Do you agree: “Relationships last longer and can improve when nobody knows your business.”?

[Anonymous]

Yes

No

Updates

+1 y

Yeah... sorry all. I have been in a relationship where I felt super quieted and looking back 2 years later I just feel so lost and like I have to pick up the pieces of love because this coward just gave up and made me look so... bad. It’s awful because, he knows damn well, he couldn’t change his ways too.

[Aethereal]

I'm not so sure of the context of the statement. Does it mean that the relationship lasts when partners keep secrets from each other?

I agree that the relationship will last longer if secrets remain hidden between partners. But such a relationship will always be fake (in my opinion). It is inherently unhealthy.

This is because one or both partners may be hiding something that would normally be a deal breaker to the other e. g. kids, infidelity, addiction, body count, etc. There is always a chance that such information might eventually come out, destroying the relationship after it had progressed far.

I believe that if a couple can't be completely open with each other, the relationship has an expiry date.

[Asker]

No. Partners must be able to trust each other but business between them stays between them. If a partner constantly tells his friends or family for example what’s going on in his relationship then everyone will know their business and this does not lead to good things in my honest opinion.

[Aethereal]

I see. You meant outsiders being aware of everything going on in the relationship.

I definitely agree that outsiders should not be involved, unless maybe one person you are very close to and trust. But whatever happens, outsiders (including family and friends) should neither be allowed nor able to influence the course or nature of a relationship.

I always say that as long as both partners are happy, the opinions of others (outsiders) on their relationship have no value.

[Asker]

Well even if they aren’t “happy”. I feel that no one really should tell you what to do and those opinions will influence your decisions. It’s not fair to your partner.

[REALSTEEL]

yes my mother is like a wrecking ball destroyed 2 marriages and a relationship so i wish my mom never gotten involved in my life I would of had a happy life and the reason my mother did that she wanted me all to herself she is like the movie monster in law with Jennifer Lopez

[Kas19]

It can. Especially if you're being abused and no one knows, so no one can help and they're stuck with them. Worse case scenario I thought of lmao.

But it ultimately depends on what you're doing with your business. Are you taking care of business within the relationship?

[Asker]

What do you mean by no one else can help? I truly believe that nobody else CAN help because that isn’t their relationship to claim. It really is between two people. Yes advice can be helpful, but really it is up to that person to make a decision. And that should not be swayed by opinions of others no matter if they are friends or family. Plus if you aren’t using the time to communicate a lot out with your partner you shouldn’t be in a relationship because you are confused and doubtful.

[Kas19]

I agree. I was specifically referring to people in abusive relationships that no one knows about and no one offers to help them out. A good support system is the first step to getting out for someone who may want it but is too afraid to reach out or make their abuse known.

And yes, agreed. By taking care of business within your relationship, that requires communication.

[Asker]

Sometimes people don’t know their toxic behaviors are just terrible and they need to change. Due to past trauma or fear, and many more personal reasons they project on their partner sadly. I strongly feel that verbally/physically abusive partners need to get help —but from none other than their partner! If they want to make it work. They both must be willing to engage with each other not people outside of the relationship because obviously they’d be praying and hoping for it to end but then, nobody heals right and people left feeling sad. The person needs to be able to help their partner change, not add to more abuse and shun them, complain about them, because then the person would not learn how to change! Respect is important but can’t be given if clearly there are disrespected too

[Kas19]

I thoroughly disagree. Your partner is not your therapist or mental health provider. If someone is abusive, I tell them to get help, and then I leave. No one is entitled to help from their partner at the cost of abuse. Many abusive people refuse to change even when their partner tries to help. Regardless, it isn't the anyone's responsibility to fix anyone. Get your shit together, or lose people in the process.

[Asker]

Sorry, I agree with you on this. You are right about that. But to be real there are many reasons why certain behaviors can be repeated and why things just don’t change! And In a relationship it is never one persons only fault. The other partner can also be abusive back. It may create a vicious cycle. In this case they both need to work on clear respect trust and communication because no one else can do that work for them!

[Kas19]

Yes, behaviors repeat. Sometimes they don't change. But you did just say that their partners need to help them change.

Fighting back an abuser is abusive? I lived with a narcissist for years and eventually met him at his level. I don't think I'm abusive for that lmao. But for some relationships, there can be a vicious cycle of abuse on both sides. It's probably all that they've known/experienced.

[Asker]

I am upset that certain behaviors can repeat as it may become a habit overtime what I do know is that humans make mistakes and in relationships no one is perfect but the beauty is that willingness to help them and inspire each other to change and just be better people, better lovers. That takes so much but it must be laid out clearly: both are eager to do the work to make things best for each other!

