he should be able to tell if it's serious or not. If she says it on here, it's probably not joking.

[annabananna]

That’s just a statement people will use to guilt you into doing something you’re uncomfortable with. It’s immature and self centered thinking. I had a boyfriend awhile back that would say stuff like.

[DrBanana]

It in my opinion is a form of emotional manipulation.
They are trying to pull on an emotional heart sting to tip the scales in their favour for an out come.

[thegooglepixelfan]

That is manipulating and it also has happened to me with a very old boyfriend from high school and love bombing also thinks that a lot of manipulating people do.

[admles]

It’s a guilt manipulation tactic.

just saw a thread earlier with a girl who wants a cat against her partners wishes using this line lol

[Twalli]

That's what I'm referring to.

[FilmGuy93]

Because they want what they want in that moment, and they're immature.