It’s just human to do that but in reality it does not help. Understanding compassion needs to play a part right? it can’t just be hell on fire lol. Otherwise nothing will work out ! :( I’m sorry you dealt with that. I have been in a relationship where we both got so damaged, but I couldn’t ever feel comfortable around his people because of the things he’d say about me and they never even knew me well. Never took a chance on me. It hurts. Because he wasn’t perfect either. Look, we accept love we think we deserve. But in terms of my question I really believe that no matter what If u truly love that person you would not talk crap all the time that would be encouraging negativity

[Kas19]

Compassion is important but tolerating/fixing an abuser isn't included in that. No one signs up for that in a relationship. That's about it.

[Asker]

Yeah no one should tolerate that! It isn’t anyone job to fix someone but if you are in a relationship then it should be a goal to help each other realize the best and even the flaws in each other...

[Kas19]

Agreed

[MzAsh]

Generally yes. It allows for less people to know meddle or influence your relationship in a negative way.

[Asker]

Yes! It breaks my heart knowing that relationships are ruined because of outside factors. It’s like complaining to others about your issues will not make your partner inspired to change or act differently! It will make things worse lol.

[MzAsh]

Exactly. There have been people that have tried to ruin and otherwise influence my relationship with my man, and I had to get rid of that. And you have to be careful what you complain about to others because people do form opinions and judgments.

[Asker]

Im so glad that you have been aware of this! I feel like some people really can be so blind and just go into things talking about all the issues to their family and friends and it’s like nobody cares as much as you, this is your relationship. Obviously they will judge and create a mindset about that particular person and it won’t be good it will be negative. And what person wants to be around this kind of BS? 😕 if you want to be with that person at the end of the day no complaining to others just run to your boo and make it right.

[HOAAH]

I don't think so. I think if people knew you were struggling they would try to help you. When i had marriage problems my friend helped me find a marriage counselor and other friends helped baby sit so we could go.

[Asker]

But that’s not what I’ve been getting at. You never wanna tell for example certain things that might sway your peoples minds about your partner... unless you really want to break up with them!

[HOAAH]

I mean it is ok to tell your friends or family that you are having problems. I have problems with my marriage. For example my husband barely talks to me anymore because he is exhausted from work. He barely helps me with the kids because he is trying to relax by playing video games. I feel like he isn't even here when he is here. My friends are very understanding. I just need my own life away from him. My kids just need a life away from him. That how we cope.

[Asker]

I think it’s ok too but... not repeatedly. If something wrong is Not changing that is clearly a problem the couple must fix together. No one else will or should fix the problem for you. I’m sorry you deal with that and it’s good you vent to your people! If That works for your family then green light. I just never felt comfortable knowing they knew things about me but I couldn’t even talk for myself! They didn’t know who I was

[HOAAH]

Some times i do come on gag to vent. My husband has been showing me very little love lately and i just learn to love myself. He doesn't really care to do anything for our anniversary but i had us take pictures outside and i took us to go buy a grill so we could grill out. I bought myself wine. I was going to buy myself flowers.

[Asker]

I’m sorry :( I know it’s hard but pls try telling him about how his lack of attention makes you feel!

[Siren777]

TRUTH... it's a bad habit to have. Somethings are better left private.

[Asker]

Yes! I feel like when men do this it’s worse. Obviously their friends and family will side with them vise versus. It’s just... if you have issues or things you’d like to fix together then focus on that do not be some immature person and run to tell everyone! Makes no sense. You will end up losing the relationship in the end

[Djaay]

How is just straight up it is what it is truth a bad habit?

[electromagnetic]

My partner and I dated for a whole year before we told our families.

[Asker]

It’s good to form a strong foundation without any outside influence first. Nice!

[EssenceOfLight]

Secret relationships have their specific charm, but the reason why people keep them secret don't speak for mutual loyalty, stability and will to improvement.

[Asker]

No not a secret relationship. The point is a relationship that does not promote telling ur entire friends and family you trust everything that goes wrong or confuses you

[EssenceOfLight]

Do you mean keeping things between you and your partner?
It's the best option, because talking too much about topics that should remain private make you or your partner vulnerable in long run.

[Asker]

Yes. The good, bad and ugly. It takes 2 to make it right or make it wrong... but yes, I totally agree it would just cause both to sink in the end. It’s upsetting because what could have been a beautiful love story turned disaster just because someone listens to opinions of others and doesn’t want to put in effort to patch things up

[Anonymous]

It can.. but a relationship where some people know some of 'your business' can last as long. I know several examples of this.

[Asker]

Yea they can! But let’s say ur partner is talking about how you mistreat them, or make them confused but in reality you are the one who feels they don’t treat you the best either and it’s really both ways! You wouldn’t like that right, it would just make things worse.

[Opinion Owner]

? I am not really sure what you mean.. but as long as he talks to me about the problems first, he can also talk about it with someone else he trusts.

[Asker]

And would that person he trusts end up trusting you? little by little you will be seen as a negative image! Especially if you do not see his people often it’s bad enough. You can’t even voice your opinions to anyone you are literally caged in. Because just as much as they hold something against you you also hold it against them because they heard a lot of you when you couldn’t even defend yourself

[Opinion Owner]

I never experienced anything bad in that way. People can talk about problems without talking trash.
I mostly have experience listening to problems my friends had in their relationships, and I never looked down on their partners because of that. My friends are taking responsibility for issues they have, often even more than making it the partners fault. I don't think it is difficult to think about the bias of it being one sided and account for that. I can often sympathise with their partners too. We talk about ups and downs, so it is never only a lot of negatives I hear.
It is not the approach for every relationship. Especially if you are very concerned about what others think of you. But I know several stable relationships where it does work.

[SavageGirl101]

Y’all aren’t understanding that phrase very much I see... it just means everybody shouldn’t be in yalls business but it should be clear that y’all aren’t hiding yalls relationship either

[Mark987]

When you display you relationship... people will. tend to chime in and give you their own two cents... when it is just you and her or vice versa it is easier :)

[hunsinger]

Only at first. When you get more and more vulnerable, it’s inevitable that friends and family should become a part of the mix. They are a part of you, and they should become a part of your relationship as well.

[Djaay]

No... I've always keep everything open , exposed and transparent amonst us both including others or outsiders. Never a reason even for outsiders to say anything to the contrary.

[Asker]

Relationships only last and can improve they can lead to happiness when ur partner doesn’t talk crap. Period. Despite bad behaviors If u wanna work it out FIRST talk to each other

[Djaay]

The impression I'm receiving from you apparently you are insecure. By the way , I've never been single my entire adult life.

[Asker]

If you are a man and u have to go around talking about your woman... haha I have some news for you! You are probably the insecure one seeking some kind of comfort and answers only ur partner can provide you!! And trust me I’d rather be alone than be lonely with someone who makes me feel second.

[Djaay]

TF are you spewing? I don't run around talking shit about anyone and I don't have anything to hide either. This is why when others confront on mere a narrative to be negative towards my relations , they miserably fail with they're Josie ass ways... Karen

[Asker]

If your lady mistreats you or u know shows her “bad side” often do you run off to tell your buddies or your mommy? I mean cmon, humans make mistakes all the time. People get mad. People are immature. But a relationship can and only work out and last if both parties are willing to strive together. Like for example, what guy would be like “do you know how many people told me to break up with you?” and begins to name off everyone LOL. What person would stay with someone who makes them feel like there’s no hope anyway, and there is an alliance against them all this time? Like nobody would want to be with someone who tell you they love you, and want to make things right, when there is zero effort on their lazy part, and they make you look bad to important people in their life. It will never work.

[Djaay]

Damn... What a mess. I don't have those issues. That's what being honest iliminates. U must learn to forgive and be mature , understand and entertain the fact that both of you are a strength together rather than let to others pit you against each other.

[Asker]

Yep, a huge mess! Too many cooks in the kitchen. And the saddest part is not being able to really connect with the people your partner cares so much about as a consequence... overtime, it’s the other building a stronger bond with their friends and family just because of you—because they all didn’t like you for whatever reason even tho they don’t even know you well. It’s such a sad situation and really highlights how life isn’t fair.

[Asker]

And it is true — even the one being spoken should really use that as a way to work as a team w their partner. But how can you blame her right, he literally was working against that every time he believed others opinions and felt compelled. Just saying “I’m here w you still Bc I love you” doesn’t mean anything when all you do is complain and never take the time to learn me and be man enough honestly. It’s just bad when the guy is not a man! :/

[Djaay]

Yes it is... and I will agree to that. Generally I just extend my trust and honesty towards that person and if they teach me something different , I'm already in they're future. When me and the s/o have an dispute , I just extend the truth of it and then make a joke out of it... she always starts cracking up laughing then we forgive each other while laughing at the situation.

[Elezabeth03]

Yes maybe few people help just in case anything happens.

[COMMODOREII]

Especially when parents are involved.

[Jaylaa2000]

Yes.

[Iron_Man]

No I don’t agree because secrets come back on you

[moonpie89]

Yeah definitely

[Askadami]

Maybe